OK I am joining you on the couch with a cup of tea...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Apr 6, 2012.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Well my board friends I am ready to join you on the couch with a cup of tea and some chocolate biscuits!!!

    Hubby got a call today from the sober house, difficult child was kicked out because he was caught drinking last night!!! I am not surprised, I was kind of waiting for it to happen because I really didn't feel he was very serious about recovery, but I was still hoping that he would get it.

    I really didn't expect we would hear from difficult child.... but he did call me. We actually had a pretty good conversation. It was good because at this point I am not even mad. I am disgusted, fed up, done but not mad.... so I was calm and matter of fact. I think he was fairly (but not totally) honest with me. He started by saing he f***** up. He said he has been dirinking moderately all a long, ya know a couple of beers here and there, but last night he went overboard. I told him that is the problem he will always end up going overboard, whether it is genetic of whatever that is what he does. He didn't disagree with me.

    Apparently there was rent money left over so they have put him up in a hotel for a couple of nights... and he is sharing a room with another guy who also got kicked out. He told me there is $25 left in his account but I need to call him for him to get it so he can use it for food. I said fine, I don't care, I will do that but that is it!!!! We are not giving you any more money. I just don't feel like fighting it or hassling it... let him have the $25 it won't get him far.

    I basically told him it is his choice, using or not using... and it sounds like his priority is drinking and drugging. He said which is normal for kids my age!!! I said it is not normal to use something when the risks are so high, to use so that you end up homeless. That is not normal. I think he pretty much admitted that yeah his priority right now is using....

    He admits he abuses substances but he is not an addict. I said I guess it depends on how you define addict.

    At one point I said something about I was glad he was at least telling me the truth and he said well it is not getting me very far. I said telling me the truth my not get you very far in the short term but it is better for the relationship long term.... lying to me just ticks me off.

    I did tell him it was clear he was not serious about recovery and he agrees... and he had been drinking I think as soon as he started at the sober house... so honestly this whole last tx etc. was just a waste of insurance money.

    So he will get the $25 and I am done.

    I called the sober house... and asked him what happened. difficult child was apparently really trashed last night.... on alcohol and Kratom (which I had never heard of and just looked up on the internet). It is some plant from SE asia that is like an opiate.... disgusting the number of drug sites where you can buy stuff off the internet but anyways so be it.

    Thank goodness we did not buy him a bike!!!!!!!!!!!

    So I actually am doing ok. We drove my easy child to look at a college a couple of hours away today which was good... enjoyed the college tour. I am feeling detached.

    The sober house got in touch with someone in yet another treatment place and they called me. Honestly you can see this business... the sober houses kick people out and refer them to treatment centers who then when insurance runs out refer people to the sober houses!!! So I talked to this woman... and she was nice and understanding. She called to help and I basically told her he was not serious about treatment and getting help and that until he was I didn't want to do anything. That I would rather wait until he is really serious and save any insurance money for a time when it would really be useful. Right now he would just do the same thing.... and it will be a waste of money.

    She just asked me if I felt I had exhausted all possibiliites and I can honestly say I have. He may end up dead, I know that and yes it scares me, but if he does it won't be becaue I didn't do enough to try and help him. We have given him every opportunity to get help and he is thumbing his nose at it.... so we are done until the time he can show us he is really serious about recovery.

    I do like the private therapist he has seen again and I talked to him. If difficult child wants to continue to see him we will pay for that because the therapist really understands addiction and gets our difficult child. In fact at some point when difficult child calls us tired and hungry and wanting treatment we are going to tell him first he has to talk to this therapist.... because really I don't want to support him in treatment just to get a place to sleep for a month and then go back to the same old pattern.

    So make room on that couch, lets have a cup of tea, some biscuits, and have a good long chat about something other than our difficult children... and in fact lets find a way to have some good laughs. I could use them.

  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh and one more thing I almost found humorous. At one point when I was asking what he would do he said maybe he would sell himself... you know to older women!!! I am not sure what reaction he was expecting... but I just calmly said "Well if you do that be careful". He kind of laughed.... I think he was hoping or expecting that somehow that prospect would upset me somehow and what I would send him money so he would not prostitute himself? Not happening!!

  3. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Oh TL-things just stinks. I'm glad you are ok. You have done it all and more. I think it is good to let go for awhile. I don't know how you will do it, but I'm glad you are ready. My heart aches for our kids! (((Hugs)))
    P.S. Does this couch have foot rests? I am sooooo worn out!
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL I've been on this couch waiting for company (said in a humorous way). I mean I wish no one else had to be on this couch but I was getting lonely. Honestly this sounds just exactly what happened with my difficult child. When she finally came clean and told us she was been drinking all along and smoking pot but doing everything in moderation I felt the same way. I was not angry, I was disgusted. In fact I have a magnetic feelings chart on my fridge that easy child got on her first day of college and I moved the marker to disgusted that day and it's been there ever since. There was no reason to get angry any longer. I had done everything I could and I honestly thought to myself that there was a good chance she would end up dead or at least in jail and I decided that if she would end up dead at least there would be an end and as it is now there is no end. I know that sounds horrible but I think you understand what I am trying to say. I was strangely almost relieved that I didn't have to wait for the other shoe to drop any more. She announced that she did not think she was an addict and that pot was a natural substance and she was going to use it. Of course I have since found that she is also using spice and mushrooms and percocets and probably much more and she gets passed out drunk almost every night.

