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OMG. Now my dad. Does it ever end?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 629495" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Recovering once likened dysfunctional family systems to a litter of puppies, all trying to nurse from the one nipple the mother dog has. If the mother dog were healthy, she would acknowledge that she had only one nipple, and allow each of the puppies to nurse until each had her fill. If the mother dog were very sick...she might tease and taunt and starve her puppies, weakening them and making them detest her, themselves, and each other. In such systems, the oldest daughter is often "parentified". Without any nipples at all, she tries to nourish the other puppies; they hate her for it.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I am glad you called your father, if that is what you wanted to do, MWM. </p><p></p><p>There is no wrong or right in this hurtful place we find ourselves.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry, MWM.</p><p></p><p>But I like the courage you displayed. I like it that you took the situation by the horns.</p><p></p><p>Good for you.</p><p></p><p>Just like it is with our kids, it takes as long as it takes for us to know what is the best thing to do. Be aware of his tone of voice, and of whether he respects you. As you become healthier, as you break through those chains of abuse everything is sealed in and the blood begins to flow free and to nourish all of you as it was meant to, instead of being cut off from your source of strength, you will feel strong and whole in a way you may never have felt. All at once, little things and then, bigger and bigger things fall into place.</p><p></p><p>Everything will look different.</p><p></p><p>It will still be a sadness? But you will not feel sick, you won't feel chased or guilty or rejected, anymore. You will see that those are just the names of the games your family plays...but the difference now is that, though they will play harder than ever to hook you in, it just doesn't affect you in the same way.</p><p></p><p>I wanted to comment on the inheritance issue, MWM. This is huge in my family of origin, too. I think dangling something of value in front of the puppies to keep them coming back, to keep them divided and fighting each other for whatever there is replays the whole set up from when we were little kids. Here is a story: So, husband and I actually have more stuff than my mother. So, we are not quite as amenable to snapping at whatever is dangled for inheritance <em>though my mother uses the power of her Will in every possible way, as often as possible.</em> </p><p></p><p>She uses her person as a power game, too.</p><p></p><p>She uses the jealousy between my sister and myself to elevate herself in her own estimation. I know this because my mother was kind enough to point it (my jealousy of my sister and hers of me) out to me, herself.</p><p></p><p>So it must be true.</p><p></p><p>She found it quite entertaining.</p><p></p><p>Do you see the illness there?</p><p></p><p>So that must be a pattern in dysfunctional families.</p><p></p><p>And it makes sense that it would be.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, here is the story.</p><p></p><p>After my father's death, my mother offered this, that, and the next belonging of his to anyone and everyone <em>except for his own children</em>. It was almost like she was buying friends, or buying influence, or...I don't know. Something was the matter there, but I don't know how to describe it. Anyway, husband and I didn't need anything she had. husband had no interest in my mother and never went to her home. He barely tolerated her in <em>our</em> home. So, at dinner at our house one night, my mother asked husband point blank to choose something he might like. (husband had already offered to buy several things my mother had offered for sale. The game seemed to be that she wanted husband to want the things she had. She did not sell anything to husband. She would either give the items away, or sell them elsewhere. In any event, my mother asked whether husband would not like one of my father's fishing poles. After much encouragement by my mother and against his own better judgment, husband said he would.</p><p></p><p>And he was hooked. And the game was on.</p><p></p><p>husband never did get one of my father's fishing poles.</p><p></p><p>husband has multiple poles of his own. The pole from my father would have held sentimental value only.</p><p></p><p>And that is what my mother used to hook husband into the inheritance game.</p><p></p><p>The way husband felt about my father.</p><p></p><p>I thought about that incident when you wrote about the importance of inheritance in your family of origin, too.</p><p></p><p>When our families are dysfunctional, nothing is sacred. The hope for dignity, for something sacred at the heart of things, for some decency at the end...that did not happen for me, MWM. </p><p></p><p>The sickness escalates, instead.