Now difficult child Won't See Me or Call Me

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jeppy, Nov 4, 2009.

  1. Jeppy

    Jeppy New Member

    He is in jail for 10 days for kicking me and otherwise not following home rules. PO told me he'd be calling me to ask that I post bail but he is too stubborn/proud. In a way I am not surprised because he has avoided talking to me for months - what would he say if he called or had a visit with me if he refuses to speak to me?

    Still it is sad that he is in custody with no contact with family. Extended family wishes to visit him but he has to earn that privilege and hasn't been held long enough yet to get to that point.

    I am not allowed to call him.

    Have any of you had your difficult children refuse contact with you when removed from the home? If so, did they come around eventually?
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2009
  2. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    (((HUGS)) It is sad that he's in jail with no contact from his family. But remember, he did this to himself, it's his fault, sad as it is. Believe me, he'll contact you, he'll want you to do stuff, buy him stuff, bail him out, or whatever it is. He kicked you and I know you love him, but don't bail him out. There are consequences for his actions. This is a good lesson he's learning right now, that his violence won't be tolerated and will send him to jail.

    I had a restraining order against my difficult child a few years ago. He was very violent, stole, beat up his brothers, broke things for fun...I could go on here, but when he graduated high school, and did nothing but continue this behavior, we had enough.

    difficult child kids learn there lesson the hard way, they have to experience first hand what they DON'T want their life to be like. Hopefully your son will wake up, see that jail stinks and won't want to go back.

    As for him kicking you, that has to be completely unacceptable. I know your "normal" is him acting like this,but no more. I know because that was my normal, too. He has to earn the things you give him, especially your respect and trust. Those are more difficult to come by.
  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't have any personal experience with a situation such as yours, but I do tend to agree with up. I venture a guess that once he thinks his point sinks in, or he needs something and gets loney, he'll reach out to someone.

  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Did he apologize profusely for kicking you? Is he blaming YOU because you gave him consequences for kicking you? How dare you call him out on it?

    As hard as it is, I'd wait it out. Let him come to you. I have personally decided never again to allow my kids to emotionally blackmail me, even if my Mommy heart wants to forgive ANYTHING and embrace my child. I decided that it's not a good thing for my child if I allow that sort of behavior.

    I know this is hard because I did throw my eighteen year old out of the house when she was taking drugs. However, she did talk to me three weeks later and we are very close now. (((Hugs))). These decisions we have to make are not easy and then, being Mom, we feel bad...I wish you a good, healing day and I hope he realizes how wrong he was to kick you.
  5. Jeppy

    Jeppy New Member

    Thank you for your replies.

    No, he didn't apologize to me at all and tried to minimize what he did though in court he described it as a "stupid mistake".

    I have never been away him for more than 24 hours before. It is so peaceful when I go home and I feel so relieved and then I feel guilty that I have a positive emotion based on my child being gone. Then I remind myself that psychiatrist told me his behaviors are not those of a normal child and that my feelings are valid and it doesn't mean I don't love him, just that I don't like what he's like now.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My kid has been in jail several times. Normally he does call with the begging calls to come get him. Those are really the hardest times.

    I only charged him one time though and it wasnt for a violent action. Cory stole from me and it was the final straw. I had to put my foot down. As much as it broke my heart to do it, I took out warrants which in the end left my son as a 3 time felon. It was the best thing that I did because it has turned his life around. He is not the out of control person he was when he stole from me. He has been locked up a few times since then and when that happens he calls but its not those desperate calls. He asks for us to come see him and for us to put money on his account but he doesnt blame us for his misdeeds. He understands where the responsibility lies, which is squarely on his shoulders. Not mine, not his dads, and not the cops....HIS!

