OMG I'm Exhausted!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Apr 9, 2011.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Moving day. Or at least it was supposed to be.

    It didn't get off to a good start. Well of course it didn't, there were difficult children involved.:imok:

    I get up early so I can take Darrin to the grade school Art show. A surprise easy child and I had planned for him to get some much wanted/needed Nana time. Nichole, who was due to arrive timed after the Art show, popped in before I left so she came along. That took longer than expected because easy child got the start time wrong.......but was fun anyway.

    While I was gone katie called and said Alex's teacher told her the furniture/household items they'd collected would be delivered to the apartment by 1pm. That put a hitch into we were planning to transfer katie's things in one haul across town, then husband take the kids back to our house to entertain them with a long movie while us gals hit Aldi's and Goodwill.

    So I call katie back because I saw no reason for us to hang around until 1pm doing nothing. I can't reach her by her cell and the shelter said she'd left. Lovely. So after several more tries on the cell.......Nichole and I head across town just to see if by chance she went to the apartment. And she had. Found here there with some donated shelter things......someone had left a really nice sofa sleeper at her front door, too. Soooooooo back across town to load up Nichole's jeep....and to fetch husband and Travis who have his kia packed to the hilt. Then back across town to take it to katie, unload it with 3 very hyper kids nipping at our heels.

    Then katie too a moment to show us the apartment. (think townhouse) Now our family lived there ourselves for a period of 4 yrs......actually only 2 doors down from where katie is now. The layout of her apartment is exactly the same as the one we had. It's not huge, but it is in no way small. ugh And hers has been totally remodeled with all new appliances. I found myself being sort of jealous. lol Then the boys.......who were as hyper as can be......started playing in the closet of their room and it has those metal sliding doors. Having lived there I know how easy they are to mess up.....and how utterly a pain they are to fix. Without thinking, Nana snatched them both up, looked them in the eye and said, " Now all you kids listen to me. You have to take care of this apartment. You can't be playing in the closets and tearing stuff up. They'll be coming in here every month to make sure you're keeping it clean and nothing is broken or damaged. If it is.......out you go and you won't have a place to live again!" Done in the Momma voice.

    I think I spent too many years in that apartment complex. lol That response was sort of automatic.....although even my difficult children would not have dared yank on closet doors and such the way Alex and Evan were doing. ugh But they stopped dead in their tracks.

    husband and Travis watched the kids while we headed out to stock up her house.

    The girl is 31 and doesn't know how to cook.......if it doesn't have instructions on the box, she doesn't know what to do with it. omg! (kayla was explaining to papa that they were gonna starve if daddy can't come live with them) Didn't help that she has no dishes/pots pans ect at this point. But she did fill 2 huge Aldi carts full of fairly decent food......although I was a tad alarmed at how much ramen went into the cart........and hamburger.......guessing that must be a staple. Still she didn't do too bad.

    That furniture from the school didn't show. The teacher called and said they'd deliver in the morning due to the rain. Shelter staff told katie she could stay another night and they'll help move what little is left there over to the apartment for her. Good cuz we're wiped......and we used up a week's worth of gas.

    Tomorrow she'll have 2 couches (one a sleeper sofa) 2 twin beds, a tv, a computer for alex.......and lord knows what else. One complaint I swear I'll smack her upside the bleeping head.:rollingpin:
  2. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    OMG, I imagine you ARE exhausted after all of that! The only thing I hate worse than moving is moving somebody else! I only hope they will appreciate it and take care of it all! I hope Katie will step up and keep the kids in line so they don't destroy the place! If they will behave for YOU, it shows that it can be done. Those kids won't know how to handle it, to be living in their own private apartment instead of a shelter! You've done all you could - now the rest is up to them.

    But how are they ever going to keep M out of there once he finds out they have a computer? Is he not allowed on the premises at all or is he just not allowed to officially live there with them?
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It was super nice of you to do all of that to help, ESP after katie didn't answer her phone and didn't follow the plans that you had made with her. in my opinion that is NOT a good sign. It is a sign of "I will do what I feel like doing even if it is different than the plans I made with you that you are going way out of your way and spending a lot of money you don't have on gas to help me out."

