Not much of an update update

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by PatriotsGirl, Dec 4, 2012.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I saw her last week and she looked like koi again. :( All denials of course. Though, I know for a fact she has relapsed again through a friend of hers that I promised I wouldn't divulge to difficult child. Her friend said that he knows she is feeling very embarassed and guilty about it. So sad. I don't think she is happy one bit. I do think she really is completely miserable. She didn't want me to go but I just couldn't sit there and look at her. She looked so healthy in rehab, to see her looking the way she did before rehab was just too heartbreaking. Back to living the way she was. I told her one day she would get really sick of it and she looked at me and told me she has been sick of it for a while now. :(

    She claims the bad people have put her to work to earn the money they lost meaning she is back to selling. She thinks in a month she will be straight with them and they will let her go. She claims then she will get back in a program.

    So my boundaries are back up. I told her not to come to the house. I will not give her money, gift cards, etc. I am continuing to pay the phone bill for me, not her. I need to know she is alive.

    Why can't we have one good holiday season???
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Awww PG I'm sorry. Don't think for a minute that she will stop selling after she has paid off the "bad guys". She is selling to support her own habit. It is so incredibly sad and I can imagine your pain seeing her like that after seeing her look so well in rehab.

  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry PG. (((HUGS))))
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    OH PG I am so sorry... but not surprised. It was sounding like that was probably the case. It is good you have her friend who talks to you... and she is definitely making excuses for why she is still using. If she really wanted it she would go back to program now... but hopefully she is on her way to being ready again.

    I hope you can find a way to enjoy the holidays. I have decided I am going to enjoy them this year. I was realizing that my difficult child hasnt spent Christmas day with us for 4 years... and so now I am used to it and I am just going to enjoy the holidays. I cant put my life or enjoyment on hold. I hope you don't either.

  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What does koi mean? I feel like an idiot because everyone uses it and I have no idea what it stands for.
  6. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Oh PG, so so sorry. It's like a thorn in your side and so preventable to have this burden - for them as well as us. I just wish she'd go back to rehab - I'm 100% certain she's suffering too, because she got a taste of what sobriety brings. Guess she's just not ready to face all her emotions yet, so she keeps using because that is what she's familiar with.
    I hope husband, you and easy child are able to carry on through the holidays. I know it's rough because it's so raw right now.

    Regarding koi...this board is the only place I've ever seen that word, except referring to the koi fish! So from context, I just surmise it means "all manner of poop" - am I allowed to say that without getting bleeped?! LOL.
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    koi are Japanese pond fish, called "c a r p" in the rest of the world.
    The bad-word filters take out "c r a p", so people started using "c a r p" instead... so THAT got filtered.
    Koi, however, is an "insider" term, so it doesn't get filtered - even though it means the same thing.

    Trust me, you already know a lot about koi. Or you wouldn't be on this board.
    (I had to ask, too...)
  8. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Well....husband and I did do something pretty extravagant for ourselves this year. When we got married, I weighed 110 pounds. We were also very poor back then. I had .25 carat diamond set in gold - very small, plain ring but I never took it off. Well, of course I gained weight and it got to the point where we had to cut it off. :( I have worn fake rings for YEARS now. He still had his gold band that has a missing diamond. He knows that I have really, really wanted a real wedding set for a very, very long time more than anything else. We were at the mall together on Sunday and he mentioned that we should swing by the jewelry store and see if he can get approved for financing. So we did, he was approved and I picked out a very nice wedding set. He wanted me to try on something bigger and I scoffed but tried it on and of course, absolutely loved it!! He told me that he had been looking at that set for me (husband has stopped in a few times unbeknownst to me). So, we got it and he got a new thick white gold band with no diamonds this time. It was not planned (at least, not by me) and I choked at the time frame we have to have them paid off in, but it is the only extravagant thing I have done for myself in a very long time, heck, maybe even ever. We plan on taking every commission check he makes and plopping it down to get it paid off quickly but I feel guilty about it. We have been married 16 years and I think I deserve a real set, but when I think of the other things that money can go to, well, I start feeling guilty that it shouldn't all go to just me. Anyhow, that is my Christmas/Anniversary this year. They had to send it to be sized and I am waiting anxiously for it to be done. I am hoping I can get past the guilt and actually enjoy wearing it and looking at it every day...

    Why do us moms always feel so guilty about doing something for ourselves????
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PG, what a lovely gift for you and husband. I know it's hard, but really, throw that guilt overboard, you deserve that ring! Every time you look at it on your finger, you will be reminded of LOVE, of devotion, of your marriage vows and your's a beautiful thing and you are fortunate to have such a good guy who loves you...........enjoy your ring, don't let guilt take any moments away from that.................Merry Christmas! Happy Anniversary!
  10. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    PG, you deserve it and HIM. I'm so glad you both did something for yourselves and something for you as a couple!!

    Merry Christmas and Happy Anniversary!!
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think it is wonderful, PG. You deserve it after all you have been though. What a thoughtful husband!

    Just don't leave it anywhere difficult child can get ahold of it. An expensive tennis bracelet that husband gave to me as a Christmas present years ago disappeared one day and to this day I don't know what happened to it. I have my suspicions, though.

  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What a wonderful gift. I'm sure husband was thrilled to do that for you and I think it's a perfect sign that both your marriage has survived this and you are now beginning to think of yourself. I am excited for you.

    When husband and I were married for 25 years we traded in my very small diamond chip ring for a very nice larger one and we got matching wedding bands.
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Thank you all!!!! I really do have an AMAZING husband!! He is my is so horrible to say and difficult child sees it and has mentioned it, but our marriage is SO much better since difficult child moved out....
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I am so glad you and husband did something for YOU... you so deserve it. We have to remember to spend some time and money on ourselves and not have our lives be all about our difficult children!!!

    And I dont think it is horrible to say your marriage is better since she moved out. It may be horrible that its true but saying the truth is not horrible. I have to say my marriage but even more my relationship wih my easy child is so much better since difficult child doesnt live here. I like being home now and that is a huge difference, before I often couldnt wait to get out of the house!!

    Glad to hear the explanation for koi.... I didnt get that either. Ha now you may her me using it.... can I use it like koi koi koi?

  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My marriage is so much better now too and like TL said so is my relationship with easy child. I no longer have to ignore her because I'm dealing with one of difficult child's crisis. I don't have to sleep with one eye open anymore and I'm much more relaxed.
  17. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    I am sorry about your difficult child...hugs!!
  18. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Yay for your h!!and yay for your sparkling finger!
    Wear it in good health!
  19. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Oh PG, I am so sorry to hear about your daughter...I just shake my head at the drama...the way they live. It's all very sad and scary I know. I so hope she will, as they say, "one day look into the sky at the sun...and finally say, "I see the light". Heard this the other day on Facebook and it reminded me of what we all hope our difficult child's do at some point.

    I am so pleased you have a truly dear husband. Cling to what works PG.
    And enjoy the love inside the wedding set that your husband is working for...a real gift for sure.

    Hang in there PG,
  20. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    You have a loving and kind husband. The ring is a token of all you have together, be proud, you deserve it. It's important to your husband to buy these for you both, the money could not go to anything more useful because nothing else is.