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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 649624" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>One of the most hurtful things I learned to accept as true within the past year, here on the site, was how coldly manipulative my children can be. Especially after things have been quiet for a time, I relax around those issues of self protection, those places where I am vulnerable and can still be hurt and thus, manipulated.</p><p></p><p>Or can be made vulnerable to manipulation, which is sometimes even worse because then I have to make myself see all the ugliness of what is true all over again before I can rename myself someone decent.</p><p></p><p>That is what it gets to be, for me.</p><p></p><p>I am so horrified to know what has happened. It...I don't know. It feels like, when I am tottering along in a pretty good place relative to what has happened, the kids up the ante. It is like they are rubbing my face in their failures and their hurt. </p><p></p><p>The awful thing about it is that I am betraying them.</p><p></p><p>I am not the mother ~ not to them, and not for me ~ that I believed in, that I wanted to be, for me, and for them and for the sake of my family history.</p><p></p><p>But I have to betray myself and my kids and that dream, now. I have to, and you do too Tanya, balance along a thin ledge, a tightrope almost, over an abyss. Falling off on one side will find us enmeshed in enabling and spiraling into that kind hell. Falling off on the other side will find us petrified into some kind of judging figure of a person made of stone, bitter and righteous.</p><p></p><p>In both cases, in every case where we slip off that narrow place that is safety for us, and sanity, we will begin a jangling, meaningless spiral with no end. I have had to climb out of those places, before.</p><p></p><p>I know you have had to, too.</p><p></p><p>But we have one another, now. We can recognize ourselves in one anothers stories and somehow, that helps pull us through the confusion of it. </p><p></p><p>It is so much harder, when we have been shaken into those lost little feelings of sadness and disbelief. I imagine it is the same for the kids. They probably cannot believe this has happened to them, either. All at once, they are waking up in their late twenties or early thirties.</p><p></p><p>Maybe that is why they try to hurt us. Looking for some kind of comfort, or for someone to blame, or for someone to somehow make it alright?</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 649624, member: 17461"] One of the most hurtful things I learned to accept as true within the past year, here on the site, was how coldly manipulative my children can be. Especially after things have been quiet for a time, I relax around those issues of self protection, those places where I am vulnerable and can still be hurt and thus, manipulated. Or can be made vulnerable to manipulation, which is sometimes even worse because then I have to make myself see all the ugliness of what is true all over again before I can rename myself someone decent. That is what it gets to be, for me. I am so horrified to know what has happened. It...I don't know. It feels like, when I am tottering along in a pretty good place relative to what has happened, the kids up the ante. It is like they are rubbing my face in their failures and their hurt. The awful thing about it is that I am betraying them. I am not the mother ~ not to them, and not for me ~ that I believed in, that I wanted to be, for me, and for them and for the sake of my family history. But I have to betray myself and my kids and that dream, now. I have to, and you do too Tanya, balance along a thin ledge, a tightrope almost, over an abyss. Falling off on one side will find us enmeshed in enabling and spiraling into that kind hell. Falling off on the other side will find us petrified into some kind of judging figure of a person made of stone, bitter and righteous. In both cases, in every case where we slip off that narrow place that is safety for us, and sanity, we will begin a jangling, meaningless spiral with no end. I have had to climb out of those places, before. I know you have had to, too. But we have one another, now. We can recognize ourselves in one anothers stories and somehow, that helps pull us through the confusion of it. It is so much harder, when we have been shaken into those lost little feelings of sadness and disbelief. I imagine it is the same for the kids. They probably cannot believe this has happened to them, either. All at once, they are waking up in their late twenties or early thirties. Maybe that is why they try to hurt us. Looking for some kind of comfort, or for someone to blame, or for someone to somehow make it alright? Cedar [/QUOTE]
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