Now I'm just gonna cry.

[Shari]

Got home from camping.

I took off Friday to talk to the ex-in-laws about the newly scheduled neuropsyche (hopefully they'd help pay since its out of pocket), and visit with therapist and the pharmacist about direction, PLUS get ready to go camping since the only thing ready to go was the physical camper that doesn't leak anymore...no food or anything.

Went, had a good time, home, tired.

We have easy child 2 this weekend. She asked me to take them to the indoor pool, I said I'd love to but can't, gotta get clothes washed for work. Half hour later, walked by husband sitting on the computer, and told him she'd asked, and what does he say "I'll take 'em".

He's tired, he's short with difficult child, he's grumpy, so I ask him if he's really up to it and you know what he says "She wants to go and I haven't spent time with HER this weekend." I have asked and begged and pleaded with him to take those kids to do something 1000 times if ever, and he has NEVER bothered. "Its not his thing" he says. But easy child 2 asks and he's gone.

Nails won't even cover what I want to spit right now. I have worked so hard to not have a divide in my family and my inlaws, and often my H. create a gap as big as the friggin' continental divide.

 

[meowbunny]

Give him some credit -- he didn't say he would just take her but all of them. I think it's hard when some kids live with the parents and some don't. You love the kids but you treasure the one you don't see as often. You can't help it.

In many ways I think your husband is anything but a "dear" from things you've said previously. In this case, though, I can't entirely blame him and actually give him some credit for realizing he spent no time with easy child 2 or the kids.

Enjoy the time without the kids and husband around. Sometimes even 10 minutes of peace and quiet is better than 8 hours of sleep. Who knows, maybe one day husband will "get it" and do things for the right reasons?

 

[Shari]

Oh, he called her in alone and asked her if she wanted to go swimming. I guess I typed wrong, cause he initally said he'd take "her", not "them". About 10 minutes after she starts getting ready did he ask wee difficult child. And he wouldn't have left wee difficult child, I don't think, but still.

I want him to do these things, I want him to be a part, I want him to help out and this is, but knowing he wouldn't have done it if I had asked or wee difficult child had asked just burns me. I'm so sick of being second rate.

And you're right, bunny, I know its hard when you don't have one child all the time. I try to allow extra patience for that and for easy child 2, as well, because she is starved for attention and acts like an 11 year old going on a 7 year old, but again, when you're the one who's second rate picking up the pieces from all these people who just walk on you, well....I'm tired of it.

She was here 2 weeks ago and got out not one,but TWO tents complete with pillows and blankets and dolls and toys in each. After she went back to her mom's, husband picked up her stuff, then got wee difficult child OUT OF BED to pick up what he had left out, which was his Lego's. That was the day he drove the team while easy child 1 and i sealed the camper.

PS - the camping trip we just got back from...we met 5 other friends with kids easy child's and difficult child's age and took the kids to a HUGE st patrick's day parade. Granted time was shared with the other peoples' kids, but I know I spent a lot of time with easy child and difficult child this weekend...the whole dang weekend was basically for THEM, anyway. (yes, we enjoy it, too, but we wouldn't be going to a giant st patty parade without kids)

And I feel bad for being angry, cause I did get what I wanted...he took the kids and I'm here alone and can get A LOT done while they're gone... but on the same note, I didn't get anything. He wouldn't have taken them if anyone but easy child had asked...

 

[meowbunny]

As I said, I wouldn't call your husband a dear but sometimes you're stuck trying to find the good. Well, I'm not but you are -- you have to live with the man.

I am sorry he's behaving so badly. I can't remember if you've ever told him you feel like you're second rate in his eyes. I can't imagine anyone being told that bit of news and not trying to change something unless they either feel someone is second rate or they are so beaten down they just can't.

I guess the best I can offer is a lot of hugs, so

(((((((((((((((SHARI)))))))))))))))

 

[TerryJ2]

been there done that. Everyone around me notices and I am encouraging them to be vocal and verbal with-him, because he won't listen to me. I don't want to be sour grapes ... I love that he spends time with-her but it gets ridiculous. Sometimes it's just the little things, like we went to the kids' school fundraiser last night and the take-home gifts were coffee mugs. So he decides to keep his in the box and give it to her. I bugged the heck out of him ... why not me? Why not difficult child? Why not keep it for yourself? He had a logical answer for everything, which is even more aggravating, because then you can't put your finger on just why it's so enraging.

Be strong. And try to rein in the criticism. It will only make it worse.

 

[Star*]

What did you ever see in him in the first place?

 

[DDD]

It is frustrating when you try to be the Partridge Family and it just doesn't work. I think it is because the former spouses were "gone".