    I really hope that she realizes how truly unbelievable lucky and BLESSED she is to get ALL of that stuff, family to help, and a safe place to live. I am quite sure that M will try to finagle a way to live there, even if he doesn't "officially" live there because the rules. It will take katie maybe a week to realize how much WORK it is to have your own place and 3 kids who have never had any sort of rules on her own.

    I hope she doesn't complain, but I am sure it will be "too hard" to do it all by herself. And I hope and pray I am wrong. I also hope and pray the apt manager is as on top of things as you say he is. because that means at the first sign of neglect he will call CPS and at the first sign of whatever she uses to treat her headaches he will get CPS and whomever else involved to protect those kids. Esp as from what you have said she is NOT using OTC medications to treat them.

    This should give the kids some idea of what life in a home is like and I hope they push her to live up to the standards they see at Nana's house and their aunt's homes.

    Sending "don't mess this up for your kids" and "don't ruin this by letting M come around/stay there ever" vibes.

    I hope the apt mgr means that M cannot be on the property. The kids have no prayer unless tehy get away from him - esp with the possible abuse of kayla. I also hope that somehow the school can arrange for them to see a therapist.
  4. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Did Kayla ever get her glasses?
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'd be tired, too. Love the way you explained it to the boys! Way To Go, Nana!
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Yes, Kayla has her glasses and she wears them because Nana told her if she doesn't, she'll find herself in a new home. I'm beginning to see on many issues I'm having to bypass parents and address the kids honestly myself. :sigh:

    My post got interrupted. lol

    Nana had no hair growing on her tongue today........things were flying outta my mouth left and right. lol

    Katie made the mistake to complain yet again how small the apartment was in front of the kids. I'm sorry but for me, nuh uh, kiddo. She's spent the past heaven knows how many years crammed in a motel room with 6 people and has the nerve to complain that an all utility paid.....almost non existent rent apartment is small??

    I jumped her the moment it came out of her mouth. I said " Listen here Missy, WE lived in this exact same floor plan for 4 yrs or more without a single issue with a TON of BIG furniture. I think it's plenty big enough for you after all those years in a dinky motel room." And to prove MY point? I gave HER the grand tour, showing her the huge closet under the stairs and the huge closet in the kitchen......putting her drawer back on her stove she couldn't for the life of her figure out. (omg really??) And taking her outside to show her where her storage "shed" (more closet than shed) was located and explaining the key for the front door works that lock too. Don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about.

    Then, in the car......the kids were eying the woods and I could see difficult child minds at work. Nana told them, again in the momma voice, to not even THINK about going into those woods as the old man who owns them has a nasty habit of shooting guns at kids who think their fun to play in. The fence with the no trespassing signs are NOT just for decoration. He hunts in those woods. And Nichole backed me up 100 percent as MY difficult children had to learn that scary lesson the hard way of course. And for those of you shocked by a guy who shoots at kids who trespass on his property.......seems the sheriff doesn't have an issue with it. If you don't want shot at, stay OUT.

    Katie without M?? omg She has no clue what to do with the kids. None. Zero. And I'm guessing here.......but the past week or more while he's been pulling double shifts as Mr Dishwasher......has not helped matters. They don't listen to her at all. It's so bad that if someone they DO listen to is around....she hovers with that drawn in body posture and ignores them and anything they do until we correct them. Then she'll back us up, but by that point she need not bother as they've stopped. I don't know what she's been doing for the past almost 11 yrs but parenting is not it.

    I did manage to bite my tongue to some degree with her complaining. Mostly by getting us on the road to Aldi's. Who in their right mind complains when someone collects furniture for you because they can't bring it in the rain??

    I can't wait until she opens the bag of clothes that were stored here. I specifically told them at xmas when they got into the clothes that husband and I had carefully placed in double bagged heavy trash bags and placed into boxes.......not to leave them open as we were having a mouse issue due to the bad winter. Guess what? husband went out to pack their clothes.....every bag was open....including bags that were not well as boxes that were not theirs (and they knew these things weren't theirs grrrr) And the lil mice were busy. husband was so mad over them getting into our stored things....and the things set aside for goodwill that he just picked up those opened bags and dropped them into a new garbage bag and tied it shut. Mouse poo? Probably. Mouse holes? Probably. Not our fault. It took him a whole day moving junk they'd placed in front of the bags to reach them. In the freezing cold we never bothered. And I wasn't washing what would've easily amounted to about 12 loads of laundry because they did exactly what we told them not to do, and also went snooping.

