Okay, time to rake me over the coals...

[PatriotsGirl]

She lost her job the first day at Waffle House. I found out it was because not only was she late to work her first day (she was dependant on A hole for the ride) but when she showed up with him, they assumed she must have used and let her go.

She still claims to not be using. Of course, I cannot be sure of anything and quite frankly, I am so tired of my life revolving around it. She doesn't look as bad as she did, she has all of her color back (she used to be pale and grey) and she doesn't have that violent spew throwing attitude she had when using. She was alert, but not hyper and was not falling asleep everywhere we went - good signs. She says she is tired of having nothing and losing everything. She expected me to see this huge difference in her when I saw her and she was upset that I didn't, but sheesh, it is going to take a bit longer before she looks completely healthy again. But, I know that I cannot rely on my assumptions either as I have learned over and over again.

I know I will get raked over the coals for this but - she has a car now. husband and I gave her my old one. Wrong wrong wrong. Yes, I know. Sometimes we do things that are in our best interest, not theirs. We feel better knowing she has a way to get back and forth to a job without relying on A hole or anyone else. We just do not have public transportation in our little towns. Now she can get the medical care she desperately needs as well - she has an appointment today thank goodness. She also plans on living in the car if she needs to as sad as that is.

So yes, I know it was wrong and was selfish on our part, but I do feel a bit better. Giving her that jalopy also gave her independence from him. Maybe now she can truly move on without him.

So that is my update - not much of one, but I had to confess to my fellow warrior moms of our set back in detachment and enabling...

 

[TeDo]

In my opinion, it was a VERY small "sin". You refer to it as a jalopy so it's not exactly a cadillac and you didn't go out and buy it FOR her. You had it and didn't need it, she needed it and didn't have it, and you have good reasons for giving it to her. It sounds like there "might" be some hope but I thoroughly understand your apprehension. I hope it pans out the way you wish it would but I also pray you are strong enough to handle it if it doesn't.

 

[SuZir]

So yes, I know it was wrong and was selfish on our part, but I do feel a bit better. Giving her that jalopy also gave her independence from him. Maybe now she can truly move on without him.

So that is my update - not much of one, but I had to confess to my fellow warrior moms of our set back in detachment and enabling...

One thought: Who has made a gospel out of this detachment and enabling thing? I mean, yes, it is often a good option. It does save sanity of parents. At times it even gives good results. But it is not begin all, end all thing. It is not the only option. It may very well be, that it's not the best option in some/many cases. So no, you didn't fail or take a set back, you just made a different choice. The choice that has it's good sides and bad. May turn to help her or hinder her, or neither. Is not likely to make a huge difference anyway, to be frank.

I have never seen any reliable studies about outcomes of different parenting choices when it comes to addiction. It seems that it's just trends and different things are in favour in different times. Tough love, detachment, not enabling have been in favour some time now. I don't see a dramatic drop in substance abuse problem. So I assume no one has yet found that one and only best solution to the matter, that would actually really work. In fact reading studies they have made from different treatment methods seems to suggest, that most who get sober do it be themselves, without treatment. And many highly held treatment strategies in fact have poorer success rate than rate of spontaneous recoveries.

So when no one really has any good, reliable, working strategy for all this, I think that any solution one considers best at the moment goes. And your decision to give her a car certainly has it perks. it gives her more freedom to choose. She will make her choices, those you can not control, but I don't see, how giving her more power over her life would be bad.

 

[BusynMember]

The thing I would worry about is if she IS using, she is driving. Since my daughter got into three car crashes when she was using, I think about that every time a difficult child who uses drugs or has used drugs is given free access to a car.

Suzir, there is no perfect solution to addiction. However, one thing is guaranteed..nobody will stop using drugs unless they want to. It is horrible for the entire family when a drug abuser is living with us and often our money to help goes to buy drugs. The only person who can stop a drug user from using is the person herself/himself. I made my daughter leave when I came home early on a vacation to find her having a drug party in our house, and she didn't get a dime from us after that. It's just common sense, at least I think so. She wouldn't go for help and the cops were always knocking on our door. I knew that making her leave wouldn't cure her, but at least the rest of us had a break from it. And her cushy life was over. Her brother cracked the whip and she knew it was her last chance and she DID quit.She even quit cigarettes because Brother was very anti-smoking and she couldn't say there if she brought cigarettes into his house.

