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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 50844" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>I guess it depends on what you mean by "get over it". I have to admit (guiltily) that since he's been in this Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement, I don't really miss thank you; by that, I mean I'm not pining away and am certainly no longer falling into that "when he comes home, we'll..." fantasy. Heaven knows, I don't miss the violence, the mouth, the over the top tension that was our lives when he lived here. I don't miss the pcs fear of their brother. First 2 RTCs, I visited at least every other weekend, at *least*. Now, my willingness to schlep 1.5-2 hours up there to "visit" is much less and I often just stay home while while husband goes up there either alone or with- the rest of the kids.</p><p></p><p>I love thank you with my heart and soul, still melt when I see the face of my son. But I'm just not willing to continue to schedule my life, and my family's life, around his visits. We've been doing this too doggone long.</p><p></p><p>Maybe I'm selfish. Well, ok, truth time - I *am* selfish. I've gotten to the point where I want something in return, which really isn't a terribly motherly emotion but... there it is. I resent his "gimme, gimme, gimme" attitude, I resent being a wallet and a diversion. I resent that after 7 years of blood, sweat, and tears, it's pretty clear that he will not be returning home and *he's* really not terribly concerned about it. It's all about him except when his circumstances are the fault of everyone *but* him.</p><p></p><p>in my humble opinion, Linda, I think our minds/hearts evolve as time goes by and our kids get older and are still out of the home. As our expectations of them must change with age, as we *must* learn how to quit telling them what to do and shift the decision making and responsibility to their shoulders, I think our expectations of ourselves also have to change. How long do we keep going back daily/weekly/monthly for the abuse? I'm certainly not suggesting stopping contact, but I think diluting it is... well, if you think about it, it would be happening if the tweedles were the most well-adjusted mentally healthy kids in the world and were living at home. Part of that whole teen thing is the transition to more independence on their part, separating more from the family unit, as well as parents stepping back a bit more. While on the surface, there's not a hair of normalcy about our situation, on the other hand I think maybe our feelings are in the realm of normal although driven by less normal circumstances. Does that make sense?</p><p></p><p>Your situation is incredibly compounded because you've got kt at home and it certainly does make sense in a very difficult child way that wm would feel excluded. Just from experience with- thank you, the next several years need to be spent reinforcing ad nausem (think we can get a deal on bulk loop recorders????) that it's not about kt or you or husband. It really is all about wm and his choices and the control that *only* he has over the quality of his life. You can't fix it. Only he can. </p><p></p><p>You know I don't for a second think there's anything wrong with- setting reasonable boundaries for social behavior, regardless of diagnosis or medications or whatever. If our kids are ever going to participate in an unlocked community, they need to treat people decently and that includes us. </p><p></p><p>Oops - your question. I hope the sense of duty in terms of visiting changes back to just the joy of seeing our kids when our kids start treating us better and quit blaming us and everyone else for their situation, as well as start getting invested in their lives and really living them as opposed to the mere existence that thank you at least seems to have engaged in for most of the past 7 years. Until then, here anyway, I do what I'm supposed to do (like you and so many other parents on the board) because that's my job. And I wait.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 50844, member: 8"] I guess it depends on what you mean by "get over it". I have to admit (guiltily) that since he's been in this Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement, I don't really miss thank you; by that, I mean I'm not pining away and am certainly no longer falling into that "when he comes home, we'll..." fantasy. Heaven knows, I don't miss the violence, the mouth, the over the top tension that was our lives when he lived here. I don't miss the pcs fear of their brother. First 2 RTCs, I visited at least every other weekend, at *least*. Now, my willingness to schlep 1.5-2 hours up there to "visit" is much less and I often just stay home while while husband goes up there either alone or with- the rest of the kids. I love thank you with my heart and soul, still melt when I see the face of my son. But I'm just not willing to continue to schedule my life, and my family's life, around his visits. We've been doing this too doggone long. Maybe I'm selfish. Well, ok, truth time - I *am* selfish. I've gotten to the point where I want something in return, which really isn't a terribly motherly emotion but... there it is. I resent his "gimme, gimme, gimme" attitude, I resent being a wallet and a diversion. I resent that after 7 years of blood, sweat, and tears, it's pretty clear that he will not be returning home and *he's* really not terribly concerned about it. It's all about him except when his circumstances are the fault of everyone *but* him. in my humble opinion, Linda, I think our minds/hearts evolve as time goes by and our kids get older and are still out of the home. As our expectations of them must change with age, as we *must* learn how to quit telling them what to do and shift the decision making and responsibility to their shoulders, I think our expectations of ourselves also have to change. How long do we keep going back daily/weekly/monthly for the abuse? I'm certainly not suggesting stopping contact, but I think diluting it is... well, if you think about it, it would be happening if the tweedles were the most well-adjusted mentally healthy kids in the world and were living at home. Part of that whole teen thing is the transition to more independence on their part, separating more from the family unit, as well as parents stepping back a bit more. While on the surface, there's not a hair of normalcy about our situation, on the other hand I think maybe our feelings are in the realm of normal although driven by less normal circumstances. Does that make sense? Your situation is incredibly compounded because you've got kt at home and it certainly does make sense in a very difficult child way that wm would feel excluded. Just from experience with- thank you, the next several years need to be spent reinforcing ad nausem (think we can get a deal on bulk loop recorders????) that it's not about kt or you or husband. It really is all about wm and his choices and the control that *only* he has over the quality of his life. You can't fix it. Only he can. You know I don't for a second think there's anything wrong with- setting reasonable boundaries for social behavior, regardless of diagnosis or medications or whatever. If our kids are ever going to participate in an unlocked community, they need to treat people decently and that includes us. Oops - your question. I hope the sense of duty in terms of visiting changes back to just the joy of seeing our kids when our kids start treating us better and quit blaming us and everyone else for their situation, as well as start getting invested in their lives and really living them as opposed to the mere existence that thank you at least seems to have engaged in for most of the past 7 years. Until then, here anyway, I do what I'm supposed to do (like you and so many other parents on the board) because that's my job. And I wait. [/QUOTE]
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