Off the wagon, again....

[rejectedmom]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Mikey</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

I did have one thought, though. Summer was already going to suck for us, but is only about a month away. Should I wait to play the tough-love card until after the school year is over? That way, he can't sabotage his grades (and himself) to retaliate against us, and he'll be settled into his new 800.00/month job (which he could lose if we wanted to, uh, "be nasty" about it).

Should I play damage control for another four weeks? In all honesty, if he keeps up this current trend once school is out his behavior probably won't be much different whether we punch his privilges ticket or not. But at least he'll have more to lose, and can't deliberately hurt himself to get back at us.

Unless things get DRAMATICALLY worse (and even now they aren't as bad as they were late last year), I think we can ride out another four weeks (teeth gritting, eyes squinting, fists balled, etc...)

:grrr:

Thoughts?

Mikey</div></div>

so basically you are saying you are willing to ride things out till the end of the school year so there are no major consequences for his actions? Tell me please how is that going to help him get off the pot and start respecting you? -RM

 

[hearthope]

I have one suggestion ~~

Guess the weight of all the pot you took from him
this past weekend.

Call YOUR local police dept and just ask what the charges would be if a 17 yr old was found to have this on his person.


There will be no 800 dollar a mth job, There will be no reason for a car, there will not be four more weeks of school


If your son is facing charges and jail time

You will then only fret over do we get him out or leave him to learn a lesson

Do we hire an attorney to get him out of trouble or let the judge send him to treatment

He will get caught, maybe today maybe next week. Teens TALK to one another ALOT, there are many teens that know what your son is doing, only one has to tell his parents and they do the right thing and call the police

 

[hearthope]

Not picking ~~ Just thinking

Say you have kidney disease

You go to your family doctor, he sends you to a specialist

The specialist says treatment now or you will lose your kidneys

Would you spend the time to search and research where you got the disease from? Or would you take the treatment and save your life?

 

[mom_in_training]

Mikey, Been thinking about your post regarding your betty crocker difficult child. I say this of course knowing that no matter which way you go it is a gamble. Bottom line, Why would you as parents not call the police when he was found baking his pot laced goodies. Just my opinion but despite you and your wife providing all of the needed tools you are just letting him do whatever he wants anyway. And yes I am aware of his improvements in some other areas from reading your posts as well as some rules that you have in place that he has been abiding by. He will continue doing whatever the he** he wants to so long as he is getting away with it. You have already lost his respect so what is there to lose as far as your relationship with him. If he had any respect for you as his parent he would have never even thought to do his baking right there in YOUR HOME. Stop coddling him and let natural consequences take place.... That alone could very well be what he needs as a wake-up call. This might be harsh but I already know that you are going to come back with excuses for not taking action regarding your difficult children illegal drug use. Its pretty black and white, Either your anti-drug or not. If it is not acceptable to you then stop footing around about it and take action, Let the cards fall where they will!! You have had much input from others here that have been there done that with a difficult child that has chosen the path of drugs but you don't seem to be hearing them when it comes down to the seriousness of just smoking pot. Pot is factually known to be the gateway drug to bigger things. Regardless of how you handle your situation I hope that it all works out. My thinking too is that if something you are doing is not working then its time to do something different.

 

[KFld]

Wow!!! That's like 7 years ago DDD. Now I feel old :smile:

We did meet that long ago though on an ADHD message board, and our biggest concerns then were how our boys were going to make it through middle school and move onto highschool and concentrate and do their homework?????

Boy what I would give for those to be our only worries about them now.

The point we are trying to get across is that it all started so simple and we hoped it wouldn't get worse, but it eventually exploded. We did try everything in our power to get them through the small stuff, but in the end they made their own choices, no matter what we wanted them to be.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im gonna chime in here too. My son ONLY smokes pot. He is now sitting in jail. He swears he will never smoke it again and I pray that is true. I looked the other way because it was "only" pot and hell, we smoked it when we were kids and plenty of people I know smoke pot and carry on normal productive lives. My son cannot do this.

difficult child's cannot do this. They simply cannot.

