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not sure what to do anymore, newbie here
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 635204" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Emotionally Drained, you are at the right place. I am sorry your daughter is out of control. I understand as I have a 25 year old son who brought me here about 10 months ago. I have been in Al-Anon---a regular---for the past 4.5 years since his addiction and all that comes with it escalated. </p><p></p><p>ED, I hope you have learned by reading what you have already that there is not one thing you can do to make your daughter stop or to get her well. If she won't comply with medical advice, she will continue like she is.</p><p></p><p>The only thing you CAN do is take care of yourself and work to stop enabling, detach with love and accept reality---what is. </p><p></p><p>It's not what people say, it's what they DO. I remind myself of this fact every single day with my son.</p><p></p><p>I love my son very much but he has worn me completely out. Today, as I said this week to someone, his behavior and his lifestyle are toxic to me. It's like continuing to pour poison on my skin and me wondering why it breaks out in hives...every single time. I can't be very close to his lifestyle. So...I try to maintain some bare contact with him---he is homeless but he is working right now. Within the past month he got stabbed and his dad and I helped him for about two and a half weeks---got him a motel to stay in---but that's over now.</p><p></p><p>My son makes very bad decisions. And until he wakes up and realizes he doesn't want to live like that anymore, the insanity will continue.</p><p></p><p>For 10 years I have done everything under the sun to "help" him. Nothing changed. It only got worse. I am today humbled by this and I have worked very very hard on myself to get rid of my own wrong thinking and behaviors, through Al-Anon. This board is another wonderful tool that I write and read on every single day. Every post teaches me and reinforces the new behavior that I am working on. Books, like Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, the many wonderful Al-Anon books, writing, reading, praying, meditating, therapy, exercise...on and on, there are many ways to cope with this, and have a good life.</p><p></p><p>You need to focus on your own life. Your husband and your other children. Your daughter is an adult. Like MWM often says, people her age are fighting in wars, working full time, have children of their own and are leading responsible lives. </p><p></p><p>Yes, she has a mental illness. But it is her CHOICE not to make treatment a part of her life. That is on her, not on you. </p><p></p><p>Addiction is also a mental illness, like my son has. It is a primary diagnosis. It's on him that he does not do what he needs to do to recover and thus, his life is a complete mess. Jail (8 or 9 times), misdemeanors, felonies, homelessness, very few possessions, nowhere to sleep, no car to drive, nothing, basically. My son had everything, a complete college education paid for ahead of him, an upper middle class upbringing, every Sunday in church...the works. I say that because I want you to know that no matter what your daughter's upbringing was, it would not have been enough to "save her" from this. </p><p></p><p>So, work on yourself to release the guilt. Most of us here on this board have been very good parents---not perfect parents---but very good parents. We love our adult kids. We would have stood in front of a train for them, and at times, it feels like we did, and the train has run right over us. We would give our last penny to help them, but believe me, it's not about money or talking to them or anything. It's about them.</p><p></p><p>We have to let them go. We have to let them find their own way, no matter how hard it is for us to watch. They are adults, with all of the rights---and responsibilities---of being adults.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs. Keep coming back. Start reading on this board for 15 minutes at least every single day. That alone is a great tool and will help you get stronger and stronger. It's about YOU now. Not her.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 635204, member: 17542"] Hi Emotionally Drained, you are at the right place. I am sorry your daughter is out of control. I understand as I have a 25 year old son who brought me here about 10 months ago. I have been in Al-Anon---a regular---for the past 4.5 years since his addiction and all that comes with it escalated. ED, I hope you have learned by reading what you have already that there is not one thing you can do to make your daughter stop or to get her well. If she won't comply with medical advice, she will continue like she is. The only thing you CAN do is take care of yourself and work to stop enabling, detach with love and accept reality---what is. It's not what people say, it's what they DO. I remind myself of this fact every single day with my son. I love my son very much but he has worn me completely out. Today, as I said this week to someone, his behavior and his lifestyle are toxic to me. It's like continuing to pour poison on my skin and me wondering why it breaks out in hives...every single time. I can't be very close to his lifestyle. So...I try to maintain some bare contact with him---he is homeless but he is working right now. Within the past month he got stabbed and his dad and I helped him for about two and a half weeks---got him a motel to stay in---but that's over now. My son makes very bad decisions. And until he wakes up and realizes he doesn't want to live like that anymore, the insanity will continue. For 10 years I have done everything under the sun to "help" him. Nothing changed. It only got worse. I am today humbled by this and I have worked very very hard on myself to get rid of my own wrong thinking and behaviors, through Al-Anon. This board is another wonderful tool that I write and read on every single day. Every post teaches me and reinforces the new behavior that I am working on. Books, like Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, the many wonderful Al-Anon books, writing, reading, praying, meditating, therapy, exercise...on and on, there are many ways to cope with this, and have a good life. You need to focus on your own life. Your husband and your other children. Your daughter is an adult. Like MWM often says, people her age are fighting in wars, working full time, have children of their own and are leading responsible lives. Yes, she has a mental illness. But it is her CHOICE not to make treatment a part of her life. That is on her, not on you. Addiction is also a mental illness, like my son has. It is a primary diagnosis. It's on him that he does not do what he needs to do to recover and thus, his life is a complete mess. Jail (8 or 9 times), misdemeanors, felonies, homelessness, very few possessions, nowhere to sleep, no car to drive, nothing, basically. My son had everything, a complete college education paid for ahead of him, an upper middle class upbringing, every Sunday in church...the works. I say that because I want you to know that no matter what your daughter's upbringing was, it would not have been enough to "save her" from this. So, work on yourself to release the guilt. Most of us here on this board have been very good parents---not perfect parents---but very good parents. We love our adult kids. We would have stood in front of a train for them, and at times, it feels like we did, and the train has run right over us. We would give our last penny to help them, but believe me, it's not about money or talking to them or anything. It's about them. We have to let them go. We have to let them find their own way, no matter how hard it is for us to watch. They are adults, with all of the rights---and responsibilities---of being adults. Warm hugs. Keep coming back. Start reading on this board for 15 minutes at least every single day. That alone is a great tool and will help you get stronger and stronger. It's about YOU now. Not her. [/QUOTE]
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