Witz,
I think you need a huge hug first of all. I read about your dream and that was about one of the worst dreams/nightmares I think anyone has ever posted here about their child. I have no clue what it's deeper meaning is, but I can tell you that HP movies ALWAYS give me nightmares for days after I watch them. Even re-runs on TV. Little comfort I know. I'm so sorry this has affected you, but I understand the heartbreak of watching your child fall apart, year after year thinking they're pulling it together, hoping, dreaming, almost there - taking just a small breath and then they make an announcement like this and it IS a nightmare. You start questioning what it ALL was for. The years of work, all the help, all the time. I too have thought this, then I think - without ALL that we had done - exactly where would they HAVE been? And I must answer - WAY worse off than they are, in prison or perhaps dead. I know what dead child feels like, I used to think it would be better - it is not. Even bad day, worst day is better than that. So despite having setbacks? He's doing better than he would have without no help.
With regards to BiPolarism? I know so many people that are. With medication or rather with the RIGHT medication I would hardly EVER, ever know. When I'm told? It's always a shock. Without? It's never a question, but I think the dog nose to tail of the disorder is as others have said - When I feel good? I think why take this? Then I don't and I'm bad again and hardly know I need it. It has got to be hell. I think Janets statement of finding the right medications and balancing it out knowing you have it, need medications and staying on it - is the key. So M just needs to find the key.
I don't think your depression is selfish either. Death of dreams is harder sometimes than death period, but having to constantly readjust our perceptions is hardest of all. We think our kids have it in reach and then it's not - they do, they don't they do, they don't. It's a constant struggle watching them ALMOST reach a goal. IT never gets easier for them or us. WE will always love them -no matter what, no matter how much we detach. Love does not detach. Enabling detaches.
Just know you're in my thoughts.
Hugs & Love
Star