Now that I have called the cops once...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by llamafarm, Mar 19, 2012.

  1. llamafarm

    llamafarm Member

    What is next? I have told him I will call the police the next time he hits me. I have done it once while at his school (see past post). It was an ideal situation (as far as calling the police on your own child can be). I know I will have to call them again at some point. My question is how? I have a number for the precinct and the name/#of the officer who we dealt with. Do I call that if I am not in emergency danger? Of course isn't any assault considered emergency worthy, or shouldn't it be? With one punch I will have to make the call. With one slap I will have to make the call, too, so that difficult child gets the seriousness of it all. Will they come out and require I press charges? Will I lose support of the police if I have them come out several times without pressing charges? The officer I dealt with last week would not recommend pressing charges because of the chances difficult child will be assaulted while his is detained (all kids to 18 are placed together).

    But I am not sure how to go about this whole thing.. Suggestions?
  2. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    I have never been in your situation, sending lots of supportive hugs.
    I see your difficult child is still quite young. How big i he? Can you physically still overpower him? Can you restrain him or find a place that will teach how to safely restrain him? How about you husband?
    I understand why you called the police, but you can't call them everyday just to make a point to your difficult child... Specially an autistic child, he might not get the point at all.
    How about calling an ambulance or taking him to the ER? Treat the violence as a symptom of his disability/medical/mental condition?
    Therapeutic interventions might be more useful than legal intervention at that point.
    Do you have a therapeutic team following your difficult child?
    I'm sorry not to be any more help.
  3. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

    I agree that calling the police repeatedly will not be sustainable if you do not go the next step. The police will not want to come out to your home multiple times a week. When sibs hit each other in anger people are not calling the police, they have to find other interventions to prevent the behavior. If you feel like you are not safe and you cannot de-escalate your child and this is happening with increasing frequency and severity you might want to consider a residential treatment facility.
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    That's exactly what if be facing if I actually called. Q would be killed because he'd have no idea when to shut up or what not to say etc. I have been using activities and Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) workers and therapies but what to do when your alone and you start been being punched and kicked?.....wish I had a better answer than get through it and consequences.....
  5. Nikki88

    Nikki88 New Member

    I don't have any advise, but I'm thinking of you!
  6. llamafarm

    llamafarm Member

    Thanks for the quick responses. I am thinking this all through and trying to make a plan while he is in school. He is very small and will not catch on to social cues sent to him while is detained. This will only cause trouble for him. He is small enough that I can still restrain him. It is exhausting though. I have been trained in restraining and been shown some defensive moves from the school principal. Unfortunately I cannot lay a hand on him except to hold him or he thinks I have hit or kicked him. Defending myself from a kick with my leg and foot he announces that I am kicking him. When I try to get past him to my safe spot he announces I pushed him or hit him. He has told his view of physical conflicts twice now to his counselor. They reported me to the county once. Nothing came of it. I have been involved in both discussions with the counselors when difficult child discussed the situation. it is so hard because he just does not see the world or situations as the rest of the world sees them. The counselors are required to report so they do. I now narrate things when I need to defend myself. I say things like, "Now I have to hold your arms. I am not hitting you. It hurts because you are out of control." Or, "I have to put my leg up to stop you from kicking me" Of course that is during ideal conflicts. I don't narrate when I am avoiding painful punches and don't see any advantage to it...

    Anyway. I felt liberated after the first police call. Now I am feeling a bit more of reality and how things will really go.
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I don't know where in Ohio you are, but - once you have called the police, things get infinitely easier.

    I suppose it depends on how much you can defend yourself. After many calls, the police no longer believed Onyxx when she told them I put my hands around her neck - because she had NO MARKS and I was the one with bruises, etc. (It did not hurt that husband also had marks, and he had taken her down to get her off of me - she is as big as I am.)

    When you call - simply - "I need to report an unruly, violent child AGAIN."

    in my opinion, just a simple slap (by itself, no other directed violence) might warrant a call - if it has been preceded by threats and/or stuff like kicking walls, throwing things. But then, throwing furniture was enough for me to call the police. I was afraid she'd hit her brother.

    If you like, PM me, let me know where in Ohio! ;-)
  8. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I totally hear your reluctance. difficult child 1 is very small for his age. He's never hit me but is more into property destruction and running away. Because of his Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), his thinking is VERY different than most people's and we have 1 (ONE) officer that understands. The rest are either clueless or treat me like a liar. But, I would definitely, absolutely, no question draw the line at physical violence. There is NO WAY difficult child 1 would get away with it. You really need to go to the police station and talk to the chief and see if any of the officers have been trained in mental health issues or if any of them would be willing to be your "go-to cop" or if they'd be willing to let you give a talk to the officers filling them in on difficult child's disabilities and what you want to accomplish with the interventions. Any of those things would work. The physical violence HAS to stop.

    HUGS to you all.
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Go to the police station (or sheriff's office) and tell them you'd like to sit down with a Department of Juvenile Justice Officer and ask a few questions.

    Ask them all the things you have posted here. What number should you call? What level of violence / aggression should be reported? Will the police require you to press charges?

    You may find them very helpful...
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad that you felt liberated after the first call.

