Not to Hi-Jack Step's Thread...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Nov 23, 2009.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    but now MY daughter wants permission to go out drinking and smoking and what-not, too!!!

    Is this some new trend among 14-year olds? Drugs and alcohol are now so "normal" and "OK" that we actually think we can just ask our parents' permission and then we can go run wild????

    On the one hand--I think it is outrageous that a teen would even think to ask for such a "priviledge" in the first place....

    But on the other hand--I have seen so much outrageous behavior being dismissed as "O, typical teenager!"...that I wonder if some parents really are granting "permission" for this sort of thing since, after all, it's just so typical teen.

    Has it become unusual to want to keep our kids from experimenting with drugs, cigarrettes and alcohol???

  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!


    Nope, that's not something normal at all. Certainly not with the kids that mine associate with. Maybe that's the role model some of these other kids are getting, and your difficult child is simply picking up on that.

    We've been brainwashing ours since they could talk that drugs and alcohol abuse is bad for them. I rarely drink at home... maybe a glass of wine with dinner at a special gathering. husband doesn't drink at all.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    LOL! And my son wanted permission to have sex at 12yo the week after "he became a man" (those were his words that translate into, he crossed the big line of puberty). This is where I get on my soap box that society needs to quit reacting to kids by handing them condoms, drugs, and alcohol when they are too young to handle it. I can see condoms, but not for my son at 12yo- he got my lecture on waiting until he's in high school and at least dating someone. Not to mention, he was on an ankle bracelet and house arrest awaiting a trial at the time. Oh- and the girl who had been coming onto him (yes- she was the aggressor in it all) was 10yo. Age of consent in this state is 13yo. I threatened anyone who gave my son a condom in that situation that I would file charges for TWO counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

    Anyway- back to your issue- NO WAY IN HADES would I give permission for this. I know there is only so much we can do to prevent it and we can't control everything our kids do- especially the difficult child's- but that doesn't mean we have to give permission for it.

    As far as most kids ata this age- I don't think it's the norm, however, in some households, pot and drinking are being done by the parents a lot and the kids are either directly allowed or the parent just turns a blind eye, unfortunately. I saw this in a small percentage of kids/households. difficult child has told me that in Department of Juvenile Justice, he has learned that some of these kids in gangs are in because they had no choice- their parents are and have been in gangs since they were kids. It's a shame.

    I've been called controlling for this, but I don't allow my son to hang out with kids if I know they do drugs or drink. (He's 14yo) People can say what they want but I guarantee you that the court people and people in this neighborhood expect parents to keep their kids under control.
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2009
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Nope--we would never dream of granting permission for drugs...and like GCVMom, we don't even have any alcohol in the house as we rarely drink ourselves. Maybe a little wine for a special occasion, but that's it.

    And husband has been trying hard to quit smoking for years. ( He finally, finally did it this summer. Yay!!) husband has spent a lot of time telling the kids to never even start with cigarrettes because they'll never let you put them down.

    I am just floored that difficult child would even have the nerve to ask for permission for something like that. I thought it was pretty unusual when I read Step's thread about Onyxx asking to be allowed to smoke pot--and then to hear it from my own daughter the next week???

    What are these kids thinking???
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Do they think?? LOL!

    Parents here can (and will) get arrested if they were to let their kid do drugs or drink. Sometimes the parent gets into trtouble or loses custody if the kid is doing stuff like that and the parent didn't give permission, but the legal people or dss don't think the parent did enough to prevent it or stop it.

    To clarify my condom issue with my son- just in case someone wonders about it- my son does understand not to have sex without one so I was confident that he wouldn't "do it anyway". I'm really not against birth control at all- I am against sending him the message that it's ok just because his body can now function that way and a girl will let him.
  6. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    They're NOT thinking, that's the thing. I think the hypothalamus (I think that's it) took a vacation. I would NEVER have asked my parents for permission. In fact I don't think I've TOLD them I ever TRIED it. And for heaven's sake I'm almost 40. Oh wow.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Now that I'm done laughing, I'll give my two cents.

    Um, no. Nobody (including kids) smoke in my house. Ever. If I find out you use the allowance you get for cigarettes, the allowance ceases. This happened with my oldest daughter. I guess she bummed ciggies off of others. Now she no longer smokes, but I'm always shocked at parents who say, "I'd rather have her smoke in front of me than sneak." Not me. I'd rather make an unhealthy habit like smoking as difficult as possible.

    Drinking and drugs isn't even on the table until you are old enough legally and since drugs are illegal, it's never ok in my house :tongue:. Hub and I don't drink so bring your own beer (my son Mark drinks beer) because we don't have any. Don't get drunk either in our house, adult or not.

    I try to make sure my daughter does not hang out with any kids who do drugs or drink or have sex. However, I'm realistic enough to know that since she is extremely social (her cell phone has 250 contacts just from this neighborhood) it's possible, she knows kids who make bad choices. I am also 100% sure she has not done any of that and hope it continues. Her closest friends are good kids. I don't let her go to anyone's house until I call and ask, "You WILL be home, right?"

    I'm a witch. :ashamed:

    A note of warning: You can be a good parent who talks openly and often about drugs/alcohol/sex and still have a difficult child who does all three. My 25 year old is proof. Don't blame yourself if it happens, but certainly in my opinion don't give them permission and make it easy for them.
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, heck no. Permission. PFFT. Nice that she is comfortable to ask. Not happening, though.

    I've tried to call parents. Demand that she leave a number. At first it was easy, she stayed where she was supposed to be til husband or I called, then she and her friend snuck out. Happened at our house once - cops brought them back - we called friend's parents to come get her.

