Now I know...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AmericanGirl, Jun 28, 2012.

  1. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Sober house called this morning to verify the note from me saying difficult child was with me at court Tuesday was legit. He mentioned that they had an issue last week with difficult child. I asked him to explain.

    It seems after the court date about a week ago that difficult child went and got a new tattoo. That's against their rules. Plus I warned him against doing this. His position is that he is working and should be able to spend as he pleases. Mine is that he is not supporting himself and that he owes me a boatload of cash.

    difficult child told someone at sober house. They thankfully told management. difficult child bought himself a discipline contract for 30 days - 9:30 curfew, extra rules, etc.

    I was so mad I could hardly breathe. It took me several hours to get to the point I could call him. His reasoning? "I just had a birthday and I wanted to mark the occasion....besides, you didn't get me anything." HUH?!? He has been draining me dry for months.

    He actually ended up getting this tattoo on MY birthday - instead of going to dinner with me as we had planned. He didn't even give me a card. I'm the type that a nice note inside a cheap card and I'm a happy girl.

    He has been told that any more tattoos, etc. until after he is 100% fully supporting himself and my financial support of him is done. He also is responsible for repaying me another $100 (the cost of the tattoo).

    To top it all off....he accused me of wanting to keep him in the sober house because I was concerned about my image with my friends. He let me know a long time ago that he didn't want anyone to know about him issues. I never commented. I have told all my close friends. I need their support. If he was so worried about his image he should have changed his way a long time ago.

    I'm so so so tired of this.....anyone want to run away from home with me?
  2. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member


    He has so many issues that he doesn't want to deal with, it's just easier to lay the blame on someone else's door...of course, yours is most convenient. Our psychiatrist calls that behavior "spinning." He knows deep down it's baloney, so you don't even have to dignify it with a response. <<<HUGS>>>
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I swear our difficult child's have a manual they read and follow on how to do this. My difficult child got another tatoo while she was int he sober house too. And we were paying her rent there and giving her a small amount of spending money. Her excuse was that it only cost $40. I don't care of it was a penny. The point was she violated the rules and instead of putting her efforts into recovery she was out getting another tatoo. I was livid. She too owed us a lot of money for court fines and school expenses and treatment center expenses andd this was what she did with the money we gave her.

    We also got a call from the sober house when we were on our 13 hour drive for vacation asking us if we spent the day with difficult child the day before at the baseball game. Uh no we were not even in that state yesterday. So she got restricted and lost privileges and two weeks later she walked out of there.

    That told me that she was not serious about recovery. She was not doing the work she needed to be doing to stay sober. The other women in there were working the steps and calling their sponsors and actively working recovery and difficult child was trying to figure out how she could get her next tatoo or have a day with some guy in the sun under the guise that she was with us. We found out two months later that she was pregnant. Must have been a really productive day. I should have known at the time that she was not ready to be sober and that she was just going through the motions.

    I hope this was just a temporary misjudgement call on your difficult child's part. But I think you also have to be prepared for more of this because our difficult child's seem to have to push the envelope and back themselevs into a corner just to prove they are in charge. I also think that our difficult child's are addicted to more than just alcohol or drugs and so when they cant get that they go to whatever else is out there. I read that tatoos can be very addicting, they get the rush of drugs from the sensation of getting the tatoo. My difficult child will probably be covered in tatoos at some point.

  4. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Nancy, I'm sorry you know how this feels.

    I saw something difficult child wrote - I forget the exact wording but I concluded that a tattoo was similar to cutting - that the pain and blood was some type of sick release.

    I checked his phone records. He is calling his sponsor at least once a day so that's something to be thankful for. Yes - control is his big issue. Problem is - I don't see how you get control, even of your own life, without focus and hard work.

    Just when you think things are improving, they do something stupid again.

    I'm so grateful to be able to vent here. I cannot bring myself to talk to any family about this anymore. They are all so negative about difficult child - I hang up and feel like I've been beaten up. Just cannot do it anymore.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have heard also the thing about tatoos and the pain and blood making them feel alive. It's good he's calling his sponsor. I stopped talking to my family and friends about it all too. It came between us somewhat in that I didn't feel the support from family that I hoped but they are all sick of her and they don't have the unconditional love for her that obviously we do. This place and my support group are the only places that really understand.

