Not sure what to say

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Oct 6, 2018.

  1. As you all know my adult child was discharged from a 30 day treatment program for alcohol/drug addiction 2 weeks ago. went in willingly after 2 other unsuccessful tries. About 2 weeks into the program signed the release for counselor to talk to me and when she did I could hear the joy in her voice. She said how S has really come around, was laughing and smiling with the other patients. She said was doing really well and she could see true personality starting to appear.
    Before discharge he got his 30 day token and was so proud.
    said he would continue working out with the program they gave him in treatment. While at treatment worked out daily.

    We feared S going back to live alone in his apartment
    The day after discharge sent me a text about how bad his depression was. As the weeks go on the depression is getting worse.
    I have notified the IOP numerous times. They tell me they are aware of it.
    So, last night he FaceTImed with us.... So very sad. ained the weight expression, no desire to live.. Does nothing except go to work, IOP and AA meetings. Will go to meetings back to back just to avoid sitting in apartment. Refuses to go to the gym, cook, etc.

    met a girl at detox-remained friends with her. She had relapsed and now is in a sober living home and likes it. goes to meetings with her and stays in touch. I said maybe he should try sober living and it was immediately NO.
    told him he has a whole new life ahead of him now that he is sober and he needs to take it one day at a time. Not to look back. ( I remember him telling me that he isn't going to look back anymore- he said that on the phone while in treatment )
    I asked if there was anything I could do for him and I got "NO, YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED"
    I so want ask him how was it that when he was in treatment he was happy, he had a entire new outlook on life and as soon as he is back to living alone he switches back to the depressed guy who refuses to do anything that may make him feel better? They gave him a workout plan. They promoted sober activity events to meet others, etc.

    He said he doesn't want to live anymore.
    I just want to reach through the phone and shake him. What happened to the guy that was in treatment and was laughing and having fun with the guys. When he would call he would say "I have to go, tonight is game night, etc.
    Can I remind him of how he was? My counselor said I am not to do that. I just don't understand why he is so against sober living and having people around.
    Sorry again for my long post. You all are all I have to talk to. My marriage is about over. I am just to overwhelmed with my AS to care about anything else.
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2018
  2. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Trying, I am so sorry. This is hard stuff.

    Are you familiar with oncept of ‘the pink cloud’ in recovery? It is a phenomenon where people feel GREAT in early recovery - only to crash again as reality sets in. Could this describe what your son is going through? It is apparently pretty common.

    It is unfortunate that he is so against sober living. It sounds like he could definitely use the full time support right now. I hope some of the new people he has met will continue to be positive influences in his life and maybe be able to convince him to give it a try.

    I have had three struggle with addiction, and N is the only one successfully recovering. He is six years clean now and has a wonderful family. His recovery was in prison though - and I think for him it had to be. He would not have gone willingly to a sober living facility either. But he did well in the three month court mandated halfway house. He needed that much structure to get through it.

    C and S won’t even attend a meeting and are not ready for sobriety. C tries on his own, has mYbe a week clean and gets a bit of that ‘recovery high’. Then he falls off the wagon. He says he really wants to be better but he isn’t willing to get help. S hasn’t even tried. She is still at the ‘sobriety is for suckers and boring people’ stage.

    I think you said all of the right things. I would have said the same. I am inclined to think that this rebound he is going through is real rather than manipulation based on what I have read. Addiction does terrible things to your brain chemistry, and going through that readjustment period must be awful. I struggle with depression myself and I know what it’s like to be in that dark place where it feels like there is no point in trying because nothing will ever get better. It’s your brain lying to you, but it feels very real.

