of Saw difficult child in jail last nightnk

[toughlovin]

And the whole thing breaks my heart and has me struggling to remember to look forward, not backward, and to not get into blaming myself somehow.

Right now he is really angry and hates the world (his words). We talked and of course we do not know exactly what will happen on Tuesday. My hope is they force him into long term treatment.... however he is saying if he is locked up it will be pointless!

In the conversation I asked what it was that made him just always break the rules.... and he lashed out at me and told me it was because of all the rules we had when we he was growing up, ie how much tv he could watch etc etc. I mean come on that is ridiculous and one reason we had the rules we did was that he always always always pushed all the limits and so we had to set limits!! He also at one point told me that a lot of this was largely our fault because in 9th grade we sent him to wilderness and this Residential Treatment Center (RTC).... that lots of kids did what he did and didnt get sent to treatment! That is what kind of hung me up because a part of me does wonder if that was the right thing to do..... but then I look back and if nothing else I think it saved my daughter. After he was out of the house she bloomed and we got close...she had been starting to withdraw from all the stress. And really at that point he was out of contrrol and we did not know what else to do! I said to him for goodness sake you were sniffing gasoline!!! He laughed and looked at me like I was crazy but we had literally found the gas cap off and later on he did admit it!!! Holy cow I think he would have ended up dead.

I called his girlfriend (not actually sure she is a girl friend at this point in time). We had a long talk. She told me a lot of stuff that is pretty disturbing about stuff he has done and their relationship. I do like her and he has clearly lied a lot to both of us so that neither of us can believe anything he says. He told her we were abusive and that his father would use his belt on him (so not true it is unbelievable). He has also confided in her and told her a lot of things he has done that I suspected. He is really messed up and i just hope the court will get him help...and that somehow he will come around to taking it.

She and I talked about the times she has tried to rescue him (ie her mother brought him back from FL a ccouple of years ago without talking to us). I suggestd she go to alanon and invited her to come with us.... and she agreed she would talk to us before providing any help to him in the future.

So that part is good I think. I feel bad for her in a way because really she should just stay away from him and I told her if he was not my son that would be my advice. Right now I think she may help motivate him but in the end he has to do this for himself and not for her.

So I am feeling a bit down today.

*TL

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Oh hon, perfectly normal right now. My difficult child hated the world, too. Blamed absolutely everything on me and I took a couple nasty calls from her. My husband kept saying give her thirty days...and after 28, it was like a switch went off....she is no longer filled with hate, not blaming anyone but herself, etc.
Now we are at a point where I want them to get her into treatment before she gets used to being in there and decides it isn't so bad. :-(
But, my advice? Back off and give him the thirty days...I bet you will see a change in attitude then...
(((hugs)))

 

[Zardo]

In my difficult child's times of anger and denial - he claims similar things - we were too strict - we pushed him to be this way - sent him to Wilderness for things other parents look the other way at etc. The truth of the matter is that my difficult child has been totally out of control since the summer before freshman year. Like you, when we sent him to Wilderness we had no other option. Mind you, he had been expelled form public school and was on his way to the same fate in the private school. The gaul of them thinking that they can stay in your home and subject your family to total disregard for any boundary or rule that is in their best interest is beyond me. When we sent him away - we had tried multiple times in many ways to intervene - NOTHING WAS WORKING. He needed more help and we needed a break and a professional perspective. After 2 years of different forms of treatment, I do think he understands betternow - although not always able to act on what he knows. At one point this past year, the IOP lead was asking me to "back off" a bit - difficult child talked a lot about being sent away and feeling different that other kids. It was really just a deflection ploy as his use was worse than ever and I was onto it. Be careful what you choose to "accept" that he says. His choices are his - all kids get grounded and have limits - for most - they may get frustrated but they deal with it. For ours, it give them and excuse to "strike back" or something to blame for their choices. The truth is that he has created his own situation. When he understands that he will figure out a way to live differently.

