Of course she did

[PatriotsGirl]

difficult child just called me. Wrecked the car. Claimed she was going down a hill, lost control and hit a tree on the driver's side. Lovely. I asked her if the car was drivable and she said not right now. I told her the car is gone. She has no money for any repairs and I am not paying a dime. Even if her deductible is $500 she won't have that. I should have sold the car. I am so ticked off at my own stupidity for thinking it would help her.

On the bright side, she asked me for the detective's number so she could call him. Hopefully this means that he will stop calling me.

Car gone and boyfriend gone for a very long time....is bottom coming??? Probably not... :/

 

[susiestar]

PG, you need to stop beating yourself up for giving her the car. You gave her the car to give her a chance to help herself. what she did wth the car is NOT on you. She is an adult just like you are. What she did/does with the car is on HER. At least as long as the title wasn't in your name, which I pray it isn't.

It is easy to be upset with ourselves for something like this but it isn't helpful or productive. You gave her an opportunity, she wasted it, that is on HER. You need to remember this when she wants something from you in the future, but you are NOT responsible for what she did with the vehicle.

Why not put the blame for her actions where it belongs, which is on HER shoulders and not yours? Maybe you should talk with someone about why you are taking blame for her actions to figure out what this is doing for you and how to handle it in a more healthy way? This is only a suggestion, and I hope it isn't overstepping.

It is easy to think that if we had done this or not done that then our addict would have done/not done the other thing. All that does is allow the addict to not take full responsibility. It isn't fair to us OR to the addict.

You are a very loving mom and I know it is hard.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Well, she called the detective and then wouldn't cooperate. I called her and tried to talk some sense into her, but she wouldn't tell me anything and then told me not to call her again and called me the C word. I just suspended her cell service for that one.

The car is totalled. What a waste!!! She tried playing the victim card. "But, I was just in an accident!" Hmpf. Wouldn't surprise me if she did it on purpose to get the insurance check for it thinking she will just get another one.

I need to get off this roller coaster yet again and as much as I hate to say it, I need to ignore my child right now. Her antics are not doing me one bit of good with my health right now.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

PG, you need to stop beating yourself up for giving her the car. You gave her the car to give her a chance to help herself. what she did wth the car is NOT on you. She is an adult just like you are. What she did/does with the car is on HER. At least as long as the title wasn't in your name, which I pray it isn't.

It is easy to be upset with ourselves for something like this but it isn't helpful or productive. You gave her an opportunity, she wasted it, that is on HER. You need to remember this when she wants something from you in the future, but you are NOT responsible for what she did with the vehicle.

Why not put the blame for her actions where it belongs, which is on HER shoulders and not yours? Maybe you should talk with someone about why you are taking blame for her actions to figure out what this is doing for you and how to handle it in a more healthy way? This is only a suggestion, and I hope it isn't overstepping.

It is easy to think that if we had done this or not done that then our addict would have done/not done the other thing. All that does is allow the addict to not take full responsibility. It isn't fair to us OR to the addict.

You are a very loving mom and I know it is hard.

Thank you for this and I know you are right. I am just so sick and tired of getting my hopes up to only have them backfire in my face. I told her not to call me again or show up at my house until she is off drugs and clean. I am just done. I have nothing left to give her. I will always love her, but right now, I want absolutely nothing to do with her. According to her the A hole is being released today. They deserve eachother.

 

[Nancy]

PG she is upping the ante. She doesn't know what else to do so she is doing everything destructive. She isn't thinking clearly and she is obviously under the influence of something. This sounds like a rerun of so many times with my difficult child when she was at her worst. Make yourself unavailable. It is what it is and she is going to have to figure this out herself. Hopefully her bottom is coming soon but in the meantime turn your phone off and go about your business. I know you probably think it's easy for me to say because I'm not living it but I have lived it and there were honestly times like this that for my own sanity I needed to block it all out. I got caught up in her insanity too, turned her phone off as if that would make her say "I give". Nothing I did changed anything. I know this is the hardest thing in the world for you to do, ignore your daughter, but she has to go this alone. She knows where help is and how to get it.

I'm thinking of you and sending hugs,
Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

PG she is upping the ante. She doesn't know what else to do so she is doing everything destructive. She isn't thinking clearly and she is obviously under the influence of something. This sounds like a rerun of so many times with my difficult child when she was at her worst. Make yourself unavailable. It is what it is and she is going to have to figure this out herself. Hopefully her bottom is coming soon but in the meantime turn your phone off and go about your business. I know you probably think it's easy for me to say because I'm not living it but I have lived it and there were honestly times like this that for my own sanity I needed to block it all out. I got caught up in her insanity too, turned her phone off as if that would make her say "I give". Nothing I did changed anything. I know this is the hardest thing in the world for you to do, ignore your daughter, but she has to go this alone. She knows where help is and how to get it.

