Oh My...when it rains, it pours and pours and pours....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Mom2oddson, Feb 10, 2011.

  1. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    I can't even do justice in words for everything that is going on.

    Ant..... he's not using but he's not working the program either. And he no longer wants to do Job Corp or anything else..... So, it's just a matter of time.:hammer:

    Mom is so sick, but refuses to stay down because everything at her house just hit the fan:

    - We've got Grandma's stuff arriving any day and she is moving over 5,000 pounds of stuff to fit it into my Mom's already full house....
    - Grandma has her full mind, but she's a difficult child! She thinks Mom should throw all her stuff out so grandma's stuff can be in the house.
    -Grandma thinks that until her depends are FULL, they don't need to be changed. It's a waste of money. And since she's got her full mind, I can't force her. Oh, but she bought rubber pants to wear so it's okay.
    -Grandma thinks I OWE it to her and Mom to quit my job, loss my house, etc...and take care of her. Why do I need to waste time anywhere else? Don't I know my place?
    -Grandpa, who has advance Parkinsons is suddenly doing so much better that he could lose his place at the nursing home and have to be moved in with mom and Dad.
    -Oh and Mom's EKG that they did at the hospital last night wasn't good so she has something else scheduled tomorrow morning.
    -husband and I spent the day trying to help...OMG!! :groan: we haven't figured out who has the worse headache. At least we were able to give my Dad a couple of hours alone so that he could get some of his work done.
    - I already had grandma hijack my perm tomorrow. While I'm processing, she's getting her hair done.

    I know my Mom's health will not survive my Grandma much less both of them. I know my Dad isn't doing any better. They already checked into assisted living - there isn't enough money for even a year. So, a lot of this is going to fall on my shoulders..... I'd run away but that would leave mom and dad alone to face everything.

    I've been hating my job for over a year now....I'm Looking Forward to going to work tomorrow!! :imok:
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Honey -

    I usually know what to say......but.......um......wow......Rubber pants huh?

    What would happen if your Mom and Dad said - NOOOOOOOOO? No to the boxes, no to the help, no to the moving in, no to everything and said "look, I'm sick, and this is not happening." ?

    I guess maybe you can only change the things you (YOU) have control of. Do you think there is any chance you can look for a new job? One that you would actually like?

    I'm really sorry about your son......our kids have the worst timing in the world. I promise he didn't plan it....it just happens. This may be one of those times when he's going to have to grow up and do things on his own without Mom. I had to do that to Dude - it wasn't actually all that bad - I had a stroke because of him - he had no choice.

    If your Gma IS in full control of her faculties and is insisting on filling her Depends? I think I would talk to her doctor or health care person about it? This could lead to all kinds of infections and health issues. maybe by coming at it from THAT point? And someone telling her how unhealthy it is - not to mention the smell? It would get her to understand that cost vs. cost of illness is not worth sitting in your own mess.
    Absolutely no disrespect meant. A lot of people are way better at dealing with and coming up with ideas for dealing with elderly - ask them.

    As far as the budget for assisted living? I believe (not sure) that there is a way to find funding for state assistance? Not sure again....or maybe a way to use some of this money to go towards that? Maybe someone here will know? Perhaps there are other options at this time your family is unaware of?

    With regard to your sweet Mom? I think she needs help - Maybe there is a state agency that can assist? Surely there has to be some funding available? Depending on how old she is and where you live - there has to be a council on aging in your area......call them - call the hospitals and ask - call your local governors office......maybe the agency on aging has help for your grandparents as well? Day care?

    Sending you hugs and hugs and hugs......and loads of love
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I really feel your pain. I was a member of the sandwich generation by force not choice. Im eternally thankful I only had to deal with that for my mother and not my dad too. My mom was hard enough.

    I think you and your mom really need to hit up all the agencies that deal with the elderly. There has to be some help somewhere. I am betting your mom is no spring chicken herself. Taking care of her parents is going to kill her. They need to be in some separate housing from her. I know here we have low income housing that is specifically for elderly and disabled adults that isnt assisted living. Its like the step before that. Its basically HUD housing but you dont have the riff raff because its only elderly or disabled people in the units. You could probably arrange for in home help from some agency some how.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Oh wow.

    I realize it is in no way funny, but I had a real laugh over grandma. I had no trouble picturing any of that. lol

    But I've missed something. Why is grandma moving in with Mom and Dad when Mom's health is so obviously not up to it? I understand grandma has her full mind at this moment, but seriously this could change in an instant and is NOT a good idea. Perhaps assisted living for grandma is what needs to be looked into, instead of for Mom and Dad. I can see how grandma took over.........but this situation can go bad very quickly. Has me worried.

