Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Big Bad Kitty, Jul 24, 2008.
Did I read this right?
*insert tapping foot*
This won't be a popular response, but I understand if Susan's difficult child did come back to their home. For me, it was one thing to turn my son away when I knew he had other options, but when he was penniless and jobless and fresh out of jail, he would come home to get back on his feet.
I know looking back, those were weak moments for me, but I have always weighed my decisions by looking at what would be my future regret. Could I live with myself. I found I felt better at least giving the one last try. Of course I gave the one last try about a hundred times but anyway!! Point is, I had to go thru that stage, before I could get to the next stage: Detachment.
August 14 is NOT that far away. I'm guessing Susan & husband allowed difficult child to come home for 30 days. On the face of it, that seems reasonable. As long as there's a plan for August 15, and that difficult child is no longer living in their home on that day.
I have faith in Susan. I am sending cosmic hugs & strength!! And, oh, yes, BBK, my foot is tapping somewhat, too....
Yeah, I noticed that too and was wondering...I do get your point, Pony, about him being penniless and fresh out of jail. It's just that Stands kept telling him he couldn't come home--it would have been better to say he could come home and name the conditions in the first place. This gives her "no" absolutely no credibility now.
I get what you are saying too about giving it one last try about 100 times too! You are right, you cannot detach til you know in your heart that it truly is the last time. You know when you are there.
I would think that there should be more limits than just a time limit. No drugs, no drinking, get a job. If you can't get a job do a big huge chore for mom like repair the roof, paint the house, trim the shrubs, blah blah blah to earn your keep. And I can't say it enough - CLEAN AND SOBER AT ALL TIMES OR AUTOMATIC EVICTION.
And I agree with Jane. If Susan said "no" then let him come home anyway? Her word doesn't mean a thing.
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I didnt know ya'll would read that post! Just kidding. No - today we told him again he could either go get help or that August 13 was his last day. He started arguing he would go to outpatient, yada , yada , etc. we said no outpatient never helps - he called a friend and she said he might could live with them if he got a jjob and helped pay rent (she is bi) - so he said if that doesnt work out he will call my Dad (who loves him dearly) in Georgia but my sister lives with him and she doesnt give an inch - so I just know now that I am hindering him from getting help - sometimes it just seems that there is no where to go for help - however, he doesnt want to stop using - we thought maybe this was a turn around but he says we stress him out giving him a date - I told him he made the choice - I did what BBK told me to do and wrote down all the places he could get help - I went to an NA meeting and then gave him the pamphlet - he just thinks he can sit - i dont think so - i am ready - i understand what you all are saying - I know you think i am lame but I have to come to it even if I make mistakes doing it - but i sure am glad you all are still there for me - where did I post that to Colleen anyway?!
I keep asking myself this same question with Dude. How many times to I have to help and get gobsmacked before it will cross my brain that I can not continue to help. And Dude is only 17. If I'm still doing this when he's 24 - someone please just shoot me.
I digress - I don't ever want to be my mother in law. She's dead now and for all her suffering and enabling - my x is STILL the same, doing the same and my mother in law - skipped having a life of her own to save his.
I really dont' wish that on anyone.
I feel compelled to add that as I recall it, Susan wrote letters to the judge, the DA, the PO, and her son that he would not be allowed to come home upon his release. I think that if she wanted to have him come home, she should have thought it out and prepared everyone for that. Including the judge who let him go with "time served", perhaps because Susan said he couldn't go home. But to lie to herself, to a judge and everyone involved in the case gives her son no example of integrity, or of the importance of keeping your word. Honestly, if you just don't know what you're going to do, Susan, you should just say "I don't know what I will do, we'll deal with that when the time comes."
Seriously? So you told everyone REPEATEDLY, including difficult child, that he couldn't come home and you let him come home anyway?
Holy smokes...you are digging your own grave, Susan...and his, too.
Susan - Al-Anon site:
Co-Dependents Anonymous site:
How on earth do you figure THAT?! No one is hindering him from getting help but HIM. He is giving you excuses. Don't buy into them. He'll figure it out when he HAS NO OTHER CHOICE. Right now, he doesn't have to.
What good are NA pamphlets? Why on earth were you at that meeting, and not NarAnon?! I don't get that at all. Hasn't he been to rehab? NA pamphlets are worthless to him.
Let GO, Stands. Let GO.