I'm thinking of you and sending hugs,
Nancy

Thank you Nancy. That is exactly the point I am at right now as sad as that is. I just don't want anything to do with her in this state any longer. I just can't.

She didn't destroy the car for insurance money. She only had liability, so she is done. No more car and no insurance check for it. Didn't even last a month...

 

[AnnieO]

Sweetheart, I'm sending all my calming thoughts and detachment vibes to you... It is SO hard.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Well, I did it. I suspended service on her line. Her line expires next month and at that point, I will cancel the line altogether. Going to end up saving me over 30 bucks a month. Think I will use it as my "do something for me" money.

She has somehow gotten another cell of her own anyway.

She has informed me that I am dead to her. Of any of our fights, she has never said that. Oh and she called me the C name again. A little sprinkling on top I guess.

Oh and to make my day complete, A hole made bond today. I looked up his FB page out of curiousity and he is back with the ex-girlfriend who has all of a sudden found God and is posting nothing but scripture. Interesting...A hole said he used to "pastor" children for five years...it is like a soap opera but I need to remove myself now and get back to work.

Wonder what else the day will bring...

 

[AnnieO]

think i will use it as my "do something for me" money.

yes!!!

 

[Signorina]

Add me to the list of board friends SHOUTING "PG YOU NEED TO STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP OVER THIS!!"

The car was given to her from the heart; with hopes that it would literally be her vehicle out of the mess she IS making of her life. DO NOT be ticked at yourself; be ticked at your daughter.

Period. End of sentence.

and lots and lots of {{{hugs}}}

 

[Tiredof33]

When my son was about her age I had bought him an older car to drive to work. It had a flat tire and he left it at a fast food restaurant and it was towed. $300 to get it out - I was furious but it stayed in the compound.

I have found free is not appreciated. Just like her already having another cell phone - if they want something bad enough they will find a way.

My difficult child's last difficult child relationship told me I had all of this and my difficult child has nothing - I WORKED FOR IT!

Doing something for yourself is a wonderful idea.
(((huggs and blessings for us all)))

 

[Calamity Jane]

PG,
I think you're doing great. Just a side note---how is easy child holding up through all of this? Does he hear difficult child call you the c-word, etc.?

 

[buddy]

Love that you will use the money for yourself! Sending more calming and healing vibes.....

 

[pinevalley]

PG: Oh my, you have had a horrible day! I am sending you more healing vibes (just like Buddy) for serenity and calm in the days ahead.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

PG,
I think you're doing great. Just a side note---how is easy child holding up through all of this? Does he hear difficult child call you the c-word, etc.?

No, this was on the phone when easy child was at school.

I am not as angry today. Anger makes it so much easier. Her words keep ringing in my ears - "you are dead to me".

And of course, husband decides now is a great time to be a complete donkey butt. He was a jerk last night because easy child and I got a little loud joking around in the kitchen while he was trying to work and no better this morning. I actually broke a sugar cannister this morning after slamming it down. I was so mad. I WISH he was out of town this week because right now, I don't want him around me. Between the diverticulitis, this cold/flu that he gave me and the garbage with difficult child, I just can't take anymore. My only light is my easy child. He is the only thing that makes me smile these days...

 

[FlowerGarden]

I am hoping you follow through and spend the 30 dollars on yourself. You certainly deserve to do something fun!

 

[toughlovin]

Yes spend the money on yourself!! I agree anger is easier. Try not to let her words ring in your ears...she knows how to hurt you and she will use it to manipulate your emotions....since she is using she is not thinking clearly. A friend once said to me that when a drug addict is using their primary relationship is with their drug....they cannot have a healthy relationship with you while that is going on.

It is really hard not to get caught up in her drama....so step back for now and do nothing except take care of yourself.

TL

 

[PatriotsGirl]

She tried calling yesterday. I didn't answer. I am still dealing with this diverticulitis and just don't feel like dealing with her chaos, too. I did send her a text this morning telling her that if she had called just to call me names or berate me any further to not bother. My health stinks right now and I am not making it worse dealing with her chaotic drama. I just don't have it in me right now. I think I need to download that caller app that someone mentioned.

 

[everywoman]

Mr. Number works well. You plug in the # and it goes to voice mail or hangs up on the caller.