Now she's dealing

[DammitJanet]

I dont think you have the proof to go to the police. At least here, they would do nothing with "I think my kid is dealing and doing drugs because she had money in her purse that I dont know where she got."

I think your husband is probably right. Let her go to college. Maybe it will help.

 

[Kathy813]

Here's another vote for letting her go off to college. It will give you and your husband a respite and there is always a chance she will love it and decide that she wants to stay and clean up her act.

Do I think that is likely? No, but it is worth the try. . . and your husband is right about letting someone else be the bad guy. The real question for you and your husband is to figure out what you are going to do if/when she does get kicked out or flunks out of school. We set up our difficult child in an apartment and told her that we would pay x amount of months for her and then she would have to take over. Of course, she ended up getting evicted once we stopped paying and it started a long period of being homeless and sleeping on friends' floors. I which I could be more positive for you but do keep in mind that my difficult child did eventually start to figure things out.

One more thing about finding the drugs. My difficult child recently told me that she used to hide her drugs in a stuffed toy that she has had since she was two. She used to open the seam in the back of "Bunny" and stuff drugs in there. I never, ever suspected that was the reason she used to take Bunny when she went to spend the night at friends' houses when she was in high school.

I don't know why she felt the need to tell me about it now. I would have been happy living the rest of my life without knowing that.

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

Kathy that is exactly what husband wants to do, set her up in an aprtment for six months and then she is on her own. I suspect she will be evicted after that time just like yours but it does seem to be the best alternative right now. I just hate to see $10,000 of money we don't have right now go down the drain and then have to put out more for an apartment, but I don't know what else to do.

I am counting down the days til Aug 27. My whole life the past three years has been counting down days until various milestones.

Nancy

 

[BusynMember]

Nancy, you have done all you could and are giving her another chance. Now it's up to her. If she fails, well, you did EVERYTHING possible and I support keeping her out of the house. We had to do it. Strangely, not only was it good for us, but it was good for her.

Hugs and prayers your way. I know first hand how draining this is.

 

[Suz]

I wanted to confront her now and tell her to leave since a condition ofr going to college was no drug use. husband wants to play it out and let her hang herself so we are not the ones imposing the consequences on her once again.

I agree that you don't have the real proof that she's doing/selling drugs now to cancel your agreement with her or seek any kind of legal action.

And I also agree that trying to endure the next few weeks is probably in everyone's best interests. It's really unfortunate that she is hellbent on destruction. She really is the female version of Rob at that age.

Suz

 

[Star*]

Nancy,

I'm sending you my hugest hugs. The reality of trying to figure out the lesser of two evils and hoping for the best outcome from that gives ME a headache also. I'll ALWAYS keep hoping though.

I doubt she'd dumb enough to leave the drugs in her purse OR bring them into her room - but I DO think she's SMART enough to hide them outside on your property or somewhere else in your house - so just watch her for odd behavior like going places she's not usually gone - cookie jar, ginger jar in the den - encyclopedia no one uses - stuff like that. Or in the garage - flower pot outside.

She really enjoys pushing the limits and buttons doesnt she? Put me down for the group that hopes she gets to college, and figures out - there is more to life and that she finds the definition for cranialrectalidis; realizes she is afflicted, comes up with her own cure and apology for how she treats her family.

26 Days - and counting......

 

[KTMom91]

Nancy, I'm so sorry. Many hugs.

 

[DammitJanet]

I think this is so much harder with her being a girl. The what ifs of what could happen to her just seem so much more horrible when you think about them from a parents perspective I think than if she was a big strapping guy. I mean I was taken to my knees thinking of all the horrible things that could happen to Cory...and plenty of them have come to pass...but omg...if they had happened to my little girl? Oh I think it would be so much worse.

I never raised a girl so I really dont know but I look at my granddaughters and I just think...oh gosh...what will you two be like when you girls are teens? I look at Keyana and I can just see her sashaying around with an attitude and a pack of boys sniffing around behind her. Cory and Tony will kill them! Personally I am not too sure she isnt gonna give her Daddy a run for his money...lol. It would kill me to go through what I have gone through with Cory with these granddaughters. Even thinking about kicking one out sends shivers down my spine!

 

[Kathy813]

Nancy,

Could she get a FAFSA loan for at least part of the cost? Maybe she would be more invested in her education that way. It didn't work for my difficult child because she doesn't feel any moral obligation to pay a debt but at least you would be out less money if she drops out. You could offer to pay off the loan if she does well.

Just a thought . . .

