Obesity/special event

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Oct 1, 2018.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I can already guess the gist of most, if not all of the replies. But, the futility and angst of this as a mom bothers me.

    Our daughter has been invited to the wedding of her very good childhood friend. It will be in the Spring. It’s in a different state. We are invited as well.

    Our daughter has nooo cause and effect reasoning, although she is actually very bright.

    This friend means a LOT to her. This can’t be overstated. A lot.

    Periodically, it bothers our daughter that she is now obese. Rarely, but it happens. Usually, when she has to get dressed up and struggles to find nice clothing and/or to feel and/or look right. She is not very tall and pushing 300 pounds. Lately, finding pretty clothes is a little harder than previously.

    She lives near a WW place and I have offered to pay... but she is not interested. She eats horribly. Cheeseburgers, large fries, extra large regular cokes, ice cream etc. she has given up and almost happily calls herself “fat.”

    It is possible that by Spring, she will be much bigger.

    AND it’s VERY likely she will be HYSTERICAL when she decides to look for a nice dress for the wedding.

    When the friend got engaged I hinted that she might consider going on a diet and she got a little ticked.

    But this is a train wreck sure to happen. She will VERY likely go hysterical come Spring. I’m not joking, not exaggerating one bit.

    Any advice/ideas!?!?

    Thank you.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    How about a low carb diet? They really work and you can eat good!
     
  3. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    This is hard, but I suspect any kind of direct pushing/suggesting/offering to help is only going to backfire. It sounds like she is hypersensitive on the topic already. She knows she is overweight, and she knows her eating habits are unhealthy. Continually reminding an overweight person of these facts often just makes them feel worse about themselves and spiral into even worse habit - eg, I’m already a failure, why try?

    Personally, I’d stay out of it. Model good habits, but don’t go overboard in drawing attention to that modeling. Keep it natural and nonchalant. If she’s interested and open, you can share what works for you, research you have read, or see if she’ll join you for some healthy exercise. But don’t push it if she’s not open.

    And if she goes into hysterics? She goes into hysterics. And you ignore it, or practice sympathetic, non judgmental, calm responses. Oh, I’m so sorry you’re upset. I know finding clothes is tough.

    There are more options now for larger women, especially online. I think I would put my energies into researching some of those options to have in your back pocket when the time comes. She will have to manage her weight and health on her own, but you can help her navigate finding something that she will feel confident in for the wedding. I think for anyone struggling with weight issues, building up confidence and reinforcing positive choices in a low-key way works better than direct suggestions or pushing.
     
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  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    If she starts dress shopping now it might inspire her to lose weight. With the right diet plan she could lose fifty pounds by March. Her insurance might cover going to a nutrition specialist. I did well with LA Weight Loss, then I went to a nutrition specialist at my primary care doctor's office.
     
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I know a couple of woman who are very obese. One of them, a 2 years ago decided she was sick and tired of being sick and tired. She has lost 200 pounds. She has openly shared her journey on FB and something she said was, it always made it worse when people pointed out to her that she had a weight problem and that in turn made her eat more. Through her weight loss journey she has come to understand she is an emotional eater. She is working with a therapist about this issue.
    Your daughter is aware she has a weight problem but she has to be the one who wants to change. All you can do is encourage her to be her best regardless of her size. You might be able to help her find a nice dress online.
    I don't remember if your daughter sees a therapist. If not, would she be willing to see one?
     
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  6. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Brief googling turned up this list of places catering to women size 28 and up, including places with formalwear:

    https://www.fatgirlflow.com/100-places-to-shop-for-plus-size-clothing-part-2/

    Maybe starting to help her look now would be inspiring. But I think the message needs to be: you will be loved, welcome and beautiful regardless of the size you are at the wedding. Trying to lose weight on a deadline when the topic is already so emotionally fraught sounds like a recipe for disaster.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My son is quite overweight. I took him to nutritionists, endocrine doctors and the like. He simply isnt ready to diet.

    We pretty much gave this back to him. We cant control it. And he is going to be in a bridal party next year for his sister's wedding.

    He got a recent check up and was healthy. I guess its up to him. Nomad, there are things we just have to give to them and I think weight control is one. I would pay for surgery if he cared enough to keep off the weight but he isnt motivated.
     
  8. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Be careful ordering formal wear online it often runs very small. I bought a dress for my sons wedding and it wouldn't zip and then the fun began when i tried to return it. I still have it in a box. Maybe i will shrink before my youngest gets married lol.
     
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I don't see any good outcome of your getting involved with this weight thing honestly.

    Just like with anything else in life, anyone can change anything about themselves if that is what THEY truly want!

    I think the only thing you can do is possibly inspire her by leading a healthy lifestyle yourself. Eating right, exercising etc.

    Our youngest son is into fitness now and he said it is because his brother inspired him. I used to try to get him to care about his body but until he came to the realization himself, it was energy and words wasted.

    Good luck!
     
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  10. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.

    I guess what is double frustrating, is somehow, someway...she is very likely to attempt to take this out on me OR attempt to make my life miserable later on...or make everyone around her miserable. This is her pattern. It's annoying as HECK.

    Shopping now, might be a good idea. At least get some clothing ideas...although a purchase might not be wise as she can gain weight by Spring and then any purchase wont fit her.

    She denies eating sweets and then often starts her sentences with: "I was on my way to the ice cream shop, when...." Good grief. It is PATHETIC...I'm so s i c k of this stuff.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Can she shop alone so you can be spared her taking it out on you? Or with a friend or kindly aunt or a more neutral person?
     