</p><p></p><p>The abuser clings to power like Miser hoarding gold. Money and stuff are power when we don't have any gold. In the Miser myth, the king realizes the horror of what he loses for the sake of gold and the power it represents.</p><p></p><p>I think my family does not understand that lesson, yet.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 629495, member: 17461"] Recovering once likened dysfunctional family systems to a litter of puppies, all trying to nurse from the one nipple the mother dog has. If the mother dog were healthy, she would acknowledge that she had only one nipple, and allow each of the puppies to nurse until each had her fill. If the mother dog were very sick...she might tease and taunt and starve her puppies, weakening them and making them detest her, themselves, and each other. In such systems, the oldest daughter is often "parentified". Without any nipples at all, she tries to nourish the other puppies; they hate her for it. :O) I am glad you called your father, if that is what you wanted to do, MWM. There is no wrong or right in this hurtful place we find ourselves. I am sorry, MWM. But I like the courage you displayed. I like it that you took the situation by the horns. Good for you. Just like it is with our kids, it takes as long as it takes for us to know what is the best thing to do. Be aware of his tone of voice, and of whether he respects you. As you become healthier, as you break through those chains of abuse everything is sealed in and the blood begins to flow free and to nourish all of you as it was meant to, instead of being cut off from your source of strength, you will feel strong and whole in a way you may never have felt. All at once, little things and then, bigger and bigger things fall into place. Everything will look different. It will still be a sadness? But you will not feel sick, you won't feel chased or guilty or rejected, anymore. You will see that those are just the names of the games your family plays...but the difference now is that, though they will play harder than ever to hook you in, it just doesn't affect you in the same way. I wanted to comment on the inheritance issue, MWM. This is huge in my family of origin, too. I think dangling something of value in front of the puppies to keep them coming back, to keep them divided and fighting each other for whatever there is replays the whole set up from when we were little kids. Here is a story: So, husband and I actually have more stuff than my mother. So, we are not quite as amenable to snapping at whatever is dangled for inheritance [I]though my mother uses the power of her Will in every possible way, as often as possible.[/I] She uses her person as a power game, too. She uses the jealousy between my sister and myself to elevate herself in her own estimation. I know this because my mother was kind enough to point it (my jealousy of my sister and hers of me) out to me, herself. So it must be true. She found it quite entertaining. Do you see the illness there? So that must be a pattern in dysfunctional families. And it makes sense that it would be. Anyway, here is the story. After my father's death, my mother offered this, that, and the next belonging of his to anyone and everyone [I]except for his own children[/I]. It was almost like she was buying friends, or buying influence, or...I don't know. Something was the matter there, but I don't know how to describe it. Anyway, husband and I didn't need anything she had. husband had no interest in my mother and never went to her home. He barely tolerated her in [I]our[/I] home. So, at dinner at our house one night, my mother asked husband point blank to choose something he might like. (husband had already offered to buy several things my mother had offered for sale. The game seemed to be that she wanted husband to want the things she had. She did not sell anything to husband. She would either give the items away, or sell them elsewhere. In any event, my mother asked whether husband would not like one of my father's fishing poles. After much encouragement by my mother and against his own better judgment, husband said he would. And he was hooked. And the game was on. husband never did get one of my father's fishing poles. husband has multiple poles of his own. The pole from my father would have held sentimental value only. And that is what my mother used to hook husband into the inheritance game. The way husband felt about my father. I thought about that incident when you wrote about the importance of inheritance in your family of origin, too. When our families are dysfunctional, nothing is sacred. The hope for dignity, for something sacred at the heart of things, for some decency at the end...that did not happen for me, MWM. The sickness escalates, instead. The abuser clings to power like Miser hoarding gold. Money and stuff are power when we don't have any gold. In the Miser myth, the king realizes the horror of what he loses for the sake of gold and the power it represents. I think my family does not understand that lesson, yet. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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