OMG - I cant do this anymore !!!

[Steely]

I am so done -

I have been struggling with severe depression for a year now. The move has only intensified it. I have a new counselor and a new psychiatrist - whop-dee-do. Nothing is budging in my brain chemistry. I am really convinced it is also hormones - and situational depression from losing my dad and job, etc. That combined with my already baseline depression and every breath seems difficult.

My Mom has suddenly gotten out of denial entered her grief stage about losing her husband of 48 years, and she is a mess. I am worried for her. She is also depressed, lost seeming, lifeless.

And with all of that in mind, I am thinking, oh but at least Matt is doing really well. But............Earlier this week I noticed on the phone that his speech seemed a little pressured and he seemed manic. But it has been a long time since he cycled, so I wasn't sure. I picked him up yesterday to spend the weekend with me up here in WA., and he had crashed into a horrible depression. He is sitting on my couch crying right now - it is BAD! He is never in tears with his emotions. Angry, volatile, mean - that was yesterday - today morose and in tears. *forehead smack* UGH.

Why is he this depressed - I don't know. Always his answer. Then little dribbles about how his Dad called him this week and is really sick from his Hep C, and Matt is sure he is going to die. And how my Mom came over to his house, and was really Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and distant, and it made him sad. And he is sure his new friends don't like him, and that he will be loser, and that he is a burden to society, and that he should just kill himself.
:difficult child:
REALLY??? I mean, I know he really feels these feeling - but good god - where are his coping skills? Of course I am one to talk.................I don't even know where mine are.

So here we are together this weekend. He is crying, it is raining, and I am teetering on the edge of madness.

Tomorrow my Mom comes up here to visit for 4 days. How much more can I be surrounded by depression, grief, and sorrow?
This is STUPID!!!!!

I mean, this has to stop. I feel like I am constantly trying to crawl out of this snake pit, and I keep slipping back in. And I can't really blame it on Matt, or my Mom, it is really me that can't pull myself out of this funk. Every day I wake up, and I am like, OK this is the day that I am going to do XYZ, and it will be better. By 10:30 I am usually crying, and already going downhill.

I am so mad at myself for not having more self discipline here. I am supposed to be making myself a new great life. I am mad at myself for not taking that job offer back in Nov., and for letting my life go unleashed and into this whole other hemisphere.

Thanks for listening. I just need it to get better, and I know I am the only one who can do that. Yet - that knowledge is not giving me the power, or motivation to do something - it is just idle knowledge that sits on a shelf looking at me, reminding me of what I am supposed to do.

 

[HaoZi]

Ours is edging up, too, and seems linked to the early darkness. It won't solve your issues, but maybe a good sunlamp type thing and good gym or workout plan would help you cope (and if you can drag them on board it might help them, too).
*hugs* and hang in there!

ETA: Your move north would make the daylight change even more noticeable I would think.

 

[Steely]

Yes, I can count the days down till Matt has one of these breaks....every year...around his BD....Oct 9th. The lessening of light, the feelings about himself, all crop up around his BD, and consequently, he has had 20 years of bad experiences around this time so the depression just continues its cycle.

Perhaps I am also caught in it to seem degree, because every year in the fall bad things happen with Matt, and my sis's BD is Oct 18th, so now that is also a bit of a trigger.

I will talk to Matt about a sunlamp. Where I live it is very sunny almost all of the time, so I think I am still OK with the sunlight factor.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Steely -

{{hugs}}

Inside your brain, its "dark" right now. But that doesn't mean the rest of life really is that dark. It just means the rays of light are not getting in right now. Not that the rest of life is blazing sunshine - but it is day, not night.

There has been too much going on, for too long.
Call it a stress-reaction, if you want.
Added to seasonal variability, and natural tendencies...

But you CAN go on.
One day at a time.
One meal at a time.
One breath at a time, if you have to.

You probably don't feel much like cooking and eating... so, don't - just surround yourself with healthy stuff to nibble on, and you'll still get the calories and food value without the organizational effort. Fresh fruit. Veggies. A bit of cheese. Healthy drinks.

The process has been set in motion for moving forward, but sometimes its a bit like starting up a freight train: they have to back up a bit to create enough slack in the "line-up" before its even possible to move forward.

You're the little engine that could.
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

(and we're behind you...)

 

[Hound dog]

((((hugs))))

 

[Liahona]

:Grouphug:you can do it!

 

[keista]

((((HUGS))))

I am so mad at myself for not having more self discipline here.

Young lady you know very well, that has absolutely NOTHING to do with it! I've got the proof in the other thread pepperidge started.