~Kathy

 

[Nomad]

UGH! I'm so sorry. It does NOT sound kosher.

I agree with- Kathy...look into student loans if this college thing looks like it is really going to happen. Then have her do most of the work to get them.

Ya know what...I know a mom of a difficult child whose kid dropped out of college and then got an apartment in the college town AWAY from mom and dad. Worked part time jobs and mom and dad sent some money now and again. It was difficult, but mom and dad (I think) felt it was a better situation 'cause their child was away from home for awhile and it gave them a rest.

Also, what about drug testing? There are lots of kits at the stores these days. If she is staying in your home and expecting you to help out with- college, perhaps you should consider some pee in a cup.

I would try to de-escalate (if possible...wow...sure seems like it would be super tough) any drama. There is a certain normalcy to high drama right before a child leaves for college.

Unreal....I'm so sorry. This has got to feel crummy.

 

[goldenguru]

Personally - I would hesitate to throw $10,000 out the window by default. If you really think she is going to fail, I would find a more frugal failure plan.

Put her up in a boarding house and offer to pay for one class with the requirement that she also find a part time job. And then if she does well with her one class, and only then, you could offer more in the way of her education.

Put part of the responsibility back on her.

 

[Nomad]

GG makes an excellent point. Just because your daughter is "older," doesn't mean that this type of thing is out of the question. I recall that there was a place in California that had a good reputation for this sort of thing. The "kids" went to college part time and also had to work. They lived in a group home. It was basically like a TBS. Perhaps the Struggling Teens site would have suggestions.

Have you asked her if she is using drugs? Can you ask her to take a drug test? Ya know...if she refuses...you are closer to your answer.

Can you take her in for a physical before college and do drug screening there?

All things to think about.

I'm so sorry for it all.

Look up Families Anonymous and go. I promise you...you will not regret it.

 

[Nancy]

Nomad I already checked out Families Anonymous and found a meeting close to me onFriday evenings. Thanks for the info. I asked her to go for a drug test the other day and she refused and I told her that told me all I need to know. We know she is using, we can smell it and tell by her behavior and she smoked just this past Thursday and Friday.

Kathy we got a FAFSA loan for part of it and it is in her name. She doesn't care, she has no intention of paying it back. She has a rude awakening. We got a FAFSA loan for easy child too for the last two years and told her we would try to pay it back for her assuming husband still had a job and we were financially ok, but no way will I pay back difficult child's unless she makes a remarkable turn around. She has no idea what FAFSA is and no interest in how college is being paid for. She has done nothing to prepare for college and it is obvious she only wants to go to get away from us.

Nancy

 

[Star*]

Nancy,

What would happen to difficult child if you did a FULL RILEY and left her suitcase on the doorstep, packed her bags and took her to the bus station one evening and told her "We have tried to love you and you don't want our love, we have tried to give you a home, and you don't want our home, we have tried to give you nice things, and you don't want anything from us but to get away from us - so in a last attempt to show you we really only ever wanted to make you happy we are letting you go."

And then put her stuff in the car - and take her to the terminal....and leave her there.

I know it would be so hard for you - but do you think it would wake her up at all?

It's basically what we did with Dude and while it's taken almost 2 years of VERY hard, ugly and rough people in and out of his life to show him that the people that really care are his family - it was worth the 2 hour crying jag I had when I packed his stuff into a trash bag and gave his birth certificate, social security card and insurance card to his caseworker and a total stranger at 16 with NO future whatsoever in sight and already a convicted felon.

Just wondering if that would be the PUSH that it would take?

I'm so sorry for you - you sounded like such a love on the phone.

 

[Kathy813]

Nomad,

I looked into that sort of place for my difficult child. The ones that I saw were prohibitively expensive. One was about $100,000 for a year. There was no way I would even consider spending that kind of money (even if we had it) on my difficult child when I knew that she didn't want to change and it would just be a gigantic waste of money. The programs looked great, though, because they focused on living skills along with taking college classes. I doubt we could have forced her to go, anyway. Most of the programs seemed to be out west and she would never have agreed to go.

We also looked at a $10,000 intensive outpatient program for our difficult child that focused on young adults from 18 - 22. difficult child even agreed to go but I knew that she was only agreeing because she had nowhere else to go and it wouldn't have made any lasting change. At the time, I remember people on the site telling me when we were considering signing her up for the program that unless difficult child really wanted to change, that it would just be a waste of money. After the initial assessment, the doctor that ran the program told us that he didn't think difficult child was a good candidate for the program since he believed difficult child when she told him that she was not smoking pot every day and had only "experimented" with cocaine and ectasy a couple of times. Evidently, he saw my difficult child as more of a party girl than a hard core drug user.