    Oh, did manage to tell her in the car that since she was getting so much money back from disability........she could pay off her outstanding fees at the college and enroll for fall courses. She wouldn't even have to worry over a sitter because all 3 kids will be in school all day. She just stammered. I guess I wasn't supposed to remember that was one of the big reasons she wanted to come here. :rofl:

    Another thing.....sort of hit me wrong. Shelter is giving Alex a computer. This is on top of the laptop M snatched out of the donations a while back. wth? Now I may be wrong but if I was donating a computer to a shelter it would be with the thought that staff would use it or it might be sold to bring in money for something useful. Not to have 2 given to the same family. And please.....Alex will be parked on the darn thing every spare moment......if I'd known that I'd not have bothered buying him toys, cuz doubtful now he'll be playing with them. ugh And seems too.......shelter is considering giving them the dressers from the rooms they've been staying in. Uh why? Dressers aren't a necessity.

    Ok. Guess I'm getting way to cynical here and karma may come back and bite me in the fanny. So I'll stop.

    But I swear if I hear one more complaint about something someone has went out of their way to get her for free I'm going to rip her a new one the likes that even Nichole has never seen. And I can't help it. Too many times in my life when I did without even the bare just boils my blood to listen to her whine and complain at another person's thoughtful generosity.

    Antisocial/sociopath whatever. At least fake it!:grrr:

    Vent over. Now for a nice long hot bath.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    And no, short of a miracle...........due to M's felony, he is not only not allowed to live there, but he is not allowed to step foot on the property. If he does, he will be arrested and katie will find herself promptly evicted. I've seen it happen.......and that eviction does not take months. It's immediate, like 24 hr notice.

    I say the miracle because she's "appealing it". ugh
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I hope she doesn't totally much this up for the kids.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    they sure are generous there. I need dressers and no one is handing me any.
  10. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    HD - you know my husband does court watch. We have an apartment complex in the neighborhood that has a lot of subsidized housing in it. The live in manager has specifically asked husband (as well as the neighborhood liason officer) to let her know ANY time one of the tenants has "issues". She gets the calls for service list every month. She's currently working on evicting someone because another person used the address when arrested, even though everyone is sure the person doesn't live there.
    I don't now about your area, but here, with all the cuts to Jobs and Family Services, etc., they just aren't taking any ****. At the first sign of something not being quite right, they are out of there. They constantly call in license plates. They look closely at number of people vs. number of bedrooms. Kids better be in school at the correct times.
    I hope Katie doesn't blow it.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    This apartment complex has always been that way. But I'm seeing where it has gotten more strict as well. Inspections aren't once or twice a year anymore. (and those were a major pain) Now they are every month. Used to be manager would pick a few apartments to inspect with hud. (while I was there it was always mine ugh) White glove inspection, kid you not, and you'd darn well better pass. They check everything. Neighbors will turn you in for breaking the rules, because if they can't get away with it (and they can't) you're not going to either. It didn't take them long to catch on she was sneaking M into the apartment last time......and more than 10 different neighbors turned her in for it. Due to utilities being included......these apartments are in high demand. Manager puts up with nothing. When emergency services are called in (police/fire/ambulance) or cps........manager is notified at once. Helps that she lives on sight. Rules are strict, and they're enforced. I've been updated on this info via Nichole's bff who also lives there.

    Most people don't move out of these apartments because their financial positions have improved. Most are evicted due to breaking the rules. husband and I were one of very few to leave because our finances had improved and we'd maxed out rent there . Lived that way for 3 yrs.......and then went looking for something with a yard and no drama. lol

    I hope she doesn't blow it. I really do. But I'm really not counting on her being there very long. M is going to get jealous sooner or later about her getting "free" money and attempt to weasel his way in.

    Katie is extremely thin. Something is up with that, don't know what. That girl can just look at junk food and gain 20 lbs. Katie has always had issues with being over weight. She's not going hungry at the shelter, and residents pick and buy their own meals.