    I agree, do not call them repeatedly. The effects will wear off. You can use the threat of a call, though. If your son is like mine, you can sit him down and say, "Would you like me to call the police now, or later?" and he'll probably burst into tears. And tell you more than you needed to know. And then you won't have to call the police. The idea is to get him to think and to feel and to put him on a path that is constructive.

    You can also arrange for a tour of the local juv det ctr. I did that with-my son. I arranged it b4 hand, but I have to say, I was a bit disappointed because the intake ofc kept pulling me aside and whispering, "Mom, he's a good kid. Why did you bring him here?" which difficult child overheard, of course. Grr. These officers see really hard-core kids, but that's the part I wanted to use to scare-straight my difficult child.

    DF has some great ideas, too.
  11. sjexpress

    sjexpress Guest

    you can certainly call the precinct and ask what is the best way to handle this. They have special departments set up for domestic violence as well as community service officers who deal with these types of situations. I bet if you ask they will give you good advice so you know what your next step is when another incident breaks out.

  12. cfa3

    cfa3 New Member

    I have had to call the police on my son 3 times total. I save the calls for emergencies because as others have said, you should be cautious not to abuse the police or get a "bad" name for yourself with them. Also, do you think that your child's behavior is under his control such that a deterrent like calling the cops will work? That is I think something to consider. When I call, I call 911 and here we have crisis trained officers, and I ask for one. They then will come and usually take my son to ER for evaluation or directly to crisis unit for kids.

    I would just think about whether or not there is a less intense aversive you can use. What about loss of a privelege he really cares about? I do get the relief that it bring to do something to relieve the situation, but just be cautious to not abuse it. Also, what if you called and the officer decided to arrest your child for assault? Would that be ok with you? Something else to consider.

    Knowing how you feel and wishing you all the best.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    First of all, kudos for working to plan ahead. Things go better when we can anticipate what will happen and plan how to respond.

    You will have to keep calling. Go ahead and talk to the police about the best way to handle it. If nothng else, ask for them to help transport a violent, mentally ill child to a psychiatric hospital for evaluation as a danger to others. I would push for psychiatric hospital admit rather than Department of Juvenile Justice involvement, but if several trips to the psychiatric hospital do nothing and the doctors can't/won't help then get Department of Juvenile Justice to help.

    I also strongly strongly strongly urge and encourage you to make an intake appointment with the local domestic violence center. Just because you are the mom and he is the kid and he doesn't see things the way the world does does NOT change that this is domestic violence. The DV center can help YOU with all the feelings of being a battered mom and him with ways to cope other than that and to help him see WHY he cannot hit/hurt. You may have to push them, but they should be able to help. I live in a fairly small town and ours was a big help even though I was the first parent to come to them with abuse from my son. This was almost 6 yrs ago and now they have a whole program that they work with families like ours. I know because my dv therapist told me a few months ago when I ran into her. Even after all this time, she still waits to acknowledge that she even knows me if she sees me in public - they don't say/do/show ANY signs that they know you unless you do first because they know for some people it causes problems/embarrassment/etc...

    What are his docs saying about the violence? Are you letting them see how much it truly is hurting and scaring you? Or are you mentioning it and seeming confident and capable so they brush it off? I ask because I did the confident thing and they didn't really take it seriously until I broke down one day in tears over it. So if you show the strain and stress during the appts, they are MUCH more likely to do things.

    Do you have a prn medication for when he rages? It is a medication to help sedate him when he is hitting. I know none of us watn to go there, but honestly, it is better than being hurt or permanently harmed/maimed/killed because your child hurt you. What happens to him if you don't protect BOTH of you from his violence? A prn medication can be a dose of his antipsychotic or another one, or another medication to calm him down. You need to ask the psychiatrist who rx's his medications about this - and be SURe you show him any bruises (take pics of any marks/bruises when they show up).

    Make sure the cops know that he has the diagnosis's, and that you need a crisis officer or team with training in this, and transport to a psychiatric hospital if they remove him. Check with the psychiatrist to see if a psychiatric hospital is the best choice or if he has antoher suggestion.

    I hope this helps. Make SURE your daughter knows EXACTLY what to do and where to go and when/how to call 911 when difficult child is raging. Put this in writing and practice it with her, even if you have to take her out of school early one day to do this with-o difficult child being there. It is IMPORTANT and this MUST be written so that you can show CPS that you are keeping her safe. This goes a LONG way to helping you if/when they get involved. Heck, call CPS and ask them how to handle this, what to do when your 11yo son attacks you with punches and kicks and slaps. They might have some help/ideas, it can't hurt to ask.

    (((((hugs))))) You are going about this the best that anyone could. Be nice to yourself because NO ONE could handle this better. I have been there done that and I KNOW.
  14. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Daisy has some great advice. Some (most?) 911 centers have the ability to place a note in your "file" that will shown on the screen when you call. That will give the police the info you need.

    Instead of having him "arrested", they might be willing to 'take him downtown' (just take him to the local jail and you go pick him up) and the other option would be to have him transported to the local ER for a possible psychiatric admit. Most (all?) psychiatric hospitals separate the younger children from the teenagers.