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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 625997" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Recovering posted to me once that if I could step away, I would be making room for other options.</p><p></p><p>And this turned out to be true.</p><p></p><p>It helped me to say things like: "You are not a beggar." "I want you independent ~ independent for your own sake, for your own strength of character." I used things like "Oh, I'm sorry that happened to you." and, "What do you think is going to happen, now?" Or, "Everything will turn out okay." In reassuring the child of his or her strength, and of his or her ability to think everything through and make the right choice, I was telling myself a different story about who my child was.</p><p></p><p>A better story.</p><p></p><p>I think the kids believed it, too.</p><p></p><p>It made it easier for me to not leap in.</p><p></p><p>And just as Recovering had posted to me, other options presented themselves.</p><p></p><p>Another of the moms here used the imagery of sitting on her lips so she would not offer advice or money or continue to be the mom who figured everything out. The kids need to work through the situations they have created for themselves, JKF, or they will never mature into the adults they are meant to be.</p><p></p><p>We need to let them go. Part of that is trusting them enough to let them handle the consequences of their choices. Whatever it is, they have the right, the obligation, and the honor to create their own lives. I was so committed to putting them back into that place I wanted them to live from that I never saw anything else. My kids are nearing forty, JKF. </p><p></p><p>For me, for us, it didn't help anyone for me to be there to the degree that I was. It harmed the kids, I think. </p><p></p><p>Unless you are willing to have him home or to pay for an apartment, you will need to tell him at some point that he does not need you to do these things for him, JKF. Tell him that he is perfectly capable, that he must have had some plan in mind when things began to go South with the grandfather, that you are not going to let him come home, and that you are not going to pay for an apartment, because he needs to take care of himself like the grown man he is.</p><p></p><p>I know it sounds impossible to say those things to your own child, JKF. I thought it was impossible, too. But then, one day, after posting and posting about it until I am sure everyone was like, sick to death of hearing about it...I did it.</p><p></p><p>And, when I was ready, it was easy.</p><p></p><p>And I felt just great.</p><p></p><p>And as it turns out, JKF, that was my first step to changing so many things in my life that I hardly recognize myself, anymore.</p><p></p><p>If you post to us as you go through it, it will be easier, I think. But each of us needs to get there in her own time. However this happens, however things work out this time, you are getting stronger, you are seeing alternatives to leaping in to save him.</p><p></p><p>That is a good beginning. That is how it all started to change for me, too.</p><p></p><p>We are all right here, and we have been through so much hurt, too.</p><p></p><p>But we made it through, and so will you, JKF.</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry for the pain, and the confusion and hurt of it, JKF.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 625997, member: 17461"] Recovering posted to me once that if I could step away, I would be making room for other options. And this turned out to be true. It helped me to say things like: "You are not a beggar." "I want you independent ~ independent for your own sake, for your own strength of character." I used things like "Oh, I'm sorry that happened to you." and, "What do you think is going to happen, now?" Or, "Everything will turn out okay." In reassuring the child of his or her strength, and of his or her ability to think everything through and make the right choice, I was telling myself a different story about who my child was. A better story. I think the kids believed it, too. It made it easier for me to not leap in. And just as Recovering had posted to me, other options presented themselves. Another of the moms here used the imagery of sitting on her lips so she would not offer advice or money or continue to be the mom who figured everything out. The kids need to work through the situations they have created for themselves, JKF, or they will never mature into the adults they are meant to be. We need to let them go. Part of that is trusting them enough to let them handle the consequences of their choices. Whatever it is, they have the right, the obligation, and the honor to create their own lives. I was so committed to putting them back into that place I wanted them to live from that I never saw anything else. My kids are nearing forty, JKF. For me, for us, it didn't help anyone for me to be there to the degree that I was. It harmed the kids, I think. Unless you are willing to have him home or to pay for an apartment, you will need to tell him at some point that he does not need you to do these things for him, JKF. Tell him that he is perfectly capable, that he must have had some plan in mind when things began to go South with the grandfather, that you are not going to let him come home, and that you are not going to pay for an apartment, because he needs to take care of himself like the grown man he is. I know it sounds impossible to say those things to your own child, JKF. I thought it was impossible, too. But then, one day, after posting and posting about it until I am sure everyone was like, sick to death of hearing about it...I did it. And, when I was ready, it was easy. And I felt just great. And as it turns out, JKF, that was my first step to changing so many things in my life that I hardly recognize myself, anymore. If you post to us as you go through it, it will be easier, I think. But each of us needs to get there in her own time. However this happens, however things work out this time, you are getting stronger, you are seeing alternatives to leaping in to save him. That is a good beginning. That is how it all started to change for me, too. We are all right here, and we have been through so much hurt, too. But we made it through, and so will you, JKF. I'm so sorry for the pain, and the confusion and hurt of it, JKF. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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