Now what do I do??? :(

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by PatriotsGirl, Oct 18, 2010.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I really need your help here!!!! I have been getting texts from my mom complaining about difficult child all the time since she has gotten there. At first it was because she wasn't taking the dog out enough. Now that she is taking the dog out, she complains about how much food she is eating and blah, blah, blah. My sister told me that difficult child hasn't been that bad and that mom is getting really grouchy these days and throwing a tantrum about every little thing. My sister is ready to pack up the car and come down to Georgia, too, to get away from mom!
    I have been in a constant state of stress because I am getting all these complaints. Of course, difficult child wants to come home. Mom says she isn't sure she can deal with difficult child. I asked if she can at least keep her until we get there next month and then I guess difficult child will come back with us. Sheesh, I just spent over 300 bucks to get her and the dog up there a week ago! :(
    But what in the world do I do??? I refuse to allow drugs into my home. I know when she comes back, she is just going to go right back to that world again. It's only been a little over a week since she has used. I refuse to get these phone calls to pick her up all strung out. I cannot live like that!!! No one will help me. No rehab will take her against her will and I cannot legally throw her out. I know the judge will order her to rehab but what until then? What do I do??
  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    51 replies. :(

    Well, husband and I both say we can't have her come right back to our house and right back into the same routine. We have spent so much money and time trying to help her and we get nowhere. I think she wants to come running back here because we have a nicer home, more food, and tons of amenities that she doesn't have up there. It certainly has nothing to do with missing us or finally wanting to be a productive member of the family. I checked the phone records. She is in constant contact with her friends down here. She wants back to her lazy carefree life of partying with her friends and having her nice room to come crash at when she is done. Nope. I just can't have it. She doesn't have to live with her Nana. She is old enough to leave on her own, but she will be on her own. She cannot live here. I provided a home for her. It's up to her to make it work.
  3. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    51 views and no replies because we care but don't have any better ideas on what to do. Detach from difficult child and detach from your mom's struggles. You told her what to expect, and I am sure you knew how it was going to go. You can not allow difficult child back into your home, and you can't control what your mom chooses to do or allow. Eventually difficult child will wear out her welcome with your mom, and will have to leave there as well. Then she is on her own. You can not take her back! You can not let her drag you down. And, she can not live any other way, at least until she decides that she want to. She may have to hit bottom before she chooses to change. She will probably have to destroy her relationship with your mom before your mother understands that she too needs to detach from difficult child, and let her fall. At that point you might try to pick up the pieces with mom as you know what she is going through.

    It is a very difficult spot you are in. I wish I had better words.
  4. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    I don't know your situation but thought I would ask - what was the agreement with her going to live with your mom - was it for good, whose idea was it, was your mom reluctant? I would tell your mom you need a break from the constant texts about difficult child - and for her to only contact you about difficult child if it is critical. Tell her you know all of this which is part of the reason she is not in your home anymore. I agree, she probably should not come back to your home. So far from what you wrote above, the complaints your Mom has are petty probably in comparison to what you were dealing with at home with difficult child. Ask your mom if she can stick it out. What is the long term plan for difficult child? When will she be 18? Can she then admit herself to a drug program?
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Sorry - should give some history:

    difficult child was using meth and was going through this cycle of getting high and disappearing for days then coming home and crashing for days. She took off again and we told her she was not coming back into our house until she went for treatment. She was strung out and desperate and agreed. I picked her up from a big foreclosed house that was crawling with homeless teens and she was pale as a ghost and looked like death. I took her home, she ate and passed out and in the morning we left for what I thought was a long term rehab program. Turned out to be an acute care facility and she was released two days later. When they called to tell me they were discharging her (they told me it was because she didn't want to be there, she claimed she didn't have a problem, etc.) I was panicked and asked my mom if difficult child could come back there because I knew if she came home she would be right back in the routine again. My mom said absolutely, so I picked up difficult child from the acute care facility and put her on a plane to my mom's.

    Now I get complaints from my mom all the time. And yes, they are petty. VERY petty. And I don't know what to do. I talked to my brother (ex addict clean for three years now), and he told me that I am an enabler and the worst thing I could possibly do for my daughter was to bring her back home. But if my mother can't deal with her, then what? I feel bad putting this all on my mom. I certainly didn't want her life to be miserable. She was so happy when difficult child was there last time. :(

    UPDATE: Just got a text from difficult child saying she has been thinking and she has decided she does not need drugs. She says drugs are a mountain in her life and she commands them to leave.

    I told her that is fantastic!!!! Now she just needs to complete a program to learn the tools for a clean life. Her response - all she needs is God and he is already in her, she just has to accept him as her Savior.

    I told her she needs a program, too, and if she is just saying this to come back home, it will not work. She will not live in my home until she has received treatment and is ready to turn her life around. If she is really serious, my brother will be there in a heartbeat to bring her to where she needs to go. If she is not willing to do the program, she is only saying this to get back in the house.
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    How long until she is 18?
  7. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    Well hopefully she will do the treatment program - if not, I agree she should not return to your house. The further away from her circle of friends right now, the better in my opinion. Hopefully your mom can hang on. Is she still in school?
  8. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    You said that your brother is an ex-addict. Can he take her in for a while and help her stay clean? It might be helpful to her to have someone that she knows that has been down the road that she is on and who came out for the better.

    I'm sorry I have no other suggestions.

