OK, Update- I got the job and now I need opinions

[klmno]

I finally got an offer for a permanent job in my original profession and the pay and benefits are much better than what I've been surviving on. It requires relocating and that's where the problem comes in. E likes his new school here and I do, too. He's making friends there and they are welcoming him and he's doing well. The new friends seem to be PCs so far. He likes living in this smaller townhome and I will agree that when we lived in a bigger house in the suburbs, the whole lifestyle and spacious house contributed to us growing apart. (Although I'm sure that wasn't the main cause of E ending up in so much trouble.)

on the other hand, E wants to go to college and so far that's still a possibility academically. It's time to work toward him getting a driver's license and getting me a new car so he can eventually get this 11 yo car. There is no way I can afford any of that on my current pay. I can't even afford medication insurance on E if I don't take a better paying job. The job is for the fed gov so my previous 4 yrs on active duty will count toward a 20 yr retirement and will count for me getting more vacation time per year right off the batt. The PO decided not to allow E to go out of state to that forum due to my calling him and saying I was concerned that E "might be getting ready to run", even though I called a few days later after the facts came out and told him it was obvious by that point that it was the other boy trying to get E to. (PO documented that as "E had a plot to run and had taken action on it". Never mind that E never broke his rules of the electronic monitoring or tried to run one time and PO is letting E off house arrest as a result this weekend.) I don't trust this PO to document things correctly and after this and the previous stuff, don't think I'll ever trust him- I think he's a loose cannon. And I want back in my profession and to get compensated accordingly.

But, I can't honestly say it would be worth it if E gets stuck in rural country, bored to tears this summer and in a sd that isn't so welcoming for his senior year of high school and me being stressed over different things than money but still stressed and then E throwing in the towel and self-sabatoging, thereby sabatoging us both again. And I really do want him to be happy, too. E was happy about the move when it was tentative but now that the offer is confirmed, he said it just hit him and he's not so happy because he has this girl at sd and they're kind of leading toward dating and he doesn't want to move early summer because he'd end up spending the summer alone because he wouldn't have anything to do or know any kids his age there until school starts again this fall and then it would be starting all over again and it might not be such a comfortable fit at that school as it is here. That's all true and reasonable. Also, this school found a way to make sure he can still get an advanced diploma (although he'll have to stick to working his rear off his senior year) and if we move, in order to get him to a sd where this is even possible, I'll have to drive 1/2 hr to 1 hr to and from work and we'll be living in a rural environment- right now we are in 'small town' and we used to live in city suburbs. He can walk to the Y, the library, and 3 shopping centers from where we live now for meet-ups with friends and/or to find a summer job. He'll be stuck if we move.

So while the obvious ideal situation would be to wait until next year to even consider something like this, this offer won't wait and I sure can't expect the offers to come next year with fed gov employment slowing down. This job would pay almost twice what I get now and I've been wearing clothes bought at Goodwill. I want my career back and I want to be able to help my son go to college and for me to get a better car so he can get this one and I can have more time off work - but I don't want to put him (and us) in another situation that is so demanding of my time or mental energy that I can't be the mom he needs to stay on track. Or put him in an environment that doesn't offer the supports that help him feel welcomed and engaged.

Sorry this is so long- I'm hoping if I get some others' opinions, maybe the "right" answer will become clearer to me. I have to let the people know Mon. morning when I want my start date to be - I can back out now but can't back out after next week. Unfortunately, I can't take E to the area where the job is to look around and check out housing for 2 weeks. (He's scheduled to take the SAT next Sat.)

If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

(DJ, I might be asking for some info about things in the area where E could look for a job, social events, etc.)

 

[DammitJanet]

So...I take it you got THE job!

 

[klmno]

Yeah!!- well- not the one where I met you in person but one near one of your son's.

 

[keista]

If it were me, I'd probably take the job. You need to start working on your own future.

E needs to learn to adjust even to the worst of circumstances. A brand new school can still give him the opportunity to redefine himself as a easy child (at least in school)

I don't think a PO can prevent a minor from moving with their parents, right? And since you don't trust this one anyway, why not try for another one?

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh tell him he wont be bored here this summer. There is a ton of stuff to do here even if he doesnt get a job right off the bat. There are a ton of schools in that city that are really good schools. Good ones. There is a great water park in town that he might be able to get a job at. The city also has a bus system he can learn. There is really a whole lot to do and if you want, we promise to adopt him to go fishing with Tony if he enjoys that sort of thing. Tony goes deep sea fishing at least twice a year and he would be glad to have E join him.

 

[susiestar]

Take the job.

