I am so done - I have been struggling with severe depression for a year now. The move has only intensified it. I have a new counselor and a new psychiatrist - whop-dee-do. Nothing is budging in my brain chemistry. I am really convinced it is also hormones - and situational depression from losing my dad and job, etc. That combined with my already baseline depression and every breath seems difficult. My Mom has suddenly gotten out of denial entered her grief stage about losing her husband of 48 years, and she is a mess. I am worried for her. She is also depressed, lost seeming, lifeless. And with all of that in mind, I am thinking, oh but at least Matt is doing really well. But............Earlier this week I noticed on the phone that his speech seemed a little pressured and he seemed manic. But it has been a long time since he cycled, so I wasn't sure. I picked him up yesterday to spend the weekend with me up here in WA., and he had crashed into a horrible depression. He is sitting on my couch crying right now - it is BAD! He is never in tears with his emotions. Angry, volatile, mean - that was yesterday - today morose and in tears. *forehead smack* UGH. Why is he this depressed - I don't know. Always his answer. Then little dribbles about how his Dad called him this week and is really sick from his Hep C, and Matt is sure he is going to die. And how my Mom came over to his house, and was really Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and distant, and it made him sad. And he is sure his new friends don't like him, and that he will be loser, and that he is a burden to society, and that he should just kill himself. :difficult child: REALLY??? I mean, I know he really feels these feeling - but good god - where are his coping skills? Of course I am one to talk.................I don't even know where mine are. So here we are together this weekend. He is crying, it is raining, and I am teetering on the edge of madness. Tomorrow my Mom comes up here to visit for 4 days. How much more can I be surrounded by depression, grief, and sorrow? This is STUPID!!!!! I mean, this has to stop. I feel like I am constantly trying to crawl out of this snake pit, and I keep slipping back in. And I can't really blame it on Matt, or my Mom, it is really me that can't pull myself out of this funk. Every day I wake up, and I am like, OK this is the day that I am going to do XYZ, and it will be better. By 10:30 I am usually crying, and already going downhill. I am so mad at myself for not having more self discipline here. I am supposed to be making myself a new great life. I am mad at myself for not taking that job offer back in Nov., and for letting my life go unleashed and into this whole other hemisphere. Thanks for listening. I just need it to get better, and I know I am the only one who can do that. Yet - that knowledge is not giving me the power, or motivation to do something - it is just idle knowledge that sits on a shelf looking at me, reminding me of what I am supposed to do.