S
Signorina
Guest
Occupational Therapist (OT),and not SA or difficult child but you guys are my family and I am struggling so. (Long)
I know I've hinted at problems in my family's business; my non working, 75 yo mom owns 88% , my brothers and I own 4% each. I work with both my older bros; the family black sheep bro Oldest) & the seemingly normal one (older) whom I really trusted. I've recently re-entered the business nearly full time despite it being 90 miles away - after taking an 18 year backseat to raise my family. But truthfully- I fled in 1995 because the family dynamic was destroying me.
My brothers are 53 & 52. OldEST brother was a rebellious teen and the family black sheep. He's a Harley driving, "tell it like it is" guy. Just after difficult child went off the rails in 2011, I posted here frantically bc I saw his number on difficult child's phone records and I couldn't imagine he would say anything helpful and I panicked bc I thought he would encourage more rebellion. I was wrong. He reached out to difficult child, he deserves a lot of credit for difficult child's positive growth and his actions were incredibly kind. Frankly I didn't deserve his kindness after years of having a arms length relationship with him. Long story short, we grew close and I am overjoyed to have my brother in my life again.
My oldER brother is the Brooks Brother type, a pseudo intellectual. It is his wife who is my evil sister in law - the one who insisted on being FB bffs with difficult child's girlfriend even after I begged her to cool it. She defriended me & created a huge family schism over it. I trusted oldER brother, he's been running the family biz & I thought we were AOK despite a few bumps .
We have 3 high volume retail stores, 1 city store & 2 suburban. OldEST runs the city store, oldER runs the 'burbs. The stores share a central back office (staff) located in a 'burb store. Last year, we had an issue with our 401k plan that led to oldEST bro asking me to look into the plan & later some accounting snafus which is how I came back to work. OldER bro had essentially isolated oldEST bro from all back office activity & staff supposedly due to oldEST's volatility, which seemed credible at the time.
It turned out that oldER had steadily been increasing his pay since my dad died 5 yrs ago- resulting in a huge pay gap between the two equal partners. OLDer had also messed up our 401k plan tremendously due to neglecting his administrative fiduciary duty. (I cleaned it up but never held him accountable).The original issue was just pure negligence but the resulting major issue was a CYA. It appears at 2nd glance that some of the suburban stores expenses had been shifted to the city store -to make it less profitable & make the 'burbs more profitable ie- make oldER's stores seem more successful.
In Nov, we had an AR hiccup (city store customer) that raised red embezzling flags & oldEST's concern. Bookeeper blamed computer software, software ppl said "not us", CPA couldn't make sense of it. By Feb, it still couldn't be verified and at oldESTs urging, I hired a Loss Prevention company to perform full risk assessments on all 3 stores with my mom's blessing & oldERS knowledge.
Turns out it WAS a software issue. False alarm. Phew! But it shook everyone up. OldER stormed out of the results meeting because he took some of the professional's overall loss prevention recommendations as personal attacks.
3 weeks later, I field a phone call from olDER brother alleging that oldEST bro called 3 of "his" suburban employees (true) and attacked, harassed & verbally abused them over the phone.(false) All 3 made complaints. (False)He went on to state that the female employee had complained that oldEST bro made sexually inappropriate comments in person during an earlier encounter. He said that all 3 STATED they would quit if they ever had to speak to oldEST again & may be considering legal action. What oldER bro didn't know is that I had been present with oldEST bro during the calls & the meetings so I knew with certainty that oldER was lying. I was dumbfounded. OldER had made similar claims against oldEST many times in the past, plus other alleged misconduct- they were always believed by me, & my parents & that's the reason oldEST was still the black sheep & had been basically isolated to the city store & cut off from most business communications.
