Oh My Bleeping God!

[Hound dog]

This is quite quickly turning into the summer from hades. To put it bluntly, mother in law is driving me NUTS.

Yesterday, I kid you not folks, the woman called me 8 times.

I lost track of the number the day before.

And today it's only after 3pm and it's already well over 15. OMG!!!

Awful, but at the moment I'm pretending to not be at home. Might be different if it were something important. But it is always something trivial and stupid.

Sigh. She is acting like my husband these days. And heck one of him was too much, TWO of them is driving me over the edge fast.

I know it's attention seeking. I understand that. But OMG I cannot give the woman a moment by moment commentary on the progress of the paperwork involved in selling the house. And NO I am not going to be a mega pest to husband's brother and wife.....which is what she's wanting me to do........to get this so called info.....which there really is none. It's a process. A process she's been thru countless times before and knows what's involved.

Somehow all her bill paying has been thrust onto me. Yet, she won't leave me alone about it for a second. So I'm trying to figure out what bills she has, what she can and can't pay.......what has and hasn't been paid.....UGH! With her badgering me non stop. Getting to where I can't think.

I want to dig a 10 ft hole in the back yard and HIDE.

And to make matters worse.......she spents most of her time feeling sorry for herself and sobbing to get us to do what she wants. So now husband wants to ask doctor to give her an anti-depressant. I nixed it. I don't think she needs it (or the bill) and I doubt seriously she'd take it. Money wasted. Money she doesn't have to waste. I'm going to sound cold and crass, but the tears and sobbing strike me as more of an attention thing than depression. She can turn on and off the water works at will, depending on whom she's dealing with. She rarely cries on me, doesn't work. Bawls all over husband though cuz the guilt works on him.

Now this woman who was perfectly happy living like a hermit at home.......has suddenly decided we're to be at her beck and call 24/7.

OMG I should've told her I had summer classes.

Whew. Thanks for letting me get that out. I know husband is going to want to go over there later and I needed to get that off my chest before coming face to face with her.

I love her, but right now she's making it very hard to like her.

Sigh

 

[Shari]

I want to dig a 10 ft hole in the back yard and HIDE.

At least YOU want to hide in that hole....not something else...

I'm sorry. husband's mother is like this. Fortunately, for us, his sister got the bulk of the calls, but she put a stop to it, so we're getting more of them. We just dont answer, either.

Wish I had advice, but I don't. Just know I feel your pain.

 

[AnnieO]

Me too... mother in law calls incessantly. If we don't answer the house phone, she'll call one cell phone or another. And it's ALWAYS silly stuff. I have gotten to the point where I don't answer if it's her. "Oh... I didn't see a missed call..." - I didn't. I saw it when it was coming through. Very needy. On lots of pain medications. Like you said - I love her - but I want a place to HIDE!

I don't want to dig a hole though. I just want her to QUIT CALLING.

Hugs for ya. I wonder how many of us go through this?!

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Just remind yourself that you can do this. Heck you survived your children into their twenties now (hehe). Deep breathes. When you visit smile and remind yourself of the woman you know and love. Change can reek havic in some peoples lives. She is losing what little control she had. So now she has to try and grab on to what she can. At her age I guess I might do the same.

Many hugs, I know this isn't easy.

beth

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry this is a really rough time. It is sad that she is so scared. Hopefully there is someone at the ALF that can work to get her more interested in the activities there.

It took quite a few months for my Gma to adjust to the ALF and she was always a social butterfly type of person. Can you call the staff at the home and ask them to help her integrate into life there? I am sure they see this stuff frequently.

As to mother in law knowing what is involved, she may have done it for years but also may be forgetting or getting foggy brained from the disease or the medications. You may need to address her being forgetful or whatever with the doctor.

You are exactly right about the AD if she is turning the waterworks on and off like a faucet. She surely doesn't need any unnecessary medications - older people often have more interaction problems with medications than younger people do.

You may have to set some firm limits on either the number of calls she can make to you and the home (unlimited calls to husband if he has his own cell phone! Price he pays for being her son) and even tell her to call her other kids and their families about stuff they are handling. Is there ANY way you can dump the bill paying on the sister in law? They do the financial stuff and you do the inperson stuff? Seems like a fair trade to me. And if you just keep sending teh stuff and the phone calls to them I am not sure they would be able to stop you.

You might prefer setting up "calling hour" for a certain time that you will be available each day. Answer her calls ONLY during that time. If it is an emergency the facility will call you. Otherwise she can call husband on his cell or another family member.

Detachment phrases we memorize and use on our kids might also fit here. "I am sorry you feel that way." "What a shame. What are you going to do about it?" seem to fit, as with others.