    Kayla has not grown even a hair. She is also horribly thin. A good wind could blow her away. This child has not grown in 4 yrs. She got a lecture from Nana yesterday as well on that......the "window" of growth she has left and the diet she'd better be eating to get the max out of those years she might have left. She'll be 11 and she's no bigger than a 7 yr old. She's worn a size 8 for 4 yrs at least, probably longer. She's at least 10 lbs under what she was last time I saw her at brandon's birthday. Alex is a good 4 inches taller than her......also thin but not too bad. I didn't know Nichole had jumped on her for the same thing maybe it will have a positive effect.

    Katie also did some complaining over Evan's picky eating and how he has Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) issues with his mouth. Maybe he does, maybe not. I got a good look at his teeth the past couple of days. OMG If I had rotten broken teeth in my mouth like that I'd have one heck of a time eating too. And brushing when they're that bad is wonder he won't let a toothbrush near his mouth! I told katie that and told her she'd better get him to a dentist asap. ALL of his top teeth have to go...and more than a few of the bottom teeth too. poor kid. I will be watching over the medical issues. The kids will tell me if they went or not, and they're honest about it.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    She had the stones to complain because her FREE apartment (I think you said rent was $40 a month which is FREE in this day and age!!!) which had 2 floors, and what sounds like a TON of storage esp with outside storage also, was too f'ing small??????

    Exactly who the H does she think she is? Paris Hilton and entitled to every dang thing she wants??? I am absolutely gobsmacked by all that they have given her. Those kids must have really wormed their way into someone special's heart. Or the kids got into someone's heart and M/Katie skeeved them out so that want to set them up extremely well while giving Katie/M lots and lots of different ways to totally wreck this so the kids can finally be taken from their parents and protected from them. I can see NO other reasons that a shelter would go so far as to arrange even dressers for them. Our shelter is amazing and really works to help families. We even have a really top shelf boutique type thrift store AND the Habitat ReStore that help support the shelter families not only with lots and lots of cash, but also with clothes, furniture, household everythign, etc.... and even with these groups they do not provide all the furniture that Katie and the kids have gotten.

    I hope that katie somehow can understand that letting M come over will RUIN thing for her children. My fear is that she just won't care. Not just think she won't get caught, but won't care because it is "too hard" to care for the kids. NOT that it sounds like she does, but that she won't watn to try.

    Do you think she would be at ALL receptive to some remedial on the job parenting? I am thinking that she needs you or Nichole or easy child to spend a day with her every so often with the kids. When the kids get out of line the real adult (you, Nichole or easy child) make Katie see that it is happening and then tell her to make them stop. Then you walk her through the steps each time, so that she starts to get it and the kids start to get that they are going to have to listen to her. It might even help to have a big poster with a list of rules, and to have steps to discipline the kids also written on a poster. Sort of the Supernanny thing where she makes lists of rules, sets up a time out spot, and makes the parents go through all the steps. It wouldn't be easy or just one day. It also might be the ONLY way that she will ever even have a chance to be a decent parent AND to keep custody of the kids.

    Another thought is to have a chat wtih the mgr. Would the mgr be willing to call CPS before he confronts them on an issue that would get them kicked out? That way there would be a chance that the kids might not be dragged back into the world of living in motels and shelters. I just think katie will try to run again when life is "too hard" for her to handlle with-o M to "parent" the kdis. Esp if she gets a migraine and tries to get whatever drugs she may be using to "treat" them.

    In this economy there are just too many people who need help for ANY group to make exceptions or lower their standards. When katie and M finally realize that they are NOT going to be able to change the ruels, and katie finds out that it is hard to raise kids, they will run out again. Those kids do NOT deserve this.
  13. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    For the sake of those kids, I surely hope that, 1. M is kept away. 2. Katie doesn't screw this up.

    Good for you for addressing your grands directly. You are the lifeline of sanity in their lives and I hope that influences them later on.

    I'm not surprised that Katie is complaining. Hasn't she had just about everything she's ever had provided for her? Never had to sweat to earn it herself? For people that get so much with so little effort, it just doesn't have value to them. For people like you and I, when we look or think about something we have purchased, we might think about what we had to do to get the item; like a TV, or some other purchase I think about how many hours of work it took or how I saved and researched the ads, and compared, to get the best price. For Katie, just about everything is given to her. Granted, it is mostly for her children, but she also directly benefits from the largess of others. Unfortunately, it also fosters a sense of entitlement and doesn't give her the benefit of acquiring items with personal effort. Hence, her whining, which would drive me up the wall too.