    For us, jail has done what no amount of therapy ever did.
  7. horserider

    horserider New Member


    First off hugs to you during this difficult time, you are not alone here. I am in the same position with my difficult child, in a program at the jjc, and I know how stressful it is. I also feel you made the right decision, a hard lesson learned for our difficult child's but not bailing them out I feel falls under not enabling or saying it's okay for the abuse towards us to happen. Our difficult child's first violent episode charge landed him in jjc 24 hrs, 2nd charge 14 days, this time he was placed into a theraputic program (still at the jjc, but seperate from detention), where he earns his way out. Best case scenrio 8 months total. He has never refused contact with me, but I have not visited certain weeks when he is in denial, playing the blame game, or just being disrespectful during the previous visit. I play the tough love card consistently now, he does not like it, oh well. From this board I have learned to be stronger, and yet still be supportive, with statements like the one from Janet --"he understands where the repsonsibility lies, squarly on his shoulders" - it helps sooooo much. I am concerned that your difficult child has yet to show any remorse or apology. Can you ask for some kind of family therapy as part of his probation? After many short term hospitilizations, and one long term our difficult child never shown stability consistently (for more then 6 months). I think aftercare should be a consideration the courts should look at for your situation, sometimes 10 days in the jjc works for awhile, but I am concerned about repeated violence if he is not remorseful and "minimizing" the incident. If they have him "check in" with his po once a month, sometimes this is not enough for children like ours.

    your statement - "jail has done what no amount of therapy ever did" also gives me hope our difficult child will learn from this extended time in the jjc. It has been 3 yrs of stress, hospitilizations and in-home weekly therapy for a year. I already worry about his weekend visits home, when he earns them. (although I am no longer living at home-he will be with my husband, I will visit him there). As my difficult child stated in a letter "kids have no idea what it is really like in the jjc, until you have lived here for awhile" makes me sad, but I believe he is learning through all this. Just last Mond. visit he was arguing with me about what a strict mom I was, too tough on him when he was home, why did we not bail him out? (this time bail was denied). I advocated for him all his life and refuse to believe I was a terrible mom. I pray that this very diffiult time will end up in positive results, as it did with your difficult child. I'll never forget a message one of my favorite therapists my son had said to him, "if you cannot control yourself in life, there are people out there that will control you".

    Jeppy -Take some quiet time for yourself to recover a little, take care and keep us posted about how the transition home goes.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My son has now learned that he has to control himself or someone else will. He is very afraid of those who will now. He used to be completely unafraid of the law because they just slapped him on the wrist and sent him home and basically punished me for what he did. It never really got in his way for what he did. Sure they may have given him a fine but they never came after him for it.

    Guess what? Now they have. Now if he doesnt pay, he goes to jail! Oh boy was that an eye-opener for Say what? Momma...they took me to jail cause I didnt pay off my fines! Well son, they said they would! Duh...lmao. He had to cough up the money to get out of jail. Life lesson...court means what they say. Now he is very careful to pay his fines. Verrrrryyyyyy careful. He also has learned to walk away from situations where he would have been a hothead. Now he calls the cops and lets them handle situations instead of him. If someone threatens him...he calls the cops. Good boy. Now the cops are seeing him as someone who is starting to be on the right side of the law instead of always on the wrong.
  9. horserider

    horserider New Member

    Janet - Thank you, Thank you!!! Unfortunetly we will by paying until our grave for our difficult child's time in the jjc, huge bill. But at this point I don't worry about it. Kind of crazy how we tried to avoid calling 911 for many months because we knew our "punishment" as parents would be the $170 a day for care. But you do what you have to, it could not go on. The sad thing was he felt he was getting away with breaking the law.

    My difficult child will be 18 in just over a yr, then as your difficult child, HE would be responsible for paying if he faces court again (and the "big house" as his unit mates call it). I was curious, may I ask if Cory is currently, willingly on any medications or is he doing ok with-o?

    I try to explain to our difficult child this program with the intensive individual, group and family therapy at the jjc is not at all like what he would face in the adult jail. Cory being able to walk away from situations is a huge step in self control! Our son still has pretty severe impuse issues, if he can learn self control consistently it would be life changing for him. I will share your story with my husband tonight, I think it will give him hope also.

    Sorry for stealing your thread Jeppy

    Take care
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Cory isnt on medications and hasnt been for any length of time since he turned 18. They made him shake so badly that he just couldnt deal with it.

    I will be perfectly honest here and say he does smoke pot. I wish we lived in a state where he could get a medical marijuana prescription because it does seem to actually help him with his mood swings. He is completely anti any other drug including prescription drugs. Im not happy he smokes pot and I wont allow it at my house or around me but I say to each his own.
  11. Jeppy

    Jeppy New Member

    Oh, keep posting Horserider, you are not stealing the thread. It is good to hear from other parents who understand. There is no one in real life who I feel can relate to what I am going through.

    difficult child and I have been seeing a family counselor, though she is discouraged because while he attends he doesn't follow her suggestions.

    Still no word from him.