I am going to be point blank here. Dont be your sons friend now be his father. You can be his friend when he is an adult. Set the rules and dont let him flop his big toe over them. Better he learn that he will get arrested now for drugs than when he is an adult. If you know he is driving while impaired...Call the law! If he is making pot crackers...call the law! If he is bringing pot into your house, call the law! Bring his bottom up NOW so you can stop him and make him realize consequences now. Before he is sitting in a jail cell as an adult.

School is of no good to him if he is rotting in jail. I would yank his car, his perks and everything he hold dear if he cant shape up. I dont care who bought it or pays for it. Until he is 18, you literally own it. All money he earns, you really own. He isnt considered able to make those decisions. One of those lovely perks. Hold it over his head. You literally own the air he breaths in your home and he needs to know it.

 

[CAmom]

Here, here Janet!!!

This will probably be as difficult for Mikey to accept as it was for me back when you (and others) tried to get me to get my head out of my a-s about my son's pot use.

Reading the words---"it's only pot"--gives me goosebumps, now that I've seen the devastating effect it can have on the lives of some young adults like my son. But, aside from all that, in fact, it's a drug, and it's illegal--period!

Another point--when we spoke with our psychotherapist in the midst of our pot-related issues, he actually chuckled when I mentioned that our son completing high school was our top priority. His response was that school should be at the bottom of that list because, based on our story, we had MUCH bigger problems in store. He was so right...

 

[DammitJanet]

For whatever reason only known to the good lord above, I was one of those lucky folks who was able to party hard when I was a teenager but then realized when I had a baby that oh dear...life had happened to me and drugs were a thing of the past! I couldnt continue on my wild ways. Midnight feedings replaced bar hopping. Instead of bongs, I had bottles and teething rings. I simply put that stuff out of my life as easily as I put away my old yearbooks.

I was one of the lucky few who had no physical or psychological addictions to drugs. I think I probably did them more to fit in with the crowd more than because I really wanted to do them.

Odd considering I carry a bipolar diagnosis.

Pot is illegal. End of story.

Right now I am dealing with the fact that I just found a crack pipe in Corys car that I know wasnt there when I picked it up from where the cops left it! I caught one of the neighborhood thugs taking his car for a joyride the day after I brought it home and they stole his cd player out of the car but I didnt notice this crackpipe that day. It was wrapped in a napkin on the console but I had cleaned the car out the day I got it. However...I touched the sucker when I unwrapped it so now Im worried. Ugh.

 

[donna723]

Mikey, I totally agree with Janet and the others! What would he do if you flat out told him that the next time he uses pot or brings it into your home, you'll call the police - if he knew that you really meant it and would do it! If he gets caught, then natural consequences would kick in and if means hurting his school record, so be it. That's what happens when you use illegal drugs! There are serious consequences! I, too, would yank any and all privileges as long as his blatent in-your-face drug use continues.
:hammer: And if he is stupid enough to threaten to hurt himself to get at you - let him! Maybe he'll learn that way! I don't mean to be flippant or to make a joke out of it, but do you remember the scene in the movie "Blazing Saddles" where the new sheriff is holding himself hostage and making threats? This is exactly what your son is doing! You must be giving him the message that you will protect him at any cost and he's using that against you. He's using this "threat" to blackmail you into letting him do whatever he d*mn well pleases and it's worked very well for him so far.

Perhaps you're too close to the situation to see it as others would see it! Pot is ILLEGAL - end of story - period! The police will look at this situation and see that you are ALLOWING him to use illegal drugs in your home, and they would be exactly right! You are! Sooner or later, he WILL get caught - I guarantee it! Then CPS will be at your door because the police will alert them to what is going on in your home! And CPS will also see it as you ALLOWING him to do drugs in your home - it is very possible that you could lose custody of him and any other children living with you! People have lost custody of their children for a lot less than this! And it is also possible that you or your wife could be arrested right along with him for having the drugs in your home! His? Yours? How do the police know whose they are? And I don't know what kind of job you or your wife have ... but if this happened in MY home, I would not HAVE a job! Most employers take a very dim view of their employees being busted for drugs! You have to ask yourself if you are willing to risk all this to protect and coddle a kid who thinks it's OK to do drugs at home right in front of you! What's wrong with this picture?!?