It is a tough adjustment for everyone to make. You do her no favors by permitting her to be a pest. Just as kids need boundaries, anyone else we take care of also needs them. If she can't reach you all day then she will at some point HAVE to turn to the staff around her to help and to other residents (sorry, inmates was the first word that came to mind. My mind has been tossing out all the wrong words lately.) for social things.

Whatever you decide to do, even if it is just to vent, I support you!!!

 

[1905]

You need to be firm and set boundaries. She's playing a different role, and you need to as well. Tell her 15 is too many and you'll accept 3 calls (or whatever number is good), and that's all. No need to explain that you have things to do, less is more. Be firm, she isn't getting subtle messages. Answer the first 3 calls, tell her ok that's 1, etc....after that, you don't answer. She can call you tomorrow. I know you're not a mean person, and she is upset, but she has to learn on her own to work through it. Maybe her doctor can give her some xanax.

 

[DammitJanet]

Does mother in law have any hobbies or things she used to like to do? Could you get her to do something for you? I know she is pretty much sedentary now so it would have to be something she could do from a chair but Im sure we could figure something out.

mother in law...I really desperately need your help sorting these family pictures. I dont know who these people are and need you to label them for me. Could you do that for me?

Maybe something like that. Give her a job to do.

 

[Hound dog]

I've attempted to limit calls. Which is how we wound up ignoring them because mother in law is ignoring the limits.

Makes me awful, but what can you do? I think I understand now way nursing homes don't furnish phones to the residents. ugh

Janet, giving her a job is a great idea.....except she's not really capable of it right now. She can't even work her word find puzzles. Watching tv is nearly impossible. Reading....the pain medications make it hard for her to concentrate. And she won't let me bring pics and such from the house for this sort of project.

Have to think on it though. hmmmm

 

[DammitJanet]

Ok...lets see...let me think what I did with my mom.

Did she ever knit or crochet? Have her help roll a ball of yarn. Save up a ton of white socks and take them to her to have her match them. LOL. or go grab everyones loads of towels and take them over. My mom folded the same load of towels for over a month.

Go find one of those baby dolls that makes such a racket. get some baby clothes and all that junk. let her play with it.

My mom loved stuff from say...the 40s. She remembered that era and back long after she forgot now. If she wont write stuff...will she talk into a tape recorder.

Maybe get her some music...download it...of music from her younger days. Or tv shows from then.

 

[susiestar]

Have you spoken with the staff? Maybe "the rules" could be changed so she can have her phone for a set time every day instead of all the time?

You may have to repeat the rules over and over, like you do to a three year old. Or tell her that you will send all the stuff to her other child and refuse to do any of it. I know you love her, but there must be some limits.

Just because she wants to ignore the limits doesn't mean you should give in. With the way she turns the tears on and off she can keep track of somethings.

 

[Hound dog]

Janet those are good ideas. Problem is that mother in law is not truely confused, woman is sharp as a tack. And I doubt would cooperate folding clothes or matching socks. Um......she had a maid for years cuz she hated that. lmao

She won't do the movies. Tried that, but she keeping messing up the vcr so bad it takes Travis 3 days to get it fixed again. So now she won't try to watch movies. I do call her and tell her when particularly good ones are on, what channel ect, or the dog show.

mother in law called again when husband came home. I just handed the phone over. He wasn't a happy camper. So he did the calling of sister in law. Called her on his cell. mother in law called again in the middle of his phone call. I took it. mother in law said him calling her back with the info wasn't good enough, she needed to see him in person to relay the info. Now when husband found out I hadn't taken mother in law's calls he was irrate. Until I gave him the message she needed to see him in person just to get the news on the darn house. Then he blew a gasket.

I simply told him, Now you know why I haven't answered the phone, dear. Still........he drove clear across town and sat with her an hour and a half just to tell her what she already knew.

If husband wants to coddle her, he's more than welcome. But I'm not gonna do it. mother in law refuses to socialize at the ASL. She's got the drama going full force. And now I've figured out where husband gets it from, although I'd have never have guessed, his mother.

mother in law doesn't want to be at the assisted living. I think she was secretly hoping she'd run out of money and get to go home. And since she's not going anywhere.....I think she's decided to make all of us as miserable as she is.

Venting here is invaluable. It let's me keep a smile on my face and a cheery disposition when I go to see her. Which since she's now POed at me as well as sister in law........may be a while.

 

[Wiped Out]

(((Hugs)))

 

[nvts]

Well! Looks like YOU'RE not going to get the sink or china cabinet either!

My mother in law is fantastic, but as of late her patience with just about everything is getting very short. For the first time since we're married and then with the kids, she actually told me that I have to buckle down on how difficult child 1 talks to me. Don't get me wrong, she always speaks her mind (that's why we get along - we both say what we think but in a diplomatic way!), but this was more like criticism than a suggestion.

No matter what, I think mother in law is looking to move in on you Lisa! Beeeeware! Don't let husband go alone - she may be able to manipulate him into agreeing!

Beth