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Now he is really gone.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 678478" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you. Me too.</p><p>Me too. It is so hard, though. I do not have to tell you that. It is like playing a complex game with somebody who cheats. You have practiced. Gotten a coach to improve your game. You travel far. You do every single thing to prevail. Not win. Just dignity and love of sport. And they stomp on your foot and break it. (Like my son did to me. Not on purpose. So I could no longer dance tango. The thing I loved most in life, after him.)</p><p></p><p>Remember Tanya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan, the skaters at the Olympics. And what happened? That is what it is like to stay in the game with our adult kids. But we do it. Even after they have stomped on our foot. Do I sound bitter? I am not. It just hurts so bad. To hope and love, and to have no control.</p><p>Yes. Except in our case, we are re-thinking whether my son could ever really do it. That there may be barriers, and he may not be fully functional. So this makes our responsibility <em>greater</em> in both teaching him and requiring that he step up.</p><p>No. I mean, yes, I understand and I agree. But no. They do not accept a hand without forcing you to lament having offered it. Because a hand to them, means your two feet too, and while you're at it, how about the other hand...</p><p>The agency they see to improve their own lives, is our agency, or that of some other surrogate, or series of surrogates that stand in for us. </p><p></p><p>It is always back to this. Our responsibility and their own. Our responsibility to back out as change agents...to the extent that we can. </p><p></p><p>So that they can discover their own agency. To the extent that they are able.</p><p></p><p>I will explain myself lest you think I am becoming fuzzy here. Families throughout the ages have been inter-dependent. M for example constructed or bought 3 of 9 of his children houses, before he came to the US. If his means and circumstances had permitted he would have done so for all of the other kids who wanted. </p><p></p><p>M's kids are all good kids. But I believe he feels they always had their hands out. For the longest time, he believed what they missed, was the money and the stuff, he worked so hard to get. He feared it was not him, they valued, but what he gave.</p><p></p><p>So what I am saying here is that it is not that we cannot help or should not help. It is that we should not help in the way that we were doing before. *When I figure this out, I will let you all know. </p><p></p><p>Because what if my son is impaired in such a way that he really cannot do it? And all along, Serenity was right. </p><p></p><p>That he is different from most of the kids here. Evidently, the government thinks so. Or he would not have gotten the SSI.</p><p></p><p>Maybe most of the changing, if not all, has to come from me. (Again, when I figure out how to do it, I will let you know.)</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 678478, member: 18958"] Thank you. Me too. Me too. It is so hard, though. I do not have to tell you that. It is like playing a complex game with somebody who cheats. You have practiced. Gotten a coach to improve your game. You travel far. You do every single thing to prevail. Not win. Just dignity and love of sport. And they stomp on your foot and break it. (Like my son did to me. Not on purpose. So I could no longer dance tango. The thing I loved most in life, after him.) Remember Tanya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan, the skaters at the Olympics. And what happened? That is what it is like to stay in the game with our adult kids. But we do it. Even after they have stomped on our foot. Do I sound bitter? I am not. It just hurts so bad. To hope and love, and to have no control. Yes. Except in our case, we are re-thinking whether my son could ever really do it. That there may be barriers, and he may not be fully functional. So this makes our responsibility [I]greater[/I] in both teaching him and requiring that he step up. No. I mean, yes, I understand and I agree. But no. They do not accept a hand without forcing you to lament having offered it. Because a hand to them, means your two feet too, and while you're at it, how about the other hand... The agency they see to improve their own lives, is our agency, or that of some other surrogate, or series of surrogates that stand in for us. It is always back to this. Our responsibility and their own. Our responsibility to back out as change agents...to the extent that we can. So that they can discover their own agency. To the extent that they are able. I will explain myself lest you think I am becoming fuzzy here. Families throughout the ages have been inter-dependent. M for example constructed or bought 3 of 9 of his children houses, before he came to the US. If his means and circumstances had permitted he would have done so for all of the other kids who wanted. M's kids are all good kids. But I believe he feels they always had their hands out. For the longest time, he believed what they missed, was the money and the stuff, he worked so hard to get. He feared it was not him, they valued, but what he gave. So what I am saying here is that it is not that we cannot help or should not help. It is that we should not help in the way that we were doing before. *When I figure this out, I will let you all know. Because what if my son is impaired in such a way that he really cannot do it? And all along, Serenity was right. That he is different from most of the kids here. Evidently, the government thinks so. Or he would not have gotten the SSI. Maybe most of the changing, if not all, has to come from me. (Again, when I figure out how to do it, I will let you know.) COPA [/QUOTE]
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