Maybe he was right because time and maturity ended up being the answer for us but it was hell getting there.

Nancy ~ Keep posting . . . it was the only thing that kept me going during the dark days.

~Kathy

 

[Nomad]

Kathy: $100,000 OMG! At least the other one doesn't one doesn't sound insane.

My friend's daughter (difficult child) was going to go into a program like you describe, but at the last minute, she chickened out...refused to go. Today, she is in her early 30s. It has been a very tough road. She is an alcoholic. She's been in jail a few times. Today, she is in a half way house. Her mom has hope one moment and no hope the next. Right this second, things are fairly good...she is in the half way house, is staying away from booze, is taking her antidepressant (she has depression) and looking for a job. by the way, the mom has "moved on." She is an active volunteer, etc. She lives her own life and seems happier and looks better now than I have seen her in a long time.

husband and I REALLY loved the FA meetings we went to.

Nancy...KUDOS...that you looked it up and are planning on going.
One thing that was a little weird, is that a VERY large percentage of the parents at the FA meeting were dealing with children (mostly teenagers and older) who were "using." However, that is not our case. Many of these kids or young adults were dual diagnosis. So, I did totally "get" the discussion about those type of things. Additionally, the behaviors were all very very similar. Lots of common themes...the pain and anguish certainly the same.

Let me tell ya...it was at one of these meetings where we met a mom who suggested a therapist for difficult child. She is by far the BEST one we have had to date. In three weeks, we have seen some (tiny though) growth. Hmmmm...difficult child was seeing another therapist for close to 15 years. The last 5 years...really little improvement. Ouch. Cough. Lots of frustration there.
I have LEARNED SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!! difficult child wants to go, makes her own appts. This person shows empathy, but holds her ACCOUNTABLE. Awesome.

by the way, some of those parents are so "tight" it melts your heart. It's as if they have been through a war together. My guess is that "outsiders" would NEVER ever ever understand it all.

 

[Nancy]

Star,

About three weeks ago I packed her bags, put them outside and told her to leave. When she went outside I locked all the doors and pulled the blinds shut. She proceeded to bang on every door, kick the garage and leave a big dent in it, pull out my plants in the front yard, kick the mulch all over the drive, throw rocks at the doors, screamed at the top of her lungs to give her a phone. I wanted so badly for one of our neighbors to call the police. She was high. Finally when she couldn't get a hold of anyone because she broke all the house phones by throwing them and her cell phone was with her boyfriend because he lost his, she cried and begged to come in. That was where I went wrong. I shold have ignored her and let her break all the glass doors and windows and let the police come and cart her away.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

Oh Nancy, we went through the very same scenes. Sometimes I feel like I am rewatching scenes from the past when I read your posts.

Just a word of warning . . . when we tried to throw out difficult child she told us we couldn't because she would have to be evicted first. I didn't believe her and called the police. To my shock and dismay, they told us that difficult child was correct . . . even though she was an adult who was not paying rent and not contributing to our household in any way, we would have to go to court and start legal eviction proceedings. I explained to the police that she was doing drugs and stealing my jewelry and they said that without any proof there was nothing we could do about it. So we would have been stuck with her for another thirty days giving her time to do who knows what. It blew over at the time (and I locked up my remaining jewelry) but I could't believe that she was right. She got a lot of satisfaction out of that, by the way.

I don't know how the law works in other states. I'm sure your husband would know. One thing that they did tell us was if she left voluntarily (like if she got mad and left in a huff), we wouldn't have to let her return.

I know this is tearing you up inside. {{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

OMG Kathy that is crazy. Well then I will just have to make her leave in a huff, lock the door and not let her back in. I will certainly check out our laws but many times the police told her and us that when she turned 18 we no longer had to let her live here. Thanks for the info. I imagine it's sad for you to relive some of these stories.

Nancy

 

[susiestar]

It sounds like you have a decent plan. Star's suggestion of taking her to the bus station or whereever is helpful in that it would remove her from your home so her rages would be see by all sorts of other people, instead of neighbors who may be used to her bad behavior.

I think in OH you are pretty safe with just booting her out if she is 18. It is good that you are not in NY. One of our members learned that at age 18 she lost all legal rights to control her child AND could not throw the child out until age 21! It is bizarre to me, but it is true. So have your plan laid out, have husband there if you can to support each other through this, and do what you need to do.