    I live in a city with a high poverty and crime rate. There is a lot of subsidized apartments and other housing. I encounter children like your grands a lot as an educator. Anyway, what I used to notice is that when people move, or often are evicted, they would simply leave their stuff behind. At least furniture and sometimes toys and clothing belonging to the children. I would think, "Why do they abandon their stuff? Don't they value what it took to get it? These people are poor and struggling. Why don't they take the stuff with them?" husband and I have struggled mightily in the past and things are tight now, but it would never occur to me to leave my things behind unless I had absolutely no choice whatsoever.

    I also wondered why so many of these subsidized renters just destroy the places they live in. Or just allow the trash to pile up and leave their junk all over the place which affects the rest of the neighborhood. Don't they value where they live? Don't they have some pride?

    After seeing this happen again and again, I realized that when most humans do not (or never have) earn what they have, there's no value attached to it. When it is given (whether its a well worn couch or dresser or a Gucci purse) over and over, it doesn't have, what I like to call, Personal Sweat Value. This also applies to those from affluent or wealthy families (inspiring shows like "You're Cut Off) when Mom and Dad's money buys them a lot of material things and no parental expectations are place upon them to support themselves.

    Anyway, just some thoughts to hopefully help you with your frustration with Katie. I know you do what you do because of the grands. In your position, I would most likely to the same thing. Her apartment sounds nice and for the sake of the grands, I hope she keeps her act together so they can stay. Her track record isn't good, though. Like it or not, you are going to have to be keeping an eye on her. I think an epiphany on her part is possible, but not very likely. Your grand's best chance is the relationships with you and other "together" family members.
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Sadly Susie, I have tried that method with Katie. It doesn't work.

    She doesn't even have an emotional attachment to these kids. There is no bond........I knew that with Kayla and Alex because it was so in your face obvious when they were little. Spending time with her and Evan this week without M in the picture........I strongly suspect it is also true with Evan. She is not inclined to interact with them on any level unless she is forced to for some reason. This really interferes with trying to teach parenting skills, even the basics. Katie's biomom is a good person whom I can say tried her best with katie. BUT biomom also had zero parenting skills. As long as katie was following house rules.......katie was for the most part ignored while her mom immersed herself in tv game shows and soap operas. Biomom's father, whom they lived with until he died when katie was 16 (and all hades broke loose and their lives went straight into the toilet), was super controlling. Katie rarely broke house rules, which meant much of the time she was ignored. Now I wasn't there so can't say how much ignoring went on.........but always when katie came to stay with us the thing she loved most was that I was so involved and active with the kids, and she often asked me why I didn't just sit and watch tv all day like her mom did.

    Nichole is very tempted to call in supernanny. lol However, I think even she would probably give up and just call cps.

    That is another thing. Residents in this complex do not hesitate to give cps a call, nor does the manager. While there are many stereotypical "trash" type familes that live there, there are plenty of good poor people who also live there. Thankfully the latter is the majority as the manager weeds out the bad from good on an ongoing basis. Because these apartments are literally on top of each other.....townhouses that share common walls with next door townhouses......everyone is up in everyone else's business even when you don't want to be. Those walls are not thick nor sound proof. Being a small rural town, most people have those values and won't hesitate to call police or cps if the situation calls for it. Residents will have katie pegged by the end of the first week. The poor pity me routine will not work on them. Because half of them are trying the same routine and can recognize the scam.......and the other half have been exposed to it so much it makes them sick. lol

    Last time katie had many neighbors reporting her to both the manager and cps. It will probably be the same this time. I scoped out a few of her neighbors.....some we know, which like last time will be useful.
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    And with what money she has left after payin off student loans she should walk to the dollar store and get a .50 thank you card for every person that helped them so she can write how awful all the stuff is, and how small the apartment is? And an I MISS YOU CARD for M.

    (that ought to put the fur back on your tongue) - lol

    Sending YOU a huge THANK YOU - I don't know how you do it Hound - I really don't. Not without the girl needing a patch in her pants.