This is a big deal. I have not taken great care of myself since my mom died 1 1/2 yrs ago. Haven't been to dentist or gotten pap or mammo. But I was on antidep. before she passed then I just stopped taking them too. Couldn't get myself to stop by pharm to get them. Anyway I guess I've been mostly ok until difficult child son started 7th grade and I started hearing about his poor work habits. Started spiraling down into that place where I think life will never be ok again, that he will end up in prison, on drugs etc. so found this great board this wknd! Just posting and reading a lot makes me feel better...not so alone! So tomorrow I need o getup the nerve to talk to the doctor about how I've been feeling, panicked, nervous, shaky, no appetite. I think on fri and sat I had maybe two or three apple sauce packets, made myself choke them down so I had some calories in me. My sleep is ****, I wake up between 330 to 530 and cannot go back to sleep. My mind swirls and spins all day with worst case scenarios...and my job is becoming really stressful cuz my boss wants me to take over someone else's job who is getting fired and I know I am not up to it. Along with my fears about my kid, I have anxiety about not being good enough at work, and taking on something that is so far outside what I am capable of. And I'm scared for the nextphone call or email from the teacher. The next confrontation etc. Anyway, I don't know why god gave me a kid who I adore but cannot parent right. And I'm embarrasses to admit this but I get so mad sometimes when I see all my lovely neighbors who all have easy freaking kids, it's so freaking unfair! I was a quiet, shy well behaved kid my whole damn life. Avoiding confrontation at all costs. And now I feel like that is all I have, and it is all I want to avoid. I know I need counseling too, that is next step. Oh and my last complaint tonight is that I am a bad cryer (cry for even a minute leaves me with splotchy skin and swollen eyelids that take days to go back to normal). And that means I will probably have to go to work tomorrow looking like a train hit me. Wow, sorry for the rant...woe is me huh?