Hi Everyone,
I've just spent the past few hours (yes hours) reading the threads here. I just wanted (or needed!) to stop for a second and introduce myself.
I have two wonderful daughters; my difficult child is now 5 1/2 and her adoring easy child little sister is 3 1/2. difficult child's behavior problems surfaced around 18 months. At the time, we joked that she must have hit her terrible two's a little early! By the time she was 3 1/2 it just wasn't funny anymore. I have been slowly piecing the puzzle together over the past year with the help of a fantasic book, [ame="http://www.amazon.com/Defiance-Cooperation-Solutions-Transforming-Discouraged/dp/0761529551"]"From Defiance to Cooperation", by John F. Taylor, PhD. [/ame]
As many others have stated, ODD rarely comes on its own. While my difficult child has never been officially diagnosed, I truly believe that she has ODD; and only ODD. She just doesn't have any of the problems that are associated with ADD or ADHD. We came very close to having her evaluated professionally after speaking with a child psychologist who told us she sounded like a text book case of ODD. I had the paperwork all filled out, ready to have her tested. It was right at this time that my Ex Husband moved out. I slowly watched my difficult children behavior improve without any medication or treatment. Putting 2 and 2 together, I confronted my Ex. He admitted to getting angry with her once when I was out of town, throwing her across her bedroom causing her head to smash against the wall. Knowing my Ex, this most likely wasn't the only incident, just the one he was willing to admit to.
I was comfortable assuming that her ODD was caused by her environment, which had now been fixed. I could control her schedule and her nutrition (low sugar, high protein). By her 5th birthday it seemed that I had a very normal, happy, healthy 5 year old.
I recently got remarried and my difficult child started Kindergarten last month. ODD is now slowly rearing its head again. We've got the classic stuff; going from happy to angry in a split second; vindictive behavior; threatening to hurt her sister or our pet; destroying items that belong to others; kicking, screaming, hitting, throwing...you name it. I've been doing a lot more reading lately and finally made a biological connection as well. After having RSV at 6 weeks old, she had used Albuterol and Flovent inhalers for 2 to 3 years; right at the time her behavior started turning bad. Thankfully, she doesn't need them anymore. I can't continue to think that the ODD is gone completely; it is something that we have to manage together. I know that I am just a newbie here, but I wanted to share some of my most valuable tools (for young children):
Re-Direction
This was the first tool I tried to use when my difficult child was about 3 1/2. I half heartedly tried it; it couldn't possibly work. We had just come home from somewhere, I unbuckled her carseat. She didn't want to get out. Started kicking the seat in front of her; short, sharp bursts of "No! No!". It was the beginning of the behaviour bell curve. Ok, I'll try it. "Hey, do you think you can go all the way to the living room on your tiptoes?". As if a switch had been turned, her face lit up and she said, "Yeah!". We both tip toed around the house for the next ten minutes. Of course, my jaw was dragging on the floor behind me the whole time.
You Are Your Child's Mirror
I know it's hard to stay calm in the middle of a hurricane, but you must. Pick your battles. Many aren't worth the fight.
example: Just this morning, I had just poured milk into my daughter's cereal bowl in the kitchen, told her to sit at the table and I would bring it to her. Ignoring me, she grabbed the cereal bowl, made her way to the table and spilled it all over the floor. She looked up at me; expecting me to get mad, which I unfortunately obliged. "I TOLD you I would bring it to you!". "Fine!", she screams. She goes into the living room and starts to threaten to break things. I immediately backtrack, get down on her level and tell her that accidents happen; even to grown ups. She saw that I was calm, and she started to calm down. No, this doesn't work everytime, but it's heaven when it does! At times like these I always tell her that I love her, even when I don't love her actions. If you have a child that has a history of abuse, tell them this everyday. Eventually, they may believe you.
Listen to your Child/Respect thier feelings
This one seems obvious, but I find that many times we assume that we know what's going through their mind and just go from there.
example: Last night, difficult child wanted to help with dinner. We were having Raviolis. I told her that she could put the tomato sauce in when the pasta was done cooking. Meltdown ensues. Kicking, screaming....I don't know if any of you have seen this in your child, but I swear my difficult child's pupils dialate to the size of quarters when she's like this. I was confused, where did this come from?! I asked her why she was so angry and she yelled back at me, "I don't WANT to put in the sauce!!!". My gut reaction was to say, "Fine, then don't."....but I didn't....instead I asked her why she didn't want to put the sauce in. Long pause. Finally she said, quietly and angrily, "Because it will take a long time". "And you don't want to wait that long?" I asked. She shook her head no. Again, I got down on her level and gave her her very own tool; redirection. I told her that waiting is hard; it's hard for everyone. The trick is to do something else while you wait. She and her sister and I played I Spy in the kitchen while the pasta cooked.
