oh Lord, help me

[zaftigmama]

I'm fairly well used to Brownie's oppositional behaviors, defiance, general uncooperativeness--but God, this latest...he's done it before, but now it seems worse.

In the past, a correction or limit could be met with "you think I'm stupid." Now, not only does he say "you think I'm an idiot" it's "CALL ME AN IDIOT! SAY I'M AN IDIOT! SAY IT!" usually while crying, sometimes accompanied by punching himself in the head or banging his head on the floor. This all happened moments ago when he wanted to use the computer and I said no (because *I'M* using the computer).

I think I should call the county mental health office for help, but I'm nervous...I have this irrational? fear that the men in white coats will come to get him, or he'll go on some "dangerous child" registry...right now he's screaming on the floor like a two-year-old because he can't have candy for breakfast. I'm so tired of this.

 

[TerryJ2]

Ohh, I'm so sorry! I would be coming up with-all sorts of ways to disprove his belief system but I don't know if any of them would work with-his personality.
When my son did things like this, incl not doing certain homework because it "I CAN'T DO IT!" was his only reason, we charged him a quarter for each time he said it. I actually put the money on the kitchen table.
He stopped. (It took a cpl wks)
I didn't go into the "why" of his acting that way, but I do know that it stopped.
He never hit himself in the head like that, though, so I think your son has more serious issues.
I would try what I could at home, while getting him into therapy.
Best of luck!

 

[Malika]

Poor you. Poor Brownie. I know how difficult and soul-destroying it can feel to deal (or not) with these scenes. A couple of questions:
1. What happens if you do not react to the explosion? Does it escalate or die out eventually?
2. Have you found that positive reinforcement improves his behaviour?
I am struck by the low self esteem inherent in your son's remarks. My growing sense is that my son, for one, has a really poor image of himself, not generally apparent to the naked eye, and this feeds into his oppositional behaviour. When he feels good about himself, he is more co-operative and mature.
Just a couple of thoughts... Hang in there.

 

[buddy]

OH gosh, I have lived a very very eerily similar scene many times especially over the last few months. Including the head pounding and he does it with his hands /fists and also into a wall/door jam corner.

But for the last almost two weeks it is much reduced. There have been blow ups and comparatively speaking, some more minor aggressive moments, but not that intense thank heaven.

Mine says, you are talking to me like a baby... or I'm not a baby. I never get into that... I just say, I am simply telling you a direction like all parents tell their kids directions. (though at the moment they are acting like toddlers it is hard for me to hold my tongue!)

Sounds like he had a plan of what he wanted to do and even more than not getting his way, it may be hard for him to be able to change his idea of how the time should be going. What he had in his mind that you would say, etc. When people tell me he just wants his way I have to say I really do know the difference. I can get him out of it when it i just that he wants something and I am saying no. These moments are like he absolutely had it in his mind how something was going to happen, no matter if it was realistic or not... and any change in that plan (can you say rigid thinker??) makes my kid go nuts. Just really needs support finding another plan and that is usually how we get out of it. Sometimes I have to wait for that intense part where he is screamming, yelling, etc. to calm down.

For Q the other time he does it is when he is boxed in a corner... he as lost priveleges, the world is over, everything is awful and there is no immediate thing to look forward to. (not reality I realize but this is his frame of mind from what he is saying and what I can figure out by how we recover)... Sometimes I have to do a "do-over" and just wipe the whole thing clean.... Ask him if he can try it again and all the consequences are gone and if he can talk it out and problem solve we can work it out. He will ask... is this a trick??? but I remind him I have NEVer tricked him on that and so he does it.


It is exhausting.. dont know if any of it would work for you but... just sharing because I can understand the feeling. by the way, I have told MANY professionals about the head banging and screaming etc.... no one ever once suggested he needs to go to the hospital or be declared a danger or anything.... I get the worry though, truth is you could beg them for help and even with those symptoms they will tell you to do x y z at home I bet.... sigh.

 

[TeDo]

difficult child 1 used to do this complete with the head thing. Now that I think about it, it stopped when I pulled him out of public school. He was being punished so much there and told "you should know better than that" and expected to act like everyone else his age when he didn't know how. His self-esteem went down the toilet because he figured he MUST be stupid if he can't do what everyone else is telling him he should be able to do. Because of all this, it carried over into home and any time he didn't get his way, it was the same phrase Brownie used and yes, difficult child 1 hit his head many times. His self-esteem was THAT bad. Now that he's out of that whole mess of a school, he's very self-confident, almost cocky now, LOL but it is a very nice change. I can't tell you the last time I've heard that from him.

