Oh my - hearing date!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, May 29, 2008.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Oh my - his hearing date is June 10 - I feel like I am not ready for this - I just want someone to do something - I like my peace - I fear for what they will do but also I fear of what they wont do - crazy I know - I dont want him coming home - he has to find somewhere to go if they give him time served - what nut cases if they do - it is obvious that he has been in there more than once - why would you just let someone out again withough doing anything - I know I am assuming but you never iknow - I was planning on going to the beach that week but I feel I need to be here to stand up and say no he cant come home on house arrest and yes he needs drug help - duh! Why cant he say that - of course he just wants to be free - His life style is so different from ours
  2. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Stands, if you are NOT in court......... you can't either give nor deny permission for him to come to your house for house arrest correct? Don't go! I know how difficult it is to detach from our difficult child's, it took me a while not to feel everything I thought my difficult child would or should be feeling. It almost killed me and kept me in a very bad place for almost a year. I am fortunate that I had family that reminded me not to project MY feelings onto my difficult child. Their feelings are not what yours are! Your son is sitting back, mooching off the system while you and your husband work to support his illegal habits. I finally learned that as long as YOU are feeling all the feelings, fear, anxiety, concern (and making your difficult child aware of it, they know trust me) and YOU are the only one taking action, THEY don't have to do anything and won't! Jail obviously isn't so bad for him, is it? He goes right back to it.

    The anxiety I feel when reading your post is very real. Your anxiety. Stands, I'm sorry you even have to feel that way. Shame on your should be grown man of a son at age 24! for making his mother feel that way. Instead of anxiety Stands, that really should be anger and disapproval that your son has manipulated you and your family's lives for so many years! That alone would make me move away/detach from him.

    I have all the compassion in the world for you because I once "felt" everything like you do right now. Trust me, I have to work everyday not to get totally caught up in my difficult child's messes. I remind myself that I did not teach her this way of life. I do not approve of that way of live and most importantly I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE in that way of life! As far as illegal activities go....... it's my way or the highway! I don't have time for you.

    Hugs Stands, know that you deserve better. Expect that for yourself and remove yourself from the craziness that is your son.
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You should just go to the beach. They aren't going to release him to you if you aren't there to say you'll take him. If you're still concerned, you could write a letter to his PO and deliver it certified mail.

    "Dear PO:

    We will not be attending difficult children hearing on June 10, 2008. To reiterate, under no circumstances will he be coming to live with us, regardless of the results of the hearing.

    My husband and I will be on vacation at the beach that week, so you will not be able to contact us.

    Thanks for your help.

    Mr & Mrs SWC"

    End of story.

    It is time for you to move on to other things. I know you are upset that there is a hearing, but you seem a bit more emotionally involved than is healthy given that what you want to do is move on. Have you set up therapy for yourself yet?
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am not sure what this hearing is for but if this is the actual trial date for his original charges then yes...it is possible that they may give him time served. This is in no way up to you at all. You are not a victim nor his guardian anymore. In reality...this is between him and the courts now. The only reason I had anything to do with my sons sentencing was because I was a victim and he does live with me so I had to give the OK for him to continue living here.

    You can tell the DA that you do not wish for your son to live at your house again so that they cannot release him to your address. If he is going to have probation, he normally needs to have an address to use. However, if he gets time served...then there is no probation.

    When we were in court on Corys last court date this happened. There was a guy in there that had done something...cant remember exactly what...but he had been in jail for many months. The judge was going to sentence him to 3 months of intensive probation and 6 months of supervised probation. BUT...before they could get all the paperwork done...the court clerk was adding things up and they realized that he had already served more time in jail than his sentence was for so they had to release him with time served...no probation...nothing. Chances are he will go right back out and commit another crime but oh well.

    There is nothing you can do really other than tell them you arent letting him use your house.
  5. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member


    Exactly right.

    Write as Witz and Dammit suggested.

    Come up with your backup plan now Stands, in case difficult child is released and tries to come home whether you have made it clear to the court system that you do not want him there or not.

    Where will you send difficult child if and when he shows up at your door?

    What are your parameters of behavior for him before you will call the police and have him removed from your home? How will you know when it is time to call 911,if that becomes necessary?

    What are the words you are going to use to say "NO".

    Try not to concentrate your energies on the trial or your son or his lifestyle. Use this time, and these energies, to refine your own responses to whatever difficult child comes up with.

    What will you and husband say if and when difficult child shows up on the porch and expects you to let him come in?

  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Re: Oh my - hearing date!
    You should just go to the beach. They aren't going to release him to you if you aren't there to say you'll take him. If you're still concerned, you could write a letter to his PO and deliver it certified mail.

    "Dear PO:

    We will not be attending difficult children hearing on June 10, 2008. To reiterate, under no circumstances will he be coming to live with us, regardless of the results of the hearing.