 

[Ephchap]

Mikey,

I have said the same as above as a reply to most of your posts. You can make every excuse in the book for your son using pot, looking at the underlying reason, etc., but the fact remains ... he IS smoking pot, which is illegal, and which definitely changes the way he acts. I abhore the phrase, "only pot". Pot is an illegal drug. You can try to justify it anyway you like, but it doesn't change the fact. Many of our kids didn't do half of what your son is doing (bringing it into the home, in your face with the baking something with it in it, etc.), so when we hear you trying to justify his smoking pot (in your own home no less) and saying that things are improving makes many of us just shake our head - it's like sticking your head in the sand. I'm not quite sure what else you want anyone to say or suggest. Each and every suggestion is met with your reply that it's not a battle you and your wife want to engage in. I'm not sure what else to suggest, quite honestly.

We each have to do what we feel we can live with, so I'm not judging, but don't know what else to say.

Deb

Here's an interesting article, which I'll also post as a separate thread ...

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> <span style="color: #3366FF"><span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'><span style='font-size: 11pt'>Potency of Pot Sold in U.S. Stronger Than Ever
Experts Warn 'Pot 2.0' Has More Harmful Effects
By Maggie Fox
Reuters
WASHINGTON (April 26) - The marijuana being sold across the United States is stronger than ever, which could explain a growing number of medical emergencies that involve the drug, government drug experts on Wednesday.

Analysis of seized samples of marijuana and hashish showed that more of the cannabis on the market is of the strongest grade, the White House and National Institute for Drug Abuse said.

They cited data from the University of Mississippi's Marijuana Potency Project showing the average levels of THC, the active ingredient in marijuana , in the products rose from 7 percent in 2003 to 8.5 percent in 2006.

The level had risen steadily from 3.5 percent in 1988.

National Institute on Drug Abuse Director Dr. Nora Volkow fears the problem is not being taken seriously because many adults remember the marijuana of their youth as harmless.

"It's really not the same type of marijuana ," Volkow said in a telephone interview.

"This could explain why there has been an increase in the number of medical emergencies involving marijuana ."

According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Adminstration, marijuana was involved in 242,200 visits to hospital emergency rooms in 2005. This means that the patient mentioned using marijuana and does not mean the drug directly caused the accident or condition being treated, SAMHSA says.

The number is up from 215,000 visits in 2004.

The pharmacy department at Mississippi has compiled data on 59,369 samples of cannabis, 1,225 hashish samples, and 443 hash oil samples confiscated since 1975. "The highest concentration of (THC) found in a cannabis ( marijuana ) sample is 33.12 percent from Oregon State Police," the report reads.

'THIS IS POT 2.0'

Hashish and hash oil concentrations are far higher, as they consist of processed plant product.

"Researchers and treatment experts have argued for some time that today's more powerful marijuana has more harmful effects on users. This report underscores that we are no longer talking about the drug of the 1960s and 1970s -- this is Pot 2.0," John Walters, director of National Drug Control Policy, said in a statement.

Volkow said demand has driven growers to cultivate the stronger stuff. "It is the market," she said. "Like in the market you favor the best tomatoes. When people buy marijuana , they don't want a weak cigarette."

Volkow's institute has been studying the effects of cannabis, whose active ingredients are very similar to important brain chemicals called endogenous cannabinoids. "It clearly is addictive," she said.

If children and adolescents use marijuana , it could affect their still-developing brains, she said.

The report said more than 60 percent of teens receiving treatment for drug abuse or dependence report marijuana as their primary drug of abuse.

"Although the overall number of young people using marijuana has declined in recent years, there is still reason for great concern, particularly since roughly 60 percent of first-time marijuana users are under 18 years old," Volkow said.

According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health 4.1 million Americans, or 1.7 percent of the population, report they use marijuana .</span> </span></span>
Copyright 2007 Reuters Limited. </div></div>

 

[Kathy813]

Mikey,

You sound like me when my difficult child was still in high school. She was smoking pot and doing heaven knows what else but I was totally focused on keeping her in school.

Well, she finished high school with honors and even finished a year and a half of college. At the same time, she was smoking pot and hanging around with loser friends. Eventually, she just stopped going to classes (3 semesters in a row) and I had to face up to the fact that as long as she was smoking pot she would never have the motivation and focus she needed to be successful in college.

We kicked her out after we found pot in her room (this was after we had let her move back in once to "get her life together"). She is now living in an apartment and doing relatively well but is stuck in a dead end job (pizza delivery) and living a marginal existence. She still thinks partying is cool and doesn't see the effect it is having on her life.

