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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 680894" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>ksm, have you posted in Parent Emeritus as well? Also, post on Watercooler. One of us will have been presented with this situation. Only someone who has walked through it can advise you in a worthwhile way. We can offer support and encouragement, but what you need now is a way to maintain self image and emotional stability, and factual legal advice. Then, if you and D H can get on the same page about how you want this to look as you go through it and what the best outcome for all concerned will be, that will help you both. Then, if you can decide now which are the family boundaries you will not allow to be breached, you will feel better prepared. Thinking about those boundaries (which is really what the birth mother is attacking, when you think about it) will help you two to remember the wonder of the family you have created together.</p><p></p><p>That will be important in the years to come.</p><p></p><p>No one can say how this is going to play out. So, I think it will be helpful for you and D H to create mental imagery of how it would all look if the best possible things happened. For me, that imagery was simple Family Dinner. Maybe that could help you, too. You will find your own imagery, but that one works to keep me focused on the best outcome instead of being bogged down in the ugliness that might be happening day to day.</p><p></p><p>Because she is undermining the child's family life, it seems to me that the bio mom will be making sky in the pie projections to her child and to herself to assuage her own rottenness. Whatever her fantasies and excuses and whoever she is blaming, this woman does not know her child's challenges or tendernesses or heart. She is sliding in under the radar beneath the mantle of Motherhood <em>when the mother here is you. </em>If the birth mother were honestly hoping to be part of her child's life, she would have come to you and D H with sincere gratitude.</p><p></p><p>Unless I am reading this wrong, this is not what is happening.</p><p></p><p>If I were in your position, my maternal alarms would be blaring but I would be unsure of my moral right to field events for my child.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry this bratty birth mother is choosing to interact with your family in this way, delegitimizing everything.</p><p></p><p>There is grief for you, and for D H, in the way the birth mother is approaching everything to do with this child, in my opinion.</p><p></p><p>It is the situation that is bad. Not you, not your child.</p><p></p><p>The child is vulnerable to the birth mother in ten thousand ways because she is an adolescent and the birth mother is using that for all she is worth.</p><p></p><p>Can you find support similar to what we do here through an adoption site, I wonder. You cannot be the only mother this is happening to. This has to be undermining you all on so many levels.</p><p></p><p>So. That is all I know. Plus, I know that here on Conduct Disorders, there will be ethical others who can walk this time that is coming with you.</p><p></p><p>We just need to make them aware of what is happening.</p><p></p><p>So, post in Watercooler and Parent Emeritus too, if you haven't already, okay, ksm?</p><p></p><p>And of course we are always right here, too.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 680894, member: 17461"] ksm, have you posted in Parent Emeritus as well? Also, post on Watercooler. One of us will have been presented with this situation. Only someone who has walked through it can advise you in a worthwhile way. We can offer support and encouragement, but what you need now is a way to maintain self image and emotional stability, and factual legal advice. Then, if you and D H can get on the same page about how you want this to look as you go through it and what the best outcome for all concerned will be, that will help you both. Then, if you can decide now which are the family boundaries you will not allow to be breached, you will feel better prepared. Thinking about those boundaries (which is really what the birth mother is attacking, when you think about it) will help you two to remember the wonder of the family you have created together. That will be important in the years to come. No one can say how this is going to play out. So, I think it will be helpful for you and D H to create mental imagery of how it would all look if the best possible things happened. For me, that imagery was simple Family Dinner. Maybe that could help you, too. You will find your own imagery, but that one works to keep me focused on the best outcome instead of being bogged down in the ugliness that might be happening day to day. Because she is undermining the child's family life, it seems to me that the bio mom will be making sky in the pie projections to her child and to herself to assuage her own rottenness. Whatever her fantasies and excuses and whoever she is blaming, this woman does not know her child's challenges or tendernesses or heart. She is sliding in under the radar beneath the mantle of Motherhood [I]when the mother here is you. [/I]If the birth mother were honestly hoping to be part of her child's life, she would have come to you and D H with sincere gratitude. Unless I am reading this wrong, this is not what is happening. If I were in your position, my maternal alarms would be blaring but I would be unsure of my moral right to field events for my child. I am so sorry this bratty birth mother is choosing to interact with your family in this way, delegitimizing everything. There is grief for you, and for D H, in the way the birth mother is approaching everything to do with this child, in my opinion. It is the situation that is bad. Not you, not your child. The child is vulnerable to the birth mother in ten thousand ways because she is an adolescent and the birth mother is using that for all she is worth. Can you find support similar to what we do here through an adoption site, I wonder. You cannot be the only mother this is happening to. This has to be undermining you all on so many levels. So. That is all I know. Plus, I know that here on Conduct Disorders, there will be ethical others who can walk this time that is coming with you. We just need to make them aware of what is happening. So, post in Watercooler and Parent Emeritus too, if you haven't already, okay, ksm? And of course we are always right here, too. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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