Long story, but I rehired the Loss prevention expert to investigate the harassment claims. He interviewed everyone involved & verified that no one reported ANY harassment & that none took place. Furthermore, OldER brother denied calling me about it & now claims that I fabricated the entire harassment story report to make him look bad and to get close to my mom so I could gain the family business. While the Loss Prevention investigator believes me & actually said "your brother is a sociopathic liar", his written report only states that he cannot verify the source of the false allegations, he can only verify that no harassment took place. Its my word against oldER bro. I got the report on Fri.
In essence, OldER has been talking trash about OldEST for 20+ years, triangulating our family & now I know it was all likely a manipulation to gain control of the business. He also effectively pushed me out 18 years ago. It's like the light finally turned on and now it all makes sense.
So, basically OlDER threw me under the bus.
OldEST & my mom swear they believe me, but there must be some doubt there. My mom doesn't know what to do, she won't fire oldER bro, and is considering turning over the business TO my brothers just to wash her hands of it. She actually told me today that she was comforted by oldER's call today telling her he loved her & always would no matter what. I replied very snarkily "love is a verb, it's an action; not a just a word." She was not too pleased with my words.
OldEST thinks we can find a way to draw boundaries & work together, but I can't work with someone who lies that boldly just to make me look bad. Plus, he cannot be trusted whatsoever with the financials. Furthermore, oldER has taken his martyr story to his kids & wife. His kids(24,23,19) all cut me out of their lives- 2 on FB too, plus they won't talk to me in person & nephew & oldER are playing martyr & posting Koi platitudes about loyalty & truth as statuses on FB. Nephew just posted a happy mother's day to a list of women, every aunt but me which really hurt. I won't defriend him in hopes of not inflaming this further.(And I won't defriend oldER bro because he doesn't realize that he is automatically checking into places on FB which is how I know he is rarely at work LOL.)
I am not looking for advice. I guess I needed to write it out. Coping skills & suggestions are welcome. I have a feeling this will get worse before better. While I bravely wear my invisible "warrior mom of a difficult child, so bring it on, I can handle it" attitude; inside I am a little sister who just found out that oldER bro IS the bogeyman. I am not able to rise above this.
I know I've hinted at problems in my family's business; my non working, 75 yo mom owns 88% , my brothers and I own 4% each. I work with both my older bros; the family black sheep bro Oldest) & the seemingly normal one (older) whom I really trusted. I've recently re-entered the business nearly full time despite it being 90 miles away - after taking an 18 year backseat to raise my family. But truthfully- I fled in 1995 because the family dynamic was destroying me.
My brothers are 53 & 52. OldEST brother was a rebellious teen and the family black sheep. He's a Harley driving, "tell it like it is" guy. Just after difficult child went off the rails in 2011, I posted here frantically bc I saw his number on difficult child's phone records and I couldn't imagine he would say anything helpful and I panicked bc I thought he would encourage more rebellion. I was wrong. He reached out to difficult child, he deserves a lot of credit for difficult child's positive growth and his actions were incredibly kind. Frankly I didn't deserve his kindness after years of having a arms length relationship with him. Long story short, we grew close and I am overjoyed to have my brother in my life again.
My oldER brother is the Brooks Brother type, a pseudo intellectual. It is his wife who is my evil sister in law - the one who insisted on being FB bffs with difficult child's girlfriend even after I begged her to cool it. She defriended me & created a huge family schism over it. I trusted oldER brother, he's been running the family biz & I thought we were AOK despite a few bumps .
We have 3 high volume retail stores, 1 city store & 2 suburban. OldEST runs the city store, oldER runs the 'burbs. The stores share a central back office (staff) located in a 'burb store. Last year, we had an issue with our 401k plan that led to oldEST bro asking me to look into the plan & later some accounting snafus which is how I came back to work. OldER bro had essentially isolated oldEST bro from all back office activity & staff supposedly due to oldEST's volatility, which seemed credible at the time.