You are stuck in a really bad patch. It sux. It's made worse by the fact that the ppl closest to you are also in a bad place. For some reason, you think you should just pull yourself up by your bootstraps so you could help THEM. Well, you'll all have to lean on each other. Time will pass and so will this bad patch. If you haven't had your medications adjusted recently, do so. Give yourself time. You wouldn't hesitate to give your self time if it were any other kind of illness, would you? Well, this is NO different. Rent movies, read good books. Drink hot cocoa with tons of marshmallows. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to heal.

 

[seriously]

Perhaps the three of you could get a special deal on a brief but relaxing vacation at the local psychiatric hospital? Kind of joking but also kind of not you know?

Criticizing yourself is probably not helpful right now. You are truly doing the best that you can do.

If you need someone to give you permission to take care of yourself by going to the hospital - well I'll give it freely. Best thing I have done in the past 6 years was finally admit myself and I should have done it long before I reached that point but I was so sure it would get better if I just waited it out.

I hope you can all find some way to break the gloom with a good movie, trip to the zoo, crazy string party, wild night of Yahtzee or whatever. I have always found Monty Python movies hilarious - no matter how bad I feel. And ever since I went through chemo 22 years ago I have found healing by reading Calvin and Hobbes.

Hugs

 

[BusynMember]

I agree that you should read pepperidge's thread. Depression can start out situational then get so unremitting that it becomes clinical. You can't just "snap out of it."

Hugs, and I hope you seek help soon and are feeling much better!

 

[Steely]

I am working with therapist and psychiatrist on finding new medications and solutions. I am just not sure how long it will all take. A trip to phosph is not something I can do for a lot of reasons.

I was reading this book last night, non-fiction, but there was a character in it talking about grief. She was saying there are 3 ways to feel grief - deny it until it hits you on the head - have it bring you to your knees when it first happens - or it is like a sliver that slowly splits you open. Gradually it enters your soul until you can only pour out the grief, paralyzed until it all has been purged.

I really think the latter is where I am at. Besides all the other obvious grief things I have, I was reminded of how much grief I have never processed over matt. After spending the weekend with him, manic, it made me realize all the pain I have held inside for the last 20 years. When Matt is around I just clench up and don't feel, and that is how I have spent 20 years.

The therapist keeps telling me that I am too raw to write at this moment, yet I really think that is the ONLY thing that will purge me of all the pain that is in me. I cannot do it through talking to someone once a week, or even twice a week, or even a phosph visit. I think I can only do it through writing. The problem with writing is that is takes me back into PTSD mode, and I start to have PTSD symptoms. But at this point, I am going to have to sacrifice more pain, to feel normal again.

This weekend with Matt brought back so many horrible memories - it was just one huge PTSD palooza. I can't see how writing can be much worse. Matt was so so manic this weekend. It has been 1 year and a 1/2 since I have seen the pressured speech, the distorted thinking, the rages, the suicidal ideations....a flash from the past. OMG it makes me just want to bash my head. He went to see a regular Dr about his blood pressure, and because he presented a normal stat she blew him off. He didn't tell her it was erratic. Today - it a was 116/172 with a pulse of 122 !!!! And he is 6'3 and 174 lbs. UGH. I am calling that dr back and telling her to go back through his records in AZ and look how crazy his blood pressure can be, and to do something about it....I am sure he wouldn't be as edgy if his blood pressure wasn't so high.

And of course while Matt was here my Mom went in Matt's house and cleaned the whole thing. <*forehead*>. Matt feels like he can't say anything because she is helping him with rent, and he is probably right. I certainly can't say anything. But - hello - boundaries???

Anyway....at least I am not so depressed today....as my adrenaline is over the top dealing with Matt. I did tell him he can't come up here and visit until he has stopped cycling. It is just too much.

 

[seriously]

Only other thought would be to ask your psychiatrist about ECT. My sister had this and it was truly miraculous.

 

[HaoZi]

On your mom, any chance taking care of Matt helps alleviate her grief? She's used to taking care of people, it helps her fill that empty spot maybe. If that's the case, and he really doesn't want the help but can't bring himself to say it, perhaps he could point her towards a nursing home or hospital that needs volunteers.

 

[keista]

Steely, writing sounds like a good plan. I don't know the details of your writing PTSD, but maybe a different type of writing would help. Every try free writing? If so, does that also elicit the PTSD?

That piece you wrote a week or so ago about the trees was phenomenal, but therapeutic writing does not have to be that polished. It may get there someday, but for now it just has to be.

 

[Steely]

Seriously what is ECT?

Haozi - you are hit the nail on the head. She is volunteering, but I think "doing" things for family still fills that niche. It is OK I think. I will talk to her more when she comes up tomorrow.