Thank you, everyone, in advance for being a support group for each other. I'm sure I'll spend many more hours reading endlessly on this forum
I've just spent the past few hours (yes hours) reading the threads here. I just wanted (or needed!) to stop for a second and introduce myself.
I have two wonderful daughters; my difficult child is now 5 1/2 and her adoring easy child little sister is 3 1/2. difficult child's behavior problems surfaced around 18 months. At the time, we joked that she must have hit her terrible two's a little early! By the time she was 3 1/2 it just wasn't funny anymore. I have been slowly piecing the puzzle together over the past year with the help of a fantasic book, [ame="http://www.amazon.com/Defiance-Cooperation-Solutions-Transforming-Discouraged/dp/0761529551"]"From Defiance to Cooperation", by John F. Taylor, PhD. [/ame]
As many others have stated, ODD rarely comes on its own. While my difficult child has never been officially diagnosed, I truly believe that she has ODD; and only ODD. She just doesn't have any of the problems that are associated with ADD or ADHD. We came very close to having her evaluated professionally after speaking with a child psychologist who told us she sounded like a text book case of ODD. I had the paperwork all filled out, ready to have her tested. It was right at this time that my Ex Husband moved out. I slowly watched my difficult children behavior improve without any medication or treatment. Putting 2 and 2 together, I confronted my Ex. He admitted to getting angry with her once when I was out of town, throwing her across her bedroom causing her head to smash against the wall. Knowing my Ex, this most likely wasn't the only incident, just the one he was willing to admit to.
I was comfortable assuming that her ODD was caused by her environment, which had now been fixed. I could control her schedule and her nutrition (low sugar, high protein). By her 5th birthday it seemed that I had a very normal, happy, healthy 5 year old.
I recently got remarried and my difficult child started Kindergarten last month. ODD is now slowly rearing its head again. We've got the classic stuff; going from happy to angry in a split second; vindictive behavior; threatening to hurt her sister or our pet; destroying items that belong to others; kicking, screaming, hitting, throwing...you name it. I've been doing a lot more reading lately and finally made a biological connection as well. After having RSV at 6 weeks old, she had used Albuterol and Flovent inhalers for 2 to 3 years; right at the time her behavior started turning bad. Thankfully, she doesn't need them anymore. I can't continue to think that the ODD is gone completely; it is something that we have to manage together. I know that I am just a newbie here, but I wanted to share some of my most valuable tools (for young children):
Re-Direction
This was the first tool I tried to use when my difficult child was about 3 1/2. I half heartedly tried it; it couldn't possibly work. We had just come home from somewhere, I unbuckled her carseat. She didn't want to get out. Started kicking the seat in front of her; short, sharp bursts of "No! No!". It was the beginning of the behaviour bell curve. Ok, I'll try it. "Hey, do you think you can go all the way to the living room on your tiptoes?". As if a switch had been turned, her face lit up and she said, "Yeah!". We both tip toed around the house for the next ten minutes. Of course, my jaw was dragging on the floor behind me the whole time.
You Are Your Child's Mirror
I know it's hard to stay calm in the middle of a hurricane, but you must. Pick your battles. Many aren't worth the fight.
example: Just this morning, I had just poured milk into my daughter's cereal bowl in the kitchen, told her to sit at the table and I would bring it to her. Ignoring me, she grabbed the cereal bowl, made her way to the table and spilled it all over the floor. She looked up at me; expecting me to get mad, which I unfortunately obliged. "I TOLD you I would bring it to you!". "Fine!", she screams. She goes into the living room and starts to threaten to break things. I immediately backtrack, get down on her level and tell her that accidents happen; even to grown ups. She saw that I was calm, and she started to calm down. No, this doesn't work everytime, but it's heaven when it does! At times like these I always tell her that I love her, even when I don't love her actions. If you have a child that has a history of abuse, tell them this everyday. Eventually, they may believe you.
Listen to your Child/Respect thier feelings
This one seems obvious, but I find that many times we assume that we know what's going through their mind and just go from there.
example: Last night, difficult child wanted to help with dinner. We were having Raviolis. I told her that she could put the tomato sauce in when the pasta was done cooking. Meltdown ensues. Kicking, screaming....I don't know if any of you have seen this in your child, but I swear my difficult child's pupils dialate to the size of quarters when she's like this. I was confused, where did this come from?! I asked her why she was so angry and she yelled back at me, "I don't WANT to put in the sauce!!!". My gut reaction was to say, "Fine, then don't."....but I didn't....instead I asked her why she didn't want to put the sauce in. Long pause. Finally she said, quietly and angrily, "Because it will take a long time". "And you don't want to wait that long?" I asked. She shook her head no. Again, I got down on her level and gave her her very own tool; redirection. I told her that waiting is hard; it's hard for everyone. The trick is to do something else while you wait. She and her sister and I played I Spy in the kitchen while the pasta cooked.
Thank you, everyone, in advance for being a support group for each other. I'm sure I'll spend many more hours reading endlessly on this forum