In retrospect, I wish we had been tougher when she was 17. If I had to do it again, I would have sent her to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and not worried about whether she graduated on time or not. In the long run, your difficult child can always finish school but he needs to get his act together first.

I'm with the others who say your wife should have called the police. Make him face the consequences ~ you are making it easy for him to smoke pot and laugh off your concerns. Things will only go down from here.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Our difficult child's 17th and 18th years were the worst years of my life.

~Kathy

 

[jbrain]

Hi Mikey,
from my point of view the fact that your son is blatantly defying you (i.e., cooking pot when he knew you would be coming home) means that you have to step up and be the dad and put a stop to it. I agree with the others--call the police if this happens again. Your son is going to have absolutely no respect for you if you are a pushover. Also, I agree with the others who said he is holding you hostage with the school thing. If he screws it up that is his problem. If the only reason he is doing well in school is so he can use it to manipulate you then call him on it. You cannot deal with him from a position of strength if he is holding the ace. You will also be hating yourself for letting a kid manipulate you this way. After all, it is his life he is screwing up, not yours--shouldn't be yours. You've paid your dues, you work, are a responsible adult. If he sabotages himself you still have a life to live--he is the one who will be unhappy, not you (once you have learned to detach and not let your happiness depend on how he is feeling).

I too smoked pot and drank as a high school student. The difference is I would never have shoved it in my parents' faces and I would not have threatened to sabotage my education. I had my own internal boundaries and was interested in finishing high school and going on to college. These were my own goals, things I wanted for myself, not because my parents wanted them. I hung around with a variety of kids--some had no interest in college, some did. I knew what I wanted, they had no influence over that aspect of my life.

Good luck, thanks for listening to all of us!

Jane

 

[CAmom]

Again, I'm with you all. Even MY son, who was smoking probably daily last summer, NEVER shoved it in our faces!

We found pot in his room only once over the couple of years he was smoking it, and we DID call the police who came and talked to him and watched as HE flushed it down the toilet.

Now, I'm not saying that that caused him to STOP smoking pot, because he didn't, BUT, he knew that, if he brought it into our home, we would follow through and report it.

And, as Deb said, and I've mentioned a couple of times, when we stood before a judge and offered up what we felt were reasonable explanations about why we, knowing that our son had a drug problem and was breaking the law on a daily basis, basically did nothing, he was removed from our home.

 

[mom_in_training]

A normal scenarial would be that if your difficult child was smoking pot that he or she would be trying to cover it up. Sure many parents will suspect that their difficult child is smoking pot and many parents end up finding the evidence and then follow through with their plan of intervention but the arrogance of any 17 year old blatenly putting it in the parents face in their own home shows nothing but lack of respect. He is doing it because he is getting away with it. Gee I wonder if his druggy friends are wishing that they had parents that they can train to accomidate their illegal deeds.

Ca mom talk about judgement day, Yikes!!
"And, as Deb said, and I've mentioned a couple of times, when we stood before a judge and offered up what we felt were reasonable explanations about why we, knowing that our son had a drug problem and was breaking the law on a daily basis, basically did nothing, he was removed from our home."

Mikey, You have to ask yourself if the therapist would be willing to go before a judge and explain away her reasoning for not taking his pot use seriously along with not giving the appropriate guidance about the illegal drug use period. I have always thought that some therapists will just prolong issues intentually to keep the client coming back to keep filling their pockets with dollars. I have always had that thought about this therapist that you mention. You may have seen some improvements with your difficult child but really this therapist is not god and if anything the fact that she is not doing anything about the pot use is not helping matters at all, If anything I think its making it worse and that she is hindering what you should be doing as his parent. Shes doing just enough to keep you sufficed in your own mind (She is the therapist and obviously good at stringing things along) and keeps you coming back for whatever guidence that she is giving to you which I will never agree with. That really bothers me!! I have to wonder, With her knowing about the illegal pot use, Is she not obligated by law to report it? Of course we all know that if a minor even states that their parent touched them in an abusive way the therapist has to by law report it. Hmmmm, I wonder about that. Mikey, What do you want to bet that the therapist will not want anything to do with going before a judge in defense of her client knowing that illegal drug use has been ongoing but yet has done nothing about it. Whatever accomplishments that have been made would be thrown by the wayside and all that will be heard is the fact that this minor has been allowed to use illegal drugs outside of home as well as in the home (Even though you don't want it) You will be the one that ultimately will have to face a judge. Just a thought..... I'll tell ya Mikey many of us hear have dealt with our difficult children starting with just simple pot use that leads to Cocaine, Heroin, Meth and some parents here at CD have lost their child forever due to drugs. Its scarey to be a parent that finds themselves having to deal with their own child becoming a addict. I know all of what everyone is saying is allot to digest and I hope that just one little tiny thing that someone says here at CD makes you go AWW-HAW now I get it. We are on your side Mikey and considering that many here have been there done that want so desperately to guide you by sharing what we went through along with what we had to do to save our children from ruin.

