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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 667610" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>We have been where you are too, Echo. I am sorry this is happening.</p><p></p><p>The most helpful thing I can think to tell you is to understand detachment parenting as a set of tools we can use to detach from the emotions. If we can recognize and manage our emotions, we can stay steady state. Panic? Just sit with it. Frustration? Sit with it. Recognize whatever emotion it is. Let it be.</p><p></p><p>"Oh. That's just my panic. My anger. My fear. My grief."</p><p></p><p>That helped me very much. I had to walk a fine line. In times when I felt raw or vulnerable, I stayed very quiet. I stayed home, if I could. One day? A lady I had liked so much but did not know well yet stopped over unexpectedly. And I was behaving like a normal person in every way until she said, "So, how are you?"</p><p></p><p>And I just blurted out the whole thing.</p><p></p><p>And I could not, for the life of me, shut my mouth.</p><p></p><p>I hate when that happens.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Try not to write the end of the story.</p><p></p><p>Whether it's good news or bad, try not to write the end of the story.</p><p></p><p>We have to stay very much in the Now.</p><p></p><p>That is best.</p><p></p><p>That, we can do.</p><p></p><p>We can manage our emotional responses.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I think it helps not to judge. Which is so hard, for me. But just to take one thing as it comes and then, the next thing. If you can find some imagery that portrays that feeling for you, that will make it easier to reach for centering.</p><p></p><p>You note you are a practicing Buddhist at the bottoms of your posts, Echo. If you look on image.google.com for Buddha images, there will be one there you respond to. There is an image of the Buddha, sleeping so peacefully, that helps me when I cannot sleep, for instance. I feel the peaceful breath in him and get a bead on where I need to be.</p><p></p><p>When I was not on the hot seat speaking to my child, I would place myself in a place of affection for her. Then, I would think what would be the helpful things to communicate, from her point of view. If I were her, and I was talking to a mom I trusted, what would comfort me? I would remember that she was afraid and confused, too. That prepared me, when the phone rang. No panic, because I would remember how I wanted to be, for her.</p><p></p><p>That helped me.</p><p></p><p>It gave me just the smallest breath of a place to stand.</p><p></p><p>Writing that there are really only three prayers, Anne Lamott published the book, <u>Help! Thanks! Wow! </u> Just before I answer the phone, and oh so many times during every conversation with my kids, I still say "Help!"</p><p></p><p>I can't think of anything else. Take good care of your health, of course. That matters.</p><p></p><p>Here is something I learned recently: "When chopping onions, just chop onions."</p><p></p><p>Tears are just part of chopping onions, or of loving someone who is troubled, or maybe, just a part of loving someone, at all.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 667610, member: 17461"] We have been where you are too, Echo. I am sorry this is happening. The most helpful thing I can think to tell you is to understand detachment parenting as a set of tools we can use to detach from the emotions. If we can recognize and manage our emotions, we can stay steady state. Panic? Just sit with it. Frustration? Sit with it. Recognize whatever emotion it is. Let it be. "Oh. That's just my panic. My anger. My fear. My grief." That helped me very much. I had to walk a fine line. In times when I felt raw or vulnerable, I stayed very quiet. I stayed home, if I could. One day? A lady I had liked so much but did not know well yet stopped over unexpectedly. And I was behaving like a normal person in every way until she said, "So, how are you?" And I just blurted out the whole thing. And I could not, for the life of me, shut my mouth. I hate when that happens. *** Try not to write the end of the story. Whether it's good news or bad, try not to write the end of the story. We have to stay very much in the Now. That is best. That, we can do. We can manage our emotional responses. *** I think it helps not to judge. Which is so hard, for me. But just to take one thing as it comes and then, the next thing. If you can find some imagery that portrays that feeling for you, that will make it easier to reach for centering. You note you are a practicing Buddhist at the bottoms of your posts, Echo. If you look on image.google.com for Buddha images, there will be one there you respond to. There is an image of the Buddha, sleeping so peacefully, that helps me when I cannot sleep, for instance. I feel the peaceful breath in him and get a bead on where I need to be. When I was not on the hot seat speaking to my child, I would place myself in a place of affection for her. Then, I would think what would be the helpful things to communicate, from her point of view. If I were her, and I was talking to a mom I trusted, what would comfort me? I would remember that she was afraid and confused, too. That prepared me, when the phone rang. No panic, because I would remember how I wanted to be, for her. That helped me. It gave me just the smallest breath of a place to stand. Writing that there are really only three prayers, Anne Lamott published the book, [U]Help! Thanks! Wow! [/U] Just before I answer the phone, and oh so many times during every conversation with my kids, I still say "Help!" I can't think of anything else. Take good care of your health, of course. That matters. Here is something I learned recently: "When chopping onions, just chop onions." Tears are just part of chopping onions, or of loving someone who is troubled, or maybe, just a part of loving someone, at all. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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