Do your best and don't let it get to you. The example you are setting will have lifelong effects.
been there done that. Don't envy you. Hugs. DDD

 

[Shari]

Terry, DDD - thanks. I really just needed to get it out. The bulk of the hissy fit is over, tho we WILL be speaking tonight. And he will be speaking BACK to me if I have anything to do with it. (He's a good listener, not so good at trouble shooting and reciprocating conversations...).

DDD, you're right about the partidge family. I could deal a lot better with this if I didn't see the next generation of his mother and his ex in his daughter and worry about it rubbing off on difficult child (it already has to some extent) and spending therest of my life being second rate citizen status. And he does, too, her behaviors upset him, too; neither his parents nor his ex have any friends for much of the reasons his daughter doesn't... And I worked so hard to make the inhabitants of this house all members of the same family because of difficult child 1...techincally he "didn't belong", but I never wanted him to feel that way (and succeeded, but he feels sharply judged by husband's mother...and I think he's right).

Star, husband and I were great friends for years. Nothing more, just friends. We never have time to be just friends anymore. Heck, at this point, I'm not even sure I like him much. (like the difficult child's, I love him, but I sure don't like him right now!)

 

[Hound dog]

Shari

Have you tried that easy child 2 live under the same rules as the other kids? Why on earth was husband picking up her toys? I'd act like a 7 yr old too if it got dear daddy to clean up after me.

Sorry. My husband was similar and it drove me nuts.

So it didn't take me long to start stepgfg having to follow house rules and have chores during her stays with us. Didn't matter how long she stayed or how long it had been since the last time we'd seen her.

This was to help stepgfg feel like a part of the family and to remind her she wasn't on a major vacation with us as the entertainment. It was to also force down husband's throat that step difficult child wasn't on vacation she was spending time with her FAMILY.

It truely let us be a family for many many years.

My husband doesn't even seem to like his kids much unless he can't seen them for some reason. *sigh* Then suddenly they're important to him.

((((hugs)))))

 

[witzend]

I also wonder why my husband is satisfied with continually growing apart. It's the little things that kill a marriage. The little bits of love that he ignores and throws away.

 

[Shari]

Susie, I tried to make easy child 2 have some chores and follow same rules, etc. I generally make her pick up toys before she leaves from the weekend or whatever. (the weekend that husband picked up was an exception) but husband is never the one enforcing it. easy child and I have always got along, but she's protective of and by dad (she'll still go crying to him and crawl on his lap if she's in trouble with me). I am the one who takes them on outings, but she'll write thank you cards and give them to dad thanking him for taking her. (and I'm not sure what to make of that, either, if that's a difficult child kinda trait or just her wishful thinking that dad did this stuff with her...). I was having to get onto her pretty hard to follow the same basic rules, and it was just making the disconnect with me bigger. I asked husband to do it, but he forgets or doesn't pay attention or whatever, and then she sees the split between us, and works that to the hilt, so I just dropped it with her. husband supposedly started having her water livestock when she's here on Wed but she did it the first Wed and hasn't since.

When I've tried to talk to husband, he has started in on the older boys,or even wee difficult child, saying they don't do enuf. One of the things I bring up to husband when he starts that is to remind him that his daughter is nearly the same age as difficult child 1 was when husband came into the picture, and she does FAR LESS than difficult child 1 EVER did. difficult child 1 at least emptied the dishwasher every single day. I think easy child 2 has done that one time, and that was once when husband was helping, too (if he has to help, he'll make anyone sitting in this house help, too). When easy child 2 and difficult child 2 shared a room, it was always a pigstye and he (and easy child 2) blamed it on difficult child. Now that they don't share a room, wee difficult child's room will have a couple toys on the floor and he usually leaves his clothes on the floor unless I remind him to pick them up, but he keeps his toys mostly sorted on the shelves (they have see-thru boxes for all their toys). The lego box has only legos in it, the lincoln logs are only lincoln logs, the hotwheels box has only cars, etc. easy child's stuff is everywhere. She's got clothes on her shelves and toys in her dresser, parts to games are in 3 or 4 different boxes, she got a tye dye kit for Christmas and ripped it out of the box and took part of it to school, never to return. Some of the bottles are under her bed, some are in her drawers. Her room at her mom's is the same way, as are the rules, I think. Anyway, long story short, husband picks up and puts away 2 tents and their contents instead of making her, and then makes difficult child get out of bed to pick up his 20 legos he left on the floor cause "he needs to do his share!"
Anyway, I seem to have jumped off on an only slightly relevent tangent...sorry. Its just so frustrating. I told my sister in law simply tat husband took them swimming and she said "How'd that happen? Did princess ask?" Well, as a matter of fact, sister in law, that's exactly what happened.
Witz, I'm sorry you're experiencing this, too...so sorry. It stinks.