 

[Signorina]

TL, my son too had a girlfriend who was very similar. IIRC, Nancy had a similar situation and PG is going thru that now. My sons girlfriend was a doll in many ways, well intentioned perhaps, but also 16 going on 30 aka "Sex In the City" from the day they met. Her parents who live in our neighborhood, went from being our friends to being strangers the day our difficult child left our home. (Her parents- who are 10 years older than us- were stereotypical baby boomer, free spirit, be your kids friend instead of a parent, no curfew, open bar, type people. )I can only imagine the fictional horror stories of abuse he must have told them to have them cut us off so completely. He lived with them over breaks, and most of last summer, vacationed with them, spent holidays there. After enabling him for a year, his girlfriend dumped him abruptly at the end of the summer. I can only surmise that reality set in and it wasn't the fantasy independent, "lovers against the world" life she imagined. Quite frankly, I think she out grew him. I thank my lucky stars that she came to her senses -- because if she hadn't dumped him-- I am sure we'd still be spinning our wheels.

I think the hardest part is knowing that this person stands in between you and your difficult child. To realize that your beloved child is letting this person (among others) be their guidance and that he is discarding the parental bond, the 20 + year history of you doing right by him and all common sense to follow them. I can remember wanting to tell the girlfriend that she had no idea what she was getting into and that she should run far away from difficult child and boys like him. She was way in over her head and I worried about her. At the same time, I wanted to clobber her & I really resented her because her enabling & her hold on my son was NOT HELPFUL.

So, making her your ally may help a lot. It would be even better if she went NC with your son, but that doesn't seem likely right now. I hope that al anon will help her. Rumor is that my sons (ex) girlfriend's dad has an active drinking problem which may explain why my sons's girlfriend was so enabling. M I hope that your difficult child has enough jail time to get him to a place where sober thinking sets in and he is clear headed and willing to do what's best for him.

I am sorry you are so down and I really hope brighter days are ahead. {{{hugs}}}

 

[Kathy813]

In the conversation I asked what it was that made him just always break the rules.... and he lashed out at me and told me it was because of all the rules we had when we he was growing up, ie how much tv he could watch etc etc. I mean come on that is ridiculous and one reason we had the rules we did was that he always always always pushed all the limits and so we had to set limits!! He also at one point told me that a lot of this was largely our fault because in 9th grade we sent him to wilderness and this Residential Treatment Center (RTC).... that lots of kids did what he did and didnt get sent to treatment!

Oh, please. He is an adult now. It is time for him to stop blaming everyone else and start taking responsibility for his actions and recovery.

You did what you had to do at the time and you did it out of love. Don't let him put this on you.

~Kathy

 

[FlowerGarden]

difficult children always blame everyone else but themselves for their problems. It isn't your fault that you set rules, etc. Sorry you are feeling down about everything. Hugs to you and positive thoughts being sent your way.

 

[AmericanGirl]

TL,

I'm so sorry but I think you talking with her about Al-anon is a wonderful thing and I admire you for it.

Remember those "I'm with Stupid" t shirts? My difficult child wears a "It's all her fault" one with an arrow pointing directly at me.

Most of the things we are blamed for don't even make sense. Mine told his exgf that we had to move from our home and that our clothes were stolen by heroin addicts. Really?!? Like she can't easily find out that's all lies.

Mine is telling everyone the same things your difficult child told you. That my rules caused him to be the way he is. That I smothered him and tried to control him and it is all my fault

I must be the world's wrost controller cause I failed at controlling difficult child's life as it is firmly in the ditch.\

Sending you hugs and admiration for doing the right thing.

 

[DDD]

Sorry you are feeling down, TL, but truthfully I would be more worried if you were feeling up. Not trying to be funny but the truth of the matter is that you are in the midst of worry, confusion, fear, disappointment etc. etc. Many of us have been there done that. You are strong. Take it "one day at a time". Hugs DDD

 

[busywend]

Yes, Kathy! Say it!

He may very well believe what he says....that does not make it factual. He is messed up. Everything, even wilderness, has been an attempt to help him. He may never see that, but you certainly should not allow his version to cast doubt on your actions!

 

[Nancy]

I'm sorry TL. It's hard but don't let what he says make you think for one minute this has anything to do with your rules. He just isn't ready to take responsibility for his own failings