You are thinking about turning down a job that will make a HUGE difference in YOUR life in the long run, based on what might be a difficult period for ONE YEAR of difficult child's life? That seems like very shortsighted thinking. Sure, it is wonderful that E got such a lovely welcome into the new school, and that he loves where you live. Yes, the senior year IS important. HOWEVER, there should NEVER be the idea that this one year is 'the most important' or 'best' year of his life.

there is NO guarantee that he will still be so happy next year no matter WHAT you do. He might be incredibly bored there, make bad choices or meet the so-called wrong crowd at his job, and then he might get into trouble where you are. Or you could move and he might meet the love of his life, be welcomed, love school, benefit from the perks of the higher income, and end up at a fabulous college doing fabulous thing.

Or, he might make some bad choices, get into trouble, end up back inside, decide he is SICK of thug life and turn it around when he gets out. Or that he likes thug life and wants to keep it up.

E has GOT to learn to make good choices NO MATTER WHAT. He has to learn to survive being bored, being less than thrilled and still make good choices or else he is NEVER going to have a good life.

My folks were faced wth similar choices with gfgbro. He got into a lot of trouble and was headed to juvenile hall in 6th gr. the only real option they could find was a super strict school that cost double what our current school cost, where bro skipped 2 grades. Went from 6th to 9th because the Brothers believed that jr high years were just a review and kids needed the challenge of learning those years. Bro was in the school 3 yrs and after the first one, did very well. Then mom got an awesome job in another state and we moved. she got a LOT of pressure from the Cath church to leave him behind (gee, and the week before they were all 'family is everything'), but that was NOT an option. So we moved and he went into his sr year. He actually graduated hs 2 mos after he turned 16. He was in a TON of trouble that year, partly because he was doing a LOT of drinking and partly because he was skipping school more than he went (and no one called my parents!). He went to college for the next 2 yrs because my folks did NOT want him out of school doing nothing when they were liable $$wise for his actions. He got good grades as long as they rode him about them. Then he was a jr and went into a dorm and did was most freshman do. Partied his tushie off.

He dropped out when my folks refused to pay anymore. he was awful and finally they told him to leave so he went to the Army. He did a lot of things that were adventurous and sort of built a 'life' after he got out. If a life lasts 8-9 mos of the year and you go 'visit relatives' from Xmas to the end of April each year. My mom called it a life, I called it hiding from life. he had a TON of friends until he spent the whole year in on place and they realized how ehausting his lies are full time. And he ended up and alcoholic.

for YEARS my mother blamed his problems on either me or on moving him away for his sr year. Finally her therapist, my dad, bro and I and alanon told her it was nonsense. Yes, bro has a strange life. Yes, he is an alcoholic. Yes, he has more problems than that even if he won't face them. But they are NOTher fault. HE MADE CHOICES. CHOICES. He easily could have chosen to take 2 college courses per semester his sr year, to go to class, to do the work, to get help for the drinking problem that even HE knew was a problem and had been since he was 12. My mother let him have a beer with the family maybe three times a year. Everyone we know also allowed it. I could have if I wanted - any drink really. I made other choices.

Your difficult child is not a child except in legal age. does he need supervision and guidance? of course he does. Is his brain fully mature? Of course not. But will this year be the most critical one in his life? Only if HE chooses that. At his age, having been out of your home for so long, he is mostly independent in many ways. He is used to knowing the rules, the consequences, and doing what he chooses to do and accepting those consequences. Sure you need to talk about that with him, encourage him, support him. But moving is NOT going to ruin or make his life. HE is going to dot hat and only he CAN do that.

Have you asked him if he thinks this is a good thing? His preference?

I think this school was great for him. It has given him PROOF that he is able to enjoy life while making good choices. I know, for a FACT, that the bad choices are in every school in the nation. He easily could have joined the stoners or thugs and taken that road. He chose better this time. I think he will in the future also, but if I am wrong? it is NOT my fault. It won't be your fault if he makes bad choices, regardless what anyone tells you. You NEVER chose to smoke weed for him, to break the law for him, and you won't ever choose those things. You simply cannot choose those things for him. Only he can.

So take the job, let him know you trust him to make good choices, esp because he has proven he is able to, and take this leap of faith. Move, find a smaller home that you both like, and enjoy the upturn in your circumstances! You worked HARD for the skills that make you able to do this work, and YOU are important. do the work that you enjoy, and trust E to do what he needs to so that he can have a future doing the work that he enjoys, whatever that is.

After all, he only has 1 year, and it is going to FLY if you are at the new job. You will HATE life if you stay at this job. That will make life at home very hard for E. He will blame himself for your every problem, esp work and $, because if it wasn't for him you would have $ and a job you enjoy. That is a HUGE load for a high school kid, and in my opinion that guilt could push him to bad choices to get away from it.