  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    AG, my difficult child is the same. She gets mad that we tell friends and family about her antics. I told her that I was not going to hide the things she does and if she is embarrassed about them she can just stop doing them.

    I hate tattoos but I understand that they seem to have become socially acceptable. Ironically, in my family, easy child has the tattoos and difficult child doesn't have any. How did that happen? LOL

    At least easy child was smart enough to get them in places that don't show when she is wearing business clothes.

  7. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    AG, I get it too. I didn't post it here, but difficult child got a tatoo about a month ago on the base of her neck that say LOYALTY! Loyalty to what? Your rabid way of life? Loyalty to making your family trauma ridden? She's 17-who the he%% gave it too her without my permission? At the time, I was so stressed and not feeling well that I just could not say anything. difficult child owes her brother for the car she stold and totalled, us for gas money getting her to work and at least $200 bucks she has just taken over the last 10 months! She was paying her brother when she worked-but not a dime to us. What did she buy? A tattoo, pot, food and going with her friends to movies and such (she often paid for their broke behinds) No clothes, used all her savings,didn't buy the makeup she so badly "has" to have. Too bad-I won't buy it.

    They are bent towards aimless lives and perpetual childhood. I think its deeeper than addiction (is that even possible?). Its so entitled and driven, no matter the cost. And they never find happiness in all this and can't seem to connect the dots towards their own behaviors. It has to be the fault of God, Karma, luck, a crappy society, and most of all their parents!

    And yes, it stinks to have to bear their burdon and then get ripped apart by family and/or friends who are clueless and judgemental. At FA, there isn't one of us who hasn't lost friends and family to these seemingly unsolvable problems that hurt so badly.

    Yes, I want to run away. Why not? difficult child does?
  8. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest least I know that my difficult child is normal in his insane behavior.

    I didn't ask what it was. Last I heard, he wanted the Serenity Prayer plus a very long quote by Marianne Williamson. The boy is turning his body into a bulletin board.

    Sorry it seems we all are in the same boat!
  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    AG... The wisdom to know the difference. Hmm. Like, hello, the wisdom to know that spending the money on the tat was STUPID?! Against the RULES? Argh.

    I have 3 tattoos. All 3 are coverable with reasonable clothing. I wish in retrospect I'd put two of them elsewhere. And the third isn't exactly what I wanted. Piercings, at least, can close up.

    Onyxx is actively blowing off her recovery. She's honeymooning, of course - still on probation, so she is being good, which is no surprise to me. Since her drug & alcohol counselor holds the reins - not until SHE says Onyxx is done with counseling, are her probation qualifications filled - and counselor thinks she's ready to relapse at any moment... Kid's gonna be 18 by the time that happens.

    The thing is... Our kids... They don't absorb life's lessons like we do. And people do what they want because they're "so nice, and sweet..."

    husband said it perfectly last night. Onyxx could snow a blizzard.
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    AG at one point difficult child was going to get her sobriety date tatood on her arm. Have to laugh because her entire arm would be covered with dates crossed out and new ones added and finally the last one crossed out and no new date.

    She had a lightning bolt tatood on her neck when she got out of treatment. Her girlfriend in there had one so she wanted one. She didn't even bother to find out that it's a white supremacy symbol.

    And yes she got several before she was 18. If I knew who did it I would have called the police on them. She will never be taken seriously with all her tatoos.

  11. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    I know visible tattoos lower your chances of employment. You know that. difficult children? Nahhhh

    If I knew who gave them to her, I'd drive you over there and keep the car running for you. :)

    My al-anon sponsor is wonderful. He said I should think of that tattoo very time I am tempted to start trusting difficult child least for a long, long time.

    His suggestion for next time difficult child starts with the addict-talk and trying to talk me into something. "That is the disease talking, not you. I am not going to be controlled by your disease. The answer is no. Call me back later."
  12. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    My difficult child got a tatoo while underage and hid it from us for quite awhile. At first I wanted to ask what in the world was he thinking but then I just calmly said, I was disappointed but not mad. He was dumfounded by my response. That was about 4 years ago and for the past 3 years he keeps saying it was a dumb thing to do & wish he hadn't gotten it. I'm sure if I had responded the way I originally was going to, he would be happy with his tatoo because he defied me.

