Oh! What a night!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Nov 22, 2011.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    difficult child has been surly and mean all week, and last night told me that one of his "friends" at school is threatening to tell his girlfriend something about him. I asked him if it was something illegal and he said, no, of course not. So I said, "Something potentially embarassing, then," and he was quiet. Lord knows, he wont' tell me. At any rate, we went to therapy tonight and he was an absolute jerk to the therapist and at the end of the session, the dr told difficult child that we adults had done all the work during the session and that "I don't know" and "I can't think of anything" are not appropriate answers, and that he was very upset with and disappointed in his behavior and expected better next time.
    husband and I took separate cars (he had a dental appointment right next to the therapist b4hand) so he drove difficult child home, and I spent 1/2 hr with-P, at the assisted living ctr across the street.
    By the time I got home, difficult child had his friend, T, over at thehouse and planned an overnight. Sigh. Turns out there is no school tomorrow.
    I went to give difficult child his medications, and he balked because it wasn't exactly 9:30. Never mind that he's taken them as early as 8:30 and as late as 11 p.m. So he found some awful, disgusting "music" and played it to get rid of me. I stayed for nearly 15 min, playing around, making fun of the "music" and how none of the rappers could sing to save their lives, and the videos were inane and just as repetitive as the "music," and difficult child and his friend were choosing more and more obnoxious pieces. Finally, when the lyrics became louder and more vulgar, "Moth-- f---er," you get the idea, I said "That's it," and took the cord to the laptop (I think it was an oversized ipod thing) and phone, which actually belonged to his friend, and walked out.
    difficult child tried to block me in the hallway and swore at me, and easy child intervened.

    (I know that some of you would say I shouldn't have done that ... taken the cord, and by the way, I didn't know that his friend had brought over his own equp ... but all of a sudden, it hit me, how ghetto and vulgar this all is and how inured difficult child is to it, like it's all perfectly normal, and that's his status symbol. No wonder he treats me like cr*p. Not that he didn't to begin with.)

    easy child is home from school and I was really, pleasantly surprised by her reaction. She flew out of her room and gave him the what-for and he finally agreed to take his medications, but by then I told him I was not returning the cord(s). husband came upstairs to see what the fuss was about and difficult child told him to lay off and called him names, too, and shut the door in his face.
    His friend, T, came out in the hall and talked to husband and tried to be the peacemaker (interesting to see how everyone assumes these roles when a crisis hits). He said that difficult child is upset because I keep talking about how much younger his girlfriend is. Um, keep talking about it? I didn't find out until therapy today that she's 12! (He's going to be 15 in 3 wks.) And I didn't drive home with-him, husband took him home. And when I got home, I made sausages and OJ and cookies and never had a conversation with-him so what the h*** is he obsessing about? He is blaming me for everything that has gone wrong this week.

    Afterward, I thanked easy child and told her that I'd found the perfect therapeutic boarding school for him and she said, "What are you talking about? The min he skipped school last mo, I would have sent him straight to a military academy."
    I thought difficult child was too young, and she said she has two friends whose mothers did it.
    Validation. Gotta love it.
    She told both husband and me that she thinks we are so used to difficult child's behavior that we don't realize how bad it is, and she's been gone for so long, it really jumps out at her.

    Please keep me focused ... I intend to meet with-our investment counselor and tax acct on Monday (if they are in town) to talk about cashing in one of my IRAs, regardless of tax penalty, because I refuse to live like this. Forget retirement--I have to make it through the next 4 yrs. Plus, it isn't helping difficult child any, either.
    easy child said that difficult child is taller and bigger now and, yes, scary. Of course, she didn't act scared but she said he is more aggressive than he was b4 she left, and she sees it getting worse.
    husband, of course, always wants to keep the peace. Not going to happen any more.
    Remind me and ask me how far I've gotten with-my research, phone calls and planning, okay?
    Thank you.:sigh:
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs and strength, Terry.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry, I absolutely think they are correct. I do not think this is all related to an AS diagnosis. His threatening you every time you take anything to do with the electronics or any screen is much more intense that AS. Most people with AS want to follow rules. They are actually black and white thinkers and if a rule is laid down, it must be followed. Everyone must follow it or they get upset. I cannot imagine my aspie son breaking into my room to get to my computer. Cory, at that time, oh yes. Nothing was safe from him.

    You are finding more and more things that he is manipulating you on. You need to make a stand now before he does this outside the home where you have no input into what happens to him. Just look at what happened to Klmno's son. You really dont want C to end up in that situation. He will if you dont stop this in its tracks now. Im not sure if a military academy is the perfect setting for him though there is a wonderful one up near Blackstone or Black something. I get those cities mixed up since I have been gone from VA so long. LOL. Just southeast of VATech I believe. He may do better in an emotional growth boarding school. I believe there is one run by the methodist childrens home in Richmond. Or there was. I called them when I was looking for placements for Cory years ago. I can call a woman who got her son into a wonderful place when she was having trouble with her son about a year ago who works with Jamie. I believe it was in VA. I talked to her for a long time on the phone and she said the place was wonderful. They take kids with all sorts of mental health diagnosis's and she was extremely happy with it and last I heard the boy was back home and doing well. I believe he was in for around 9 months.
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I'm so sorry. difficult child appears to be getting bolder and bolder. I agree with your easy child - when they get older, taller, bigger, it gets a little scarier.

