Ok I made myself a dr appointment tomorrow morning!

[Anxworrier]

This is a big deal. I have not taken great care of myself since my mom died 1 1/2 yrs ago. Haven't been to dentist or gotten pap or mammo. But I was on antidep. before she passed then I just stopped taking them too. Couldn't get myself to stop by pharm to get them. Anyway I guess I've been mostly ok until difficult child son started 7th grade and I started hearing about his poor work habits. Started spiraling down into that place where I think life will never be ok again, that he will end up in prison, on drugs etc. so found this great board this wknd! Just posting and reading a lot makes me feel better...not so alone!

So tomorrow I need o getup the nerve to talk to the doctor about how I've been feeling, panicked, nervous, shaky, no appetite. I think on fri and sat I had maybe two or three apple sauce packets, made myself choke them down so I had some calories in me. My sleep is ****, I wake up between 330 to 530 and cannot go back to sleep. My mind swirls and spins all day with worst case scenarios...and my job is becoming really stressful cuz my boss wants me to take over someone else's job who is getting fired and I know I am not up to it.

Along with my fears about my kid, I have anxiety about not being good enough at work, and taking on something that is so far outside what I am capable of. And I'm scared for the nextphone call or email from the teacher. The next confrontation etc.

Anyway, I don't know why god gave me a kid who I adore but cannot parent right. And I'm embarrasses to admit this but I get so mad sometimes when I see all my lovely neighbors who all have easy freaking kids, it's so freaking unfair! I was a quiet, shy well behaved kid my whole damn life. Avoiding confrontation at all costs. And now I feel like that is all I have, and it is all I want to avoid.

I know I need counseling too, that is next step. Oh and my last complaint tonight is that I am a bad cryer (cry for even a minute leaves me with splotchy skin and swollen eyelids that take days to go back to normal). And that means I will probably have to go to work tomorrow looking like a train hit me.

Wow, sorry for the rant...woe is me huh?

 

[InsaneCdn]

Rant away. That's part of the beauty of thsi forum... you don't actually wear anybody's ears out. Stick around, and you'll see lots of rants and lots of vents... we try to do what we can to preserve each other's sanity.

Once you get yourself on a more even keel, you'll be able to face your own therapist.... between the two, you'll be better able to handle your difficult child.

And yes. How come THEY all get an easy ride and WE get stuck with the biggest handfuls of kids on the whole earth? Ain't fair. But... I keep telling myself, my poor difficult child didn't ask for it either. Just think how much easier HIS life would be if he didn't have a whole list of dxes to deal with every single day... in environments that range from barely accommodating to downright hostile. And it helps to remember that... so I dig deeper and try and solve the next problem.

{{hugs}}

 

[Anxworrier]

You're right about that...they didn't ask for these challenges either! Thanks for listening!!!

 

[BusynMember]

Honey, don't be ashamed or afraid to tell your doctor about your symptoms. They are just as important and real as if you were telling him/her about strep throat symptoms. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of. When one is in the throes of depression and anxiety (I speak from experience, see my signature) it is very hard to function. It's not your inadequacies...you are actually physically ill. Clinical depression is a physical illness and anxiety is it's best buddy, unfortunately. They go together. I have been at work with my hands shaking. I have been at work and suddenly gotten such a bad panic attack that I ran to the bathroom and stayed in a stall until I could calm down from crying. I have also driven off from work during panics attacks and gotten fired. I have left groceries in my cart when having a sudden panic attack while shopping...I was too scared to put anything back so I'd run to my car and drive home dangerously, blowing off red lights, just to get to my "safe place" which was at home with my husband. Do you get panic attacks too? On top of being in the dark pit of hello from depression, my panic attacks could come out of the blue and were so scary that at one time I rarely left the house. So you can pretty much tell US anything and you should tell your doctor about your symptoms too. medications and therapy were a tremendous help to me and still are. There is nothing wrong with needing medical help for any reason, including depression/anxiety. I understand how you don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I really do.

Have you ever gone to therapy? A therapist will not condemn you. She (I prefer women) will help you cope without judgment. I like cognitive behavioral or dialectal behavioral therapists best because they are sort of like teachers to me, showing me how to cope better. (((Hugs))) and keep us posted.

 

[TerryJ2]

Absolutely, rant away!

