Oh what a ride.... court today

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Jun 5, 2013.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi all.... I am very behind and hope to catch up
    Owith everyone later today.... but thought I would let you know what is going on here.
    difficult child came back to town and called us Sunday. We went to see him. He looked really good (not real thin which is a relief). He is in this crazy situation with girlfriend (who is also a difficult child in my opinion) where she has some involvement with a much older man who is supporting her, and she in turn got my difficult child a hotel room and they were planning on eventually living together after difficult child proves he is committed to living a healthy life.... although difficult child was very unclear on what that meant exactly. He clearly is not totally sober as he ordered a beer at lunch (which he paid for because he knew we would not want to!). So its a situation of her having a sugar daddy and in turn being a sugar mama to difficult child.... kind of disgusting really.

    But it was good to see him and relieved my mind a little bit and I had a good night sleep that night. My husband and I are fully aware that eventually he will get in some kind of trouble and there are warrants out for his arrest.

    Well it didnt take long. He called Monday night from jail....he had smoked in the hotel room, set off the firre alarmm, the police came and ran him and he had 5 warrants out for his arrest. When he called he was crying and man I just melted and felt so bad for him. He begged me to go to court the next day. I had a work committment and told him I would try.

    I tossed and turned all night trying to figure out work and going to court. I know I dont want to enable him but my gut told me I needed to be there. I finally realized that my gut was saying to me his only chance of not becoming a hardened criminal is to know that his mother loves him. It gave me clarity and I cancelled stuff at court and I went.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm glad your choices brought you some peace of mind. Like most of the parents here I grew up in a black and white world with few complications. Parenting difficult child's is like a step into the Twilight Zone and the decision making is challenging. I relate to your post and support your decision. Hugs DDD
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    So the judge at one court released him but told him he had to be at the other court by this morning!!! Leaving me of course to get him there... he came out and was like forget it I am going to get drunk and say goodbye! So I called him girlfriend, talked to her and she agreed to talk to him and meet him at court... so she did and then I dropped him off with her for a bit of time and went and had lunch... I was fully expecting him to blow me off but I figured it is then in his court and next time they wont let him go!! But he did call me and meet me and so he turned himself in yesterday!!!

    So now the court is trying to figure out what to do... he had a court appointed attorney. The probation officer was right on the money about how he goes to treatment and then runs at a certain point. She feels he needs residential treatment and I said yeah where he cant leave! The atty seems pretty good actually, I talked with her also.

    So he was detained last night and is going to drug court today to be evaluated...problem is he does not have a place to live... I had to tell the atty (and therefore the court that there was no way he could live with me). It is all very complicated..... if he doesnt get into drug court then the atty may try and get him into some kind of treatment program.. or maybe make a deal for 8 mo in prison so he could do the program there......

    So we go back this afternoon and will see what happens. At this point it is out of my hands and I am just hoping they do the right thing whatever that is!!

    More later.

  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Praying with you TL!!!! Why do they have to make things SO hard on themselves?? The good thing is, hopefully once he has spent some time in jail, he will NEVER want to go back!!
  5. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am hoping he ends up where he needs to be...

    *I know the waiting is really hard and I am thinking of you.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well you certainly have been a busy girl. In a way I guess it's good that he is getting this stuff dealt with now. He can't keep running. If he could only look to the future a bit and realize if he can get tis behind him he can't start over again.

    FWIW I would have done the same as you TL. No good can come from abandoning him in court. You want him to get help, and courts like to know they have a support system because they realize the success rate is better.
  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Another here hoping difficult child ends up where he will get the most benefit/help.

    Hang in there TL,
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    So I went to court today... I went early so I could speak to his PO. I told her that he had had more treatment than she knew... and that no way could he live with the girlfriend and that in fact one of the charges involved her!! I said I didnt necessarily want him to know I was saying anything but I wanted her to have the facts.

    The girlfriend also came to court and I actually talked to her quite a bit... her story is quite a bit different than difficult children and I trust her a lot more than I trust him (sad but true). She says he lies to her all the time and she never knows what to believe... and also that when he gets drunk he gets violent. (Ugh not what I want to hear). It doesnt sound like from her point of view they are really in a relationship, more of a friendship. She cares about him and wants to help him. I told her I think every time they start talking he gets his hopes up and it might be better if after he is settled she really cuts it off or at least makes it really clear there is no hope.