    Stay strong.

  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ditto the others.

    PS These boys tend to get madder and want to react stronger at this age when it's a mom cracking down on them in front of one of their peers.

    My step-father, a very good man, was raised by a single father who found my step-father starting to go astray and get too big for his britches, even for a father, when he was in middle school. My step-father was sent to a military boarding school for all his high school years. He did a tour in the military, went to college, and became a fine prof and family man. In hindsight, I think the key is to get them there early along in this, before patterns become too ingrained.
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I will agree with once they get bigger and stronger it can get somewhat scarier. We're facing that with our difficult child, too. If you think that sending him to a miliraty type school and it's something that you can swing, then I think that you should do, it make sure that he understands that it's something that you're doing out of love for him, and that he does not think that you're sending him away. That hard for a difficult child of any age to understand, I think, but if he thinks that you're sending him away he might get even more resentful.

    Good luck.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Another thought- I used to be adamant that I wouldn't use difficult child's college savings for a k-12 behavior/MH/educational program. BUt I have learned that if a kid goes to a boarding school and successfully graduates, it''s not too hard for him to get scholarships and other financial aid. If he isn't successful, then the college savings aren't going to help a lot anyway. And the kind of college fund I had for him would could have been used toweard boarding school, although it wouldn't have covered the entire costs. Again...hindsight.

    The boarding school my step-father was in was religious based and since I KNOW there was no way his father could have afforded it on his own salaray, I'm thinking the church must have covered a good chunk of the cost.
  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    It's somewhat interesting that you chose to speak of his music as people with no talent as opposed to inappropriate talk in your home. I would dig in my heels if someone thought my music was not any good. On the other hand, understanding that mom doesn't allow that sort of language is a boundary that, I think, kids get even if they don't abide by it. Just a thought.
    If what you are doing isn't working and is not helping difficult child or the family, I think making nice, patching things up, trying to tolerate it is partly magical thinking and a fair amount of not wanting to face the obvious. Looking for someone who can help difficult child to overcome his challenges is a loving, healthy thing to do.
    Go for it.
  9. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I agree completely and this is what I admittedly did for many years. If you have the resources to get him help now, I would definitely do it. Nip it early.
  10. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    (((Hugs))) I'm glad easy child was home to support you.

    I REALLY hope that sex isn't on his mind at this point. But, if it is, someone might want to point out to him that the minimum sentence for someone having sex with a 12 year old is 5 years in prison (in Virginia) even if she is a willing partner.
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yep- the age of consent in VA is 13yo. difficult child is in Department of Juvenile Justice with a few who have done this. He is thankful now that I found out his first 'girlfriend' was 10yo when he was 12yo and jumped over to her parents' house quickly so we could prevent future communication between the 2.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all.
    Yes, difficult child was very manipulative and controlling last night. And angry.
    Fran, I hear you. It is not lack of talent in music as opposed to lyrics, it is both. I spoke to him and his friend about the lyrics this a.m. It was hard getting difficult child to talk because his friend is extremely verbal and kept jumping in to speak for difficult child. Argh. difficult child didn't seem to mind that he had a translator.
    They woke me up and asked me which chores difficult child had to do. The first two difficult child said NO to. Say what? I found other chores for him to do and told him he could do the first two on the list later. Then T left to do his chores (their plan was to do them together but T's mom wanted him to do his alone). He will be back, no doubt. ;)
    I am calling several places today and have to differentiate between those places that are a really good placement, and those that will take anyone because they need the money ... that's what happened with-P at assisted living. Sigh.

    by the way, difficult child is ADAMANT that his girlfriend is none of my biz, that she is not too young, and that I have to apologize to him for even bringing it up in therapy. I told him I apologized for making him feel threatened. However, it is my job as a mother to stay informed, to have an opinion, and in most cases, direct him. He disagreed and I could see him ramping up again.
    They have not been alone ... yet. I have to figure out her last name and where she lives. I'll bet I can get it from T if difficult child won't tell me.
    I do not see difficult child as a predator. I see him as a hormonally challenged, potentially possessive, emotionally immature bomb waiting to go off.
  13. buddy

    buddy New Member

    First, I have had cable cords, ds cords, and chargers of various kinds hidden in my room on and off for years! LOL, sometimes we have to do the short term thing to just get done what MUST get done. For me it has never paid off in the long run and I have had to work harder to fix the anxiety it caused long term, but there were times when there was just no other way (that came to me anyway) in those moments....

    Second, the bigger, stronger scary thing... I can relate. I am so desperate to get back to status quo (and even that is iffy at times) but maybe this is my new normal for a while and like you, if things get worse, I may have to re-think the plan... I did start that process when he was in psychiatric hospital.

    Third, you did great. I agree with changing financial plans. I did. Had to cash in retirement etc. to be able to stay home with him. It is all gone now. But it has kept him home and progressing for 4 years. We only get one chance to do the parenting thing with each child. Do what you need to do.

    I love that easy child can support you. That is cool.

    Thinking of you.... Buddy
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you. :)

    Looks like everything is closed today. So I'm sending out emails and leaving ph msgs. I'll get a flood of return calls on Monday, I'm sure. :)