The car issue is really a scary one to me. My daughter ruined our van first...she was speeding/RACING and the engine burst into flames so it really wasn't an accident, but still everyone in that van could have died if they hadn't gotten out fast. Yes, they were all high as a kite. After that we gave her no more transportatioin, but her brother bought her a car. She did crack that one up and burned her bridges with him and could have been killed herself or killed the other driver. Since it was her fault, she was sued and owed $15,000 to some woman long after she quit using drugs. She had to keep paying her. Then she drove a friend's car and cracked it up and I didn't even want to hear about it anymore. People who are alcoholics or drug addicts in my opinion should walk. My daughter learned to walk when she moved in with her brother, who didn't take any crapola and never again gave her any favors. So safety is my main concern when difficult child's get cars. Will it stop them from driving? Maybe not, but it's harder to get "friends" to give you a car to drive than to have one. And at least if there is an accident, you, the parent, don't have to feel guilty that you may have contributed to it, especially if somebody is hurt or killed. At least, that's how I feel.

 

[SuZir]

Suzir, there is no perfect solution to addiction. However, one thing is guaranteed..nobody will stop using drugs unless they want to. It is horrible for the entire family when a drug abuser is living with us and often our money to help goes to buy drugs. The only person who can stop a drug user from using is the person herself/himself. I made my daughter leave when I came home early on a vacation to find her having a drug party in our house, and she didn't get a dime from us after that. It's just common sense, at least I think so. She wouldn't go for help and the cops were always knocking on our door. I knew that making her leave wouldn't cure her, but at least the rest of us had a break from it.

That of course is a very good argument for tough love-type actions. You can't save an addict, so of course you should rather try to save yourself. And luckily there are people who do grab to their 'last chance' like your daughter. Unfortunately there are those who don't.

In my experience though, surprisingly high number of young people who abuse substances, and who we would likely label addicts, end up recovering slowly and with little dramatics. Things change in life. They get a job they like and start to be more careful not to loose it or find the career they want to go school for or start a family and drink/use less because of those reasons. And time goes by and new interesting things come and they have less and less time to drink/use. One day they are drinking one beer while watching a game from tv and that is that. And maybe binge drinking once or twice a year. Or smoking a joint three times a year, when they spend time with old friends. I do know quite many people like that, who I thought were going to end up dead or under the boat in few short years, when they were in their early or mid twenties. Now in their forties you wouldn't notice the difference to others.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

MWM, believe me, I had the same thoughts and arguments in my head. The only thing I can say is that many people have let her borrow their vehicles and she has not gotten into any accidents. She has lived with absolutely nothing for so long that this old car was like a chunk of gold to her. I think she is going to do everything in her power not to lose it. I saw on the phone log this morning that she has been talking with an insurance company to insure the car. She wants to be legal and everything is in her name - I removed mine completely. A hole is helping her insure it.

I have to agree that it seems different things work for different people. I don't think there is a recipe for success that works for everyone or we would all be following it and we would all be talking about our successful difficult children.

I may very well end up regretting my decision....time will tell.

 

[Calamity Jane]

PG,
Don't beat yourself up. You, like all of us, are doing the best you can with the info you have. I would agree if the car gives her the independence to get the heck away from a-hole, then it's worth it. Is she paying the insurance, though, or are you? Would you be held personally liable if she did drive while using? That's something I'd worry about.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

PG,
Don't beat yourself up. You, like all of us, are doing the best you can with the info you have. I would agree if the car gives her the independence to get the heck away from a-hole, then it's worth it. Is she paying the insurance, though, or are you? Would you be held personally liable if she did drive while using? That's something I'd worry about.

A hole is paying for her insurance. I took my name off completely. Wrote up the bill of sale (two copies actually - one for her and one for us), signed the title and took my tag. No way was I going to be liable for anything.

I am not beating myself up. I may regret it later, but for now, I feel good about it. I am hoping this is the hand up she needs. I am thrilled that she is seeing her doctor today. She has some female health issues (that I, too, have had experience with). I know how imperative it is for her to get there. That alone makes me feel good.

