Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
OMG. Dropped in My Lap LONG!
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="GoingNorth" data-source="post: 658231" data-attributes="member: 1963"><p>There's just so much going on here.</p><p></p><p>My sister was very damaged by the sexual abuse. It governed all her life choices and still does.</p><p></p><p>She doesn't understand why she was chosen for the abuse and I wasn't, even though, as I understand it, it isn't that uncommon for one child to be singled out.</p><p></p><p>There is also the fact that my sister was a beautiful child and I bore an uncanny resemblance to mum's side of the famiy, which may have been a real turn-off.</p><p></p><p>I don't feel any sort of guilt for not helping her as a child. I honestly knew nothing about this until yesterday night. I did know at an early age that my father was mentally ill, but knew nothing about the pedophilia. My father wasn't at all educated, but he was a very intelligent man.</p><p></p><p>It wouldn't have been difficult to hide something like this from either a child or a wife who didn't want to know.</p><p></p><p>Especially when the victim was too frightened and too caught up in the web of being the "pleaser" to tell anyone about what was going on.</p><p></p><p>One incident that she remembers very clearly that I don't recall at all, really struck me. When we first moved to our house ine suburbs, I was thrilled because it meant we kids could have our own rooms. I was 12 and sister was 9.</p><p></p><p>Sister was terrified of sleeping in her own room as it meant that she now had no defences against our dad.</p><p></p><p>She came into my room one night and asked me if she could sleep at the foot of my bed. I said "no". And told her to go away. She then asked if she could sleep on the floor. Apparently I said no, and told her to get the "****" out of my room.</p><p></p><p>She is convinced I did this because I was afraid that her presence would draw dad into my room and I'd be abused too.</p><p></p><p>I have no memory of this incident, but do remember that at the age of 12, my younger sister was very clingy and drove me crazy.</p><p></p><p>I assume my response was simply "terrible tween" complicated by a good dose of BiPolar (BP) "b@itchiness, and told her that. I don't think she believed me.</p><p></p><p>So, on some level, she feels I should've protected her and failed. I'm not taking that on, by the way.</p><p></p><p>I realize I can't fix sister. I also realize that until SHE deals with this, there is no hope for her getting off of substances or away from any of the other destructive things she does to herself, as I think all of them are tied to the past abuse and her not dealing with it for 40 years.</p><p></p><p>Realize that in addition to the sexual abuse, there was a tremendous amount of emotional abuse of the "parenting the parent" sort laid on sister by dad starting at a very young age. That's also got to be dealt with.</p><p></p><p>I see my role as being a shoulder to cry on/vent upon, to continue to push conuseling/therapy even if it gets me screamed at, and hopefully, to not have to identify any bodies.</p><p></p><p>The marrying back into the highschool crowd she ran with during a particularly self-destructive time in her life, and a resumption of poly-drug abuse on top of the alcohol frightens me. I'm not sure her admitting for the first time that she is an addict is a positive thing so much as it is more of an "in your face" sort of thing.</p><p></p><p>I've had to re-draw a lot of the very firm boundaries I had in place around sister during a similar period of acting out 30 years ago, and that pains me.</p><p></p><p>I am liberal about MJ use, but that's it. There will be an "after-party" after the wedding reception during which there will be drug use, but there will be none during the reception itself other than alcohol, which given the proclivities of much of that crowd, is enough to worry me.</p><p></p><p>Then there's my mother, who is being sheltered from all of this because no one wants to upset her at her age (81), though I suspect she knows more than sister thinks she does.</p><p></p><p>I would like to attend family counselling with at least sister and I. I don't think dragging my mother through this is the kind thing to do.</p><p></p><p>My sister views "counselling as "emotional vomiting" though if what she did all over me on the phone for two hours last night wasn't that...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="GoingNorth, post: 658231, member: 1963"] There's just so much going on here. My sister was very damaged by the sexual abuse. It governed all her life choices and still does. She doesn't understand why she was chosen for the abuse and I wasn't, even though, as I understand it, it isn't that uncommon for one child to be singled out. There is also the fact that my sister was a beautiful child and I bore an uncanny resemblance to mum's side of the famiy, which may have been a real turn-off. I don't feel any sort of guilt for not helping her as a child. I honestly knew nothing about this until yesterday night. I did know at an early age that my father was mentally ill, but knew nothing about the pedophilia. My father wasn't at all educated, but he was a very intelligent man. It wouldn't have been difficult to hide something like this from either a child or a wife who didn't want to know. Especially when the victim was too frightened and too caught up in the web of being the "pleaser" to tell anyone about what was going on. One incident that she remembers very clearly that I don't recall at all, really struck me. When we first moved to our house ine suburbs, I was thrilled because it meant we kids could have our own rooms. I was 12 and sister was 9. Sister was terrified of sleeping in her own room as it meant that she now had no defences against our dad. She came into my room one night and asked me if she could sleep at the foot of my bed. I said "no". And told her to go away. She then asked if she could sleep on the floor. Apparently I said no, and told her to get the "****" out of my room. She is convinced I did this because I was afraid that her presence would draw dad into my room and I'd be abused too. I have no memory of this incident, but do remember that at the age of 12, my younger sister was very clingy and drove me crazy. I assume my response was simply "terrible tween" complicated by a good dose of BiPolar (BP) "b@itchiness, and told her that. I don't think she believed me. So, on some level, she feels I should've protected her and failed. I'm not taking that on, by the way. I realize I can't fix sister. I also realize that until SHE deals with this, there is no hope for her getting off of substances or away from any of the other destructive things she does to herself, as I think all of them are tied to the past abuse and her not dealing with it for 40 years. Realize that in addition to the sexual abuse, there was a tremendous amount of emotional abuse of the "parenting the parent" sort laid on sister by dad starting at a very young age. That's also got to be dealt with. I see my role as being a shoulder to cry on/vent upon, to continue to push conuseling/therapy even if it gets me screamed at, and hopefully, to not have to identify any bodies. The marrying back into the highschool crowd she ran with during a particularly self-destructive time in her life, and a resumption of poly-drug abuse on top of the alcohol frightens me. I'm not sure her admitting for the first time that she is an addict is a positive thing so much as it is more of an "in your face" sort of thing. I've had to re-draw a lot of the very firm boundaries I had in place around sister during a similar period of acting out 30 years ago, and that pains me. I am liberal about MJ use, but that's it. There will be an "after-party" after the wedding reception during which there will be drug use, but there will be none during the reception itself other than alcohol, which given the proclivities of much of that crowd, is enough to worry me. Then there's my mother, who is being sheltered from all of this because no one wants to upset her at her age (81), though I suspect she knows more than sister thinks she does. I would like to attend family counselling with at least sister and I. I don't think dragging my mother through this is the kind thing to do. My sister views "counselling as "emotional vomiting" though if what she did all over me on the phone for two hours last night wasn't that... [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
OMG. Dropped in My Lap LONG!
Top