Good question. I will go to Narconon = I did get info on when their meetings were = i will go to them and alanon - thanks for the websites and information - thanks for saying it is him hindering his recovery not me - thanks
BBK I am sorry I disappointed you..............................
Susan, I believe you are misinterpreting Crazy's message. You are focusing on the part that lets you off the hook and not the message she was really trying to convey...
He doesn't have to because you are continuing to enable him.
OK yes I do get her message. Enabling him is what we aredoing and it is stopping - i feel more guilty for that than anything.
I have gotten so angry with easy child over the last several years. She knows if she had a decent job able to pay rent, she would be out of here. I think that is why she has chosen not to get a job with enough hours to make rent payments. She is dragging her feet in fear that when she is financially capable, she will need to leave.
Your son is doing the same. If he gets a good paying job, then he has to face the responsibility of living on his own. He doesn't want to grow up.
Also, as long as he is home, it is harder to get him out. There will always be an excuse. He may even come to you on Aug 13th with, "Mom, I just found a job - interviews are next week and then there is one more week until I know for sure. Then, I will need to work two weeks before my 1st pay check. An apt will require a down payment meaning 2 pay checks, that is 2 more weeks I need to stay here. So, let me stay six more weeks." And of course because his future does look promising you will be tempted to give in just to find that either that was a lie or he did not pass the interview, however, another job has come up, let me stay one more month.
I hope things go well for you.
Adriannes scenario is something we have lived through...oh...so many times I cant count. We are still living it. I have given up making up idle threats I know we cant or wont follow through on. My theory is we may have to move out from under Cory. Literally. I am almost to the point that it wont bother me too much.
We have given him dates to move. Found the jobs, found the housing, yada yada. Something fell through. He lost the job, the housing fell through, no transportation...something. Always something. In some ways I think he is afraid to live away from us but wont admit it. Just like his older brother needs SOMEONE around...so does Cory. I am just getting tired of being that someone.
Dont tell anyone but I am just about ready to turn my place over to Tony and get a income based apartment for the disabled. He could come visit me. I would have peace and quiet for most of the time and when I wanted to see anyone I could. I could even access more services that way like home health.
Win win for me.
Don't feel guilty. Just don't do it.
While Adrianne's scenario is something that happens with difficult child's, it seems unlikely here. This is what happened when she gave him a timeline.
Susan - he's been high all this time, loafing around with you waiting on him, and not helping out. Right? Has he started fighting with and/or stealing from easy child yet? Has he stolen from you yet?
Do I think you're lame? No. I think you have a sickness that is beyond us. I think it's wrong of us to offer advice because it keeps you from getting the professional help you so desperately need that will help you, and help you with your difficult child. We're your crutch. And so long as others prop you up I am going to push you forward.
Stands, print that out and tape it to your mirror -- use it as your mantra to meditate -- put it on your answering machine and call yourself five times a day to listen to the message. "She's dead now and for all her suffering and enabling - my x is STILL the same, doing the same and my mother in law - skipped having a life of her own to save his."
Look at me - difficult child is a week shy of 28, and worse off than ever. After 15 years of "helping", what good have we done? None, least of all for her. Only damage. That is where you will be four years from now too -- and eight years, and twelve, and twenty-four; and eventually, like Star's mother in law, you will have gone to your grave having let him waste another life besides his own: yours.
When you said he had one month to shape up, do you know what he heard? "Here, have a free ride for a month, on me."
You can still save your life if you will finally cut the cord. If you think he'll hate you for it forever, consider this: he already despises you. Everything about his actions says so. You count for nothing. Your only existence in his eyes is as a servant to do his bidding.
Seperately, you each have a chance. As things are now, neither of you do.
If you can't face him and stand your ground yourself, which is pretty clearly the case, enlist someone else to do it. If you still can't/won't, at least don't set another deadline -- each time another ultimatum goes by unenforced, you dig yourself in a little deeper, credibility-wise.
Holding good thoughts for you.
You are dealing with a sickness. YOUR sickness. It is FAR beyond anything I can offer support or advice for. I am sorry, but I cannot send support or messages. You KNOW what you are doing by letting him live at home while he is using.
YOU are ABUSING your younger son. You just ARE. Maybe no one else will say it, but I WILL. It is ABUSE to make him live with the person who has stolen from him and abused him in the past.
YOU also may as well be going to the dealer and buying the drugs then doling them out to your older son. YOU. Because you gave him a free ride for a month.
Go get some help Susan.
Separate names with a comma.