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OMG. Dropped in My Lap LONG!
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 658278" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Ouch.</p><p></p><p>And you are the older sister, and your maternal instincts will be tearing into you big time, now that you know. But you <em>didn't</em> know, then. Neither you nor your sister had the words to name what was happening, or the knowledge base to know what it was, or just how unspeakably wrong it was. I am only just finding the right words myself, and I am 63.</p><p>It is testament to your character that she was able to tell you what she has believed for all these years, Going. That is something for you both to find strength in. There was no way you could have known what was happening to her. Back when everything you both would go through began, the only person who <em>did</em> have the words to name the wrongness was the abuser.</p><p></p><p>And that's where the damage is. Those words, those self-descriptive, wordless words, they left in our heads to justify themselves.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And your role is also to cherish yourself through this. Very much, this is true. It seems to me that every old trauma reawakened awakens others, all of them lumped together into some unrecognizable thing that is wordlessly scary, and deeply toxic. Without words to describe it, to define it and know it and name where we are, we are left only with the feelings, and that is a very hard thing to know how to survive when we don't even know what they are.</p><p></p><p>That's why we blocked them out in the first place.</p><p></p><p>So take very good and conscientious care of yourself through this time, Going.</p><p></p><p>You have been through alot. You are healing. It is worth it.</p><p></p><p>It is hard to do.</p><p></p><p>You can do it. It's your own self you are reclaiming. They never had a right to that in the first place. You should always have been your own. When I trace things back and really get it, when I really get the nature of the vulnerabilities I was left with, I could just spit.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Probably both.</p><p></p><p>It was ugly when it started, and it isn't going to be pretty coming back. But there has been change now; that is a change in the pattern of things. Now there is room for some new thing to happen. And this time, you both have the words.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>She needs to know where the boundaries are too, Going.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>The answer to these questions will come clearer over time. It helps me place myself correctly when I am able to remind myself that I have time. Maybe just to draw a full breath, maybe to put it all away for a little while, maybe to have a dream I can decipher when my words aren't able to define it so I can heal.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I'm sorry this is happening to you, Going. That must be such a sad thing to feel.</p><p></p><p>But you are right. You cannot stand up for her. You can only stand beside her, and maybe help her with the words, and witness.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Tune up. I like that very valid concept.</p><p></p><p>Tune up.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I hope you are able to do this with her, Going. She is worth it, and you are, too. I wish with all my heart that my sister and I were in a better place, too. But like you said, you cannot do it for her.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Take extra care during this time, okay? Thomas and Squeaky and you. That's what you can have all the say in the world in.</p><p></p><p>Thomas and Squeaky and you.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 658278, member: 17461"] Ouch. And you are the older sister, and your maternal instincts will be tearing into you big time, now that you know. But you [I]didn't[/I] know, then. Neither you nor your sister had the words to name what was happening, or the knowledge base to know what it was, or just how unspeakably wrong it was. I am only just finding the right words myself, and I am 63. It is testament to your character that she was able to tell you what she has believed for all these years, Going. That is something for you both to find strength in. There was no way you could have known what was happening to her. Back when everything you both would go through began, the only person who [I]did[/I] have the words to name the wrongness was the abuser. And that's where the damage is. Those words, those self-descriptive, wordless words, they left in our heads to justify themselves. Yes. And your role is also to cherish yourself through this. Very much, this is true. It seems to me that every old trauma reawakened awakens others, all of them lumped together into some unrecognizable thing that is wordlessly scary, and deeply toxic. Without words to describe it, to define it and know it and name where we are, we are left only with the feelings, and that is a very hard thing to know how to survive when we don't even know what they are. That's why we blocked them out in the first place. So take very good and conscientious care of yourself through this time, Going. You have been through alot. You are healing. It is worth it. It is hard to do. You can do it. It's your own self you are reclaiming. They never had a right to that in the first place. You should always have been your own. When I trace things back and really get it, when I really get the nature of the vulnerabilities I was left with, I could just spit. Probably both. It was ugly when it started, and it isn't going to be pretty coming back. But there has been change now; that is a change in the pattern of things. Now there is room for some new thing to happen. And this time, you both have the words. She needs to know where the boundaries are too, Going. The answer to these questions will come clearer over time. It helps me place myself correctly when I am able to remind myself that I have time. Maybe just to draw a full breath, maybe to put it all away for a little while, maybe to have a dream I can decipher when my words aren't able to define it so I can heal. I'm sorry this is happening to you, Going. That must be such a sad thing to feel. But you are right. You cannot stand up for her. You can only stand beside her, and maybe help her with the words, and witness. Tune up. I like that very valid concept. Tune up. I hope you are able to do this with her, Going. She is worth it, and you are, too. I wish with all my heart that my sister and I were in a better place, too. But like you said, you cannot do it for her. Take extra care during this time, okay? Thomas and Squeaky and you. That's what you can have all the say in the world in. Thomas and Squeaky and you. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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