In regard to work, I would sit down with-my supervisor and have an honest talk. My little sister was offered the job of general manager of a huge health and fitness club many yrs ago. She was the marketing dir. Loved people. HORRID with math. Seriously. Cannot do decimal points. Took the same college math class 3 or 4 X. She told everyone, certain she could squeeze out of the responsibility and that they would hire someone else.
Nope. "We would LOVE you as our general manager. We'll do the accounting for you!"
"Are you sure? You won't hold it against me? Can I get that in writing?"
She was shocked, but hey, it came with-a raise.
So wth, tell the supervisor the truth and that you are GREAT at xyz whatever, but not so great at xyz, and you want him to get his money's worth, and not just plug a hole. You want the company to be successful. (Emphasize that part.) And that you love your job.
See what happens.

In regard to your health, I am so glad you finally went to the dr! Once you get back on a routine of exercise, good food and medications, you will feel so much better. Be prepared to go up a cpl sizes in clothes, but it's the least of your worried.

Once you are on track, you'll feel better able to help your son and meet with-his teachers. And enforce consequences tht will cause him to go ballistic. (Be prepared. Really.)

 

[Liahona]

Up a couple sizes? I lost weight going on medications because I was actually moving around and not sitting all day.

Good for you making the appointment. If it'll help you could print out the posts you've made here and highlight the topics you want to tell your dr. Or make a list. Or bring someone along who knows you well. I tend to downplay my symptoms. If I bring husband along the dr.s eyes get really big when he starts talking about my symptoms. If its just me telling them I tell them enough to get the medications, but they never find out how bad it really is.

 

[Anxworrier]

Well I did it. Saw a new doctor cuz my old one retired! Of course I bawled but somehow got the main ideas across. I've tried a good handful of different anti depressants over the years when I needed them. But I couldn't recall any of them being super great. I didn't mention to her that about three days into my first a/d prescription I ever took, (maybe 6-7 yrs ago)...my ears started ringing and I've had tinnitus ever since. I went off that first medication but the tinnitus has stayed constantly for all these years. But I guess it is a price I paid. Anyway, I did say that while depr is definitely back, I feel differ this time around with the panic, anxiety and feelings of dread I feel. So we are trying Prozac with a small scrip for Xanax if I need it situationally. She was quite kind And gave me names for therapists for myself and a neuropsychologist (but I doubt we can afford that).

Its funny I cried all the way home and pulled it together to get to work red eyes and all. Then talked to my dad this evening and cried all over again. I remember being like this when my mom died, I know at some point it stopped. No one can go on like that forever right?

 

[InsaneCdn]

lt will likely take a couple of weeks for prozac to kick in. Glad you got a prn to go with it.

 

[hipperq]

It really will get better. Nope, no one cries constantly for the rest of their life (though sometimes it feels like it!). I have been in the midst of depression/panic/hopelessness/fear of the future many, many times; often at the start of school. (Even the precious neighbor kids are more difficult at this time of year.)

I can remember sitting with a photo album amazed to realize that when x picture was taken I did not feel anxious at all, as it felt like I always had been and always would be feeling this awful.

It doesn't happen overnight. Just like with morning sickness, what is actually only a few weeks feels like eternity when you are in the middle of it. But this, too, shall pass. In a few weeks you will feel remarkably better. In a bit longer you will likely even get to the point of not being anxious at all. It's a slow process but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I work on an ambulance. Literally at least a third of the people I bring in, most of them women between 30 and 55, are having panic attacks. It is incredibly common to feel depressed and panicky and out of control. And all these people get help and get better. It will happen for you, too.

This year I got the panic again at the start of school, but thanks to therapy and drugs (I take the Xanex daily, on my psychiatrist's orders, whether I feel bad or not, by the way) it is much less severe and more manageable than it was in years past, even though the overall level of stress is similar. You can and will get better.

 

[TerryJ2]

Best of luck! So sorry you cried all the way home. But you know what? If you had to find us on the board, you've probably earned a good cry! It's not like we're all here to talk about planting petunias.

 

[DDD]

I'm not huge on hugging but as old as I am and as young as you are, lol, I wish I could just give you a caring shoulder for an hour or so. Your Mom has to be so proud that you have stepped up to the plate and confronted the problems for your sake and for her grandson. You have found a wonderful cyber family of truly diverse and compassionate people. Welcome. Good job! DDD

 

[Anxworrier]

Thanks for the nice words! I wish my mom were here so that I could cry on here shoulder. I can just hear her saying "Oh honey, I am so sorry! It will get better!" Thanks for writing!

 

[Anxworrier]

Thanks! I do think I deserved the crying too! This is a great place to land!