    I don't exactly know why I am so calm this time. In the past I thought I had to stop her from ruining her life, I had to help her, had to keep that safety net under her. Now I finally realize there is nothing I can do and there is no use in trying and so I'm not making myself crazy checking up on her. I deactivated my facebook so I don't see her, I had my name removed from her bank accounts, I told her to have her cell phone put on her own plan so I can't even see her calls, she is off our auto insurance and the car is out of our name. I have reclaimed her room as a part of our home instead of a pig pen. I've boxed up any of her things that she left and put them away. I threw out soooo many things that were bad memories. There are no more attachments to her and I feel strangely liberated.

    I still have an ache in my gut about it all but I am enjoying my peaceful life with husband and easy child. I am finally getting to experience what life would have been like the past so many years if we didn't have her drama and chaos and it's nice. She has made it clear that she wants to live this way and so why should I fight it? Why should I project how I would feel in her position? She likes it. She wakes every morning with a horrible headache and passes out every night and she loves it, so who am I to try to get her to change.

    Our difficult child's are not ready for recovery. My difficult child said the same thing, everyone drinks and does drugs. That's the way they look it. I don't know what it will take for them to realize it is a problem. It may take years. I'm not willing to spend those years worrying about it because obviously she isn't.

    So you and I now have to live a different life and let them live theirs, no matter how much we think that life is destructive.

    Last edited: Apr 6, 2012
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh, TL, I am so sorry that you are on the couch with Nancy and me. It is a comfy couch, though, and there is always room for more.


  6. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    TL and Nancy,
    I'm sorry, for all your struggles, but esp. for your difficult children. They're missing out on so much, and it's hard to watch them unravel and to listen to their lame excuses, and remain unable to do anything to change a blessed thing. I'm glad you both are mastering the art of detachment.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am sorry TL but I had to laugh out loud at his proclamation that he was going to sell himself to older women! My ex actually did that one time but it was in the 70's. Or at least he told me he did. I have no way of knowing if he was telling me the truth or just trying to impress me. And dont ask me why that would impress me..lmao. But seriously, next time he threatens that, tell him the big money is in selling himself to men. I really did know male prostitutes. They made good money. This is all said tongue in cheek. I always end up getting more of a reaction out of my kids when I can answer their comments that are intended to shock me with something that is more shocking.
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    LOL - Janet I thought of that... if he is going to prostitute himself he will be more successful if it is to men... hate to suggest he do that, because desperate enough he just might!!!

  9. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

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  10. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    TL: Oops! I tried to send a reply from my iPhone, and the message above didn't send at all. Sorry about that!

    I am so sorry to hear that your difficult child is continuing to drink, and that he refuses to realize that this is causing a problem in his life. It is so hard as a mom to watch our kids go downhill and waste their lives. I must tell you that I am so amazed at how well you are detaching from the problems of your difficult child. I know that it is very hard to detach when we want so badly to fix our kids and make them better. You are an incredibly strong person, and you are helping the rest of us on the board to learn from your experiences. I will pray for your difficult child, and for all of the struggling difficult child's (my son included) on this board. Many HUGS to you....
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL....I grew up a difficult child in the late 70's until about 82. You would not believe some of the things I have seen and done. I went to NYC with a male prostitute in 82 and ended up stranded there when he left me there all alone. I got saved by two other male prostitutes who thank god took care of me and never tried to do anything to me. I got so incredibly lucky. I watched so much.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks for all of your replies....

    PV - I do feel like I am strong and centered but really I get a lot of that from being on this message board and also alanon.... people who have watched me go through this for years are seeing a change. I most definitely was not in this place a year ago!!!

    Janet - your experience gives me hope that some day he will turn things around but only he can do it.

    Exhausted - the couch definitely has foot rests.... I think we all need them!! I know I do!

    Nancy and Kathy - I wish we didnt have to keep each other company on this couch but it sure does help to know I am not alone!!! And Nancy you and I see to have come to a very similar place. I slept last night, I really did. I am feeling it a bit in my gut and some upset today.... but I am not falling apart and I really am going to be ok.

    I find myself thinking about his funeral which bothers me.... and I really don't know how I would handle it if he dies... but like you said then it would be over. It horrifies me to think he may be doing this 10 or 20 years from now!! And from alanon I know that happens. It is so sad all that he is missing out on and the fact the thinks this is normal!!! I guess when you hang around other addicts it is normal in your circle of friends!

    So yes it is time to keep moving on in my life... and to keep enjoying husband and easy child. I thank God for easy child because she brings me much joy and laughter.

  13. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Oh TL, I am so so sorry. I just want to shake your son (and mine & all the difficult child's) I cannot grasp how they refuse to see the correlation between their substance use & their messed up lives! Unfathomable and so frustrating.

    Now if we could only move this couch to somewhere tropical ...

    {{{love & hugs to all}}}