It turned out that oldER had steadily been increasing his pay since my dad died 5 yrs ago- resulting in a huge pay gap between the two equal partners. OLDer had also messed up our 401k plan tremendously due to neglecting his administrative fiduciary duty. (I cleaned it up but never held him accountable).The original issue was just pure negligence but the resulting major issue was a CYA. It appears at 2nd glance that some of the suburban stores expenses had been shifted to the city store -to make it less profitable & make the 'burbs more profitable ie- make oldER's stores seem more successful.
In Nov, we had an AR hiccup (city store customer) that raised red embezzling flags & oldEST's concern. Bookeeper blamed computer software, software ppl said "not us", CPA couldn't make sense of it. By Feb, it still couldn't be verified and at oldESTs urging, I hired a Loss Prevention company to perform full risk assessments on all 3 stores with my mom's blessing & oldERS knowledge.
Turns out it WAS a software issue. False alarm. Phew! But it shook everyone up. OldER stormed out of the results meeting because he took some of the professional's overall loss prevention recommendations as personal attacks.
3 weeks later, I field a phone call from olDER brother alleging that oldEST bro called 3 of "his" suburban employees (true) and attacked, harassed & verbally abused them over the phone.(false) All 3 made complaints. (False)He went on to state that the female employee had complained that oldEST bro made sexually inappropriate comments in person during an earlier encounter. He said that all 3 STATED they would quit if they ever had to speak to oldEST again & may be considering legal action. What oldER bro didn't know is that I had been present with oldEST bro during the calls & the meetings so I knew with certainty that oldER was lying. I was dumbfounded. OldER had made similar claims against oldEST many times in the past, plus other alleged misconduct- they were always believed by me, & my parents & that's the reason oldEST was still the black sheep & had been basically isolated to the city store & cut off from most business communications.
Long story, but I rehired the Loss prevention expert to investigate the harassment claims. He interviewed everyone involved & verified that no one reported ANY harassment & that none took place. Furthermore, OldER brother denied calling me about it & now claims that I fabricated the entire harassment story report to make him look bad and to get close to my mom so I could gain the family business. While the Loss Prevention investigator believes me & actually said "your brother is a sociopathic liar", his written report only states that he cannot verify the source of the false allegations, he can only verify that no harassment took place. Its my word against oldER bro. I got the report on Fri.
In essence, OldER has been talking trash about OldEST for 20+ years, triangulating our family & now I know it was all likely a manipulation to gain control of the business. He also effectively pushed me out 18 years ago. It's like the light finally turned on and now it all makes sense.
So, basically OlDER threw me under the bus.
OldEST & my mom swear they believe me, but there must be some doubt there. My mom doesn't know what to do, she won't fire oldER bro, and is considering turning over the business TO my brothers just to wash her hands of it. She actually told me today that she was comforted by oldER's call today telling her he loved her & always would no matter what. I replied very snarkily "love is a verb, it's an action; not a just a word." She was not too pleased with my words.
OldEST thinks we can find a way to draw boundaries & work together, but I can't work with someone who lies that boldly just to make me look bad. Plus, he cannot be trusted whatsoever with the financials. Furthermore, oldER has taken his martyr story to his kids & wife. His kids(24,23,19) all cut me out of their lives- 2 on FB too, plus they won't talk to me in person & nephew & oldER are playing martyr & posting Koi platitudes about loyalty & truth as statuses on FB. Nephew just posted a happy mother's day to a list of women, every aunt but me which really hurt. I won't defriend him in hopes of not inflaming this further.(And I won't defriend oldER bro because he doesn't realize that he is automatically checking into places on FB which is how I know he is rarely at work LOL.)
I am not looking for advice. I guess I needed to write it out. Coping skills & suggestions are welcome. I have a feeling this will get worse before better. While I bravely wear my invisible "warrior mom of a difficult child, so bring it on, I can handle it" attitude; inside I am a little sister who just found out that oldER bro IS the bogeyman. I am not able to rise above this.
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)) Big hugs!!!!
