Off the grid again

[Lil]

I have friends that have close loving relationships with their sons and I quietly watch the interaction and am really unable to comprehend it but am in awe of it. I do not harbor any feelings of jealousy, I am truly happy for them. I would not wish what I have endured with my son on anyone.

You are so much stronger than I am. I am not in awe of other mothers...I'm torn apart by jealousy. I'm eaten up with envy. I would give this burden ... this relationship ... this child ... to ANYONE to have what they have. I'd give it to my best friend; to my brother. I'm so tired of hurting...so tired of being disappointed...so tired of tears and regrets and sorrow. And he's only 19. There are times I truly don't know how I will survive to see him 21.

It's one of those days where the tears just seem to flow of their own accord.

Sorry Tanya...sometimes I feel like a g.f.g...with the "it's all about me" attitude. I hope that FB alert goes off soon and yours is back on the radar. While half (3/4?) of the time I wish I'd never hear from him...not knowing would be harder.

 

[Tanya M]

Quote from Lil: (I don't know why the quote thing won't work any more from my work computer)
Sorry Tanya...sometimes I feel like a g.f.g...with the "it's all about me" attitude. I hope that FB alert goes off soon and yours is back on the radar. While half (3/4?) of the time I wish I'd never hear from him...not knowing would be harder.

@Lil you have nothing to apologize for. I'm just a lot farther along in this journey. My son is 33 and I've been dealing with his chaos since he was 14. There was a time I was very jealous of others. I don't know when that stopped but it's been a long time. It really just comes down to acceptance. I have so much in my life to be grateful for and that is what I try to hold onto; "the what I have is sufficient" not "the what if's"

Hugs to you Lil. I know where you are in all of this and I also know where you can be down the road. I won't lie, there will always be a part of my heart that aches but it's only a part as I have so much to offer and live for in this life.

 

[Lil]

Hugs to you Lil. I know where you are in all of this and I also know where you can be down the road. I won't lie, there will always be a part of my heart that aches but it's only a part as I have so much to offer and live for in this life.

I'll get there. It comes and goes. Today is just kind of a bad day.

 

[2much2recover]

Once again, my heart is breaking. Through all the chaos and heartbreak I will always love my son. He is my one and only child.

I will continue to live my life and do my best to make the most of it. Hubby and I are leaving in a week for Antigua. I find sitting on the beach and watching the waves to be very therapeutic.

Thanks warrior parents for listening and caring.

How heartbreaking! I think that being able to love our child even though everything we have been through with them AND even when we are forced to make the tough choices, is very hard for others to understand. Sometimes I think people think WE are the monsters because we don't have contact with our child. NO! We love them with our whole heart no matter what the circumstances. We just can't wake up some day and stop being mom. It's a very rocky road for a mom's heart.

I like that you and your husband are getting away for a while - anything that's therapeutic - the beach...................
I hope your son resurfaces soon so you can regain some peace of mind.

 

[HeadlightsMom]

And then, there came that first, little "That isn't true." And that is where we begin reclaiming our integrity, I think.

Cedar --- I just love "conversating" with you! You are insightful and just wonderful to share your insights in just the way you do! You have a gift with words!

Like a jigsaw puzzle with most of the pieces missing. So, only part of the edge of the jigsaw was in place and my son had chosen to throw away a lot of the middle, maybe because it was too hard to do, or he didn't like the picture, or it didn't fit in with the jigsaw he has in his head of the sort of person he is and why he is that sort of person.

LucyJ --- Thanks for sharing your experience and perceptions. The analogy to a jigsaw puzzle is just terrific. True, true, true that. Sometimes it's easy for me to see what I perceive to be our son's missing pieces of jigsaw puzzle. But I'd bet I'd be surprised to hear his FULL, UNEDITED version of events. I may not be aware of all sorts of "pieces" in his self-created jigsaw puzzle. Interesting that you got to see your son's in such detail. More helpful or more surprising?

And, you know, on the flip side, makes me wonder how many people might be surprised if I publicly pieced my own self-created jigsaw puzzle in front of them (like, say, the reporter did with your son). I wonder how many of us are aware of how we're perceived......or not? For example, I'm always surprised how many of my co-workers have told me they're surprised to see me cry. That shocks me, because I cry often -- in sadness, sure. But also in joy, in beauty, in poetry, in Soul's Eye moments. My eyes are leaky. But I guess our circumstances (like workplace, etc) sometimes conceal what we think are obvious sides of us. Not so.

LucyJ -- Thanks for this bit.......think I'll be contemplating it all day now. Good stuff!