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Not impossible on Purpose?
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<blockquote data-quote="neednewtechnique" data-source="post: 42091" data-attributes="member: 3527"><p>I am getting MUCH APPRECIATED feedback and VERY HELPFUL information to help with my outlook on things. For starters, as mentioned, we are NOT pushing our difficult child into a "mother/daughter" relationship with me right now, and the way it has been presented to her from the beginning is that I am NOT her mother, nor do I have any intentions of trying to replace her mother, however, due to the circumstances mother is in at this point, there isn't any other options. We are very much trying to make her a part of the family, and since difficult child has not really had much of a relationship with my husband or I either one prior to moving in with us, we are trying to build a relationship with her now based on MUTUAL RESPECT rather than on LOVE. Do I love her, yes, I love her just the same as my own girls, but that is not the role that I play in her life at this point, and she knows it. </p><p></p><p>As for the comment made about backing off the parenting ideals for a while, and working on a relationship...she has made that pretty impossible. We are not asking for a lot from her at this point...we dealt with the homework issue and other than that, the only things we really insist on at this point is that she doesn't push around the little children, that she doesn't destroy things, and we simply cannot even have a normal friendly conversation with her about the weather without a blowup, so working on a relationship at this point is pretty impossible. We almost avoid talking to her about ANYTHING because it never ends well, but we do try to teach her that if she DOES decide to have a conversationw ith us, that she is MORE than entitled to her own opinions, right or wrong, but she needs to learn to express them without putting everyone else down. </p><p></p><p>THis is actually something that we were working on with our therapist tonight during counseling...and she told us that we simply CANNOT back off the parenting, because if we step back away from it, she will rebel as soon as we try to step back in, and a girl like her simply cannot go through her entire teenaged years without parental guidance. She told us to keep doing what we are doing, becuase she said that even if our difficult child won't let us see it, we have made HUGE amounts of progress...and she said that as unpleasant as confrontations may be, we should continue to insist that the BASKET A issues are dealt with and that we are working on teaching with BASKET B, and that in between unpleasentries, we should try to build relationships whenever an opportunity presents itself. She even felt tonight that now that we have gotten the homework issue dealt with, that it might be time to re-adjust our baskets and add a few more unpleasant behaviors to the BASKET A, and move some of the BASKET C issues into basket B. So as frustrated as I am, at least others are seeing progress. Our therapist is actually applauding our abilities to handle her, so I feel like after talking to her, we must be doing something right. </p><p></p><p>Also, in between unpleasantness this weekend, both husband and I had an opportunity to spend a few good hours each "bonding" with her a bit. He took all the girls to the park on Sunday, and he and her got to spend some time together while the little ones ran and played. Then she desperately wanted a myspace account, so I helped her set one up and helped her pick out a layout and add her pictures to it and we had a great time...</p><p></p><p>I guess what we are focusing on right now the most is the defiant attitude we are getting when she IS NOT melting down. Such as, telling us "I don't have to" when we ask her for something, or I asked her to please turn off her fan because the air conditioner was running, and she says "what are you going to do if I don't?" She had every intention of doing what I asked, she even said it on her way over to turn the stupid thing off, but she just simply could not do it without the backhanded comments.... I don't get it???? Don't they get enough when they ARE melting down that they would at least TRY to be nice when they are not????!!!!!!!?????!!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="neednewtechnique, post: 42091, member: 3527"] I am getting MUCH APPRECIATED feedback and VERY HELPFUL information to help with my outlook on things. For starters, as mentioned, we are NOT pushing our difficult child into a "mother/daughter" relationship with me right now, and the way it has been presented to her from the beginning is that I am NOT her mother, nor do I have any intentions of trying to replace her mother, however, due to the circumstances mother is in at this point, there isn't any other options. We are very much trying to make her a part of the family, and since difficult child has not really had much of a relationship with my husband or I either one prior to moving in with us, we are trying to build a relationship with her now based on MUTUAL RESPECT rather than on LOVE. Do I love her, yes, I love her just the same as my own girls, but that is not the role that I play in her life at this point, and she knows it. As for the comment made about backing off the parenting ideals for a while, and working on a relationship...she has made that pretty impossible. We are not asking for a lot from her at this point...we dealt with the homework issue and other than that, the only things we really insist on at this point is that she doesn't push around the little children, that she doesn't destroy things, and we simply cannot even have a normal friendly conversation with her about the weather without a blowup, so working on a relationship at this point is pretty impossible. We almost avoid talking to her about ANYTHING because it never ends well, but we do try to teach her that if she DOES decide to have a conversationw ith us, that she is MORE than entitled to her own opinions, right or wrong, but she needs to learn to express them without putting everyone else down. THis is actually something that we were working on with our therapist tonight during counseling...and she told us that we simply CANNOT back off the parenting, because if we step back away from it, she will rebel as soon as we try to step back in, and a girl like her simply cannot go through her entire teenaged years without parental guidance. She told us to keep doing what we are doing, becuase she said that even if our difficult child won't let us see it, we have made HUGE amounts of progress...and she said that as unpleasant as confrontations may be, we should continue to insist that the BASKET A issues are dealt with and that we are working on teaching with BASKET B, and that in between unpleasentries, we should try to build relationships whenever an opportunity presents itself. She even felt tonight that now that we have gotten the homework issue dealt with, that it might be time to re-adjust our baskets and add a few more unpleasant behaviors to the BASKET A, and move some of the BASKET C issues into basket B. So as frustrated as I am, at least others are seeing progress. Our therapist is actually applauding our abilities to handle her, so I feel like after talking to her, we must be doing something right. Also, in between unpleasantness this weekend, both husband and I had an opportunity to spend a few good hours each "bonding" with her a bit. He took all the girls to the park on Sunday, and he and her got to spend some time together while the little ones ran and played. Then she desperately wanted a myspace account, so I helped her set one up and helped her pick out a layout and add her pictures to it and we had a great time... I guess what we are focusing on right now the most is the defiant attitude we are getting when she IS NOT melting down. Such as, telling us "I don't have to" when we ask her for something, or I asked her to please turn off her fan because the air conditioner was running, and she says "what are you going to do if I don't?" She had every intention of doing what I asked, she even said it on her way over to turn the stupid thing off, but she just simply could not do it without the backhanded comments.... I don't get it???? Don't they get enough when they ARE melting down that they would at least TRY to be nice when they are not????!!!!!!!?????!!!! [/QUOTE]
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