 

[Ktllc]

When V used to do it as a toddler, I really did not know how to react. The pediatrician suggested not reacting and to just move him in the safe place (bed, floor surrounded of pillows, etc). He would bang his head on the floor and between each time would stare me in the eyes.
Of course, I realize your son is not a toddler anymore, but it might still work?
Even if you physically move him, I would suggest not talking at all. This way you won't reinforce the inappropriate behavior.
As soon as he calms down or stops (even for a very short time): praise him for being calmer.

 

[DaisyFace]

I think I should call the county mental health office for help, but I'm nervous...I have this irrational? fear that the men in white coats will come to get him, or he'll go on some "dangerous child" registry...

No worries there...

Some of us Warrior Moms have been BEGGING for the "men in the white coats" to come get our kids - but County Mental Health Offices don't have the resources these days. So I think you are pretty safe...

Why are you thinking of calling County Mental Health? Does your difficult child not have a regular counselor who is helping with these issues? Maybe calling the office would be a good idea?

 

[StressedM0mma]

DF you are very right. There have been many days that I have begged for th e"men in the white coats" to come get my difficult child. But, there is no money for that in our county.

 

[zaftigmama]

Believe me, I'm reading (and have been reading) a lot of posts here and I know that help is hard to get sometimes, even when it's the men in white coats--but I'm afraid of having CPS called on me, so this is part of that (I know several special needs parents who have had CPS reports made d/t their difficult child's behaviors).
Anyway.

We tried to get Brownie a private therapist. Both sessions he'd play with the toys, but then he'd lay down on the ground and refuse to speak when the therapist approached him. That's when we consulted with my PNP (psychiatric nurse practitioner) to see if he needed medications first. Her opinion was medications weren't warranted--yet. Since he has a good relationship with his school counselor, we're just continuing with her.

We're doing a sticker chart and sometimes that helps, but when it doesn't it REALLY doesn't. Today, I took the boys to swim at a local pool during the day and at night we went to see monster trucks (Brownie's favorite). It was fun, but on the ride home Brownie asked about playing with his PS2--it was late so I said we'll have to do that tomorrow. Cue giant meltdown, kicking, screaming, woke up his brother (who did NOT have a good time seeing the monster trucks--we suspected as much but he insisted he wanted to go, so we wanted to support him in that--he ended up wetting his pants and we cleaned him up with napkins--poor kid)--screaming at us that we hate him, we're not real parents, we "throw him against the wall and punch him in the face"??!!?

Nice way to end an evening.

 

[buddy]

just document, journal, record the things they say etc. this will show them that there is a history of these kinds of false reports.... That is what I have done and it is in school records when he does it there and it is in our county plan and also in the home health company plan... this kid has a history of false reports of abuse.

If they ever call, happily invite them to come asap. I thought, oh Q is gonna play this up and it will happen again nd again. So, I acted like I was glad they were coming and told him to tell them as many stories as he wanted. He has not yelled out our windows and false abuse stuff for years. He does say "dont hit me" when he is upset... but that is echolalia.... I used to say to him , dont hit me... or I said ... because you hit me... he said both those phrases just like I said them, the exact words and says them over and over. but I was the only one with scratches and bruises so??? what are they gonna say.

Yes it is nerve wracking but I had to finally let it go, the least of my worries. I live in a town home complex and I worried so much about neighbors calling when he has a melt down so I just tell them all what is going on. Not in front of him but very open. I have found such support and love from them. They have come out and asked how he is doing, the kids have tried to help him calm , etc. Much better than when I didn't tell anyone. Helped that he eventually dropped down and had a seizure right there in front of parents and kids so they really got it then.

I am sure that TeDo and several others here with twins can really really relate to your dilemas... so hard to find what both will like and then they must really rev each other up at times.

take care, thinking of you... Buddy

 

[Bunny]

Sometimes difficult child does whe whole "you're not my real mother! My real mother would be NICE to me" when he doesn't get his way. It's frustrating to hear, but when he says that I usually reply with, "Well I have the birth certificate that proves you wrong, so just deal with it." Probably not the best way to handle it, but that usually knocks that whole argument out of the park for a while.

Do you have a video camera? I would suggest recording him when he starts to bang his head on the floor or the walls. You will either accomplish one of two things: he will either stop the minute he sees the camera and thinks that you're recording his behavior for all the workld to see (our difficult child did that because he didn't want others to see what he's really like at home) or you can show a therapist or a psychiatrist what is going on when he throws a tantrum.