    My husband and I will be on vacation at the beach that week, so you will not be able to contact us.

    Thanks for your help.

    Mr & Mrs SWC"

    End of story.


    You can tell the DA that you do not wish for your son to live at your house again so that they cannot release him to your address. If he is going to have probation, he normally needs to have an address to use. However, if he gets time served...then there is no probation.


    Stands - I cant' add anything to what's been said - but I know even though our children are in jail - we dont' stop loving them. So for your hurting heart I'm sending hugs. For the rest of yourself I'm sending you MY warrior Mom battle armor. It's a tad worn, but it's tough stuff.

    Hugs Star
  7. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member


    Mom-to-3 offers a great perspective on things. You really should be angry with your son rather than anxious for him at this point. I know that anger can be a very unsettling feeling -- but you have every right to feel it and it will give you the energy and strength to do what you need to do.

    I think you should follow Witz's and Janet's advice.
    DON'T GO to the court hearing
    WRITE the letter, stating that you will not let your son live with you

    And Barbara's advice is spot-on.
    What is your plan. Do you have a backup plan for if your difficult child shows up at your door? What about if he phones? You need to think about what to do now while you're calm and quiet. If necessary, make posters that remind you what to do and what to say. It's no different than a fire drill. Rehearse it now, so that if and when the time comes, you will have a built-in automatic response that lets you do what's right for you. Otherwise, it's way too easy to fall back into old familiar UNHEALTHY patterns when something does happen.

    This is YOUR time Stands, to take care of YOU.

  8. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    It seems that you're feeling more anxious for yourself and the upheaval it will bring to your life if they let him go than you are for what will happen to your son.

    And there is nothing at all wrong with that. That is so normal.

    Write the letter and go to the beach and put this out of your mind while you're there. Change the locks on the house if you need to.

    Come up with a plan for if/when he shows up. And keep telling yourself that you, your husband and your easy child deserve some peace.
  9. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks all! I will follow the advice. I will come up with a plan and remember that I cant feel his feelings - my husband thinks they may send him "down the road". I dont know - i really hope not but also I hope they dont just open the door and let him out with nothing - jail hasnt really helped him - I dont know what will - thanks for not being frustrated with me - I am trying.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    And doing a DANG good job of it! NOW GET TO THE BEACH YOUNG LADY!!!!!!

  11. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    ((hugs)) Stands.

    You've gotten great advice I wholeheartedly agree with. Keep up the good work.

    And don't forget a cool tall drink when you get to the beach.
  13. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Stands, none of us understands WHAT our kids are feeling. At least, not when they are using. Drug use changes their perceptions and destroys their lives. Because they so desperately need help, because they literally cannot fight the addiction until it has destroyed them and slowly, they claw their ways back to some semblance of normal life, they seek someone to blame. And whether that is a parent or a marital partner or a child, whoever is trying to help the addict will be blamed, by the addict, for his current situation.

    Otherwise, he would have to acknowledge that the drugs he uses are stealing his life away.

    And while our children are actively addicted, while they are still so dependent on the drugs that they cannot see a way to survive without them, they cannot afford to acknowledge the truth about what the drugs are doing to them.

    And not only to them Stands, but to us.

    For these reasons, we literally cannot feel our children's feelings.

    We can only feel what WE would feel, if this were happening to us.

    But if this were happening to us, we would be making very different choices than those our addicted children are making.

    Unless WE were the addicted ones.

    Addiction is a horrible thing.

    There is (and there can be) no judgment against the addict. It could happen to any one of us.

    There was a time when our sons were not addicted.

    That is who they really are.

    We can love our addicted children, but we really need to get it that we truly cannot feel their feelings. We cannot know the trap they are caught up in, because we are not trapped there.

    Understanding that has helped me learn that helping isn't helping.

    I cannot "help" my son beat something as horrible as what has happened to him.

    I can love him. I can know in my heart that it is the addiction that has changed him into someone else. Most importantly, I can remember for him, no matter how many times he forgets, no matter how many times the drugs win, that he is better than who he is, right now.

    If I can remember that for him, then maybe one day, he will remember it too, and use that knowledge, that little, tiny bit of truth, to help him to be strong enough to win his fight with his addiction.

    Or, maybe not.

    But there literally is not another thing I can do for my son if he continues to use.


    Jail is not meant to help our children, Stands. It is meant to teach them that there are consequences for going a wrong way. For those of our children who continue along those wrong paths, there will be prison. Prison is not meant to help them, either.

    It is meant to protect the rest of us.

    I am always telling you that I am sorry this is happening to you and your family and your son, Stands. And I am so sorry for the pain you feel, and for the confusion we all feel.