  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Oh dear. Those complaints, in comparison with using drugs, are VERY petty. Is it possible that maybe you can try her at your sisters? I don't blame you for not wanting her back...we made our daughter leave and she never came back. Would it help Mom feel better if you maybe sent her some money to help pay for the food? Does talking to Mom ever help?
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    My brother is still living in a sober house - by choice. My sister lives with my mom. So, no other options except my brother in law who has custody of his and my sisters' kids.
    My brother can get her into a great FREE program up there if she is willing to go. He told me Massachusetts is the best state for recovery! He is willing to pick her up and bring her any time she says the word. I told her this and have gotten no replies since I told her that just saying she is done with drugs is not enough and that she must go through treatment if she ever wants to live with us again. Something tells me she was just trying to manipulate me. Again.
    She will be 18 next October. Almost a year left. She has her GED, so no, she does not go to school. She doesn't do anything. The best thing for her is to submit herself into the program!!!

    Oh, and I told her I would be sending a check to help with food. That is not a problem. She said her complaint is really the way difficult child talks to her. Yes, that IS a problem. But my mom snaps at every little thing which of course sets difficult child off. :mad:
  11. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    Can you tell her she either admits herself to a treatment program for the duration of that program or your mom/sister/brother will take her to a homeless shelter? There was a place we took my step son to a few times that was for troubled teens or something. The people there would take their shoes away so they would not take off. I can't remember now what kind of a "house" that was. Is there anything like that?
  12. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    She just called me. She says a six month program is too long. She is wondering what she will do with her dog. She blames me because that means Christmas will not be fun for her again this year.

    Last Christmas, a week prior to Christmas, she ran away. She called me strung out on Christmas Eve wanting me to pick her up. She crashed through Christmas and didn't have a lot to wake up to when she did wake. Well, I had returned what I got her when she ran away and stated she wasn't coming back. Ever since, I am the evil parent who is going to mess up Christmas again.

    I explained to her that her that having a crappy Christmas was the result of her choices and actions and I would not accept blame for her choices. She hung up on me. Something tells me she isn't ready. I did stand my ground and told her she is not living with us any time soon. Not until she has completed a program and then she can decide if she wants to live here or not. If she chooses not to go to a program, and if she chooses to leave her Nana's then she is on her own.

    Yup, it is all MY fault. Why can't I just take her word for it and let her come back home? (rolling eyes)
  13. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    You are absolutely doing the right thing! Stay strong - it's what she needs. Hopefully she will make the right choice. What's one Christmas - when she would be saving her life. Hang in there!
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    My brother said the same thing - he also said Christmas was a blast in rehab - tons of parties! Good, clean parties.

    I am standing my ground. As much as it shatters my mommy heart to not have her there at Christmas, it would be MUCH better than last Christmas. Last Christmas was absolutely horrible for every one including my son. She hasn't related our miserable holiday to her drug use. She insists on blaming me. I am not accepting the blame. I do not make her choices. I did not make her run away and use drugs. I didn't make her not come home two weeks ago and I didn't make her use drugs again. Nope. Standing firm here. Thank you!!!!!!!!!! :)
  15. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    GOOD JOB!! :woohoo:
  16. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just adding in some very gentle hugs.
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The year my daughter was seventeen, she pulled a knife on herself right before Christmas and I called 9-1-1 (it was MY fault, I should have known she wouldn't really kill herself). The cops came and took her to a mental health facility, but there were no teen openings close by so she spent Christmas two hours away. I have four other kids and she was furious that all of us didn't drive up to see her on Christmas Day, even though it was snowstorming and we had been there and given her gifts that weekend before. I really felt guilty when she laid the trip on me about how left out and unloved she felt. But, in the end, again it was her decision to use drugs, which caused the knife pulling incident and I would have felt worse if I hadn't called for help when she was threatening to kill herself with the whopper butcher knife. And, hey, we don't control the weather.
    She got over it. You're doing the right thing.
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    dont' break. one thing i've learned is that addicts of any type or ppl recovering have to hit rock bottom before they can claw their way back up. i've lived it first hand with-my own father. it's sad it breaks your heart and it'll make you feel horrible.

    yet just tell yourself your saving her life because that is what you are doing. i am with you treatment program, she can't stay at your mom's in that condition truly. she was a burden in your household she will be no better there.

    good luck sending you alot of hugs. having kids can be sooo soo hard sometimes they can make you hurt like no one else. stay strong and focused youa re doing the right thing
  19. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I think you are doing a great job, PatGirl. She is 17, with no strings anywhere besides a dog. ALLshe has to do to come home is go thru a rehab program. If she's got it all under control and doesn't need the program, so be it...then it will be a breeze for her to complete so she can come on home.

    You've laid out the ground rules....they are not unreasonable or unattainable. If she wants to come home, she completes a program. Pretty easy, really. Especially if your bro has been there done that....

    Let her choose from here. You are doing GREAT.
  20. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Thank you all so much!!! husband and I were actually wondering if she was acting up to nana thinking it would be a one way ticket back home. Once she found out that was not what it was going to take, her attitude changed. She behaved just fine the last time she was up there...
    You are right, I gave her a simple choice. All she has to do is submit to a program and she could come back home. I am adamant that she do that before I even consider her living here again. So, ball is in her court. Maybe she will be ready when I get there next month. I can take the dog back with me if she enters a program. No way am I bringing her back here before that happens!