 

[musiclady]

take the job.

 

[Malika]

I understand your dilemma and why it is a difficult decision for you. But I think you make your own decision in your post, really - it is clear you want to take the job and feel that this is, all considered, really what you must do. I hope things work out well for your son.

 

[1905]

Go. He'll do ok. There'll be friends there, live your life. You already know the best thing to do.

 

[klmno]

Thanks everyone. I'm going to talk to him about us both having professional dreams (his being to go to college and become a professional afterwards), and I'm trying to do this so we can both pursue our dreams. If I can't get mine, it's much more difficult for him to pursue his. I'm hoping he can see that.

 

[DammitJanet]

Since its not where I thought it was...darned....You will still be with family...lol. You just cant get rid of me! Maybe that is going to turn out to be a good thing. Fate seems to be throwing that your way. Does he get along with small kids? Maybe he could play uncle.

 

[slsh]

klmno - Congrats on the job. That's *wonderful* news and I'm so happy for you.

I think you need to talk to E and just lay it all out for him, the same way you have here. The pros and cons, and your concerns for him, and your need to be able to take care of *yourself* 10, 20, 30 years from now.

And you need to remember that *your* decisions have little if anything to do with E's success at this point. He is either going to make good choices and have a decent quality life, or he's not. You have no control over it, hon. I know you want to .... what's the phrase, not really make it easy for him, but something like that ... I understand your concerns over a move and the potential disruption for him, but he's a big boy now. The responsibility is on his shoulders, where you're living now or should you move.

in my humble opinion, it's a no-brainer. You take the job. You need the retirement, you need the benefits, and you have the right to work in the profession that you chose. How much of your personal quality of life are you supposed to lay at the feet of your son, and for how long?

Worst case scenario - you take the job, he doesn't adjust, he make bad choices. It's *not* your fault (though I'm sure he would try to tell you it is ). You have your career back, you have benefits, you have retirement, and you will be able to take care of yourself.

on the other hand, you don't take the job, he makes bad choices. Again, *not* your fault (though I'm sure he would try to tell you it is). You don't have your career or decent benefits or retirement, and you will have to continue to live extremely frugally.

I have my fingers crossed that he's learned enough to never want to have to live the way he has for the past couple years. I gather he *has* made some decent choices recently so... hopefully imaging worst case scenario is just a mental exercise.

He will be gone in a few very short years. Where do *you* want to be then?

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I say take the job. Another poster said you have to start living your life and I agree. You have done much and been taken away so much for and by difficult child. It's time you look toward your future. difficult child has only been home a short while and the "friends" and potential girlfriend are not valid reasons to put your professional future on the line. Not sure where you are moving, but from what Janet says, it sounds like this is not a totally rural move and there will be options for difficult child.

I say take the job and get your mojo back!

Sharon

 

[AnnieO]

K,

Everything you have done - for years - has been for E.

It's time to do something HUGE for K.

And - bonus, it will help you do more for E - Know what I mean??

Now go accept that job. Explain it to E - that it will help HIM - and then start packing up!!!

 

[DaisyFace]

K--

Take the job. If you *don't*....and then your son screws up anyway? You will never forgive yourself from walking away from it.

on the other hand--if you take the job, and your son screws up....you will have more resources with which to handle the fallout.

 

[Star*]

I think E is more resilient than you think......

Congratulations on the new job! Way to go girl!

 

[buddy]

Yup to everyone else....with E's looking forward lately, I think he will see the benefits in the long run. And it wont be in the middle of a school year, yipee. He got a nice taste of what it can be like, and you will be helping to make both of your dreams come true! It is ok to feel some sadness/disappointment, that would make sense. He has faced much tougher challenges!

So happy for you, you can still get a small place too, keep that cozy feeling (well maybe two bathrooms) smile.

 

[DammitJanet]

And where he is moving he can have a very nice board cousin to hang with...lmao...along with a board niece and nephew to play with. If he wants to.

 

[klmno]

I don't know about now because we haven't talked about it yet but used to, E was great with young kids and seemed to really enjoy helping them ride a bike or whatever. I remember once the little 4yo girl fell off her bike and E helped her walk to her front door and get her Mom to bring a bandaid for her skinned knee and he 'helped' tthe girl put it on. He loved the way she and her 6yo bro looked up to him.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well...when you move, I will just hook you up so he can go spend some time over there and get to know them. They have the kinect system and a playground near there. Jamie goes fishing about every weekend. He has a ton of friends who are good guys. Lots of Marines and guys he works with. Now yeah they will be a little older than E but that could be a good thing. They also arent difficult child's. Some of the kids in his neighborhood are E's age though. I believe the two of the kids living right next door are about his age.