    I think I would continue just trying to be supportive and encouraging right now. He’s going to be emotionally volatile- expect it. Please take care of yourself also. I am sorry your marriage is not a support for you right now. I think these situations can be a strain even on a good relationship. Hang in there, and do something good just for you today.
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hi. I am sorry. I have just accepted myself that we can not keep our grown kids alive whether they live with us or not. They have to do it. Often suicide is used to scare us inro making their lives easier but I dont know your son and if this is him or not. Either way he will act and do what he wants. Thirty days in my opinion is not long enough to fix depresdion let alone addiction. If he truly wanted to be sober he would go to sober living. This is common sense. Not IOP . Not your cant help him and it will help kill YOU....sober living. Rebound or not is not important in my opinion. He is refusing the highest level of help. So does he really want to quit? Has he even quit?

    Words mean nothing. We can all claim to want to climb a mountain .Unless we do it, the words were just a wistful or manipulative vent maybe to impress people. Your son knows he is your weak spot. If he wants to get sober he knows how. You dont have to make suggestions. He will just refuse them. He probably knows more options than you. He can be surrounded by cheerleaders if he chooses those options. But rhey wont make life easy or pity him. Other addicts can be sympathetix but tough. And they will never hand him money. They know money means buying a substance.

    He cal deal with grief and sorrow over the past in therapy. You cant be his therapist. We are all roo biased. And we have no training. Anyhow doctors often refuse to treat family. Its hard.

    I think he is playing you. I have been played. We all have. We all want to rhink the best of a beloved SO or spouse or child or other loved one. Their job to suck us in is easy. Ourts, to see through it, is hard.

    Ask yourself what on earth you can do? You have done everything you could do and it didn't work.

    I feel for you. I am sorry

    Love and light!
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2018
  4. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    I don't know you or your son. This is only my own experience, not advice.

    Your description of his current life gave me a flashback. I was in my late 20s turning 30. I lived alone. I had undx severe depression. Everything looked black despite a good career, good income, owned my house, had friends, future. What I desperately wanted, more than the perfect boyfriend even, was someone to sit with me 24/7. A dead relationship with boyfriend I didn't really love had just ended. Missed his kids far more than I missed him. Didn't want my mother, but mine was useless in relationships. Just a friend. Didn't want to be alone. The darkness at night scared me. Being alone scared me. I wanted to talk to someone, in person or by phone 24/7. I went to work every day. Lost weight, thinnest time in my life, cause I just wasn't interested in food. Wasn't interested in anything really. What changed all this? I attempted suicide. My intention was serious. The execution poor. I lived. I got medications. I set my life in a slightly different direction. Thought about what I really wanted, what made me happy/ smile. Set a plan to get those things and get rid of the things that weren't making me happy. It wasn't an overnight overhaul. It was a new direction. But it was the combo of medications (old ones not SSRIs) and new look at life that did it. Got a dog. Became a foster parent. Gave my 3 mo notice at work.

    Many years later now. I know the signs of depression. Have never been that bad again. Pay much more attention to making myself happy today... Not biding time waiting for Mr. Right. My happiness comes from within.. Not from a partner. I have my fair share of nasty childhood history, bad habits, etc. Over the years I've had therapy for various reasons not the least of which was my gift from God. Therapy has been great. But back then it was freeing myself from what my family and society said I should do and be. Being me.
  5. Nature

    Nature Active Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through this and my heart goes out to you. I understand the helplessness of speaking to our child hearing their words and fearing they are in a desperate state and not being able to get through to them. You mentioned your child works if I read that correctly? That in itself shows responsibility and the way out to a better life. You mentioned the woman he made a connection with in rehab -perhaps he is listening to her words? Sometimes it's one person that makes a connection and will get through. The changing of the mindset isn't always apparent at first but slowly creeps into their psyche with time. You said: Does nothing except go to work, IOP and AA meetings. Those actions appear that he is doing "something" - however, his previous addiction leaves you wary and understandably you are concerned for his mental health. I pray you mom heart will be at ease with his accomplishments so far and the fact that he's openly able to speak to you about his mental health is seen as a positive. Many times those with dark thoughts may not share that with loved ones.

    Thank you Smithmom for sharing your story which gives hope to many. Your insight is invaluable and increases your level of understanding those who are walking the same path as you previously did.