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ODD ADHD why did I have kids?
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<blockquote data-quote="Exhaustedmommy" data-source="post: 713419" data-attributes="member: 21923"><p>I have struggled with depression and anxiety all my life. My doctor is watching me, in fact he just increased one medication not too long ago.</p><p>My 8 yr old is in 4H. She was supposed to show my horse this year. My mornings with my horse included her as I was teaching her. Even though I wasn't alone it was like a breath of fresh air......or poopy air lol. I would come home and be happy for hours. We are searching for a horse my daughter can use for show this year. I am hoping that will soothe my broken heart. I know I could ask folks at the barn and we would have an outpour of support but I can't bring myself to go out there. My mom is contacting some family friends to see if anybody could help us. </p><p>My 8 yr old that has ADHD has been to doctors but the medications just turned her into a zombie. She stopped smiling and it just wasn't her. With working with the horse and we got her into archery, she has improved a great deal.</p><p>I don't like therapists. My mother had me bouncing from therapist to therapist since I was little. They get paid to sit and listen to you and if you say the wrong thing (whether you mean it or not) you find yourself sitting in a psychiatric hospital or with cops on your door threatening to take your kids away. Not to mention I was raised with the whole crying is a sign of weakness belief. Now I do know it is not true however it doesn't change that the belief is ingrained into me. I don't cry in front of people but I can cry into my horse's mane, tell him everything, and scream I just want to die and all he does is stand there and comfort me. No judging, no cops, no doctors, nothing just comfort. The fact is it doesn't matter if I want to die or not because I am not allowed to. I have children so I am not allowed to die. Unfortunately you can not tell a therapist that you want to die and throw in that you would never actually do it because they stop listening at the words I want to die. If the unforseen happens I will stand in front of St. Peter and inform him that he has to send me back because my kids and my husband need me. It is that need that keeps me going in my darkest hours, it is what makes me seek other options such as crying into my horse's mane. In the nearly 30 years that I have struggled with depression there is one thing that I have learneed, death isn't that great. All it does is hurt those that love us. Not to mention there is a great debate on if suicide is an unforgivable sin. I don't want to take that chance. I want to see my loved ones when I go. And yes I believe my horse is waiting for me.</p><p>Sorry for the rant. It is stuff that has been circling in my head for years. </p><p>On a lighter note, my doctor and I have discussed about how a week or two in the psychiatric hospital might make for a good vacation lol. No cooking, no cleaning, no screaming children lmao.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Exhaustedmommy, post: 713419, member: 21923"] I have struggled with depression and anxiety all my life. My doctor is watching me, in fact he just increased one medication not too long ago. My 8 yr old is in 4H. She was supposed to show my horse this year. My mornings with my horse included her as I was teaching her. Even though I wasn't alone it was like a breath of fresh air......or poopy air lol. I would come home and be happy for hours. We are searching for a horse my daughter can use for show this year. I am hoping that will soothe my broken heart. I know I could ask folks at the barn and we would have an outpour of support but I can't bring myself to go out there. My mom is contacting some family friends to see if anybody could help us. My 8 yr old that has ADHD has been to doctors but the medications just turned her into a zombie. She stopped smiling and it just wasn't her. With working with the horse and we got her into archery, she has improved a great deal. I don't like therapists. My mother had me bouncing from therapist to therapist since I was little. They get paid to sit and listen to you and if you say the wrong thing (whether you mean it or not) you find yourself sitting in a psychiatric hospital or with cops on your door threatening to take your kids away. Not to mention I was raised with the whole crying is a sign of weakness belief. Now I do know it is not true however it doesn't change that the belief is ingrained into me. I don't cry in front of people but I can cry into my horse's mane, tell him everything, and scream I just want to die and all he does is stand there and comfort me. No judging, no cops, no doctors, nothing just comfort. The fact is it doesn't matter if I want to die or not because I am not allowed to. I have children so I am not allowed to die. Unfortunately you can not tell a therapist that you want to die and throw in that you would never actually do it because they stop listening at the words I want to die. If the unforseen happens I will stand in front of St. Peter and inform him that he has to send me back because my kids and my husband need me. It is that need that keeps me going in my darkest hours, it is what makes me seek other options such as crying into my horse's mane. In the nearly 30 years that I have struggled with depression there is one thing that I have learneed, death isn't that great. All it does is hurt those that love us. Not to mention there is a great debate on if suicide is an unforgivable sin. I don't want to take that chance. I want to see my loved ones when I go. And yes I believe my horse is waiting for me. Sorry for the rant. It is stuff that has been circling in my head for years. On a lighter note, my doctor and I have discussed about how a week or two in the psychiatric hospital might make for a good vacation lol. No cooking, no cleaning, no screaming children lmao. [/QUOTE]
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