 

[susiestar]

I think maybe you need a 2 by 4 to get his attention. Joking, but something really big is going to have to happen. She will be there for a lot more years. maybe counselling, for you or both of you. You said you feel walked on. Only one way to stop that. And it is hard.

Sending hugs.

Susie

ps. Take pictures of what her shelf looks like, what each drawer looks like, then do the same for wee difficult child. Remind your husband that wee is HALF her age. Ask him to LOOK at the pics (print them 8 by 10 ifyou have too) and tell you the difference.

Jsut a thought.

 

[Shari]

I like the 2x4 idea, I think I'll try it! j/k But you're right, its probably going to take something big cause right now, he's knows somethings wrong but so far he's not motivated to change it. I think you all are right and probably depression is a large part of it, but kinda like dealing with difficult child's - it doesn't mean I'm just lay down and take it. Its gonna come to a choice at some point, and I don't want it to be MINE. I can put up with a lot, but he's teaching wee difficult child that this is an ok way to treat a wife, and that doesn't fly.

You know what, pictures ARE a good idea. For him AND his mom.

easy child's not bad, she's just working the system. And its not really her fault, but husband has got to see how he's contributing to this. And his mother. grrr.

Thanks.

I got my kitchen cleaned. I mean, really cleaned. I think I'll go bask in the cleanliness as I'm sure it will be gone tomorrow. easy child 1's girlfriend is on spring break this week, as is wee difficult child, so she's going to babysit. She just called and asked to take him to my mom's for a couple days. Mom's watching his cousin, so they'll have a ball and I'll have a couple of quiet evenings. That won't hurt anything.

 

[witzend]

Thanks, Shari. husband and I are to go on our annual two weeks vacation next week. I can't figure out why a man would want to go out of town for two weeks with an unhappy wife. The story of it doesn't really matter, other than to say it's more of the same small dissappointment/promise breaking that nibbles away at us.

We have a therapy session three days before we leave, but we've been in therapy for 2 - 3 years now. I'm not terribly optimistic that anything drastic is going to happen.

 

[flutterbee]

This may be really lame, but I thought I'd pass it along anyway.

First of all, you have so much on your plate. I have no idea how you manage to do all that you do. From what I've read, you carry about 98% of all household (parenting, cleaning, cooking, repairs, animal care, etc) responsibilities. I would have been angry and ready to cry ages ago. So, right there you're a better woman than I.

I kind of set myself up for my house running the way it does - or did. My kids didn't really have any set chores, but I did expect them to help out when I asked. But when I got overwhelmed or too ill to keep up, things went to hell in a handbasket pdq. I was angry because the house was always a disaster and easy child was angry for the same reason plus he was angry because I wasn't keeping up with it. difficult child couldn't have cared less. Ever see that show, "How Clean is Your House?" I so see difficult child on that show in about 10 years.

Anyway...

I found that really making it a team or family thing made a big difference. I think you posted that you had put up a list of things that needed to be done. It doesn't seem to be working out so well? I'm not sure. But, when I ask my kids to do something it might or might not get done, but it definitely won't get done anytime soon.

So, when I'm feeling well enough to take on the house (you could designate a time or something) I gather the kids and tell them we're cleaning. I assign jobs to each kid and myself and we do them at the same time. It feels like everyone is working together and it seems to work really well for us. I have no trouble getting them motivated because everyone is doing something. Whereas, if I just ask one of the kids to vacuum out of the blue, I will be repeating the request multiple times.

I would be sure to do this, as well, when easy child 2 is over. I would also put her things that are in her room into a box. Anything that she can name in the box (without peeking) she gets to keep. Otherwise, she doesn't need it. It would go to Goodwill. If she can't take care of it, she doesn't need it. difficult child really didn't like that one. But she started to keep better care of her things after that. It wasn't a cure; she's still a work in progress. But it's been much better.

If you're going to be carrying the bulk of the responsibility, it's time to delegate. To husband as well. He doesn't seem to be able to pick and choose the appropriate task. So, prioritize them for him. Include on that list that he is in charge of keeping easy child 2 on task when it comes to her chores and responsibilities.

I do think you need to have an honest discussion with him. But sometimes I think some people just need it spelled out.

Hope this makes sense. I'm still a bit muddled.

Oh. And I LOVE the picture idea. Men are very visual.

 

[Shari]

Witz - I wouldn't understand, either, but I still hope you mamage to have a good time.