Keista, thank you. That piece on the trees was my "free writing". It was just what came up in my soul one day. However the actual writing I am talking about is a memoir of my life. I have 150 pages until the age of 27 - and then it got too painful and I stopped. That was when Matt was 4. I have to keep writing the rest of the details out though. I feel the release once I have a polished chapter. However, the PTSD comes up in these vivid horrible nightmares. I am not sure if I can even explain them. They alter my whole existence. Basically it is like I have re-lived the entire situation in a dream, and I wake up crying,or screaming, or gasping for air - and the depression hits me like a boulder for days.

 

[HaoZi]

Have you considered alternate means of writing? There's a free program that transcribes for you if talking is easier than physically putting the words on paper (or virtual paper). Editing it might be easier than the first draft.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Once you've polished a chapter, and gotten the "release", does that stuff still keep coming back? or just the stuff you're working on?

If it's "just" current-chapter stuff, then the process you are going through is doing you some good... in essence, taking it out of yourself, so you can "put it away" inside....

Does the new therapist or psychiatrist have any suggestions on how to work through this process without getting hung up in the middle?

 

[Star*]

Writing is cathartic, but it is not a cure. Things that were done, will NOT get undone over night, at your command, at your wished rate, at your hope, or because you say "Well I'm all better now, because I blah blah blah, so that's that."

I would say instead of delving into books on grief,(which from what I am reading, have read and continue to read about you -you need not borrow ABSOLUTELY no more of -your own or others') perhaps you should turn your sights towards books on patience. It seems you have very little for yourself, your healing, others expected time of grieving in comparison to your own, loss, and without patience I'm not quite sure you will be able to fully be able to begin to accept the prospect of working through grief.....mostly? Because understanding grief is a process that requires patience.

Yup, if I were you...I'd put down all the sad, morose commentary about splitting wood, splintering lives, twisting, tangled, gnarled hearts, darkened lives - and look perhaps for reading that was a bit more uplifting, englightening, empowering for my soul; freeing if you will - I would not teather myself further to a pit.


Darkness...only enlightens us when there is a moon shining bright in the sky, or a star to guide us. Wisemen...waited for a star.......and look what they got. - Patience and a way. Be your own star - but don't moon anyone. Trust me - it can get you into lots of trouble.

Hugs & Love
Star

 

[buddy]

First, I am so sorry you are struggling. I have been there and thank heaven it was a few years of treatment and nothing since. Even after all this time I always say I would not hesitate for a second to go get help because it was so awful going to that place. I do remember it helping on the most intolerable days to just focus on THAT day and what I would in small time slots. I always felt better if I got one thing done....not even having to do all of the dishes, maybe just rinse them. Anyway, I really feel for you and wish your medications would work or all of the many things I am sure you have tried.

I have a really inspiring story for those who have untreatable depression....A friend of mine has struggled, been in the hospital. had ECT and been on every medication known for 20 plus years. She was entered into a research study in Chicago (not our state but she drove there) and I think she said around 20 of them had VNS surgically implanted (vagal nerve stimulator--used to treat several things in past including seizures etc.) She said except for one patient that couldn't tolerate it she was told every single one of them has had success to some degree. most to a large degree. For her, it has changed her life completely. She pretty much hadn't had a day of adulthood that was without depression. She travels everywhere, she has held her job as a teacher and moved up to lead teacher and mentor status. I barely know her some days and it is amazing.
Not a help to you now but a glimmer of hope for those who have treatment resistant depression. I really think she would not have been with us in her 50's if not for that.
Take care, buddy

 

[keista]

However the actual writing I am talking about is a memoir of my life. I have 150 pages until the age of 27 - and then it got too painful and I stopped. That was when Matt was 4. I have to keep writing the rest of the details out though. I feel the release once I have a polished chapter. However, the PTSD comes up in these vivid horrible nightmares. I am not sure if I can even explain them. They alter my whole existence. Basically it is like I have re-lived the entire situation in a dream, and I wake up crying,or screaming, or gasping for air - and the depression hits me like a boulder for days.

And then how do you feel? Is it finally gone? Your memoirs obviously are a difficult undertaking. They will get written eventually. For now, maybe work on free writing. To get through the NOW issues. Then when you are stronger you can return to your life's work, since that does need attention as well as strength.

 

[Steely]

Yes, when I finally finish the chapter, than the pain is released. The writing is like releasing a demon if I can get through the exorcism.

Star the book I am reading is about a fictional 12 year old who goes to live with her aunt in GA. I am not reading or watching anything about grief. That just happened to be a statement made in the course of the book. I really don't know what you are talking about when you say "the books" I have read on grief-as I have not read any!
As for patience, perhaps you a right, because I actually have no patience to even continue this thread after reading your reply. Thanks for pointing out even more things I need to work on, very helpful.