Oh the ups and downs

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by New Leaf, Sep 14, 2015.

  1. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Woke up this morning in kind of a funk, two weeks since the abrupt exodus. Lord help me swallow this big lump in my throat. It is not easy. Trying not to worry. Trying to get used to not seeing my grandchildren. Husband seems to be unaffected, it is a guy thing I suppose.

    I have decided that when I feel this way I will meditate and say a prayer for all of them.

    My daughter continues in her pattern of righteous indignation. After all, according to her, her lifestyle is all "my fault".

    I don't buy in to that-just saying. So, I know I will not be hearing from her for a long while. What is, is.

    Her boyfriend texted me looking for paperwork left behind; "Can you pick me up from the bus stop so I can come get it?" "No, I will look for it and drop it off to you at the bus stop if I find it" He says thank you and by the way we need a letter saying that she and the kids had to get out." "What for?" "So we can get into a program. Im just the messenger."

    Hmmm. So I sit down and write a short letter-

    To whom it may concern:

    Our daughter _____ through her choices, actions and statements has made it clear that her father and I are not able to provide the help she needs to build a better life for herself and her children. We are praying that she and her children will be able to find a living arrangement where they will all receive help through counseling.

    We love our daughter and her children dearly and wish only the best for them. We realize now after reviewing the past several years and attempts we have made to help, that it has only enabled _____ to continue on a destructive path. As grandparents, we have no right to make decisions for our grandchildren, she is their parent, and they are her responsibility. Through our “help”, we have not empowered our daughter to reach her full potential as an adult and mother.

    Therefore, as of _____ 2015_____ and her children are no longer able to live in our home. We are hoping that with the proper help, counseling and guidance she needs, our daughter will be able to overcome any obstacles, to learn to make better choices, to work on sobriety and focus on the wellbeing and care of her children.

    I do not think this is the letter that they envisioned, but I refuse to write something to the tune that we "kicked them out." She needs to take responsibility for her actions, and I have to stop allowing her to bait me by dangling the grandchildren in front of us.

    This will take some time to get over, and a lot of work to forge a new way of thinking, and becoming proactive rather than reactive. Just have to continue on, learn and grow from this and ride the emotional roller coaster as it comes.

    I read an interesting article on love and boundaries. It pretty much summed it up by saying that if we don't set healthy boundaries, we are not loving ourselves, and if we do not love ourselves, we are incapable of loving others.

    I wish I had this understanding and resolve years ago. But, I suppose everything is learned in it's due time.

    I will continue to pray that my daughter sees her worth and potential, and sees the blessing she has with healthy children.

    Thanks to all here for your support and kindness, I hope this day has brought you peace.
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  2. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    That was an awesome letter !!! I soooo feel your pain as I have a daughter who will soon be 40 and has 4 kids with 4 different men. and still doesn't get it! We just recently had a huge argument because she wanted to move in with me and I said NO !!!! I have tried numerous times to do things to try to get her on her feet, but she just wont take the initiative to help herself. I am talking to her again but keeping my guard up !!! I too pray that she one day finds the strength inside to make life better for her and her kids. The hardest part is seeing how the little one, who is three, living in the environment he has to live in. It is difficult to hold on to the tough love thing. I am just so happy to have found this site where you can vent with people who know what you are going through. I think alls we can do is pray for them and leave it in gods hands!
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    New Leaf, the letter you wrote is amazing!! Well done.

    Yes, I'm sure this is not the letter she had in mind but I think it makes it perfectly clear where you stand. I hope when she reads it she will take it to heart and be open to seeing her self as she is and accept responsibility for her own actions.

    You are doing really well. I am so glad you are here with us.
    Thank you for sharing.

  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you soooo tired for your post. I am so sorry that you are going through similar trials. It is very difficult to see our grandbabie's suffering, as my husband always says "We worked hard to try and make a better life for our children." He grew up in an ultra dysfunctional family, and wanted much more for his own. We tried the best we could to raise our children with love. Of course we made mistakes and had our fair share of challenges as parents.

    I suppose I have to look at this thusly, I am not doing my grandchildren any good if their parent does not show respect for us as parents. What lesson are they learning? How will they be able to view adults, trust adults? How will they eventually view us?

    Yes, prayer is good, please God keep our grandchildren safe, and help their parents make better choices.

    Prayers for all for better days and focus on remaining firm and strong.

  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you Tanya for your words of support. Feeling a little better today and making decisions for the security and peace of my home.

    ((HUGS back atcha))