    I don't talk to friends and family about difficult child anymore. They don't understand what we go through, how we feel. I find coming here is the best comfort and support because we share almost the same experiences.
  13. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Wow, my difficult child seems to do at least one thing in life as should be expected. Yeah, he wants a tat too. While having a tat starts to be more common than not having one among twenty somethings around here, I still hope me difficult child doesn't get to actually having one (now.) Okay, he does support himself, he is an adult, he is not under any rules that would forbid tats, they are really common in his peer group, he would pay it himself etc. but still I cringe. Not so much for the tat. Tats can be absolutely cool and I completely understand why many carry their own with pride. But knowing my difficult child; whatever he will choose, is likely to be either stupid, tasteless, idiotic, totally lame, immature or inappropriate. And he will hate it or be ashamed of it in five years. He has been talking about it some time now. Luckily his coach forbid him taking one before his summer holiday. You are supposed to avoid excess sweating with the new tat and difficult child had his heavy fitness period right before his holiday started so no avoiding sweating. He could take one now, but luckily he is almost out of money right now, so hopefully he feels he can't afford one (and he is certainly not getting a tat as birthday present from us, even if he asks that.)

    Well, I'm bracing myself for him coming home with word idiot tattooed to his forehead or something. :slap:

    Hopefully the tattoo removal techniques develop some more in near future...

    For me the maybe biggest reason to register to this board was an opportunity to talk someone (except my husband) about difficult child's problems. I do worry about his privacy quite a lot for many reasons. And while extended family is mostly sympathetic (excluding my mother in law), I don't feel comfortable talking to them much about difficult child's issues.
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2012
  14. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    difficult child was let go this morning. His paycheck for the last two weeks? $83.

    I'm happy because he was driving 19 miles one way to a minimum wage job where he didn't get many hours. This will force him to find something closer and better. You gotta work 25+ hours a week, go to school or do volunteer work to stay in the sober house.

    He's not happy about it. Well, growth is messy.

    The downside is he will be calling me more often to try to butter me up for cash. At least I realize that which is progress for me.

    P.S. I bet soon he might wish he had that $100 back from the latest tattoo.
  15. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Why was he let go AG? This sounds so much like my difficult child. I got so frustrated because she spent every penny she made and never saved anything and then got fired from every job she had and was literally broke within a week.

  16. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    He said the manager sat him down and said he was going to let him go...that he didn't need as many workers. Funny but a few weeks ago (right after getting the job), difficult child said the manager was going to promote him to shift manager when the new store opened. Then shortly after that, difficult child said he was working really hard because they were letting a lot of people go. Uh huh....

    I'll bet you this happened before today and difficult child is just now telling me. He didn't work more than 12 hours or so in the last two weeks.

    He had better go finalize the application for food stamps that I submitted about 7 weeks ago. The office is literally FOUR blocks away.

    He's also sick (to top it all off). He supposedly saw the doctor today. However, I emailed him an authorization letter for the insurance (he didn't have a card) and he hasn't opened the email but likely saw one at a cheap clinic nearby.

    I feel a rumbling in the distance....trying to ignore it and go on with my life. What else can you do?
  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh boy! When my difficult child was let go she had just told us a couple weeks before that they loved her and she was going to get a raise and they were going to train her for a higher position. So how did it go downhill so fast? This has happened several times. She either is totally oblivious to the real story or she just plain lies. I see the signs now everytime she starts a new job. It starts out great, she loves everyone and everyone loves her, and then it turns sour. She starts to show her true colors and they no longer think she's great.

    I had to send difficult child the online application to apply for food stamps and I have no idea if she ever did it. She did finally get rated for a $10 co-pay from our public hospital since her health insurance was discontinued. They have no idea what the impact is when they gwt let go.

    I hope he finds a job closer to his house and that learns what he has to do to keep it.

  18. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Why is it that despite hours of discussion, sharing and education that they don't have a clue? I know mine is an eternal optimist as well. There is a disconnect someplace....or

    As Bill Cosby says, "Brain damage."
  19. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Same story different difficult child in this corner!
  20. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    difficult child has five. Three are very visible, even with reasonable clothing. She got them all during times when she was in debt iwth her student loans, to the bank for overdrafts, her dad for her car ... the library even turned her over to a collection agency! Yet, she gets tattoos. On top of everything, these are really ugly and stuipd tattoos. One of them is an icon for a video game her ex boyfriend, aka The Doofus, favored. She looks like a danged ransom note!

    I say nothing about them, however, I'd be furious if she got one in the manner that AG's and Nancy's did. Ugh.