 

[rejectedmom]

Mikey, you already know my stand on your son's pot use and his blatant defiance and manipulations of your rules. But please read the article that Epchap posted. I grew up in the 60's and 70's when pot use was rampant. I didn not use mostly because it caused severe migraines for me to even be near the smoke of others. And though I didn't participate I did "look the other way" until one of my husband's college buddies brought it into my home. He was told that I would not abide by that that it was still illegal and I would not sanction illeagal acts in my own home and he was asked to leave. Anyway that is off topic. What I am trying to say is 1) even if you did use back then you have the responsibility to raise your children up to respect both you and the law. and 2) that the pot of today is not the same as it was back then.

In addition even with the lower potency of the 70's era pot, I did have many aquaintances move on to other more powerful drugs. Some of them had long term effects, some stopped and had normal lives. But it was still a gamble then and an even greater one now with the higher potency of modern day pot.

I hope you are still reading our posts. I know it probably seems like we are battering you over the head but we have all been there done that. My son started on pot he has recently admitted to moving on to crack. My story is similar to many here but the bottom line is my son became violent and irradic and hurt me. I had to literally revoke his bond and have him put in jail because he would not accept any of the help offered. he has been in prison for almost a year because he couldn't or wouldn't do what had to be done to get out in 4 months. It is heart breaking if I could get my hands around the neck of the first person who ever offered my son a joint I would probably have a hard time not sqeezing him unconcious. -RM

 

[CAmom]

RM, my husband and I and most of our friends also smoked pot "recreationally." Some went onto other more dangerous drugs and ruined their lives, a couple permanently. My husband and I eventually let it go, mostly because the fact that we were breaking the law caused me more anxiety than the "high" was worth.

My son admits now that he quickly went from pot to Ecstacy which probably explains some of the raging he was doing last summer when his drug use peaked.

As you said, using drugs is a terrible gamble. I know my son, even though he hasn't smoked pot in months, still craves that "high" that he was introduced to with pot.

 

[saving grace]

Mikey, I have just read through your posts and the responses and mine will be similiar. I want to give you some background on my difficult child.

15 yrs old got caught drinking and smoking pot. Brushed it off to experimenting, being in the wrong place with the wrong people, swore it would never happen again it made him sick, he was grounded for a month.

it never stopped, it got worse, each year. He said to me then "its not like I am shooting heroin, its just grass"

I was in a similar situation as you with his age when it got bad enough that I realized he needed serious help. His school ordered him into counseling and drug tests to be able to graduate, he went to a private school. He complied for 4 months, graduated and got stoned.

He moved on to Extacy, Oxycontin, crack, cocaine, and now he shoots heroin (see above)

I prayed that the law would get involved somehow, he was pink slipped twice held for 2 weeks, evaluated and released.
I had him arrested for assualt and battery (on me) he was in the system for 2 1/2 years, jail 4 times, rehabs,(mulitple) detoxes (mulitple) each time he swore never again.

He has lost jobs, cars, friends, family, he has been homeless.

Mikey, remember he just smoked a little grass. He is now a heroin addict and will be 21 in June. He has been clean of heroin for about 2 months. It will never end he will be an addict for the rest of his life. The rest of his life, The rest of his life.

Good Luck, If I could go back to the begining, I would know that drugs were the problem, he was self medicating and still is but the drugs are the problem if you fix that everything else will fall into place with the proper help, but the proper help will not work if he is using

Grace