    So... NOT IN MY HOUSE.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I asked, my mom bought me the beer, liquor and took me down to the head shop to pick out a nice bong!
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    My difficult child is still convinced that alcohol will mess up his medications and that illegal drugs or other peoples rx drugs or even the dextromethorphan will kill him if he mixes it with his medications. He LIKES the way he feels and functions on his medications and doesn't want to mess it up.

    Of course, 2 years ago I learned he had sex while in the acute care psychiatric hospital. He TRIED to use a "makeshift condom" aka a snickers wrapper. It took me almost a year after that to eat a snickers bar - and they used to be my favorite! Not only did I lecture him, each grandparent lectured him, then they lectured him together AND I made him go with me to the pediatrician to see if any tests for STDs were needed ((hepatitis and HIV were the only ones that he might have gotten, given the time lag between when I found out and when it happened)). The pediatrician read him the RIOT act. Same thing I told him, but it got through better coming from the doctor.

    Jessie hasn't asked, but I doubt she would. She saw a LOT of what my bro did while drinking. She still has the occasional panicky moments if she sees someone angry and can see or smell that they have been drinking. So I don't think we will see too many problems from her with regard to alcohol.

    Jessie's crowd is very anti-drug, -smoke, -alcohol. They quit letting one girl hang out with them because she started smoking last year 8th grade) and when they saw she had a joint on her at school they went to the school cop. They knew she got it from her parents and they said so.

    We still keep an eye open for it though. But it is NOT typical to ask for this.

    Of course, we are "enlightened" parents now and our kids do not have the fear that I had as a teen. I was pretty sure that my parents would laugh hysterically if I asked for cigarettes or drugs. AFTER they took a belt to me. And my parents stopped spanking us after we were 10 or so. Even before that age spanking was only for real safety problems.

    I am sorry your kids want to try this stuff.
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm asking myself "how" but am trying hard not to visualize this.

    *snort* I am laughing so hard that I will have to come back later to read the rest of this.

  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    K...Im with you on the how? I hope for his sake it was a king-sized snickers bar...lmao!
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member


    OMG! I'm not even going there.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have been mulling this whole snicker bar wrapper/condom thing for the past couple of hours. It really has me bumfuzzled. LOL.

    I just cant wrap my head around it. No pun intended.

    How would that work? I cant work out the details! I have got a candy bar out and removed the wrapper and studied it. I did various contortions. I still cant see it! It would fall off! Presuming it actually fit on in the first place. They arent very big.

    I would be more prone to believe a sandwich baggie or cellophane.

    Just call me Stymied in the corner in NC
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    LOL! Let's just conclude that "but for the grace of God" Susie would be a grandparent right now.
  16. compassion

    compassion Member

    Daisyface, My heart goes out to you. (((( )))). This is where my difficult child ,now 16.5 has beenat oh, since probalby aroudn 12. She currently doe not live with us. I am very involved with Aaaaaal-anon and Families Anon. I reccomene the onlinne FA. I leanred about this from this list and it has been a lifesaver for me. I have a sponsor whose d/a (daighter/addict) also left home at 16.
    Yes, as several have shared. We do not allow cigs, drinking or drugs at home. I do not buy cigs sfor her. We do our bet to not enable by limiting cash to her.
    I trie dfor years and years to channel her enenrgy nto positive channels like sports,music, scout,chucrch groups.When this exploed about age 15.5, she would run away and party,etc. Then, it was the hospitlizations, therapy,etc.
    I really am powerless over her mental illness and addicitons.
    Today, the focus is protectign ourselves. I love her but I was totallyh powerelss over making her stop the destuctive behaviors.
    Currently, she has been out of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for 6 months. She is medication adherent as we daily give her her medications. We have 3t-docs and a p-doctor on board. She is doidn school a bit (about 10 minutes a day with me 3 days a week). She shops fo grocerices (life skills) once a week and we help her stay on budget.
    She lives with her boyfriend (age 19) and another guy about hte same age.
    Just my experince.
  17. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Gosh, it makes me wish I could "lement about the good old days"!! When we wouldn't dare to ask this of our parents.

    I did have difficult child ask me if it is okay to have a toast at his friends house New Years Eve. He will be shy of his 17th birthday then. 2 years shy of our drinking age of 19. This would be after discussion with his friends dad, where he is going for that night. The dad said his sons get a small glass to toast midnight and Matt would not get one if I didn't call. Matt wasn't angry that I wanted to say no. We did discuss why I said no. We then discussed that he is responsable, has tons of chances to get high or drink right in his school (true true true) and that when with his 20 year old friend (friends since infancy really) he has never drank,e ven though friend could legally purchase alcohol (true). After discussion, we decided he could do the toast. We discussed how abuse of alcohol is different in other countries where somethign like a small glass to toast an occassion is not banned, even from younger children. Also true. If difficult child had been crossing a line with drugs and alcohol, I would have stuck to my guns. He was told my change of mind and why. And also that if he EVER defied this, and if he drinks before legal age without my consent, it would be a lockdown like he'd never known. LOL
    Having said all that, if he were pushign for parties etc, I'd be flipping! Kids are not the same today as in our day or our parents or grandparents. Its a crazy world to grow up in.
  18. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    We do have a toast at midnight for whoever's there. I have a thing though... Due to alcoholism in family and Onyxx's predilection for alcohol (she's always liked it), I have sparkling grape juice for the kids.

    And sometimes for me.

    Now that I have a Dad and a best friend who no longer drink, I'm probably not even going to bother with the alcohol.
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I love sparkling grape juice better than champagne!

    Though I have to admit...on Cory's 18th birthday, I bought 2 bottles of pink champagne and we all sat around and toasted each other for making it to that milestone. He thought we were toasting him but in reality we were so damn glad to have him be an adult, we were