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  12. ahhjeez

    ahhjeez Member

    If she has any Torrid stores near her/you she might try checking them out. They have some (while pricey) beautiful things that are trendy and come in a large range of sizes. From lingerie to casual stuff to beautiful dressy outfits. I lost about 40lbs doing low carb but am still plus sized and this is my go to place if I've got to find something dressy/fun for an event.
     
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  13. Smithmom

    Smithmom Member

    Perhaps its money well spent buying now even if you have to buy again in spring? Any diet costs money...yes, I know it shouldn't but....so spend money on dress even if its not worn? Ebay?

    What would be HER motivation to lose weight now? From what you describe, none. So you're wasting your time unless you can find something that would motivate HER.
    So..

    Possibility of boyfriend to be met at wedding?
    Extended vacation at time of wedding?
    New wardrobe?
    And obviously money for every pound lost?

    Wish I could offer you more than sympathy. Taking it out on you would seem to be a whole other problem that requires a whole different approach.
     
  14. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    After I gained a ton of weight on Zyprexa, I started searching online for shops that catered to larger women. While I wound up going with a couple that only went up to size 3-4X, I did discover several places that catered to very obese women. I don't remember the names as I didn't wind up shopping with them, but they had nice styles. I recommend searching for clothing for the obese, and seeing what you find. One other thing, size charts can be useless. I recently ordered a couple of pairs of leggings from Duluth trading company. Measured myself, and ordered according to their size charts. Well...you could have gotten me and my mother (who is short, but not small at all) both into those leggings. I had to send them back and order two sizes down. Most places take 5-10 days to deliver, though usually you can pay extra for expedited delivery.
     
  15. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm short and about 150 pounds overweight. I know I'm fat, and I'm also sick and tired of being sick and tired. Medication side effects and fibromyalgia have left me the perfect storm of stubborn weight and constant pain. What does your daughter want to do? Would she be embarrassed at a wedding looking like an upholstered ox? Or is she really OK with her size? Personally, I'd get out of that discussion and let the chips (no pun intended) fall on her. You already know you can't make her want to get healthy, and you'll most likely receive less than polite comments if you try to be kind. Maybe just lay it out there? Tell her flat out that she's fat and unhealthy, and if she cares about looking good at this wedding, she's got a lot of work ahead of her. Then put on the hard hat to shield yourself from the fallout.

    If she's not interested in getting healthy at this time, Catherine's carries some very nice formal wear up to a 5X.
     
  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I agree with everybody else. In this day and age weight loss is not rocket science. I am old and it is difficult to lose weight but when I wanted to lose some pounds I did so using Keto and intermittent fasting. The thing is I wanted to do it. I did what it took.

    Every single one of us here on the board suffers because we are too much in our children's business, or too identified with their story. And the grief is compounded because our kids use us to "kick the dog" because their lives become unmanageable. And then, they want us (the dog) to solve the problem. This site exists for us to step out of taking responsibility for their stories and step away from being their target.

    Which is to say this: Nomad. Every single one of us feels empathy for you and every single one of us knows in our heart EXACTLY what she will do when she freaks out about the DRESS and BEING FAT. However. There is not one thing that I can see that you can do to avoid this train wreck, except to get out of the way.

    You have anticipated (correctly) what will happen, because you are a thinking person. You feel dread. Because you know you will be her target. This is a stress response. You are beginning to anticipate this DANGER ahead and your body and mind are suffering already. This is something that YOU are doing to you.There is no judgement here. How could I judge? (We KNOW what I am like.)

    If you recognize this, the thoughts that are stressing you out, and if you decide to see that you are doing this to YOU, you can step out of this thinking.

    Einstein said something like this (paraphrased): You cannot solve a problem with the same mind that created it.

    Now. How to do this. I think the first step might be to take some deep breaths and to let the tension drain out of you. Then I think that there could be the recognition that this is really not about you and not your responsibility. Do you personalize a thunder storm? Do you feel responsible for finding the solution to the wind? Do you believe that you are responsible for quieting a rooster that crows every morning?

    I know this is not the same thing.

    My sister was always mean to me. There are many people who betrayed me. Or did things to hurt me. When I think of these things my stomach tightens and my whole body constricts. I think: Why, Why, Why did they do this to me?

    Why do I persist in this? I am foolish. They do this because it is their nature. They want to. They feel they need to. They are indifferent. All of this is about them. Not me.

    It really really is not about me, what my sister has done. I may be one of her targets but why do I have to take it on? There is only so much that can be done to us in this life. There is only one life and one life to give *in this lifetime. Why do I want to give over my life space and heart and precious time to reacting to the bad acts of others? There is a price to be paid by allowing the unreasonable, futile and mean action of others to intrude into our realm. We can define our realm and set boundaries to it. When the negativity enters we can see it for the lesson it is, and decide to let it go.

    We are really not responsible for what others to do us. That is what I wish I had known years ago and how I want to think and be now.
     
  17. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    I got fat after 40. I am having gastric bypass surgery in a couple of months and can't wait to hopefully no longer be a huge fat pig. Perhaps your D can have weight loss surgery? You do have to commit to eating better and less, but all of the people I know who have had the surgery say you just don't feel as hungry.
     
  18. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    I'm a 1-2x depending on mfr and item, but Catherine's has some REALLY nice stuff that is made to remain stylish year to year.

    I got the outfit I wore to my sister's wedding from them, and while it's a bit formal altogether, i can still wear the top or bottom separately on more dressy occasions and look fine and fashionable.

    I also have a couple of tops I got from them, and in addition to looking good, they wear and wash like iron.

    Catherine's can be pricey, but you definitely get what you pay for with them, and if you stick with-classic styles, you can wear the stuff forever.