    But if we are trying to parent a self destructive or addicted child, we need to know how to parent differently than the others, than the so-fortunate parents whose children have not gone a wrong way.

    And to do that, we need to understand, Stands. We need to understand that we are parenting children in real trouble. None of the wonderful things that happen to other parents ~ the proms and college graduations, the marriages and careers and grandchildren we can truly celebrate, instead of worrying ourselves to death over ~ none of these wonderful things are going to happen, for us.

    All we can do, and I think this is a very powerful tool, is love our wayward children and remember for them who they were.

  14. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Oh Barbara as always you are amazing. You could write a book. It is so heart felt and I appreciate all your thoughts to me. I take them in like water to a sponge. I understand what you are telling me and your wisdom means a lot. You have a way with words. I really am still kinda afraid - but I have come a long way. I cannot go back down to the jail to see him - I have written him and sent books and a little canteen money - I hope he is ok - I know I keep rambling on about this but it has been troubling for me and I feel I need to talk to someone who knows what I mean - I know that we are here for a reason to learn and heed advice but sometimes I just feel so peaceful just knowing you understand. That is healing to me. thanks
  15. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    You are welcome, Stands.

    I think this is the place we all come to. There just isn't anywhere else to...stand with courage.


    They say those we love are simply those we love. Whether our children had been successful in the accepted term of the word or whether their lives are filled with loss and pain, we love them.

    We are vulnerable to them.

    We DO feel their pain ~ but the pain we understand has to do with their loss of self and dignity and potential ~ it has to do with all the things their addictions have stolen from them.

    We can love our sons, but we cannot help them service their addictions.

    You (and me, and all of us who come here) are doing the best we know and trying to figure out the rest. And it isn't easy, and I think it never gets easier. But if we have a course to steer, I think we can survive what has happened to our families without being destroyed, ourselves.

    So, I guess that is what we have to do.

    I am so glad this site exists too, Stands.

  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think we have all been where you are at, Stands. I think that being able to voice our fears is only one benefit of coming to this site. The other benefit, and I feel it's the one that helps us with recovery, is to participate in other people's posts and see that what we are going through isn't nearly as bad as what some other people are going through with their families. I think that as we examine how we can help them, we recognize those things that can help us in our own journey.

    You really are talking to people who know what you mean. It's always easier from the outside looking in, especially when someone is in a bad place that you used to be in. I think that maybe it is time for you to talk to a professional about how you are still troubled daily about your son's current situation, and work on how you can get past that. There is so much more that life has to offer than worrying about your son.

    It's difficult to watch you be so distraught about him when this is the choice that he made with his eyes wide open. Whether it is drugs or alcohol or mental health issues or all three that are his problem, he knows he has them all and still chooses to do what he does. If every drug abusing person with a mental illness said "I can't control myself so I won't try", we'd be in an even worse world than we are in now.

    I know I have asked before, but I don't think you have answered. Are you planning to talk to a professional to get help with moving on with your life? I know that if feels good to come here and bare your soul about your feelings, but even as you say you are moving on, you are still talking about your son being in jail and bail and letters and accounts and etc. Maybe just for a day or two you could only post on other people's threads with advice to them. It might help you to see how valuable you are, and that you have better things to do with what you learned from your dealings with your son that just realizing how sad it all is.
  17. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Ok thanks Witzend. I will try that. Maybe it will help me. I will go see my counselor - I am just waiting for school to be over. 3 more l/2 days!!! yeah!
  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm glad that school will be out soon for you. You will find that thinking about something or someone else will be more difficult than you ever imagined. You may have to plan other things to think about. Gardening, bird watching, enjoying things that are around you. But it will be work, I promise. The rewards are really much better than worrying about our difficult children, for sure.
  19. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Oh, Witz ~ you are right about that! I remember when I was so fixated on difficult child that the only way I could stop the thoughts was to mentally shout "STOP".

    And it WAS hard.

    I had to go so far as to prepare myself for the "STOP" command by thinking, ahead of time, what I was going to replace the thoughts with.

    I used the Serenity Prayer.

    That helped me to understand that I could put the thoughts away and that, if ever there were something I could do for him, I would know.

    Here it is again for you, Susan.

    God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    the Courage to change the things I can,
    and the Wisdom to know the difference.

    Very good advice, Witz!



    P.S. It helped me too, Stands, to light a white votive candle for my son, when I was so worried about him that I couldn't pull myself away.

    Something about the flame and the white candle was so calming....
  20. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yes good advice given by all. Now I find myself thinking about my easy child more. he will be 18 in June. He has never had a girlfriend - he is a cute kid but kinda iimmature - he has not gone through puberty yet - he hangs with his guy friends that are the same - I dont really know what to do about everything - he is looking for a different job - he doesnt seems very anxious about getting a car - I just dont get it - what should I say to him - maybe this should be in watercooler!