Not liking difficult child's significant others

[Tiredof33]

I am 59 and stay out of my children's marrriages and relationships. When I would listen to friends and relatives talk about not getting along with their kid's significant others I had always thought to my self (smugly), what is the problem just stay out of their business.

Well it came back and bit me in the a**! I can already tell you that there is NOTHING that difficult child's girlie could ever say (as if she would anyway) to make me even want to have a relationship with her. They have been together 2 years and if they had children I know that I would never see them and she would poison them against me, and sometimes even difficult child! It is a toxic relationship and telling him what I see (and everyone else) will not influence him at all. I admire everyone that has the same problem and can MYOB.

difficult child was childhood friends with our neighbor's son and daughter, and dated the daughter briefly in high school. He told me that it felt like dating a sister lol so they have always remained friends. He has another female that he has remained friends with over the years, she was a difficult child in high school with him and turned her life around (so their is hope). The 2 ladies are hard working and have good jobs, they were a positive force in my difficult child's life and girlie couldn't stand it.

difficult child told me last week that none of his friends will speak to him because they don't like girlie. Of course he didn't tell my WHY they don't like her, and he did blame it on girlie and did not take responsibility for his part at all.

Both ladies told me recently that they have lost touch with him because girlie found their numbers on difficult child's phone and called and threatened them. Girlie lied and told him THEY called her and he believed girlie! MY idiotic difficult child actually was mad at them and told them to leave girlie alone!

I said to him I don't like her either she is a controlling b**** and she lies. I really should have kept my mouth shut! That was mean and I could have let him know that I DESPISE her in a calmer manner.

 

[DDD]

Vent away! A number of us know exactly how you are feeling and most of us either "held our tongue" or limited our input. It is so frustrating and really hard to detach from the mix. When two of our easy child sons made choices that we felt were unhealthy (and the rest of the family felt that way also) we very carefully suggested that they might need to rethink the choices. Both ended up married rather quickly and in my humble opinion decades later, lol, it was orchestrated by their then gfs. One was an RN...and she didn't understand birth control, right. The other said she "had it under control" but somehow taking a pill a day wasn't as easy as getting a college degree. Yikes! Neither girl was rejected by our family. In fact we all probably tried too hard to be nice in fear that our gut feelings would come through. Both chose to avoid contact with all our family as much as possible. We honestly don't really "know" those grands beyond the superficial level.

I'm living through it again with difficult child#1. The situation is different but it brings back memories...and a trace of fear. I am detaching from "their" relationship as much as possible. I don't have the answer for you or for me. Just wanted you to know that I do understand and agree that it is best to "zip the lip" and just hope that the relationships fizzle out on their own. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. Fingers crossed that you son finds a valuable companion in the future. Hugs DDD

 

[CrazyinVA]

Ugh, yup, count me in as one who gets it. Youngest in particular picked a few dooozies, including the fathers of each of her kids. The current boyfriend seems ok, thankfully.

One piece of advice I've given both my girls (and that I learned myself, in my long dating career lol) is: listen to your friends. They know you best. If they don't like your boyfriend (or girlfriend, as the case may be), trust their opinion and dump the dude. Some won't tell you that outright, of course, but you can tell, if you pay attention.

Of course, they wouldn't listen while they were in the middle of it.. But afterward, they both seemed to get that. Hopefully you can have that kind of conversation with your difficult child if (when?!) he dumps this girl (or she dumps him!)

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm right there with you, seems many of us are. My daughter is not with any significant other right now, but over the years she has brought some interesting 'friends' to dinner at our house. Honestly, and I don't want to sound judgmental or small minded, but I felt afraid that these guys knew where we lived! As an example, last week my daughter asked one of her friends to help her erect the famous green tent on our porch. I was out, my fiancee and granddaughter got home earlier and when they came through the back door, my granddaughter saw a guy out on the porch and said to my fiancee, "why is that hobo out on our porch?" They had never met this guy, I had though and when they told me the story, I knew just who they were talking about. Yikes. We all laughed. Seriously though, talk about bad choices. Then when my daughter complains that these folks don't keep their word, don't show up when they say they will, and always disappoint her, I am simply left speechless. With her staying with us, I am learning to just keep my mouth shut about my judgments and/or observations, and I'm making every attempt to consider it none of my business. it's challenging, but as I practice more each day, it's getting easier. I hope you can find some calm in your stormy sea.

 

[Hound dog]

I do my best to mind my own business when it comes to my kids and their now spouses. Two of whom I've basically grown to care for as sons. Katie's? omg! It's awful because I can even manage to find some good points about moron/perv man, and I still loathe him. I kept my mouth shut about him for years. But when it came out, whew boy did it come out, the delivery might have been better........but the punch was the same. She knew in intimate detail why I loathe him. In fact, it's one of the reasons she's not talking to me right now. Do I care? Not really. I don't have to live with him. (thank god, I'd kill myself first) I don't tell her to leave him. He's her problem. But that doesn't mean that I have to pretend to like him either........that just doesn't wash with me, I can't keep the act up very long.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh do I understand! I think I have told off every single one of them at least once if not more times...lol.

Not too long ago I had an all out war of the roses on facebook with my middle sons wife. It was interesting.