Wynter - we do the groupie cleaning thing, probably just not often enough. But I love the box idea. That girl will dig stuff out of the garbage can and keep it (seriously). difficult child will find a mcdonald's toy that's hers (or something equally as valuable) under the car seat that's been there who knows how long, and she'll come unglued "THAT'S MINE!" and throw a fit til she gets it back. Where as if it had been ME that finds it, its pitched. She's never asked about anything that's disappeared into the great land fill beyond. But that's the way she operates and husband (and especially his mom) cater to that, too.

But I LIKE the box idea. A lot.

 

[witzend]

WG posted

So, when I'm feeling well enough to take on the house (you could designate a time or something) I gather the kids and tell them we're cleaning...

I had to give a (wry) laugh at that. I remember those talks. I'd give them a job. (By them I mean husband or the kids) Say, clean the kitchen. They would pick up the dirty dishes and put them in the dishwasher, leaving pots and pans and bowls out and dirty. Then they'd go back to the computer. I'd be making my trips back and forth doing laundry, changing sheets, cleaning the bedroom, and see the kitchen, and about the third time I'd realize that they thought they were done. I'd say "M (or husband or L) come here." There'd be a big sigh and they'd come eventually. I'd say "I told you to clean up the kitchen, not to put dishes in the dishwasher. Do the pots and pans." This would take another 20 - 30 minutes, and then an hour or so later, I'd realize there was no one in the kitchen, and I'd have gone to wash the towels in there and see crud all over the counters. "Come here." Big sigh. In they come. "Wipe off the counters, and when you are done with that, don't go back into the computer room." Stand and wait. "Now, take out the trash, and then come back to me right here." Stand and wait. "Now sweep the floor, and after you put the broom away come back to me right here." Stand and wait. "Now get the mop and floor cleaner and mop the floor and when you are done come back to me right here." Stand and wait. "Now rinse out the mop and put it away and come back to me right here." On and on and on. It didn't matter if we had this conversation once a week or once a year it was always the same. It didn't matter whether it was the kitchen or their bedroom or the living room or their car, it was always the same.

The sad thing is, this is exactly how I spent the last two weekends with husband. He's a sweet man, but I will never understand how he thinks I am going to be madly in love with him when every free moment is spent like that.

 

[Shari]

Witz, you and I must be married to the same man!

I cleaned the kitchen last night. I mean CLEANED it. It was so gross. Anyway, I took stuff off the fridge, walls, shelves, washed the walls, etc. It is sparkling. It took me 3 hours. husband folded part of 4 loads of laundry. I still spent 40 minutes or so when I was done with the kitchen folding and putting away clothes that he hadn't gotten to. Now granted, I do it more, so I am faster, but really...in 3 hours, you can't fold 4 loads of laundry? Ooohh, that's not really it, it was the TV that was on that kept distracting him, I bet... grrrrr.

Wee difficult child even came bopping along while I cleaned the ktichen and asked to help and he scrubbed the lower cabinets. And he's FIVE!

 

[flutterbee]

Witz - I learned long ago that 'clean the kitchen' was way too vague for difficult child. Instead, I tell her to load the dishwasher then come check with me. Then I tell her the next task. She's to the age now that I can write out what 'clean the kitchen' means and she'll check things off as she does them. She couldn't do it without the list, though. At least with having her come check with me, I'm not following her around and interrupting what I'm doing. It also cut down on my frustration - hers as well.

Another idea that we've used is to put a chores on a slip of paper and have a drawing. Set a time for 5 or 10 minutes. Everyone draws a chore and works on it until the timer goes off. If the chore is completed when the timer goes off, the slip of paper is thrown away. Otherwise, it is recycled into the drawing and we all draw again. It makes it more like a game and no one is stuck doing any one task for too long.

And while that's great for kids, I really have no good advice on how to motivate husband. I quit doing for mine when I was married. For example, if his clothes weren't in the hamper, they didn't get washed (on the floor in front of the hamper didn't count as 'in' the hamper, either). Instead of him getting his clothes into the hamper, he just started doing his own laundry. I didn't mind having less laundry to do, but it didn't solve the initial problem which was the laundry strewn around the house either. He didn't care how it affected me...how hard I worked to keep the house up and he'd destroy it in an hour. Literally. There were a host of other issues with him, but even if there hadn't been that issue alone would have eventually pushed me to divorce.

 

[witzend]

Heather, is clean the kitchen too detailed for your husband?

How about "Please sweep and mop the kitchen floor." Do you have to tell him each time to use the broom to sweep and the mop to mop? The man got a free ride at Princeton for crying out loud!



I surrender! (Unfortunately, most of the time, I do surrender.)