Now at 15 , he’s abusing weed, pills. Robs people, fights,runs away & recently put on probation.
Hi Helpless.
I understand the feelings which I struggle with too.
wish i had disciplined him better, listened to him more.
I wish I could remember where I read this (it was here, but which thread I don't remember) but the message fits. That mother said she blamed herself, too. But after being here on the forum and reading so many posts, she saw that other parents had done the things she faulted herself for not doing, and their kids had turned out with the same problems.
The thing is we search for answers and ending up blaming ourselves because many times there are no answers.
I think hope that it will get better is a good strategy and usually works, for some kids. How did we know it would not work for ours? In a million years I would not have believed our last decade would be has it has been. I fault myself in the same ways as you:
Why did I not assume my son would be disabled? Why did not I take for granted he would be mentally ill? Why did I not prepare him better to resist addiction? How could I have been so stupid as to believe he would go to college? Why did I presume he would work and assume responsibility? How could I have gone so wrong?
That said, there are some things you can do. Has he had any mental health symptoms or health issues, including add or adhd? (If you are here in the US you may be able to get him on special education which will offer some help and protections.) Now that he is involved with probation are there services that he is entitled too, including residential? Is there a Dad in the picture that may not be living with you, who can take control and responsibility? What about boy's ranches or out of home placements like Teen Challenge? This is a faith-based program where they live and they deal with boys and girls with issues just like your son's. At age 16 he can go to Job Corps, I believe, a free federal residential program where he can complete school and get a good trade. They have available good supervision, services for substance abuse, etc.
Your son needs to understand that you will seek out and follow through with every single option if he continues down this path, and will not tolerate his continuing to behave in this matter. I would try to figure out what my options are by speaking with his probation officer and come up with some options. I would commit myself to following through. If you are a single parent and you feel you cannot keep him safe, I would ask about out of home placement.
The thing is this: you will be held responsible for keeping him safe by the law and you may be held responsible on some level if you are unable to keep him from harming others. However unfair this is and however much he makes it impossible to contain him.
We do not have the luxury of criticizing ourselves about the past. The past is gone. There is right now that must be confronted. I have to make good choices now. To make good choices, I need to know my options, and be realistic about what is happening.
These are actions some parents have taken: taking away cell phones; putting deadbolts on the front door to lock them out of the house at specified hours; taking doors off rooms; searching their stuff.
This can turn into war. Sometimes it has to.
Other parents will come along soon who have experience in the very situation you are facing. With them you can think through what your priorities are and what you feel capable of. You can make a plan that makes sense.
Take care.