Ok, here's the doubt....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by klmno, Jul 6, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I liked this guy I met for lunch. I've only been chatting with him about a week though so it's not like we are in love or anything. The big doubt I have about whether or not he's married lies in this:

    According to him, he's divorced and has been for about 8 years, he works at a place about 20 miles from me (I believe what he's told me about his work), he lives about a 1-hour drive away and he has been commuting about 6 mos but plans to move when he figures out what to do with his house there, his kids are grown but his youngest, an 18yo daughter, lives with him along with her baby son. He has to stay home some evenings in order to babysit his grandson while the daughter is at work. He says she plans to move out this summer. Well, it could also be HIS baby with a WIFE and that's why he has to be home most evenings, right? Or even if it is his dua''s baby, how can I determine if he's still not living with a wife?

    He seems very honest so in one I'd really like to just tell him that I need this doubt cleared up in a tactful and polite way or something in order to be honest with him. But that doesn't seem quite right either.

  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How is he really going to prove to you he isnt married? Show you a divorce decree? Really...he could be divorced and remarried. It will prove nothing. Or he could be living with someone. I could tell someone in all honesty I am divorced. I am. I am also in a long term committed relationship. Just not being married means nothing.

    You are just going to have to play this by ear and see where it takes you. You really cant prove a negative. If you really get worried after you get to know him better then google him and his address and watch for pics on google earth. You can find stuff online. Maybe you can find pics of women leaving the house...lol. Or...heck...drive by and see what you see.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That would be stalking wouldn't it? And darned if I'm going to drive two hours to check him out. Should I tell him I'm concerned about this? I could asked to trade home phone numbers if we go out again but I'm not sure that would do any good if he tells me he only has his cell. We've both already said that we would like to get together again. I just don't want to see him for the next few months and start caring about him, then figure it out when he never moves or this situation never changes, Know what I mean??
  4. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    hmmm i would have doubts too. the fact that he lives 2 hours away just sounds strange to me. I would trust your instincts and just count him as a friend & nothing more.
  5. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member

    The situation seems a little unusual, although not impossible. I would wonder why daughter & baby live with him. Has he had custody of her since he divorced? Where is his ex-wife (daughter's mom)? Where is baby's dad, and what's your friend's view of that situation? Is he saying he has to babysit, so he has limited time to date, or is he simply saying that he has been babysitting to help her out (fine line, I know). I'm not saying the answers to these questions would necessarily point to married, living with-someone or not; they're just things I'd be curious about as I got to know a guy and determined whether I wanted to have a relationship with him.

    I don't mean to sound paranoid. It's just that after all I've gone through with difficult child, I have no room in my life for more craziness, so I'm really careful about things that seem a bit "off," even in a really nice guy.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    We haven't gotten into a lot of detail about personal stuff yet. I got the impression that after the divorce, the 2 older ones (boys) lived with him a while during their older teen years but they are on their own now. The baby is 15 mos old, he says, and I think he said that the daughter moved in with him after he was born to help her financially. He talks about his mother some and says she helps watch the baby sometimes too. He doesn't talk about the ex at all.

    by the way- I said I didn't want to drive 2 hours, but it's 1 hour each way, approximately. It's a small area where there wouldn't be alot of work. He says he's been doing this commute for about 6-8 mos.
  7. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Is this feeling you have a nagging feeling or just a "hmmm...I wonder" kind of feeling? The scenario COULD be 100% true...look at Daisy for example. Nichole lives at home with her baby and she sometimes sits for Nichole. Not quite the same, I know, but you get my drift. The fact that he could be moving to the area could also be why he's looking to that area to meet people. Orrrrr...it could all be carp.

    I would do the phone number trade, watch out for excuses and just take it slow.
  8. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Try looking him up in www.whitepages.com. That will sometimes list others living in the household. However, I don't know how often it is updated so it still could show a spouse that has been divorced?

    I like the idea of googling his complete name and seeing if anything comes up that you feel could be a match (like father of a baby 15 mos ago). If you could find that birth announcement that would answer a lot of questions.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Given the area you live in, driving an hour to work isnt all that uncommon. Neither is it odd for a father to have his 18 year old daughter living at home with her baby and for him to help her out by babysitting. Isnt that what parents do?

    I dont think he is acting all that odd. You have chatted for a week. Keep chatting. If he is nice, you will know it. If he isnt, you will also know it.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ok. As far as the feeling- it isn't a gut, instinct sort of thing that makes me want to run. It's more of the "I wonder" and "I should make sure before this goes too far" sort of feeling. He seems genuine, it's just that it would be easy in a situation like this for him to be lieing.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Are you sure you're ready to attempt a relationship? I'm not talking about with this guy, I'm talking about with anyone. I'm wondering if you might be jumping the gun a bit.

    This man has no way to prove to you that he is not married. This isn't just because you met him online......anyone you met off the street would have the same problem.

    Most men who are cheating keep their lies simple. (unless they're idiots....my husband is an idiot, I'll leave it at that) Because it's too easy to get caught in a complicated lie. Too hard to keep your story straight.

    This guy has provided you with some rather involved information. If he wanted to lie......odds are the child that would be keeping home at home some nights would be his own in order to keep the lie simple. Plus a man caring for his own child is much more believable by women than a man caring for a grandchild. Plus, usually cheaters like to appear younger than they are.

    How about you forget about a "relationship" with this guy? Why not set out to develop a friendship instead? That would give you both plenty of time to get to know each other before considering anything romantic, and less chance of either of you being devistated.