    As for the depends..........I'm with Star. I do understand grandma's reasoning. I so totally get it she'd probably adore me. lol But it is not healthy nor sanitary for her to do it with or without rubber pants. (that part really cracked me up) Skin sores with ecoli from the BMs would be nasty not to mention constant UTIs. Often having a medical professional discuss it with them helps more than with family. Family know nothing.......docs ect are basic gods to some. And they're skilled at such things.

    Sorry to hear difficult child is not working the program. Man........I swear I couldn't have crossed body parts harder for him. Breathe and let it go Mom, know it's hard, but he's got to want it.

    I hope through all of this you are making time for yourself for much needed breaks. You're important too.

  5. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    Thanks for the support.

    There is a family meeting today with the social worker to see what the options are. Of course, Dad now has Mom's bug, the meeting should be a lot of fun for him.

    I'm not even sure how all this came to be.... Mom is an only child, so taking care of her Mom is what she feels she needs to do. Up until December, Gma & Gpa lived alone in Michigan while my folks lived in Washington. (I've always thought the distance was a survival thing - and I think I was right). But anyways, Dec 26th Gpa got very sick and ended up in a nursing home. My folks were told that he was too weak and couldn't improve. He would remain there forever. Gma, even though in full mental faculties, doesn't have the greatest physical faculties. She's 93, she has trouble seeing and hearing, her balance is poor at the best, because of the arthritis, she has NO feeling in her hands so she gets 3rd degree burns and doesn't know it. So, she really couldn't live alone.

    So, Mom & Dad head to Michigan to work things out. Gma wanted to move up here instead of being in a home away from family. She played the guilt card with my Mom. "I don't want to die alone."... So, Gpa could live in a nursing home by his kids in Mich or come to a nursing home up here. He decides to move up here. And Gma would move in with my folks.

    Gpa arrived Friday night....and all of a sudden, he's doing so much better. I'll admit, years of dealing with mother in law and difficult children has left me very cynical... but I feel like we've been played. How could a man that couldn't improve for six weeks in a nursing home in Mich, suddenly improve so much in FIVE DAYS??? But, it could just be the cynical me.....

    So, I've got my warrior Mom (daughter) armor out and polished, got my rhino skin ready to roll... of course, I now have to teach my parents how to use those things.

    I don't know what is going to happen or how things will work out.....but, it always does. Somehow. Right??

    On the bright side, I have my therapist appointment on Monday!! Instead of dealing with difficult child kids, we'll be dealing with difficult child grandparents.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    You know - Something you said makes me want to tell you......DO NOT. And I'll tell you why. I'm an eternal optimist. So not isn't an option most days but in this case as a friend I'm going to tell you - keep the rhino skin, double up on that and do not teach your parents anything. At this point? Honey I think it would ONLY further serve to frustrate you like nobody's business. Instead you are going to have to figure out a way to 'back door' this thing. And I don't mean be sneaky and underhanded. I mean be sneaky and underhanded with a loving intent - big difference. Why? Well sneaky and underhanded with malice is just mean. But when done with loving intent and alson done to outwit a combined 160 years or so AND done as to solve grief on so many levels? It's not really sneaky or underhanded. It changes to 'best intentions' for all concerned. It takes a little more study - but well worth the arguments that you will avoid. And you've had so much practice already with difficult child you are sure to be a wiz at it.

    See if you can locate some books or on line material on effective communication. It will help. It's a backdoor strategy to getting all parties to agree on things that are best for them when they don't know it - and making THEM believe it was their idea all along. - Less stress for you, for your Mom, for your Dad.....save on Advil....lol.

    Takes a bit of practice....and it does not come natural to most people. But it works. I think this approach would work better with your Gma.....and do I think you got played? Well a lot of times they say elderly improve with a little attention and love - this could have been the case or Gma may just be a difficult child that you are going to have to out wit. - If it is Game on-----get the effective communication thing going and stay one step ahead. And get busy on that public assistance for your Mom and see what is out there. I'm thinking again - Day care for Granny. Activities DO keep you young and we certainly need to stay as active as we can for Gpa----right?

    ISh-----I don't envy you at all.

    Oh I know - maybe your SON.......can start taking care of Gma? OR go back to rehab?

  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hugs, sweetheart. It all does seem to hit at once, doesn't it?!

    My Mom was an only child too - and I am an only. That said? Her parents (now gone) moved into assisted living. Yes, they had the funds, but they also had help from the state. because Mom's name was on some of the accts, and in their case the state steamrolled them into letting the taxpayers help (HOW, I have NO CLUE. Mom and I were FLOORED.) But there IS help out there. And my parents? Have a certain amt set aside just in case. because they don't want me to have to handle them AND Onyxx AND Jett all at once. Not to mention mother in law and father in law (divorced) are both difficult children too and won't be able to afford anything. And I will NOT have them live with us. EEEEE!

    Go do something for you and block all this koi out for a while. Chocolate helps... {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}