    So we went into court... he has been cooperating with the drug court evaluation..... and everything is postponed until Tuesday when the lawyer from yesterday can be there... so he is being held until then. I think it is on hold because they are looking for some kind of residential treatment for him. Sounds like drug court is pretty strict and has different levels... ie residential then outpatient, but if you test dirty you go back or end up in jail. He is looking at a possible 18 month sentance sohe will agree to residential treatment.

    Makes me wonder if we should have left it to the courts a long time ago instead of trying to find him our own treatment!!! Of course it wont be as nice but that was his own doing. Then I think well at least this way I know we have done everything we can and he keeps choosing to leave or break the rules and get kicked out..... so I do not have to wonder if we did enough.

    The girlfriend has a connection with a doctor at one of the premium mental health places here and she was thinking of asking him if he coudl get him help..... at first i thought great... and then I thought no wait a mintue that will cost us again, and really we are done paying for treatment.... he doesnt stick with it. It is time to let the court handle this.... we have given him chance after chance after chance and we cant do it yet again.

  9. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member


    I know what you mean about handing the reins to someone else. You want the best thing, the right thing but...who knows what that is. We can point to all the things we have tried....wise, logical things....which have failed.

    It sounds like you have some at least small amount of peace. I'm praying the outcome is exactly what he needs.
  10. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    Sounds like there will be some good options on the table through court. I support your decision to stop paying and let him work through the court system. There comes a time when u have done all u can do. I also think at some point it's helpful for it to be coming from someone else other than a parent.
  11. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    You KNOW I am in the same exact spot and you are right - the courts can do a much better job and have great resources!! Yes, it is extensive and strict, but it is HAS to be. These programs are designed to keep them busy doing the right things. They are designed to hold them accountable. :)

    I am glad your son is in this position, too - hopefully this is the catalyst of change for him, too!!!

    (((HUGS))) my friend!!!
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thanks PG.... I have been thinking of you too and struck by how similar our situations are in some ways!! I am just waiting for Tuesday to see what happens.....At this point I am happy because he will get treatment either way... either in a residential program via drug court or he will be in the drug program at the prison. I just want some time again where I know he is relatively safe and not on the streets.

  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wrote a long reply and hit a wrong key and pof it's gone. Happens a lot to me and I don't understand why.

    Anyway I think you are right to let the courts do this. We had to finally drop our difficult child from our isurance when we realized we could no longer afford to pay for treatment and she qualified for more being indigent.

    The girlfriend thing worries me. Didn't she realize what it meant when he came back to this area? He obviously has different feelings for her than she has for him. It will throw him for a loop but she will have to cut off contact with him because I don't think he will understand it any other way.
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    As sad as it is, I think jail really was the best thing that could have happened for my daughter - she agrees. She knew plenty of people that had went to jail, but she had to experience it for herself to know this is NOT where she wants to be. It is amazing talking to her now after 45 days of sobriety. It is like talking to a different person. She called last night and she sounded....more at ease? Maybe knowing that there is a plan for her and knowing where she is headed has eased her mind a bit. Nevertheless, my husband called it. He said wait until 30 days and he said 45 would be even better. Unfortunately, he knows this from difficult child experience, but he was right on - actually she has been a couple of days ahead of schedule. LOL

    I could never repay these women for the help they are giving my difficult child. Makes me want to change careers and go to work for the courts instead. :)

    I pray this has the same effect on your difficult child....

    by the way, I will be up north Thanksgiving week this year - maybe we can get together for coffee!! :)
  15. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Ladies, Having the courts order my son into a facility where he receives top notch psychiatry and counseling along with a strong behavior modification program of rewards and cosequences, has been awesome. It is not coming from me and he can't demand to come home when things don't suit his royal pain in the drain self. I have been enjoying the freedom to do for me and address my needs without worrying about him on a daily basis.

    I pray that each of our troubled kiddos benefit from the help being offered.
  16. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I hope the court ordered treatment can help make a difference for my son. I know the 2 weeks he spent in jail did make a difference at the time but i guess he kind of "forgot" about that consequence.... or he is so off in his thinking that he thinks he can avoid the police.... which gosh makes me feel like he has probably done a lot and gotten away with it because to me he always seems to be caught!!! I think there is a lot of bad stuff I dont know about.

    And yes I would love to meet you for coffee!!!