Now what...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jess5277, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. Jess5277

    Jess5277 New Member

    Hi Ladies –
    I had another physical altercation with my son last night. He was being a jerk and laughing in my face so I tried to pull him out of the car and he slapped/hit me in the face. I thought for sure I was going to have a black eye today but I didn’t. Maybe it’s my fault for trying to pull him out of the car, I don’t know, but I have to figure out something quick.
    He has been violent with me and my 13 year old daughter before so I sent him to live with his dad. Him and his dad got into a physical fight and because my ex left marks on him he was arrested for felony child abuse. The DA dropped the charges when he heard about the issues with my son.
    He’s been back with me for a few weeks now. We’ve had some issues but yesterday was the first time it became violent again. He is currently suspended from school for 5 days for fighting.
    My question for you guys is…what now? Here is what I’ve tried so far…
    1. Weekly therapy
    2. Very thorough psychiatric evaluation which showed severe depression, ADHD, attachment disorder & ODD; he is at high risk for a full conduct disorder
    3. Scared Straight program, which he found funny.
    4. Working with a psychiatrist and trying several medications
    5. Teen support groups
    I have tried to find boarding schools but I can’t afford them. Our therapist told us that he doesn’t do well with punishments or scare tactics (she thinks the scared straight program did more harm than good)
    I’ve gotten some good advice from you guys on here but I can’t even get to the point of being able to use it.
    I don’t know what to do, what are my options if he’s been violent several times to several family members and I can’t afford boarding school?
    I am not at all close to putting him in foster care or something; how can I? He already has attachment issues, I can’t imagine “giving him away”.
    I like to believe underneath it all he’s a good kid who is hurting so much inside but he will be okay in the end, we just have to make it through the teenage years. How can I turn my back on my child that is so damaged and needs help?
    Can anyone help me with options?
    by the way…I was physically abused by his father and I feel like I am still playing the victim role in domestic violence but this is my son…
  2. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Scared straight & boot camp type stuff usually does more harm then good with these kids, I knew one kid who loved residential so much that after scared straight program decided prison was his end goal. Probably will get his wish was in county jail last I heard.

    The thing that scares me the most in your son's case is his age, with sisters - I know a kid 15yo(who I believe was innocent) who was incarcerated in the state juvi system until the age of 21 and will be a registered sex offender till he dies based on lies of MI sister who wanted him out of the way.

    Things can get really ugly especially when attachment disorders are involved. For right now you need to get it thru to him no physical aggression will be tolerated; actually until under control no physical contact (nobody touches nobody) its ok for mom to hug the 5yo good night but thats about it.

    If anyone assaults anyone the police should be called and let them decide if going for psychiatric evaluation & inpatient or jail/juvi. At 15yo he needs to learn to control himself this isn't something you can do for him at this point. You and your other children deserve to feel safe and this cycle of abuse must end now, it's that nasty circle thing and you can't have a 13&5yo growing up seeing your relationship with son thinking this is how a parent is suppose to interact with child... the girls may grow up to abuse their kids thinking all the yelling & hitting is normal.

    Regarding foster care if that's what is necessary for survival of rest of family ok, but absolutely DO NOT sign incorrigibility paperwork without talking to a lawyer experienced in this area it terminates your parental rights. In cases of adopted kids the system will crucify the parents for signing; can do it with bio kid but adopted the parents are facing legal consequences.

    Good luck Nancy
  3. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    almost forgot,

    men post here too & we aren't all ladies even of the women posters LOL
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hmmmm. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you may be in a power struggle with your child. Maybe you feel he SHOULD obey you because he is your child and you are going to do all you can to make that happen.
    Unfortunately our differently wired kids do not do well with that sort of inflexible parenting and I agree with helpangel that boot camps and Scared Straight stuff doesn't work well for our kids. They do not believe, like other kids might, that the worst will happen to them. Or maybe some of them have it go in one ear and out the other and put it out of t heir minds. Ditto for military school. They usually get thrown out.

    On the other hand, this child, no matter what his age, has no bright to hit you, especially so hard that it bruises. For your own safety, if you feel threaten3ed, call the cops and do it right after it happens so you have a record of it. This may not make your son all better, but nothing quick will do that anyway and YOU need to be safe. I would do a no-nonsense to any physical violence in your house. He hits call the cops. If he spends some time in juvie, he does.
    He should not be in your house while he is violent because somebody could get badly hurt, emphasis on his sister.
    He may be imitating your ex, not a good role model. It doesn't matter why at this point. I assume he is big and strong. It's time for you to take care of yourself and your daughter and do a zero tolerance on the violence. If he does that to a stranger, he will end up in jail.Have you considered a residential treatment center, long term? Maybe a long stay back with Dad? I'm guessing Dad is at least strong enough to ward off his blows, even if he is a terrible role model. Your son does not seem to be learning from your example right now.
    I am sorry this is happening and hope you find the strength that you know is inside of you to do the right thing, whatever you feel it is. Don't be a victim!!! Hugs to you.
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Hi Jess - I'm so sorry you're going thru this.

    First and foremost, you have the right to be safe in your own home.

    I'm gonna say it again, because I think sometimes we forget that.

    You have the *right* to be safe in your own home.

    More important than that, your *daughter* has the right to be safe in her own home.

    Domestic violence is domestic violence. Doesn't matter who the perpetrator is.

    I do agree with Midwest Mom that possibly there was a power struggle going on there (can't blame you at all). What would have happened if you had walked away from your son, rather than trying to pull him out of the car? Would he have still gotten physical with you?

    It's really hard to accept the lousy way our kids treat us sometimes, but... I can only say that, for me, the goal became trying to keep situations from escalating to that violence from my difficult child. I've been called every name in the book, had to listen to the most vile spewage from my kid, but I had to learn (slowly, and with a lot of support from the folks on here) to ignore that for the sake of avoiding physical violence. We came up with safety plans so that my other kids would be comparatively protected from both the verbal and physical violence. In the long run, it didn't work well for us because if I didn't respond to the verbal spewage, my kid absolutely would keep on pushing boundaries until he got physical, and that's why he spent the last 9 years of his childhood in residential placements, with 2 very short-lived tries at living at home in those 9 years.

    in my humble opinion, you need to draw a very firm line in the sand. There will be absolutely *no* physical violence in your home. Period. No destruction of property. Period. 911 will be called for domestic violence. Period.

    We had a very long history with our local police, in hindsight probably fortunately. Every time I had to call 911 (too many to count), I informed them I had a mentally ill child/adolescent who was violent and needed transport to the local hospital. EMTs and a couple of officers would arrive to help out. He would get transported to hospital for evaluation and admission. Sometimes it would go smoothly. Sometimes it was an absolute zoo. But you cannot handle this by yourself. You need to call for help.

    Most importantly, your son needs to get the message that there is a zero tolerance for violence in your home, or any place else for that matter.

    I'm really so very sorry you're going thru this. Truly. I'm not sure what to suggest in terms of addressing the cause of his violence, but honestly it sounds like the violence is really the biggest issue right now, for you *and* or your daughter.