I feel so weird, because I don't have that many feelings right now about my dad's death. With H. I was crying forever. I know it is different because I knew my Dad's was coming and I was emotionally prepared, but still you would think I would feel really sad or something. I just kind of feel - well - nothing? We held the memorial 2 weeks after his death in Dallas. So I flew from Oregon back to Arizona for 2 weeks, and at that time I was pretty emotional. Then I flew to the memorial in Dallas. I had written a poem for the memorial, and I felt really good about how that was received, but I did not have many tears. Then I stayed 2 more weeks to help my Mom clean out my entire childhood home. My Mom is REALLY good at always staying emotionally in check, to the point of severe denial at times. So I sort of mirrored that as we cleaned out the entire 3k foot house. Room by room, closet by closet I just put up steel walls and pretended as if it was a job. There were a few times I really got emotionally charged, but those all had to do with unearthing things of H.'s, not my Dad's. Now granted, my Dad was not an emotional person, and as you know there was some abuse - however - I still love/loved him and he was always there for me. He was always there whenever I needed him. My Mom and I had some amazing bonding time in all of this which was really neat. And I had some wonderful time with my cousins, some of whom I had not seen in a decade. And some friends I had not seen in 20 years came to my Dad's memorial, which was really neat. So there many positives in this 2 week period. Regardless, I feel like I really shoved down some serious manure as I was cleaning, packing, and storing all of these objects of my youth, and my Mom's and Dad's youth. It was intense to say the least. So now I am back home and I just feel so normal. I don't know. I feel like I should be grieving, but I am not really. Yet I feel like if I started to cry, I might not stop, and that scares me, so I keep pushing it down. It is a weird feeling. Kinda of like a yin yang of the spirit. My spirit does not know which direction to go. I find myself missing my Mom more than I miss my Dad. She is all I have left of my little nuclear family - and I want to be closer in proximity to her - whereas before it did not bother me in the least that I lived 1K miles away from my parents. Anyway, thanks for listening. I am sure this is somewhat normal - but I really feel like my feeling are smooshed up somewhere hiding, and I don't like that feeling - because they may come out at any inopportune moment and say BOO.