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PatriotsGirl
Guest
Apparently it being an unlawful search ended up getting him sprung....yay....not....
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PatriotsGirl
Guest
I saw her yesterday. She called to ask if she could stop by to say hi. She looked better and wanted nothing. Just some hugs and to talk. 
I can't help it - I love her so dearly. I can't just cut her out of my life. I just really need to keep those boundaries really strong.
So difficult child has been with A hole since his release, of course, but says she isn't sure she wants to be with him afterall. She doesn't exactly know what she wants now. HA. Go figure...
On a side note, someone at my work reached out to me. Her son is 19 and has been sober a year and a half. I had NO idea. We have made plans to get together.
I can't help it - I love her so dearly. I can't just cut her out of my life. I just really need to keep those boundaries really strong. So difficult child has been with A hole since his release, of course, but says she isn't sure she wants to be with him afterall. She doesn't exactly know what she wants now. HA. Go figure...
On a side note, someone at my work reached out to me. Her son is 19 and has been sober a year and a half. I had NO idea. We have made plans to get together.
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Signorina
Guest
I am glad you saw her and that you shared hugs and love. I think the hardest part is trying to maintain the balance between having them in your life without crossing the enabling boundary. And as parents, I think we get very cautious that our unconditional love for them can translate into acceptance/approval of their choices. I'm not sure how we can actively disengage from their bad choices while trying to stay connected. But I do know in my heart that it's worth a shot.
"I'm here, I love you, I hate what you're doing with your life and I won't support it or enable it, (and for g-d's sake, could you PLEASE come to your senses!!!) but I also won't give up on you and I will always love you 110% ...even if it has to be from a distance"
What's the alternative? Walking away? Or the opposite-pretend its all rosy? I have to believe that the tough work of giving unconditional love WITHOUT enabling will make a difference someday. Even if only in our own lives.
That's why we're here, I think. It's the common bond among the SA moms. Loving our children and hating their lifestyles. And looking for balance. Tough love is toughest on us. {{hugs}}
"I'm here, I love you, I hate what you're doing with your life and I won't support it or enable it, (and for g-d's sake, could you PLEASE come to your senses!!!) but I also won't give up on you and I will always love you 110% ...even if it has to be from a distance"
What's the alternative? Walking away? Or the opposite-pretend its all rosy? I have to believe that the tough work of giving unconditional love WITHOUT enabling will make a difference someday. Even if only in our own lives.
That's why we're here, I think. It's the common bond among the SA moms. Loving our children and hating their lifestyles. And looking for balance. Tough love is toughest on us. {{hugs}}
PG, I'm so glad you got to see your difficult child and that she looked better and didn't ask for anything. Loving someone so much AND exerting boundaries on their behavior is quite the balancing act for us weary souls, but you're doing a good job. I don't think cutting her out of your life is an alternative, finding the balance between the love and the distance is the tightrope we all walk. Not knowing what she wants really is fitting to someone 19 years old.........she now knows the difference between sobriety and all the other alternatives thanks to you and your commitment to her. Being on the sidelines loving her while not accepting her poor choices will hopefully give her the room to make better choices. To find a person you can relate to at your work is a such a wonderful gift for you, I'm happy you've found that support for yourself. (((HUGS))))
PG I would never ever cut my difficult child out of my life. You are doing all the right things in letting your difficult child know that you love her unconditionally but will not enable or support her habit. We need to keep that door open so that if and when they get tired of the life they are living they have a soft place to land. Keep those boundaries up but keep a light on in the window.
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toughlovin
Guest
I am with the rest of you. I could never cut my difficult child out of my life, disown him, or stop loving him. He is my son and I love him no matter what.... but part of loving them is not enabling them in my opinion and finding that balancing point can be very hard at times!!! And I love him but I dont always like him very much!!!
So for me it is to keep letting him know I love him but like you said setting those boundaries AND for me at this point it is taking a step back, keeping my mouth shut and not judging him. Keeping my mouth shut is sometimes the hardest part but I have come to realize that often what i say is not helpful to him... but loving and accepting him (not necessarily what he does) makes a huge difference.
TL
So for me it is to keep letting him know I love him but like you said setting those boundaries AND for me at this point it is taking a step back, keeping my mouth shut and not judging him. Keeping my mouth shut is sometimes the hardest part but I have come to realize that often what i say is not helpful to him... but loving and accepting him (not necessarily what he does) makes a huge difference.
TL
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PatriotsGirl
Guest
I find it impossible to keep my mouth shut. Impossible. LOL. It is just not in my nature! I have a very type A personality. But I get it, I get that I need to back away. She is an adult...
But yes, that boundary is SO hard....SO hard!!
But yes, that boundary is SO hard....SO hard!!
lovemysons
Well-Known Member
Me too! Sometimes it takes everything I have to keep my mouth shut. So hard...
Glad you got to see your daughter, PG. Glad she is rethinking this relationship too.
I hope someday she will give herself a truly loving partner in life...someone sober.
Thinking of you,
hugs,
LMS
Glad you got to see your daughter, PG. Glad she is rethinking this relationship too.
I hope someday she will give herself a truly loving partner in life...someone sober.
Thinking of you,
hugs,
LMS