    Odds are if this is your first venture back into the dating scene......this guy is not going to be the one you spend the rest of your life with. But that doesn't mean that it can't be a pleasant friendship/experience/time for you both.

    I may be waaaaay off base. But in your posts it sounds as if you're looking for a husband instead of a companion. And that's sort of backward. You've only known him a week and are terrified he's going to break your heart. You're not even romantically involved yet.

    Maybe the less stressful way for you to approach this is to let yourself be a friend first. If a spark develops from that, then you'll be better equipted to decide if you want a romantic involvment.

  12. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Did you exchange home phone numbers? How are you communicating at this point? I guess I would trust your gut instincts.

    I agree with Janet. If things are not on the up and up, at some point, he's gonna slip and not cover his tracks well. Be vigilant and hear what he is telling you. Listen carefully.

    True story: when I was in early college years I began dating a really 'nice guy'. We dated about 4 months. He came to our house. Met my family. But, he never reciprocated the invites to meet his family. One night I had to cancel a date because I was really sick. I called him @ his home phone - his wife answered. Imagine both of our surprises. Granted - I was young and naive. But, I wasn't stupid. This guy was a dog. And a smooth dog at that.

    Proceed with caution.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Oh, gosh- no, I don't want a husband. I guess to me, since I haven't had anyone in my life like this (dating) for a long time, I may be coming across like someone to date is much more serious than I mean it to sound. (I'm half asleep so I might not have worded that well.) Anyway, the concern is that if you meet someone from work or thru friends or that even lives near you, I figure that there is less chance of lieing because you can find out easier, innocently. It may be that I'm not ready to meet someone online yet! But, so far, I kind of hate to stop communicating with him because it's not like I know for sure, it's just wanting to play it safe.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Meeting people online can be fun. I wouldnt rule it out at all. Just do as Lisa said. This is a friendship first. If he is married, oh well. You will find out soon enough. I do think that if he is married, he is making up some elaborate lies though.

    I have met a whole lot of people online. Most are exactly who they say they are.
  15. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Given that this is more of an "I wonder" than a really deep gut feeling, why don't you continue to see each other, get to know each other better, and let things develop slowly. At worst, you'll end up with a friend that you can hang out with, and at best, something deeper.

    As you get to know each other better, you will have more scope on which to judge whether this fellow is being truthful or not. You've only gotten together in person once. You don't yet have enough familiarity with him to know how to read his signals.

    Just take your time and don't move any faster than you're comfortable with. You'll find your comfort zone, and get a feel for how much (or whether) you can trust this guy.

  16. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I'm known as a pretty cautious person in situations like yours but I think maybe you are being a little paranoid. You've met him over the internet; you've seen him once, if I have my stories straight. Everything he has said sounds well within the realm of possibility. I'd contnue to be cautious (I'd be cautious if he had been introduced by a friend, if I'd met him a church, whatever) but I'd let it be what it is and see what happens. If he is not being on the up and up, the truth will out. If it becomes more serious after awhile, then, if I still had doubts, I'd check it out, but for now I wouldn't say anything or do anything; let things progress at their own rate. When and if you get to know him a little better, you'll have a better feeling for what you're dealing with. At this point I don't think there is enough of a relationship to worry about it. Cautiously enjoy meeting someone new. Enjoy the moment. Maybe you'll be sick of him in a week anyway. If not, worry about it then.
  17. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    K--relax, have fun, be true to yourself. This could be something or nothing. But, don't project. True to let go of control a little and enjoy yourself. You are a lot like me---you have to be in control at all times----my controlling nature is innate---or either growing up with my dysfunctional parents did a bigger number on my head than I thought. I have to make myself relax...I have to let myself have fun...
    but if you really need to know, perform a zabbasearch on him. It will tell you who lives in his household.
  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I like what you said, MM! Now- a questions about something I've never known a good way to deal with:

    If a man is paying for dates I find it hard to view him as "just a friend". But, if I suggest that we go dutch or just be friends, men take that like you aren't interested and both parties are going to "keep lookiing". But, as a woman, there is a feeling that if two people are dating and one is always (or usually) picking up the tab, this is not just friends and it's moving toward something more romantic, or expectations or something.

    I'm interested in knowing what others have said to gents they meet to deal with this. Is it enough to tell them that you want to take this slow? I don't remember how I handled this when I was younger and dated a lot more, but I have a feeling that people around 50 should handle this differently than people in their 20's and 30's. I don't want him to end up feeling used or anything.
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2009
  19. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Ya know.......I used to have trouble with that too. :)

    Since you aren't just kids, you might try discussing it with him and see what he's comfortable with. It may be he's as scared of giving you the wrong impression as you are.

    I've found I'm able at this age to discuss things with males that I'd have not dared to ask at a younger age. And most males are grateful to have things on the up and up.

    I've got lots of friends online. Male and female. Actually just finished a nice long pleasant chat with one of my male ones. :) I wasn't trying to scare you out of dating.......just wanted to make sure you knew what klmno wanted.

    I still suggest friendship first. If he's not being honest, it won't take long for you to figure it out. I mean, afterall, you're raising a difficult child. And you've got us. :D LOL

  20. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I love you, Lisa!! :D

    You have a point there- friends should be able to discuss things- and I've had male friends in the past where we discussed everything. And, if it was to develop into more, I would have to have a person who could discuss stuff.