Not what I wanted to hear

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterby, Nov 4, 2009.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Without going into detail, therapist doesn't think difficult child has a conscience.

    I don't know if I'm surprised. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know if I agree. I can't find a reason to disagree - and I've been trying.

    I'm just numb.
  2. Jeppy

    Jeppy New Member

    I've often wondered if my difficult child has a conscience, and have concluded he has a primitive warrior one - loyalty to friends (it would be fellow fighters in a military setting), willingness to engage in dangerous behavior for the goals he wants, stubborn cold-headed resolve to achieve his ends. Maybe he was just born in the wrong time and place.
  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Heather, that's pretty tough to hear.


  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Does she cry and express remorse? Even realizing late in my life that I am a borderline, albeit just "traits" and improved with therapy (this is hope, if she wants to improve)...I always had a great deal of remorse when I did something to hurt others. I would literally want to throw myself out the window, and would be very contrite.

    Also, some stubborn kids refuse to show remorse that they feel maybe? '

    Have you ever heard of DBT therapy? If you haven't, maybe you can do a search on it. It's strictly for borderlines and is very helpful. It teachers skills that borderlines lack and ways to regulate the emotional dysfunction.

    I hope I'm not insulting I do know you have a lot of knowledge. This is only in case you weren't aware of this. I just found out about it myself and am going to start it so that I can have healthier relationships for the rest of my life.
  5. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Oh, that must have been too hard to listen to. Offering a cyber shoulder to lean on.
  6. ML

    ML Guest

    She is mentally ill. She didn't ask to be this way. I believe that your parenting by example has more of an impact than you realize. Don't lose hope, but in the mean time, take care of you. Gentle hugs xo ML
  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Heather, I've heard the same about kt & wm; especially wm. However, the tweedles are slowly learning empathy, learning to put others before themselves.

    It's a long road & takes a lot of patience & therapy.

    You cannot write off your difficult child yet - not the way it works. She's in the midst of adolescence, learning her way thru school, trying to determine who she is & is pushing her independence. Top that off with difficult child issues - I don't know but I think it's too early to make that call.

    Take heart - lead by example.
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    First let me offer some ((((hugs)))).

    Second--(and I forget to do this myself) remember to take everything the therapist says with a "grain of salt". Mental illness is not an exact science...there is a lot of guesswork and trial-and-error involved.

    PLUS--your daughter is still growing, developing, changing--nothing is written in stone at this age (for any of us, thank goodness!).

  9. tictoc

    tictoc New Member

    That is a tough thing to hear...I wonder, though, how many people have a real conscience at 14? As an adult, I think I have an over-active conscience, but at 14 it was not really there.

    I'll be thinking of you. Do something nice for yourself today.
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Heather. What a difficult thing to hear.
  11. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Who said I was writing her off?

    I am, however, allowed to be angry, frustrated, and resentful. I've bent over backwards for this child. She's been in and out of therapy since she was 5 years old. Tdocs have been looking for signs of empathy since she was 7. I've had more than one tell me they don't see any. When she refused to go and/or participate in therapy, I went so I could learn ways to help my daughter.

    And what do I get for it? A kid who thinks she has a horrible life, who blames everything on everyone else, who can only speak to me without disdain when she wants something, and who thinks that I'm not really sick - that I "fake a lot of it".

    That last part is the newest revelation. And it pretty much cinched things for me. I feel physically ill. My entire body is tensing up until it's painful and I can't make it stop.

    Writing her off? No. But, I need a break from it...from her.
  12. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Is there no one who could take her for a weekend to give you some respite? I know that's probably not nearly the amount of time you really could use, but just wondering out loud if there's someone who could give you a break for a few days.

  13. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I'm so sorry Flutterby. I am a bit lost, though. How does one figure out that a person has no conscience?

    It doesn't seem like its something that can be tested for. And, if there is some way to make a "hard" determination about this, how on earth does one go about treating it?
  14. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    There is no test and there is no definitive way of saying for sure. However, you can gauge reactions, verbal expressions, etc.

    therapist asked me about her father and I thought for a moment and said, "He's difficult child, except that he's also violent and a liar. I'm not entirely sure he has a conscience." therapist then responded that she doesn't think difficult child does either.

    MWM asked if she expresses remorse? No. Only when she knows I've finally had it and she's not going to get anything out of me. Then she expresses remorse, followed by how miserable her life is.

    She is starting to smile a lot more. Except with me, she actively tries not to smile. I'm serious. She actively tries not to smile.
  15. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    That opinon would knock my socks off for sure.