 

[AmericanGirl]

PG,

You are doing your best. difficult children dont come with a rules book. Its hard to know what will work. She may end up keeping a job just because of this.

CJ,

I asked an attorney and my insurance agent those questions. In my state, you can be liable if the vehicle and/or the insurance is in your name. When we get to the right place and difficult child can buy his own insurance, he hasnt got the car now, then i will title it over to him BUT i will be the lienholder...that way, he cannot sell it or go to a title pawn place.

 

[Calamity Jane]

PG,
It seems like she is trying so hard - I have to give her credit. Now that she has her own car, do you think she would muster up the courage to go back to Waffle House and speak to the manager and ask for one more chance? (Without A-hole in tow, of course.) What's the worst that could happen? He says "no" and she goes on, but Waffle House mgr is former addict, I think you mentioned, and if she appeals to him, perhaps he'd understand? I don't know - just want what's best for difficult child.

 

[rejectedmom]

I hope she uses it in the best possible way. Sometimes a boost is as good as a leap. Maybe this boost will help her to get past someof the obsticles in her path. -RM

 

[toughlovin]

PG - o raking over the coals from me. The key is how you feel about it, and you feel good about it and it is giving you some peace of mind. I think there is no one answer in parenting an addict, detaching or not enabling. It is a process for each of us with soe general principals that are only guidelines. And with that we can only do the best we can...a big part of not enabling i think is being selfish and doing what is best for you....problem comes in i think when it seems like doing what they want is best for you because you want to avoid the adult addict tantrum...but that is not what you are describing.

T

 

[recoveringenabler]

PG, all we can do is our best with each difficult choice we face as parents. It isn't whether it's a right choice or a wrong choice, in that moment that is what felt best to you with the information you had and what you could live with. That's as good as it gets for us parents of difficult child's. I believe detaching is not only a linear path in our cases, but it's sideways and upside down too. It is what it is, we do what we do, I find it's best not to label any of it. I know you're doing the best you can under dismal circumstances which break your heart, we all are doing that. The next choice is hers, let's hope she rises to the occasion. I send you gentle hugs and warm wishes for doing a very good job and here's hoping it gets easier for you and for your difficult child too.

 

[Nancy]

PG, for what it's worth I would have done the same thing. In fact I did do the same thing. We gave difficult child the car handed down from easy child years before that we took away from her while she was living at home. But when she moved out and got a job it was to our benefit that she had the car to get to work. I have no problem with that decision and would do it again. It has given us two years of peace and given her transportation to work and yes she even lived in it several times.

I will not give her money for drugs or alcohol, but I sometimes buy her food and we did fix her brakes last month. As long as we can keep her living on hert own the better off we are. If she is going to use and drive it's on her. The car is in her name, that is very important. You do not want to be responsible for it.

We all do the best we can and you would never get raked over the coals from us.

Nancy

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Thank you everyone for not being hard on me. She stopped by yesterday - she had her proof of insurance and went to the tag office and is now 100% legal in HER name. We got her prescription filled for her medical issue and so she is finally taking care of herself.

She commented that she slept in the car the night before next to the lake. She was not complaining about it or anything, she almost sounded proud, as weird as that is. It is nice that she no longer blames anyone for where she is in life. She will be the first one to tell you that it is HER choices that got her where she is.

The one thing that took me back yesterday was that she didn't have a lick of make up on, had great skin color and is looking even healthier than she did the other day. Still no venom spewing, not falling asleep all over the place and seems for the first time in a very long time....normal. I am far too afraid of getting my hopes up, so I won't. I will just comment on what my eyes see for themselves. Even if she slips and heck, that is to be expected, the fact that she sees what is happening to her life and wants more for herself makes me a very happy mom today.

She had called my landscaping friend before begging for a second chance a couple of months ago. She told her to call her back when she had a vehicle to get to work every day. difficult child said she was calling her immediately to tell her that she can work again. Let's hope she does give her that second chance...my friend is a major difficult child and a bit crazy so you never know what is going to happen.

I am a happy mom and feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. At least for today...

 

[AmericanGirl]

PG....that is awesome news and reason to celebrate!!

 

[Calamity Jane]

That's great news, PG. I'm glad she looks so good...it's a very good sign!